Here I was, standing at Maka's door all over again. I could feel that familiar ping of irritation, but it was at the back of my mind, behind the mixed emotions that brought me here again. I could hear that horrifying sound, she was trying to quiet her cries in hopes I wouldn't hear. But I did.
She'd done it again, bursting into my room without any warning. I should have known to lock it when I was changing, but I didn't and I had to watch the light leave her eyes as she saw the scar. I was so angry at her for doing this, for punishing herself like this.
It was my fault, I told her I would always protect her, it was my fault she felt like this. She would never realize that to see her in pain, is worse than being the one in pain. No matter how hard I try she will never see, just how much I love her and need to keep her safe. Have you ever loved some one? It takes over you, like a drug that latches itself into your brain. You would do anything to protect that love, you would do anything for it, and you would give yourself to that love. To see Maka in any pain, to see her struggling, or to hear her crying like she did now, made my heart ache.
We did this every time, She would see my scar in some way, play it off like it was nothing (Poorly may I add) then hide in her room for the rest of the night as small suppressed sobs could be detected just outside her door. I always stood here, trying to find the courage to walk in there and comfort her, to hold her. Maybe, tell her I love her, maybe kiss her till she finally understands why I would give my life for her, why I swore myself to her. But I never did, I never could. Each time I tell myself "It will be different this time" but it never is.
All this door ever did was haunt me; it separated me from the one I loved, from the smell of her skin, the feel of her hair and the beauty in her eyes. All I could ever do was look down at the door handle, Doubts filling my mind as I considered every possibility. What if the door was locked, what if she didn't want me there, and what if she doesn't love me. How could she ever love me, I can't even open a door to comfort her? My teeth were grit as I reached my hand out to the knob, I wouldn't open it, I couldn't open this door, I'm a coward.
I turned the knob, shocked with myself, but terrified of the outcome. I was making a mistake; I was so sure of it. Then I pushed it open to meet the blurry eyes of Maka Alburn. She sat on her bed; head to the side as she looked at me in shock, trails of fallen tears clear on her face with her mouth slightly gaped.
My feet moved without order, moving towards her while I drowned in this overwhelming sorrow that had incased me at the sight of her own sorrow. I sat next to her on the bed feeling her eyes on me as I looked at the ground, fighting for my voice. "You're not allowed to do this. You're supposed to be the brave one, I'm the coward, and I'm supposed to cry for you, not you for me." My selfish words broke the air. "I need you Maka, I need us to be together, and you can't lock me out. It wasn't your fault, they were too strong for us then, you did what you could and I choose for this to happen to me." I could feel the anger that always lived within me boil as I opened up.
He voice was jagged as it found life, "They were too strong for me, not for you. You don't need me Soul, you need a partner just as strong as you, and I can't-"her voice trailed off as it cracked from the oncoming tears that were burning her eyes.
My head whipped up as the words became clear to me. I wrapped my arms around her, pinning her arms down as I pulled her into my body and lay my forehead on her shoulders. "You need to listen to me Maka, Just fucking listen, ok?" My tone was ruff and warning as it took hold of the world surrounding us. Her head nodded and I could feel the warmth of her breath against my cool skin. "I'm never going to leave you, you are much stronger than me, you may not see it, but I do. I see how hard you fight to keep me safe, but if you don't look after yourself, you're hurting me, because no matter what I will always look out for you, I will always step in front of the blow. I don't regret anything and I never will." She began to shake lightly just before I pulled back to meet her eyes. I stared straight into her pained mind. "I'm here with you, because you are Maka Albarn, the girl who hates men because her father did terrible things. The woman who reads night and day, studies hard because she thinks she has to prove to the world she's as good as her mother. The extraordinary person, who puts others before herself and holds them dear to her heart, even when they don't deserve her love. She is everything that is right in the world, and I love her more than anything else that I have and ever will know. I love Maka Albarn, and I will forever believe in the brave, strong willed and loving life she leads."
Her hands were grasping my shirt tightly to steady herself in my arms. Her eyes had glazed over staring into mine as if they were a home she longed for. I couldn't read any part of her face; she was like a blank page to me. Long moments pass with silence and all I can do is hope she answers me before I freaking explode. "Soul" Finally "Do you mean that?"
"Yes, every word of it, Maka." I wasn't afraid, not anymore; it was like a weight gone off my shoulders. Confessions can be a good thing, I decided.
"How is it fair, that you don't have to see me in pain, and I have to watch you, time and time again? How is that fair to me, that your forever marked for protecting me, and I have nothing to show for it?" She stood, freeing herself from my grasp and moving away from the bed. "I love you, and I can't keep you safe- what will I do if I lose you Soul? Huh? Can you tell me how I'm supposed to cope with losing you, because I couldn't keep you safe?"
"You love me?" The words brought me away from her hostel actions as I stood from the bed and took a step towards her, following her.
"God Soul, of course I love you. You can be so freaking thick sometimes."
"Then if you love me, you have to understand. I will do anything to protect you, I know you would do the same. I've watched you torment yourself for far too long, and I'm not going to hear you tell me I haven't suffered the same pain as you. You think I like listening to you cry, standing at your door afraid there's nothing I can do to help you." I was almost yelling, but I couldn't bring myself to. My calm returning to me, I started again. "Maka, I can't tell you that you're not going to lose me, but I can tell you, it will never be your fault. Anything that happens to me will either be my choice and or my fault."
"I can't protect you." Her voice was failing again and the tears were streaming down her face in long lines. It was a crime for someone so beautiful to cry. I always made her cry.
"I don't need you to protect me; I just want you to love me." I stepped towards her, our bodies just touching as I looked down at her. I lifted a hand up and lay it on her cheek, caressing it with my thumb, while wiping away the wept tears. "Please?" I asked dipping my head down closer to hers, and closing my eyes as I stopped just before her lips.
It wasn't long before she closed the space, maybe a second, perhaps not even that. Her lips where soft and salty tasting as they pressed firmly against mine. It was the most amazing feeling in the world, to finally be here, to finally feel her lips against my own and to hear her silently promise to love me. I can't believe I let something as simple as a door keep me from this feeling, this amazing taste.
Maka Albarn, with her brown hair, her pigtails, her green orbs, loved me. The girl living with me, who hits me every time I say something stupid or perverted, who I spend every waking moment thinking of, loves me. That amazing woman, who swore she would never trust another man, trusts and loves me of all other people. I'm not good enough for her, I never will be, but I'm willing to try, because she loves me.
That's so cool.