people made of spring and sparks
(humming with electric hearts)
by: singyourmelody
disclaimer: I do not own Joshua, Lisa, or any of the other "V" characters. Title is from Jeremy Messersmith's "John the Determinist." This runs through the beginning of season two through all of the episodes that have currently aired and then a little farther beyond that. I have been very frustrated with the lack of Joshua this season; there's still so much potential there!
He thought he saw a black hole once, that region of space from which nothing can escape. It was hard to tell, with the darkness of space completely surrounding them. But he had looked up from his work station, out the small one-way window and saw a different kind of darkness. One that doesn't just envelop, but consumes. It was far off, and the ship's captain made sure it stayed that way, but it was still there.
Turning back to his patient, an elder who commanded the upmost respect staring at him expectantly, he contemplated ever so briefly if the thick metal walls separating them from the black hole and dividing the present from the non-existent future even made any difference at all.
He thinks he knows what it might be like to fall into a black hole when he is shot. Dying feels like floating, the space surrounding him is warm and freeing and enormous. He thought it would be frightening, but it's not really. It's certainly dark and so deafeningly quiet, but it is also calm.
For the first time since he joined the Fifth Colum, he is at peace.
He's not allowed to stay that way, however, as Marcus revives him.
He knows instantly why he was brought back—they want answers. That's always why they bring Vs back. Because they must know something.
He might know something (he's not sure). It feels as if there is a small something in the front part of his skull, pounding little by little behind his forehead. A something that was once not very small at all. But he can't know for sure, so he acts as if he knows nothing. He was always good at lying.
Two days later she visits him and the tone in her voice and the way she touches his hand confirms what he has suspected. There was something going on and he was a part of it somehow. She looks devastated when he is confused and he instantly feels pangs of regret for causing the emotion. When she lets go of his hand and leaves the room, his fingers feel tingly, as if someone is pricking them with tiny invisible soft needles. He can't remember ever feeling that before and it's frustrating because he's not sure what it means.
Anna determines he can return to work, after an intensive memory search. He's not sure what they are looking for, but they don't find it. Anna is angry and he thinks she might not know what to do with him now. He partially expects death; after all, he must have done something truly terrible to warrant being shot. The Vs are always of peace.
But instead she gives him a new task: to find and eradicate the human soul. Although his memory might be a dark chasm, his medical training is still intact, so he throws himself into his work. His research is intense and unsuccessful. The human soul is a strange thing, both powerful and seemingly non-existent. He can't find it, let alone destroy it, but he somehow knows it's there.
He is walking to Anna's office to report his latest findings when it happens. He is moving slower than usual, there's no rush to see the disappointed look on Anna's face, when Lisa approaches him.
"Joshua," she says quietly.
"Lisa."
"I—I wanted to see how you are," she says, slightly stuttering.
"I am feeling better," he responds.
Her face lights up as he says this. "You are."
"Yes. Your mother has returned me to work."
"Oh," she says, casting her gaze downwards.
He studies her for a moment and realizes that she knows the truth about him, about why he was shot, about everything. He desperately wants to know, but he also is fearful about what he might have done. It's difficult to face the darkness within oneself, to look at it and not be overwhelmed by the simple idea that there is so much potential for destruction inside one person.
He's not sure he's willing to face this knowledge, but takes a breath and asks her anyway.
"Lisa, what did I—?" he begins, but is unable to finish, because a light surrounds them as Anna begins using Bliss.
The Vs have been uneasy lately with all the things that have been happening on Earth and Anna has been relying more and more on her Bliss to calm them.
He looks up towards the soft light. He hears the gentle words. And yet he doesn't feel connected, doesn't feel anything really. He closes his eyes and concentrates on Anna's presence, but cannot seem to let himself be pulled into her soothing display of tranquility.
As he lowers his chin in defeat, he feels his hand being pulled away from where it rests at his side and slender fingers interlocking with his. He turns and looks at their joined hands and then at Lisa. He's surprised to see that she isn't connected to Anna's Bliss, either, but is instead staring right at him, her eyes willing him to do something, anything really.
He wants to give her what she wants, but he doesn't—he can't—know what that is. He hopes she understands, and he thinks she does when she gives a slight nod and pulls away from him. He realizes that the Bliss has finished and that the Vs are resuming their normal activities.
"We all have to decide which side we are on," she whispers, before turning and walking away.
Her words echo in his ears. Decide and side and we bounce around inside his head like atoms in a chemical reaction. So he follows her and pulls her into a nearby storage room.
"What did you mean by that?" he asks.
She gives a small smile and looks down at her hands. "It's just something you said to me once."
"What are the two sides? Why was I making you choose? How am I even involved in this?" The words tumble out before he can even process them.
She looks taken aback and more than a little nervous, but does not say anything.
He rubs his hand over his head and lets out a groan of frustration. "Why can't I remember anything?"
"I don't know," she says quietly.
"And why won't you tell me what I'm forgetting?" he asks, his voice raising with every word.
She looks defiant. She's reading him, judging whether or not she should say what she wants to say.
"Because I don't know if I can trust you," she says finally, as she turns to leave.
"I know I betrayed the Vs somehow. I know that I have turned against my Queen and that I must have committed treason, but I'm not that person anymore." He stops. The words "My Queen" feel so familiar as he says them, as if his lips have been forming them long before now. He thinks of Anna, his Queen, and how she must have told Lisa everything that he did. He feels ashamed.
She stops when he says this and walks back to him.
Gently, she touches below his chin. "I know you're not that person anymore," she looks sad as she says this, almost as if she wants him to be the very person he is describing. The very person he is denying. "You're very brave, Joshua."
"Thank you, my Queen," he says automatically without thinking, head bowed and eyes closed. She gasps and it takes a moment, but his mind is suddenly flooded with the very same scene, months earlier. She had been there, she had saved him, and then he had died. He staggers back out of her reach and bends over as memories from his medical training, from meeting Walter, the doctor he studied under telling him that the Vs were not correct in their thinking. That there had to be another way to survive, and that he should join the resistance.
"The Fifth Column," he says aloud.
Lisa's eyes widen and she helps him stand upright. "You remember?" She helps him to a chair as the small something that had been pounding behind his forehead erupts into a jackhammer of information that feels like it might split his skull into two. He thinks of when he first turned Lisa, of when he killed Georgie, of when Erica shot him. He breathes steadily in and out to remind himself that this is all real.
It was a memory blocker, he concludes a week later after performing extensive testing on himself. He must have implanted it long before he died, in case something like this had happened. Some part of Lisa's actions must have triggered the memories' eventual return.
"Raise your right arm please," he says to his patient. He examines her human skin and her wrist and elbow joints, before making a few notes. "I'm finished. Lisa, I cannot determine that there is anything wrong," he says finally.
"I've just been feeling unwell recently," she says.
"You don't know what it is?" Anna asks him, from her position next to the bed.
He takes another look at the computer. "All of her signs are normal. But I've only performed the basic tests. . ."
Anna raises her hand to silence him and then smiles a small smile, one that holds a secret. "Very well then. Lisa, I will see you upstairs in an hour," she says before turning and exiting the room.
As soon as she's gone, Lisa turns to him. "Something's not right."
"I know. I'm just not sure what it is. Let me do a few other tests."
She nods.
As he's preparing the first test on the computer, eyes never leaving the screen, he says, "You saved me, do you know that?"
"I didn't save you," she says, brushing aside his words.
"No, you did. I had implanted a memory blocker into my brain. Something that you did, I'm not sure what, but something you did brought my memories back," he says.
She shrugs as she stares straight ahead. "You saved me first."
He builds a soul extractor. It's not designed to extract the soul—he doesn't think anything, machine or human, can actually do that—but it is designed to kill.
It has to or else Anna will know he's returned to the Fifth Column. He's never seen her so completely enraptured with an idea, especially one as obscure as the soul.
Lisa is present when he shows the machine to Anna, and he's more than a little surprised when Anna makes Lisa kill the first subject (he has to refer to the young man as the "subject;" he couldn't bear to learn his name).
He knows that she doesn't want to do it, but he also knows that it's come down to a choice. It's either Lisa or this young man.
She looks at him briefly before pressing the button that literally sucks the life out of the man lying on the table. He dies within minutes.
Anna still is not satisfied so she presses him to find more subjects and to continue trying. He nods and knows he must do as she says but that he also must find a way to not actually kill the subjects. He had been working on a revival tool before Anna had grown impatient and forced him to try it sooner than expected.
As soon as Anna leaves, he becomes very aware that he and Lisa are alone with the body of the human they just killed.
She collapses to her knees, one hand touching the arm of the dead man.
He walks over and kneels next to her. "Have mercy on me, oh God, according to your unfailing love," he recites. "According to your great compassion, blot out my transgressions."
In between her sniffles, she asks, "What are you doing?"
"A prayer of repentance. I learned it from the humans. Every time I am forced to take a life, I say those words."
"Does it help?"
"Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I like to think that if there is such a thing as a human soul, that there is some higher being who can forgive me for having to take it away."
They kneel in silence for a while, lost in their thoughts, consumed by the weight of their actions.
Finally she sits on the cold metal floor. "He looked right at me and begged me to not do it. But I did it anyway. Does it ever get easier?" she asks.
"No," he responds. "And that's what makes us different from them."
He finds her crying in her quarters on a Thursday afternoon (he's started thinking of days of the week in human terms. There are only seven, compared to their normal eleven; it is still strange but he's learning).
She's sitting on the floor at the bottom of her bed, knees curled up tightly to her chest. She looks up sharply when he enters the room, relief passing over her features when she sees that it's him.
He's about to ask what is causing this, when she stands.
"I know why I haven't been feeling well."
"Oh?" he asks.
"I'm pregnant."
She refuses to meet his eyes as she says this.
And even though he has no right to feel this way, none at all, he knows this, he can't help the small feeling of betrayal that creeps up from somewhere in his middle, erupting into a metallic taste in his mouth.
The silence is painful however, and for her too, so he forces himself to speak, hoping the words do not sound as sharp as they feel.
He clears his throat then says, "I didn't realize your mother had decided it was time for you to be birthing soldiers."
She still will not look at him, but manages to say, "I'm not birthing soldiers. It's Tyler's. There's something . . . something different about this baby." She places her hand on her midsection, even though there is no evidence of anything growing there yet. "There's only one. My mother has," her voice cracks as she says this, "has some plan for it."
He can't tell how she is feeling so he takes a step towards her and gently places his hand under her chin like she did to him weeks ago and lifts her head to look at him.
Her eyes are glassy and scared, so so scared.
"It will be okay," he manages to muster out.
But she's not convinced and pulls away from him. Her fear quickly translates to anger and he realizes that it's going to be directed at him, even thought it is not for him. "It won't be okay. I am carrying a baby that I do not want, from a human that I don't know how I feel about, and I am trying to keep up this façade but all of my actions are playing right into her hands. This was her plan from the start. She wants this baby for something and as much as I don't want to have it, I want her to have it even less and, and I just don't know how to keep doing this." She's upset and he understands. They've all had to make unthinkable sacrifices.
"I know it's difficult . . ."
"No you don't know," she snaps. She looks down at the floor. "I do want to be a mother someday. I see Mrs. Evans, her generosity, her kindness, and I know I could do that. Someday. But now, now that time is here and I don't know how to protect this baby from her own grandmother."
"How long with your pregnancy be?" he asks quietly.
"My mother said about ten weeks."
He exhales and nods. "Then we have ten weeks to figure this out."
She stares at him, looking as if she wants to say something but not sure if she should. Finally she speaks. "Do you think she's going to kill me after I have the baby?"
He is taken aback by her question.
"I'm not stupid, Joshua. I know how she works. She's done it before."
"I don't know," he says finally. "But I do know that you are safe for the next ten weeks. You're too valuable right now for her to risk anything happening to you."
She nods and wraps her arms around herself. He knows that means she's still uneasy. It is surprising to him how quickly he is able to learn what her body language means.
"Lisa" he begins, stepping closer to her. He debates for a moment his next move and then decides to just do it. After all, the consequences of breaking protocol began disappearing the day he fixed her empathy test. He reaches up and rubs her arms gently with his hands. She seems surprised but does not move away. "We're going to figure this out. Trust me."
She meets his eyes then, buries her head into his shoulder, and exhales. As his arm wraps around her small frame, he realizes that she does trust him.
It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.
The ten weeks feel more like ten years. Lisa tells Tyler she will be traveling for several months as part of her future leader training and they have a tearful farewell. In reality, Anna is shutting Lisa away from both the humans and the Vs. She doesn't want anyone to know about the pregnancy and he is the only one who is allowed to see her, to provide daily medical care.
He checks on her twice daily, entering her quarters and taking her daily vitals.
She's going crazy by herself (he knows what it's like to be alone with your thoughts—haunting and exasperating) and he decides to bring her human books to pass the time.
Her eyes light up when he pulls "Great Expectations" from his medical bag and she finishes it within a day. He returns with "Jane Eyre" and she gets so lost in the story, that when he comes in to do her afternoon checkup, she refuses to put the book down.
"Lisa," he says, frustrated.
"Just . . . wait," she says, eyes never leaving the page.
"I have other things to attend to."
Her eyes flash up at him, angrily. "And I am the future Queen, so you will wait."
She's never pulled rank with him before and he's a bit surprised to see her talking this way. He wonders if her heightened hormones are bringing out this side of her. He stands there awkwardly for a few minutes, before finally pulling a chair up next to her bed.
"What is so fascinating?" he questions.
"Jane and Edward. They have such a complicated relationship," she responds, still reading.
"Yes, they do. But they are a perfect match."
She looks up at him then. "You've read this before?" she asks excitedly.
"Yes, a while ago. During our pre-Earth training, we took a literature course to help us assimilate."
"And what did you think?"
"I think that Jane is too good for Mr. Rochester, but that she needs to be loved. And he is the only one who can give that to her in the way that she needs it. Of course, he needs goodness, and she is the only one who can give that to him. So in that way they are perfectly matched."
Her eyes widen. "Yes, you are right." She sets the book down and allows him to take her blood pressure, measure her heartbeat and the baby's heartbeat.
When he finishes and packs up his things, she asks if he will bring her another book the next day.
"Maybe we could read it together," she proposes.
He nods. "I'd like that."
"Me too."
They make it through all of the works of Dickens, Austen, Hawthorne, Wharton, and half of Shakespeare's comedies before the tenth week. They get in no less than six arguments ("Of course Dimmesdale loves Hester!" "If he really loved her, he would have stood up for her right away." "Then there would be no story!" "So maybe there shouldn't be a story then, because whatever it's about, it isn't love."), mostly about the works they are reading. They discuss everything from their different schoolings to baby names to how much they sometimes miss home. He's never considered himself to be a great conversationalist, but whenever he's with her, he wants to talk about anything and everything. Sometimes it feels like the normal checkups they are doing, the reasons they are supposed to be spending time together, are really just getting in the way of their conversations.
He is performing a regular sonogram, when he can't help noticing how much her heart rate speeds up, as he searches for the baby's heartbeat. It's her nineteenth sonogram and each time she's refused to look at the monitor.
He's not sure what she's so afraid of, so he asks her.
Her eyes shoot him a warning glance and he momentarily thinks he might have stepped over the line. But they have been spending several hours together every day for the last couple of months and it's strange to admit it, but he feels like he knows her better than anyone. If there even is a line anymore, he wouldn't know how to find it.
"Lisa, you're obviously concerned about something," he says.
She sighs before saying, "What if she doesn't look anything like me? Or what if she does? A half-V, half-human baby? It's only ever been done once before, with Ryan and his wife. And even then, the father was the V, not the mother."
He nods and sits down in what has become his chair, next to her bed. She sits up and swings her legs around the side so that they are sitting kneecap to kneecap.
She looks at the ceiling. "I feel so stupid for even being concerned with that. I'm her mother and I don't even know what is going to happen to her." She gently places one hand on her swollen abdomen. "Joshua, we have to get her off this ship."
They have talked and talked in hushed tones about this and have only been able to come up with one solution: they need the Fifth Column to "kidnap" the baby and place her in a safe location. There are, of course, difficulties with this plan. They currently have no way to communicate with the Fifth Column. No one outside of the two of them and Anna even knows this baby exists. Not to mention that the baby might have special needs because of her biological makeup, needs that only the two of them will be able to meet.
But he knows she doesn't need to hear about any of that now. She needs reassurance. He inches closer to her and places one hand on either side of her legs, forcing her to look right at him. "We're going to figure this out. And you and I? We're going to get through this. We're going to save your daughter, and well, hopefully not die in the process. Again, in my case."
She cracks a small smile as he says this and he can't help but feel a little proud. She never smiles anymore unless he does something to draw it out of her.
She tries to stand then and he grabs her elbows and helps pull her up. She is getting rather large. Standing in front of him, she reaches below his chin like she did so long ago now and says, "I couldn't do this without you. Any of it."
He bows his head in obedience, but she doesn't withdraw her hand. Instead she moves it to the side of his face, her fingertips gently brushing over his cheek.
"Why do you stay with me?" she asks.
"It's my duty," he responds, but she shakes her head.
"No, why do you come read with me and talk with me and hold me when I'm upset and say funny things to make me smile? That's not your duty, but you do it anyway."
He contemplates telling her the truth, a truth he just so recently discovered. But saying those words feels a little too close to teetering on the edge. One small step and he could be falling into the dark abyss, a grave canyon of human emotion. He's already died, been to that black hole and back and he's not sure if he could fall again and still be able to get back up.
So he takes a literal step back. "We're friends," he says; the words taste bitter, but at least he can still breathe. Edge, canyon, love. Whatever it is, averted.
Her hand returns to her side and she sits back down. "Friends," she repeats. "I've never had a friend before."
"It's kind of nice, isn't it?"
She looks right at him then and he thinks, no, he knows that she can see he is holding something back. But she doesn't call him on it, instead allowing some things to stay hidden.
Although, if he's honest, he's not sure how much longer he can stay hiding, especially from her. No one else knows that he's gotten his memories back or that he has rejoined the Fifth Column. They don't know that visiting her in her secret chamber is his favorite part of the day and that when he's not there, he's constantly thinking about being there. They don't know that Jane Austen's "Persuasion" is his favorite book that the two of them read together, partially because of how her whole demeanor seemed to lift when Anne and the Captain finally worked everything out and partially because it's a book about waiting. About patience in the midst of turmoil. About being undecided and then about finally, finally getting it right.
He's never cared so much about one person's safety. Make that two people. In some strange way, he feels as if he knows her baby already. He's seen her dozens of times on the sonogram, has seen the curves of her face, something that Lisa hasn't even done. And he knows he must save her. He must save them, all three of them.
When Lisa goes into labor, he and Anna are the only ones in the room. Anna stands to the side and tries hard to look vaguely concerned, before Lisa finally tells her that Joshua will come get her when the baby is born.
Then they are alone.
She's breathing heavily and is in quite a bit of pain. He brings her water and ice chips and it all seems so typical and normal, but it's not really.
He looks down at her and brushes some of her hair out of her eyes.
"I'm glad you're here," she says, reaching up and holding his hand.
"Me too," he replies.
He can't see himself being anywhere else but at her side.
Three hours later she gives birth to a girl. She looks just like Lisa, without her human skin. He is quick to attach her new skin and then she looks like every other baby on Earth—small and wrinkly, and so, so new.
When he presents the baby to her, she looks down at her daughter, tears instantly forming in her eyes. If she had any doubts about her baby before, they are gone now.
"Emilia," she whispers. They stay like that for a few minutes, Lisa watching Emilia, him watching both of them.
"I suppose you need to go get my mother now," she says.
But he shakes his head. "Not yet."
She looks up at him gratefully. "Thank you."
As expected, Anna takes the baby. She names her Arianna. Lisa "returns" from her training and the secret room where she was kept all those months is locked.
Everything seemingly returns to normal, only it doesn't for either of them.
She's heartbroken over the loss of her child and yet must act perfectly collected and calm about the whole situation.
She comes to his quarters every night to read, to talk, to sit in silence, to just be with someone else. It becomes a sort of routine for them, so when she doesn't show up one night, he becomes concerned. Wandering the halls of the main corridor he finds her with Tyler, Erica, and Anna.
He slightly nods at the four of them and continues walking toward the medical ward. Lisa's pregnancy had taken precedent over Anna's quest for the soul but now he must return to his former task. He thinks he's almost discovered a way to simulate the killing of the subjects without actually doing so, when she finds him, several hours later.
"Joshua" she exclaims as she hurries into the office and throws her arms around him. He's unprepared for this, but it only takes him a second to wrap his arms around her.
"What is it?" he asks, pulling back slightly, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.
"I know how to get Emilia off the ship."
He nods; he's sure he is thinking the same thing she is. "Did you tell Erica about the baby?"
"Yes, she was surprised but she said they will start working on a plan immediately," she says.
"What about Tyler?"
She pauses. "They still don't want him to know the truth. Erica is very strict about getting him involved."
"So he won't know about his daughter?" he asks.
"No, not right now anyway," she says, looking away. "This is going to sound terrible, I know that, but in many ways it doesn't feel like she's ours, his and mine. It feels like she is just mine."
He nods. "Do you love him?" he asks. She looks up sharply at him, so he retreats. "I'm sorry. None of my business."
"No it's okay," she states. "I thought I did love him. Up until I held Emilia, I was sure I did. But what I feel for her, this innate need to protect her, to always pursue what is best for her, to constantly have her on my mind all the time, it's so completely different from what I feel for Tyler. What I feel for him just pales in comparison."
He's not sure he fully understands, but later that night, when he and Lisa visit the nursery where Emilia is being kept, he watches mother and daughter interact. Emilia is growing faster than human babies do and is already giggling, smiling and responding to Lisa's facial expressions. As he watches them, a feeling rushes over him and he is able to comprehend what Lisa meant. Because he feels it too, every time he looks at her. Every time he looks at Emilia.
He loves them. It feels good to admit it, even if it's only to himself.
The day the Fifth Column kidnaps Emilia is both the best and worst day of their lives. The resistance plants Dr. Sidney Miller on the ship. Neither of them has met Sidney before, but Erica promises he can handle this job. Since he's the only member of the small branch of the Fifth Column that Anna doesn't know, he's really their own option, so they agree to it.
Sidney poses as a normal human visiting the ship for the day. The handoff goes smoothly as Sidney takes Emilia, cradled carefully in a gym bag, onto the shuttle and back to Earth. Joshua is the one to make the pass, and he takes one last look at the sedated Emilia before giving her to Sidney. It will be okay, he thinks. It has to be.
He returns to his quarters, where she is already waiting. She is sitting in a chair, staring out the small one way window. He sits next to her and doesn't say anything.
An hour passes and they've heard nothing; with each minute she's breaking a little more, so he picks her up and carries her to his bed, setting her gently down and sitting next to her, holding her to his chest while she cries.
She eventually falls asleep and he takes the opportunity to find out if anything is happening. He walks the corridors and runs into Tyler.
"Tyler," he says.
"Joshua. I'm looking for Lisa. Is she around here somewhere?" Tyler asks. He looks eager and so young.
"Oh, she came to see me earlier today. She wasn't feeling well, so I told her to rest," he lies. It always comes so easily.
Tyler looks disappointed, but turns to go. "Okay, thanks. Oh, I almost forgot. My mom sent this for Lisa," he says, holding out a small envelope. "I think it's a thank you note for the plant Lisa gave her."
He tries to steady his shaking hand as he reaches for the envelope. He knows it's not a thank you. It's a status report. In it, spelled out in dark black ink, is Emilia's future.
"I'll make sure she gets it," he says.
"Thanks. And tell her I hope she feels better. I'll try to come by tomorrow or Friday."
He nods and hurries back to his quarters. She's awake when he quietly shuts the door behind him. He holds out the envelope.
"It's from Erica."
She hurries out of bed and stands next to him as he opens it.
It only says three words: Package was delivered.
She exhales then and so does he. He hadn't even known he was holding his breath.
"She's okay. She's okay," she says, over and over again, as if trying to convince herself.
"Yes, she's okay" he confirms.
She sits back down on his bed, as if her legs have given out. "I'm so happy, I feel like my heart my jump right out of my chest, but I also feel like I just lost a part of myself," she says, then shakes her head. "I shouldn't feel that way. My daughter is safe. That's all that matters."
He sits down next to her on his bed. "You're allowed to feel that way. She is a part of you. And she's gone for a while."
"For a while," she repeats.
He locks eyes with her. "For a while. You'll see her again."
She closes her eyes and leans her forehead forward so that it's touching his. "Promise?" she whispers.
His own eyes are closed as he whispers, "I promise."
Anna freaks out, of course. She questions everyone on the ship as skillfully as she can without revealing too much about the missing child. She never suspects Lisa or Joshua.
He doesn't really understand how Anna can miss so much about the world around her, but he is grateful that she does. She focuses all of her energy into finding her Arianna, forgetting about the soul machine. Since V Queens can only birth one child, she encourages Lisa to break things off with Tyler. He's fulfilled his purpose. Lisa agrees to do so, because seeing Tyler is painful, constantly reminding her of Emilia, a secret so close to her heart, a secret that she cannot share with him. She breaks up with him and he's devastated. She feels bad, but it's not an all-consuming pain. She knows what pain is. Seeing her daughter being held by her mother, letting her baby go, knowing that if her mother ever finds Emilia, that there will be destruction for them all, that is pain. She's lived a million lifetimes since she was first with Tyler. Lifetimes that he couldn't share with her.
He's surprised to find her in his quarters a few weeks after the news of Emilia's arrival on Earth. They haven't been spending as much time together to prevent suspicion and he's missed being with her.
"Lisa," he says warmly.
"Joshua."
"What are you doing here? How are you?" he asks.
She nods. "I've been fine. And you? I haven't seen you in a while."
"Fine, as well," he replies.
They both stand there silent for a few moments.
Finally he lets out a very small laugh. "I don't know if we've ever been this quiet before."
"I need to say something to you."
"Okay."
"You and I. We're friends or something like that and it's always just been so easy between us."
"Yes."
"And I saw how you look at Emilia. It's the same way—" she pauses, "it's the same way you look at me."
He looks down now. He thought he was a better actor than that.
"I—well, I—" he trails off.
"Joshua, do you love me?" she asks, directly.
He doesn't answer at first, and she takes a step closer.
"Do you love me?" she asks again, taking another step closer.
"Do you—" she starts a third time.
"Yes," he says finally. "Yes, I love you. I love Emilia. I never want to see any harm come to you, I never want to be away from you. So, yes. I love you. Yes." The words come out so easily, once he lets them.
She nods again and looks up at him. Finally she reaches up and places both hands on either side of his face followed by a light kiss over his left cheekbone and then again over his right. She leaves a trail down his nose before finally landing on his mouth. He's never kissed anyone before (it's not something Vs usually do), but she shows him how. And it's soft and gentle and perfect.
She pulls back and looks at him. They stare at each other for just a few moments and he can tell what she's saying. She loves him too, but it's still nice to hear the words. "I love you too, Joshua," she says and there's no black hole, no all-consuming abyss, no canyon of emotion that he was so afraid to fall into. There's only her and a soft light and all the possibilities of the future.
She enters the medical ward a month later and walks right up to him. Gently kissing him, she wraps her hands around his neck and pulls him close.
"Good morning to you too," he says. She smiles at him. It's been like this every day since she first kissed him.
"You were up early this morning," she comments.
"Yes, I needed to finish a few things before my meeting with Anna later today. Apparently spending time with a certain blonde prevents me from completing my work," he teases.
She smiles again, but it's not the full smile he's seen so often lately.
"What is it?" he asks.
"Nothing," she replies. "I just had a dream about her last night."
"You were tossing and turning a lot," he responds.
She nods. "I know she's safe. I know it. I just have to remind myself sometimes."
"She is safe and she has a mother who sacrificed a relationship with her to keep her that way."
She smiles up at him. "You always know the right thing to say."
As he kisses her again, he vaguely sees a glimpse of what happens next. They'll probably need to leave the ship at some point. Anna might figure out they orchestrated Emilia's kidnapping or that they are Fifth Column or she might just get fed up with one of them. Maybe Erica will hide them with Emilia. Maybe they will hide themselves somewhere and find her on their own. Maybe she'll be a teenager by the time they find her or maybe she'll be starting grade school. Maybe they'll have to work normal, human jobs to blend in and maybe they will be terrible at it, but they'll be happy because they'll be together.
He can't imagine a scenario that doesn't involve the three of them. And he won't rest until he sees it come true.
An ending. This is my longest fic yet. Please read and review. Love to all!