Eiei Koiboto
By Shadow Dreamer
Disclaimer: Digimon belongs to Toei Animation, Saban, Disney, Bandai, and other companies that may have been forgotten, but it's not me.
**WARNING** This story contains shounen-ai. Please leave now if that makes you uncomfortable. Homophobic rants will be laughed at and flames will be used to warm my room on a cold winter night.
This fic is quite different from my other ones…it's still Taito, but it's a sad one. Blame my muses, okay? They all decided to hit after I had read around 12 Taito fics, and they were ALL depressing, and it WAS five in the morning. So blame it on that, okay? But yeah, it's dark, depressing, angsty, and Taito…just as a little warning to you guys. So go grab some tissues and just read it, okay? *hides behind rock*
-- Yamato --
I thought that it would be okay.
You always came back…
-- Taichi --
Even if you don't know it, you always took me for granted, Yamato. It started out small, when we were nothing more than friends. We were best friends, and really close, and yet we still managed to always fight. Most of them were small, and over fairly stupid things, and within five minutes we'd be talking and laughing again like nothing ever happened.
And then there were the actual disagreements we had, only verbal, and they always resulted in the both of us avoiding each other for a few hours, and then I called you or you called me and we'd make plans to get together…once again, like nothing ever happened. None of these fights were ever mentioned again.
But…every once in a while we actually had a fight fight, and they usually got physical and in the end we'd exchange some pretty nasty words and then both of us would shout "Fine!" and stomp off. They never lasted longer than a day and a half to two days, however…because after that I'd apologize to you. You would never do it. You had too much pride. But I, bearing the Crest of Courage, always apologized, and you were relieved when I did, and then you said sorry too.
I think it became a habit, Yama…when you figured out that I'd always come back. Because after we got together, we never fought that much, nothing big anyway, but…
It was your career, Yama. It was your career. I tried to be patient with you. I honestly did. It became hard though, when you spent almost every second of every day with your band and you always came home late at night. It became too much, and I told you about it one day, and we almost fought, but then you got scared and started to cry and I just didn't have the heart to be mad at you anymore. I hugged you and you kissed me and said you were sorry, and you promised to spend more time with me.
And you did, Yama…you really did. You tried really hard to not be home late and you came home during the day.
-- Yamato --
Maybe I shouldn't have done so much with them, but…
-- Taichi --
But then your band started to actually get really popular, I mean, in more countries than Japan. You started your tours…mostly around Japan at first…and there were times where you gone for months at a time. I missed you like hell, but I know that you missed me too, and I tried real hard not to be mad at you. It was your dream after all, koi…
But when you were home you spent time doing other things or with Takeru. I saw you maybe a couple hours a night…perhaps you thought it was because I'd always stay…
-- Yamato --
You always accepted it before, Taichi-koi…
Why not now? I don't really understand…
I guess it became too much for you…but then, you were the one who always say that nothing could come between love…you convinced me to believe that, Taichi-koi…
-- Taichi --
Sometimes it got so bad that I left. I would grab Agumon and a suitcase and I would leave.
…and I would always, always come back. I would stay away for a day at most and then I came back. Maybe I shouldn't have once, made you work for me…you may have learned a lesson, then.
But I didn't. I love you so much and I missed you and I felt guilty about leaving you so I always came back; to find you crying and scared and you always clung to me like a child. I could never be mad at you as a result.
You kept doing it, probably knowing that I'd come back. It grew tiring after a long time, and I knew that I couldn't keep it up much longer. You're a hard person to love, Yama…I thought I deserved a little credit for trying and being so patient.
-- Yamato --
I could see the happiness in your eyes when I stayed home-no tours or anything-for four months straight. Even the way you acted was different. I loved it too. It broke my heart to be leading you on like I was…
-- Taichi --
I hate you, I hope you know that. I was so happy during those four months, Yama. *We* were so happy. I could see it in you; you just decided not to acknowledge it. I had thought things were different, better. But no. I got my hopes helplessly up, just to find out that you'd be leaving. Again.
-- Yamato --
When I told you that day, Taichi-koi…
I had never felt so bad about anything in my entire life.
Your eyes went blank. The twinkle and life wasn't there.
You looked so broken…
You left again, but…
I had honestly thought that you'd come back…
…you thought it was my fault, but…
…god damn it Taichi, it was partly your fault…for always coming back…for making me believe that you would that time, too…
-- Taichi --
Only this time you were leaving for four years.
Four years, Yamato.
Not a few months, not a year, four years. In America.
You told me all of a sudden too. You couldn't have just told me right away, and given me time to let it sink in, and you couldn't have told me calmly either. It was out of nowhere. All you said was "I'll be leaving" and then you just blabbered it all out.
Do you know how much it broke my heart to hear that? To know that I wouldn't be able to see you for four years?
How could you honestly expect me to forgive you, then? And you were leaving in three weeks, too. Three weeks was nearly not enough time. I got so mad and upset that I left again.
Only this time, I didn't go back. I knew that I couldn't. If I went back, you'd be crying again, and I couldn't be mad at you, and then we make up like nothing ever happened and I'd be separated from you in three weeks.
All we'd be doing was hurting each other. We still are, but it hurts less this way, at least. It seems to be fate. We're always hurting each other, Yama. Always.
-- Yamato --
Taichi-koi no baka. I know why you left that time. You were upset. I could see that. You clearly didn't want me to leave. In that case, you should have come back, just like you always did. To be honest, if you had come back, I probably wouldn't have gone. I would have known then that you loved me enough, even after hearing that, to come back and possibly let me go, and in that case, I wouldn't have had the heart to leave you. But you didn't come back. I still knew that you loved me enough to let me go, you just didn't quite show it in the right way, that's all. Er…not quite the way that I was looking for, anyway.
I told you it's partly your fault. I never would have told you-hell, I probably wouldn't have ever considered going-if I didn't know whether or not you would come back. Whether or not you would wait. But since you had done it so many times before, I thought that you would. And you didn't. It hurt, you know. God damn it, I love you, Taichi. But that's what we do. We hurt each other. We can't seem to do anything but that.
You staying away only caused me to want to go even more, and so I got ready to go. I was at the airport that morning, ready to go, regretting that I would never be able to see you again…or, most importantly, tell you that I was sorry…
-- Taichi --
Damn it, Yamato, I don't know what it is about you, but something about you draws me to you. That's probably why we fell in love in the first place.
But that caused me to go back…again. You were standing at the airport, ready to board the plane, when I called your name, sounding more desperate and upset than I had intended. You turned to me, and your eyes widened with shock, and you looked like you wanted to cry. I knew that if you did, I wouldn't have been able to mad at you…you wouldn't have gone or I would have begged to come with you…
…but you didn't cry. It was weird. It was almost like that in the three weeks without me, you had learned to control that. You looked horrible, and thin enough for anyone to see that you hadn't been eating, but that was the price you paid, I guess.
"Taichi." You said to me.
"Yamato." I replied.
"…you didn't come back."
"I know."
"I thought you were going to. That's why I decided to go in the first place, you know. Because I thought you'd come back."
I shrugged at him. "I wound up coming back in the end, didn't I?"
"Not in time."
"What?"
"Taichi…if you had come back sooner, I would have stayed."
"Tough."
"Don't you care at all?"
"GOD DAMN IT, YAMATO!! OF COURSE I CARE!! THAT'S WHY I LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! I WAS UPSET, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT!?! I WAS UPSET THAT I WASN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE YOU FOR FOUR YEARS!!"
Yamato flinched at my shouting, and people were looking at us, but I didn't care.
"I hate you." Yamato hissed.
"I know."
"All we ever do is hurt each other."
"…yeah…"
"Are you saying that this is for the best, then?"
"I don't know…"
We remained silent then, until Yamato finally asked, "…will you forget about me?"
I sighed heavily. "No." I answered right away. "I wouldn't. I can't. I could never forget about you, Yamato. I love you."
You sighed too. "I know. I won't forget you either."
Then he asked me the last thing I would have expected him too. "Will you come back?"
My laugh was forced and dry. "I probably will wind up coming back. In four years I'll probably still be waiting. But we will see."
"Sayonara, Koiboto." You whispered to me, and pulled me into a passionate kiss. For a moment, a split second, the truth of the world and everyone around us faded away, and it was just me and you again, in perfect bliss, with nothing to worry about…
-- Yamato --
I pulled apart from you, and you were crying, and I felt like I wanted to. I hugged you tight, but pulled away before you could place your arms around me, because I knew that if you did, I'd never be able to go.
"Sayonara, eiei koiboto…" you choked, and I had to struggle not to sob.
"Ja ne, Taichi-koi…" I said as if it were the old days and one of us was dropping the other off at their apartment.
"Ja ne, Yama…" you choked again, and I ran off then, crying, unable to stand it anymore, and I didn't look back. I did the stupidest thing in my life then, besides maybe listening to the god damned fucked up talking gay tree. If I hadn't listened to Cherrymon, perhaps I never would have fallen in love with you in the first place…
-- Taichi --
You ran off crying, and I grew angry, and then I did the stupidest thing in my entire life. "I HATE YOU, ISHIDA YAMATO!" I screamed after you, crying, and then I turned and ran away…
-- Yamato --
Screw what I said before. I did wind up looking back, after you screaming those words to me. I could easily see that you were crying and upset. You didn't really mean that, did you…?
No, of course you didn't. If you didn't love me, Taichi, then we wouldn't *be* in this mess right now. But if you honestly want those to be your last words to me Taichi, then fine. All we do is hurt each other anyway, but seven years had to have honestly counted for something... never mind. I don't care anymore…I love you but I don't care…
Four years later
-- Yamato --
I dreaded going back. Going back meant facing you, and that was the last thing that I wanted to do at that point. Even though I missed you, and I still love you, and wanted to apologize…to just see you again…
But then again, did I really have to face you? After what you said…but you didn't mean them. Are you going to come back? Are you going to hurt us both even more? You did say "sayonara, eiei koiboto" after all…
Whatever your decision is, Taichi, I dread it.
-- Taichi --
I honestly did consider going back, at first. I seriously considered going to the airport to meet you. Instinct was able to tell me when you'd be back.
I miss you like hell, Yamato…I haven't felt this bad in my whole life…not even right after you left…
…but I realized something while you were gone.
You broke your promise to me.
God damn it Yamato, you broke your promise to me.
Do you even remember? Do you even remember that one time, so many years ago, when our friendship actually truly meant something to the both of us? When nothing like this would have ever come between us? Before we actual convinced ourselves that our destiny was to love and fight each other?
Do you remember?
I was injured, badly, possibly even dying. You saved me then. If I hadn't heard your voice I wouldn't have even bothered trying to get up, let alone actually doing it, even for Hikari. But I heard your voice, and I heard the pain and sorrow in it…the love…and I knew instantly that I didn't want to die. I had known that I loved you then, as a friend at the very least.
And then you urged Garurumon to run faster and when he reached me you jumped off of him before he even stopped running and you ran to me and scooped me up into your arms. I told you that I had faith in you…and your exact words were, "Thank you, Taichi, for believing in me. I'm just sorry I was so late. Taichi, you have to know how much our friendship has always meant to me, and I swear that nothing will ever come between us again."
You meant it then, you really did. Does it surprise you that I remember your every word? Would it? But, geez, I actually believed it, Yamato. I believed it. And it was true for a while until you had to damn get interested in music. How could you have ever forgotten? If you had remembered that you wouldn't have abandoned me. You wouldn't have left four years ago, at least.
Did those words even mean something to you? Were they true? Or did you just say them to keep me alive, to save the Digital World? Or did it mean something to you then, and it simply faded over time? Is that why you forgot? But then why did you fall in love with me? Or pretend to be?
There are so many unanswered questions, Yamato…too many.
But it doesn't matter. You broke your promise, even when I never did, you never even tried to remember when I always came back, and I'm not sure if I can forgive that.
For someone who bears the Crest of Friendship, you sure know nothing about it. I never thought I'd say this, but I doubt you deserve it.
We're just meant to hurt each other. Maybe you were right. Maybe I was implying that you leaving was for the best and I didn't know it, or didn't choose to acknowledge it, at least. We love each other, more than anything but it just wasn't meant to work…not like this. Perhaps our final way of hurting each other is to avoid each other completely. We'd be hurt but then we could never hurt each other again, and love each other from afar.
But is that what you really want?
-- Yamato --
Part of me hopes that you will come back. But I doubt you will. I broke my promise to you; after all…I know you know that. You probably think that I don't know. That I forgot. But I haven't. I never could. It hurts me to know that I did that…gomen nasai…
But it's too late for sorry, isn't it? Apologizing was due four years ago, perhaps even before then.
Perhaps it's the best thing if you don't come back. If you come back, we'll both be so upset that we won't be mad at each other, and we'll get back together, but I'll do it again thinking you'll come back, and you probably will, and we'll just keep hurting each other like that until one-or both-of us dies. It's stupid Taichi, it's stupid. But it's us.
Damn you…why did you have keep coming back in the first place? If you hadn't, if I was forced to apologize for once, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But you always came back and made me stupidly believe that you would continue to.
All I want to do is hold you, and kiss you, because when we do that then everything else in the universe disappears and it's just us, in perfect bliss once again. But when we break apart we see the world again, and how much we have screwed each other up. There's a price to pay for love, you know. I always knew and expected that but I never thought it would be this bad.
After a while though, the price becomes too expensive for one or both of you, and then you can't pay. And when a price can't be paid, it's not given to you.
Is that what's happening now? Is that what you want to happen? Because I don't want that to happen…I don't but I know it will…
I'm crying now you know, thinking of you. Thinking of you makes me cry, but it's no longer because I'm so happy with you I could die. It's because of the pain that you've caused me, and the pain that I've caused you…
-- Taichi --
I'm standing by the airport now, hiding in the trees of the forest nearby. I can see the planes landing. Yours will be in soon.
I'll probably leave when it comes. I'm just getting a last look at the scene. I think I'm hoping that I can leave the memories behind, but that's next to impossible…
…maybe I'll stay to see you, but only that, nothing more.
If I get more than just a glimpse of you then I know I'll lose control and I'll wind up running over to you and hugging and kissing you and I'll tell you that I'm sorry, and you'll do the same…
And then we'll get back together and just keep hurting each other.
It's time to stop it.
It's time to grow up. We need to let go, Yamato…
It's tiring to keep this up and it's wearing away at both of us. It's a bad idea. I love you, but I have to go, this time. I'll show you. You said that you always did what you did because you thought that I would come back. You assumed because of what I had done before. It was kind of like promise, wasn't it? No, it was a promise. An unspoken one.
But you broke your promise to me, didn't you? So I'm going to break my promise to you.
I swallow hard, holding back the tears. For some reason, I'm incredibly sorry…and already regretting a decision not quite yet made…
-- Yamato --
What makes me what to hold you in my arms right now? What makes me want to hold you in my arms and comfort you and kiss you and never let go? Why it is so hard to let go?
God damn it Taichi, why do I have to love you this much? *We* love each other, I always thought that that was enough. Why are we always hurting each other if we love each other so much…?
Is fate trying to tell us something? But we have a free will don't we? So it's our choice that we're always hurting each other, then? I don't understand…
Even as I close my eyes and take a deep breath and try to blink back my tears, I can't stop crying. I'm still thinking of you. Of how much I love you. We promised that we would never leave each other. What ever happened to that?
I love you so much Taichi, I hope you know that if I never get to say it…I'm sorry…
…god it hurts…why did you have to keep coming back…?
Fuck you, Yagami Taichi.
I hate you.
I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you…
…so why do I still love you?
Why does it *hurt* so bad?
-- Taichi --
It started to rain, you know. I heard once that if it rains on the day that someone you're waiting for is returning, it's a bad omen. And…as much as I hate to admit it, I was waiting for you, wasn't I?
I know that I love you. I always have, and I always will. I'll never trade the time I've had with you for anything, but…
…it's time to let go. We can't be hurting each other like this for eternity.
It's pouring now, for an odd reason. The rain mixes with my tears and I fall to my knees in the mud and bury my face in my hands, sobbing.
My god, up Taichi, up. I have to leave before you get back…I have to…
…because I can't be tempted.
I love you. You love me. We mean more to each other than anything. Our fighting was meaningless. We'd always be there for each other. Neither of us would ever break our promises.
…those were all things that I believed were true, once. But I don't now. I can't. I don't know anything any more. I don't know what of that is true and what isn't.
Your plane is landing…I can hear it…
…I let out a strangled sob. I turn to your plane, and look at it once.
"Sayonara, eiei koiboto…" I said that once didn't I? Even those four years seem so long ago…
I can't take it anymore. I let out a sob again and turn around and run, and I won't look back. Because there is one thing that I know for absolute sure, this time.
No matter what, this time I can't go back…
**OWARI**
*comes out from behind rock* Umm…I know it was sad….and probably not very original…but oh well. *sniff sniff* Poor Tai and Yama…I can't believe I was so mean…
Well, now those of you who have also read Nowhere to Run and/or The Midnight Soul know what my angst is like…and I think I'll still to cheesy yaoi fluff. I already promised somebody a happy one so that will be up soon, okay? In the meantime, PLEASE review, I am very anxious to here from you, especially all of you who really liked my fluff…try to say at least one thing nice, okay? And I may do a sequel, but before you ask for it, it wouldn't be very happy either…anyway, PLEASE review!! You'll all be rewarded with a happy one, promise!
-Shadow Dreamer