Author's Note:
Alright. So. This is my Inu Yasha fanfiction. It's alright, I guess. There's a little bit of NarakuXOC if you squint. Sorry for those who like that...
Everybody's a bit out of character, but... It's fun that way! Thank you and enjoy!
P.S.: the original name for this story was "Aw, crap! A rapist!" I thought it was funny, but said something about K-rated titles and I said "okay" and changed it to "Oh, bugger" That's K-rated, right?
If only they were real…I thought to myself. I sighed as I watched Inu Yasha fight Sesshomaru. "Idiots…" I muttered under my breath. Before I could comment further on their 'obvious' stupidity and hidden brotherly love, I was interrupted by a loud banging noise (much like a bomb) outside. Curious, I went to the door and stepped out.
Dust clouded my vision, making it impossible to discern what had changed. I grunted, annoyed fully at the disturbing lack of sight. "Let's see… a nuke… would have taken my house with it… and the city... and my state... Rocket launchers and gas explosions usually mean fire… So I'll say… Grenade?" I spoke my thoughts aloud, contemplating the cause of the dust.
A loud, rather evil laugh echoed around me, making me jump. Then I said loudly, "Well, that's not creepy at all." I giggled to myself, noting that this would make me seem crazy to a lot of people. It was then that I felt a sharp pain in my neck. I fell, saying, "Aw, crap. A rapist." The last thing that intruded my senses as I drifted off into dark unconsciousness was a deep, maniacal laugh.
I opened my eyes, only to shut them again because of a pain-inducing bright light. "That was painful," I muttered, annoyance dripping from my voice. Groaning softly as I saw the evil light again as I forced my eyes open. Eventually, the evil light dissipated to a meager candle and I rolled my burning orbs at the piteousness of it. After the adjustment, I noticed my head pounding like it was being hit with a mallet. Over and over again. Repeatedly.
"Ow… Well… Who the fuck kidnapped me? If he's hot, cool or interesting, I'll thank him. 'Cause now I won't be bored… If not… I'll have to cuss him out through all of hell and be sure that he is thoroughly annoyed." I wasn't really talking to anything particular, just myself.
Surprisingly, a voice answered. "You certainly are an interesting a girl." The voice was deep, and masculine, and it made me jump, letting out a little yelp (which I have been reminded time and time again that it sounds like a Chihuahua that got stepped on). I'm hearing voices again... I thought in a singsong voice.
When I stopped freaking out (milliseconds, I swear!), I said calmly, "Why, thank you. And you are?" As I asked this, I turned to him. "Holy shit!"
He gave me a strange look as I backed away from him. Black hair. Red eyes, purple clothes, feminine as hell… Oh my fucking god! It's Naraku! He raised an eyebrow. "You know me?" His voice was the exactly what it was in the English anime. Weird, but hey, I'm not complaining. I really don't know that much Japanese.
"Know about you, actually. So… you can hear my thoughts. Creepy." I sighed as I walked over to him, sat in his lap and started poking him. He seemed irritated and thus, I giggled at him.
"What are you doing?" he asked, eyes narrowed and befuddled.
"Making sure you're real. Which doesn't really help much 'cause I don't remember any kind of sleep-induced imaginings so I can't really tell if being able to poke you would prove anything. Ah, well. I'm not complaining. Yet, that is," I informed him.
"Hmm… Yes, very strange indeed. Kagura! Get the girl some clothing. What is your name?" He asked. Rather politely, actually. Wrong!
"You know, I know you're a psychotic bastard and all. So you don't really have to pretend to be all nice and stuff. It's really weird to see you that way, anyway. I mean… you want to taint the sacred jewel just for the sake of tainting something. So… yeah… Call me Yami." 'Cause it's… the awesome-est name ever and it shall be mine!
"Really, now?" He smirked down at me, red eyes shining with evil intentions (ew, dirty…). I was about to comment on how much like a rapist he looked, but Kagura walked in, kimono in hand.
"Am I interrupting something?" Her lazy tone and bored face told me she was unhappy. Poor thing. I guess she just can't get laid or something…
"Nothin' but my insanity," I told her with a creepy grin. Naraku smirked (in amusement, perhaps?) before pushing me off his lap (wow, I just realized what an awkward position that was… that may be why he looked like a rapist…) and standing. He took the kimono-thing from Kagura before handing it to me.
"You must want to get out of those ragged clothes. Here, wear this." I looked down at my ripped jeans, studded belt and loose tank top, pouting. I really liked my clothes…
"I appreciate the offer, I really do, but … I like my pants. And… kimonos don't equal pants. I find it really awkward to run around without pants, so… if it's alright with you…"
"Very well. A hakama, then." He walked out the door. I followed, not knowing what else to do. We ended up in a room with a bunch of weapons. And I was all, "Bedazzle!" as I ran over to this really sharp-looking sword. Unfortunately, I could not reach it as Naraku grabbed the back of my shirt, glaring down at me.
"Oh… sorry… I like… weapons. And it was just so shiny!" I paused. "They're really cool… yeah…"
"Can you use a sword?" he asked, glare fading away. Bye bye, evil look of doom! I shook my head. "You would like to?" I nodded. "I'll teach you. First, go get a-." He was cut off as I tackle-hugged him, squeezing as hard as I could, yelling, 'thank you!' over and over in his ear.
"Alright, alright. You're welcome." He shoved me off, rubbing his ears. I grinned. "You need to listen, though. I'm not going easy on you because you're a woman."
"Well, you'd better not or else I'd have to hate you and strive to kill you for sexist reasons," I told him. He smirked.
"Really… we wouldn't want that to happen, would we?" Now he was being sarcastic. Ass. I glared at him when he gave his evil chuckle of evilness. "You can get a hakama in there," he gestured to a brown door, "and then we can begin your training."
"Sweet." I said and went to pick out clothing. I came back out with the thing on, distracted by the black fabric and these confusing little white circle designs on it. "That's so… Ah!" I dodged a wooden sword aimed for my head. "That's rude." He said nothing. "So that's how you wanna be, huh? Where's my stick? I'll win against you, mon-kun!"
"First, where'd you get 'mon-kun' from?" he asked, eyebrow raised in a confused expression. He was so… weird.
"You wear a baboon pelt a lot."
"How do you know so much about me?"
"Okay, so, how'd you end up kidnapping me? Me, of all people?"
"I've been experimenting with something. It… put me there and I decided to bring back something to observe. I can only stay for a short period of time."
"I think it put you in a different dimension, 'cause in my… place there's this T.V. show called Inu Yasha and you're a character in it."
"Tee vee?" I laughed at his bemused expression.
"It's short for television. It's like watching people in a box that can't see you. You use Kanna's mirror, don't you? It's like that. But most of the things that happen on television aren't real." He seemed to relate, a little. "Next time you're in my world, remind me to show you. Anyway, the Inu Yasha show is an anime. Which is like a simplistic drawing of someone that moves." I paused in my explanation, making sure we were on the same page. I guessed by his face that we were. Sort of.
"So… Inu Yasha is the main character and it shows others. Like… yourself, Sesshomaru, Kouga… people. But only important ones." He smirked, pride at being called important. "You're the main villain. Of course you're important. You're plot line." He frowned. I grinned.
"How much do you know?"
"Well… considering that Inu Yasha was like… my first anime ever and my favorite, I know a whole hell of a lot. Like… about Onigumo's heart and Kikyo and how you plan to rid yourself of it and kill her and then you win and such." He nodded slowly. "I'm only half insane. I think." A chuckle. "Shut up!" A laugh. "You're mean."
And then he was charging at me with the practice sword. "Hey! Don't I get a wooden stick of doom, too?!" He laughed again, shaking his head. His long, black, wavy hair moved around and I was distracted by it for a second. I snapped out of it when he charged at me again. I clapped my hands together with the sword in between, moving the evil wooden thing to the side. "You know, because I was totally in love with the show, I know all your weaknesses. And other people's too, of course."
"Are you saying you could help me kill Inu Yasha?"
"You know, I could but I don't wanna. He's a likable person. Now, Kikyo or Kagome? I'd so kill one of those two. I really don't like them. Not for any particular reason, per se, but you get my point."
"So, who are the people you'd kill?" he asked, deadly smirk in place.
"It's better to list the people I won't, actually." He quirked an eyebrow. "I won't try to kill Inu Yasha, Sango, Rin, Shippo, Kirara (though I don't suppose you'd really target the poor cat...) or Kohaku or Sesshomaru. They're just too awesome for me to want to kill. For various reasons, that is."
"That is a rather short list."
"Yeah, most people are dumb. Or annoying. Or both."
"I see. Let us begin." And we did. We practiced for a few hours, ignoring the news that a few enemies of Naraku's were moving in (the whole Inu Yasha gang and Sesshomaru). I think the only reason I didn't die was because I'd taken fencing and martial arts classes. Which was good. When we stopped, Naraku was completely calm and un-bothered whilst I could barely talk, panting as hard as I ever had. Which was cool with me, 'cause learning sword fighting was much cooler than breathing.
"Want to give up?" he asked, a triumphant, egotistical smirk in place.
"Yes, of course I do. But I'm too stupid to care that I can't breathe right now." I smiled, racing at him at my own top speed. Which was pretty fast where I come from but pretty slow compared to the evil man himself. However, I did catch him off guard, which was my goal.
But Naraku wasn't stupid; he quickly used his sword (apparently he was teaching me how to guard when I didn't have a weapon and my enemy did… I think he was just being an ass… anyway…) to take a swipe at my head. I had guessed that he'd do this (oh my god! I thought ahead, for once!) so I caught the damn wooden thing and went to punch his face. Which he caught. But I expected that too (damn I'm smart!). He twisted it back, trying to get me to let go of the sword. Which I did, and then I dropped to the floor and side-swept his legs from under him with a turning-kick-thing.
Dunno what it was called, but it was epic. Anyway, I grabbed his dropped wooden sword (more from surprise than actual advantage, did I receive that thing) and pointed the point (how repetitive…) at his throat. He smirked, giving a short clap from his place on the floor.
"You're better than I had expected, girl." I giggled at the innuendo in his sentence.
"So not the right thing to say when someone's got their 'sword' pointed at you. Anyhow, I stole the move from some anime I watched, – it's a thing I watch on the box called a television – I'm sure."
"Not bad for a beginner, either way. We'll have to continue this some other time; Inu Yasha and his group of humans and Sesshomaru are headed this way." I nodded and followed as he left the room. "You shouldn't follow. You may get hurt."
"Oh, well," I said, grinning.
We exited the castle through large, wooden doors (what's it with him and wood? Ooo… I made a funny!), coming to some weird, not-so-pretty courtyard. It was dead and rather rotted looking. From the miasma that, somehow, wasn't affecting me. Oh, Mon-kun's protecting me from it. Thank you, Mon-kun!
Said monkey-man smirked, turning toward me. He opened his mouth to say something but I was all, "Nope. Not being a fake hostage. Sorry, big, scary, long and black-haired man." He looked disappointed.
"Naraku!" a certain red-clothed (he's a total gangsta!), silver-haired, half-demon yelled. "I'm gonna kill you!"
"Maybe later!" I called. "I don't think he's up to it right now!" The other half-demon glared at me, telling me to shut up with his evil, red eyes. "Sorry." I grinned.
Just then, a sacred arrow hit the wall beside Naraku. And who's the lucky girl with the terrible aim? Why, Kagome, of course! "Naraku! Oh, who's that girl? Another incarnation?"
"Hell nah, chickie! I'm your opposite, a nightmare, if you will. Yours, of course." I sent her a sadistic grin. At least, that's how I meant it. And she looked creeped out so whatever I did accomplished it's job. "Anyway, I really don't like you, so I'm gonna stick with Mon-kun."
Just then, a large ball of blue light (hah! Blue balls!) hit Naraku's barrier. It was the other male dog demon, Sesshomaru! I started humming the bat man theme, ending with 'doggie' instead of 'bat man'. He didn't seem happy so I 'eep'ed and jumped behind the monkey-man, saying in a small voice, "Don't kill me!"
When nothing happened, I peeked out from behind the evil man to see Sesshomaru looking at me with a confused expression (at least, as confused as Sesshomaru can look…). This confused me as well, 'cause when Sesshomaru is confused, everyone's confused. I jogged up to him, giving a sheepish smile when he turned Tokijin on me. When I got over to the bluish-haired male, I said, "What's up?"
He glared, not a normal, vicious glare, just a slight narrowing of his pretty golden eyes. I'm such a fangirl… Then, he said, "What do you want?" In that nice, hateful way he has. (That was sarcastic, of course.) I smiled, saying nothing. His eyes narrowed some more, but he put away his sword (Aw, I liked it out…) and turned away, saying in a monotone, "Naraku's death is unattainable at this moment." And he walked away like the rich snob he was.
And I was all, "Bye, Mon-kun!" as I ran after him.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Stalking you. I dunno. I'm bored. You care?"
"No. Just don't get in the way."
"Okay. Hey, can I ask you something?"
"You'll ask anyway."
"Yupp. Do you know why the sky's blue?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Oh, I already know why. I just want to know if you do."
"Whatever." Hah! He's such a drama-king!
"Do you know why a raven is like a writing desk?"
"No."
"Well, there really is no answer. This guy wrote a book and put that riddle in it as a joke. It wasn't supposed be answered, but people were all, 'He's too stupid to solve his own riddle! Let's do it for him!' And now, my favorite answer is, 'because you can confuse millions with both.'"
"Do you ever stop talking?"
"Nope."
And then there was a Rin hugging his legs. I grinned at the adorable little girl, watching as she asked questions about his safety and whatnot. Jaken was not far behind as he fluttered around the demon lord, asking where he'd been. It was annoying, so I kicked him. Then he was squawking and asking who I was, so I kicked him again.
"Argh! You concubine! I should kill you!" And he raised his staff to burn me but I took that and started beating him over the head with it.
"You stupid toad! Do I look like a whore to you?!" I shouted at the green imp. I hate being called a slut. I mean… I wear baggy men's clothes and such. That makes me the opposite, doesn't it? And I'm still a – oh, never mind, I'm not saying that. "Die you stupid, idiotic¸ low-life, son-of-a-!"
"Stop." Sesshomaru ordered. I obeyed, panting from the exertion of beating the toad. Hitting an imp over the head repeatedly can really take your energy out. I glanced at the dog demon to see a small smirk. Oh, I amused him. I'm good at that, I guess. Crap, that sounded wrong. "You will take care of Rin from now on, to make you useful, girl. It seems you are more capable than Jaken." He seemed less amused. And a little cold. Bastard.
"Okay, works for me."
Rin hid behind Sesshomaru, glancing nervously from me to Jaken. I was confused a moment before realization dawned on me. "Don't worry, kid. I just find that thing annoying. You're awesome. I wouldn't hurt you. Besides, if I did, Sesshomaru would have my head." Heh. Sounds kinky. She seemed reassured as she came out from behind the tall-ass bastard's legs (I bet they're prettier than mine…) and ran up to me.
"Let's play!" she cheered. I nodded but Sesshomaru was a stick in the mud as he told us to go get food. (Does he even eat…?) "Okay!" the young girl chirped, leading me away to some river or stream or something. It had fish in it, I assume.
She actually knew how to catch fish. I didn't. So I let her. I mean… she looked like she was having fun, anyway. I sat down in some grass nearby, watching out for anything unusual. Bored, I started humming 'Amazing Grace'. I was an okay singer, I just liked to do it all the time. I was even singing in my head whilst I was training with monkey-man. Which was funny at first, 'cause it disturbed him. I was singing 'Caramelldansen'.
After I finished the song (which is really freaky timing), a loud cracking noise sounded, giving preamble for a falling tree. It wasn't close to Rin or I, thankfully. Following the tree, however, was something I was not thankful for. Some weird, scaly, purple demon walked into the clearing, laughing evilly as it did so. "A couple of snacks, I see." It chuckled and walked toward me.
"Damn. Another fricken' rapist…" I muttered. "Rin, go get Sesshomaru. I can… erm… Survive a while. But it's important that Sesshomaru get here. I'm still a novice." She nodded and ran off, whilst I faced the demon. It glared at me, angry that one of its 'snacks' got away. It ran at me and I dodged (… scrambled out of the way…) and was happy with that as I noticed a big club headed for my, well, head. I ducked, losing my balance and falling to the ground like the pathetic, clumsy human I was.
How annoying. "I'm getting better, at least." I muttered sardonically. Then I realized what this stupid purple demon-thing was. An incarnation of Naraku. "Damn it, Naraku. You just like to annoy me, don't you?" Yes, yes I do. A voice answered. I wasn't sure whether Naraku had telepathy or I was just crazy. I assumed the second.
I ran away from the demon, searching for something to use as a weapon. The demon was slow, so it didn't catch me and I was able to find a sturdy-looking stick. The demon brushed its feet on the ground like a bull and charged. When it came near me, I jumped away to my left, stabbing it's lizard-y skin with my makeshift sword. Well, my stick broke and like… shattered. Fortunately, the demon's head fell onto the ground anyway.
Wait a minute… That's not right… Oh, look, it's Sesshomaru. "Hi, Sesshomaru!" I fainted. For the second fucking time. Stupid inability to stay awake. Damn it, the rapist is gonna get me.