This is a light KandaxAllen one-shot that starts shortly before chapter 170, after Cross reveals the connection between Allen and the 14th. It's right before the Mysterious Thief G arc. If you haven't gotten there yet, shoo, or else spoilers will abound.
Also, there's no smut. That'll make some people happy, some people less so.
Rated T because no 9-year-old should be reading D Gray-man, and because of some mild language.
What... was my name again?
I can't remember...?
It was dark. Suffocating darkness that leeched the warmth out of his body and left a chill that shook him to the very core of his soul. He closed his eyes and then opened them, but it made no difference either way; the darkness burned into his eyelids like fire.
"I swore to Mana that I'd never stop no matter what, the I'd keep walking until I died. I'm the one who swore! I don't know how much I've been influenced by the 14th's 'memories.' But these feelings come from my heart, from the real me. I don't care about the 14th! I won't let him have this!"
... He remembered saying that... A promise with Mana. He had said that... Yes, that was what he himself had said. Wasn't it?
"If Allen Walker should awaken as the 14th and be determined to be a threat to the Order…" Komui forced the announcement out with difficulty, but his strained voice died away at the words he had to say next.
Allen stepped up with an impassive smile. "If that should happen, please kill me." A shocked silence fell upon the crowd. "But that won't happen," he continued resolutely. "If the 14th should attack the Order, I will stop him."
He had said that, too. He would stop him? How? With what?
But, he had to...
Stop me? You can't. I am you.
Drenched in a sick coldness, Allen opened his eyes in alarm, his breath uneven and hoarse. The thick darkness of midnight swamped the small room of the inn, the air frigidly still. The only light came from a faint sliver of blue moonlight that peeked in from between the heavy curtains, illumination only pieces of the wall, a small corner of the cottony white pallet he was sleeping on. Slowly, he raised his left hand, waving it in front of his eyes experimentally. Nothing. It was too dark to see. Inhaling deeply, he let it drop with a light thump.
He turned his head as he heard the shuffling of cloth, and Kanda's quiet but unwavering voice, clear despite the traces of sleep in it, issued from his side of the room. "What are you doing?"
"…Kanda? Is that you?"
"What? Who else would it be?" A hint of irritation slipped into his tone.
Allen was quiet for a second.
"Honestly, getting nightmares at your age?" With a sigh, Kanda pulled himself upright, rubbing his head impatiently. "Get some sleep. We missed the Innocence today, so you might as well rest properly."
"…Yeah..."
Silence.
"Hey, Kanda?"
Another exasperated sigh. "What is it, bean sprout?"
"Want to sleep together?"
A pillow flew at Allen's head, hitting him full in the face with a muffled thump as Kanda hissed an incredulous, hoarse whisper, "The hell are you thinking?"
"Shh!" Allen winced and put a finger to his lips hastily. "Miranda's in the next room over. Anyways, we're already sharing a room, so it's not a big deal, right?"
Kanda made a frustrated noise that sounded as if he wanted to argue for a moment, but in the end, he simply exhaled heavily and sank back into his pallet. "Do as you wish."
Carefully, Allen shifted his own pallet over, making sure not to disturb Kanda's blankets too much. He slipped in his covers, wrapping the soft sheets around him; faintly, he could feel the warmth from the other Exorcist's body on his back, constant and unwavering. Without any doubts.
"Kanda, I love you," he murmured.
No response.
"Kanda?"
There was a long pause as the silence stretched on. Then, from behind, he heard the rustle of cloth as Kanda turned his head and said in a low voice, "You're pissing me off. I hate it when you act like an insufferable fool."
Allen blinked in surprise before smiling wryly. "What are you talking about?" He propped his head up with his elbow to face the other exorcist. Kanda's gaze moved sideways to rest on the younger boy's unconcerned smile, anger reflected in the depths of his dark eyes, which were piercing and sharp as steel and slightly silvery blue in the faint moonlight.
"Don't mess around with me. Acting all confident, saying you'll stop the 14th all by yourself when you're really shaking under your covers because of nightmares. You're not getting any prizes for being some sort of glorious martyr. If you want to live, quit the useless charity! Stop trying to do everything yourself!"
"Ah, that sort of thing again… Are you trying to say that I should depend on you, then?"
"I'm saying that you're too much of a scrawny bean sprout to do everything yourself."
Allen looked away and laughed weakly. "That's not very encouraging." He sighed and put his head down, wrapping himself in the blankets once more. "Even so, it's my own problem this time…"
"Tch." Kanda turned his head away. "Do what you want, then. If you get into trouble, I'm not helping you this time. You—"
He was cut off as Allen inhaled sharply, his hand flying to his eye and a familiar throbbing beginning to take hold. "Akuma!" He breathed. "The Innocence must be stirring." In a louder voice, he called to the Miranda and the others, "Akuma are here!"
In a flash, Kanda was already up, reaching for his uniform and weapon. He did not say a word to the other boy, refusing to even glance at him. From the next room, thumping and a few crashes could be heard as Miranda also got her things, and Allen quickly reached for his uniform as well, suppressing a sudden irritation welled up inside him. He had to make sure the Akuma were exorcised safely.
That much, at least, he could do.
The last ashy remnants of the old chess master's hand drifted off and scattered with the cold night breeze, and the Innocence ring clattered to the ground.
An excited golem flitted around, carrying a command with it. "Return to Headquarters at once. That's an order."
"Roger." Kanda picked up the retrieved Innocence as Allen helped Miranda up.
"Gate 28 is in that church, isn't it?"
Miranda put her hand to her lips, her eyebrows knitting nervously. "Hey, is it really okay to bother them this late at night?" But before anyone had time to respond, the heavy oak doorway swung open with a resounding creeeak.
"Thank you for your hard work, exorcists. I'm Father Federico." A smiling man opened the door, extending his hand expectantly. Miranda hesitated.
"G-good evening... I-I'm Miranda Lotte... umm..."
Allen laughed good-naturedly. "He doesn't want to shake hands. You're supposed to write your secret password on his palm."
"Oh!" Miranda blushed, flustered. "O-oh, right. The password. Uh, 8... 3..."
Kanda, who had been glaring silently with his arms crossed, suddenly snapped with an unusually vicious edge, "That's not very secret, is it? Just shut up and write it!"
"Eeek! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Miranda winced and covered her face instinctively, and Allen stepped in, frowning.
"Hey."
Kanda glowered at him. "Hmph. What do you want?" He asked, challenging the other boy's glare.
Link exhaled in frustration. "How many times have you fought today? Seriously, you two wear the Rose Cross. It's a symbol of the Pope's dignity, so you should at least have the decency to-"
Kanda's venomous glare slid to the inspector, his voice now cold and threatening. "Shut up."
"Excuse me?" Link blinked, startled, and resentfully so.
"I said shut up. It's not my problem." His eyes moved back to Allen's face, and he gave him a meaningful look. "It's not my problem. I don't give a damn."
He shot one last dark look at the younger boy before he turned, his cloak rustling, and the clack of his boots on the tile floor echoed as they faded into the distance. Allen bit his lip and glanced at the floor uncomfortably, unaware of the deathly silence until Miranda began stammering apologetically.
"I'm sorry," she wailed with an almost hysteric edge. "It's my fault ... I made Kanda's mood worse..."
Startled, Allen snapped out of his reverie and glanced at her, confused. What was she talking about? After gathering his thoughts, he realized what she meant and smiled reassuringly with his best poker face. "It's not your fault, Miranda. I'm the one getting on his nerves..." He fell silent again as he slipped into his thoughts once more.
Miranda glanced at Allen's somber expression anxiously, her cold hands twisting nervously. I'm the oldest, so I should try to cheer him up! Right? But as she tried to come up with a solution, her nervous hands started pulling at her hair in frustration. But I've never in my twenty-six years cheered anyone up! What if I mess up? Ohh, I can't do it! I can't! I'm completely useless!
She was interrupted by a low growl. Someone's stomach. Blinking, she looked at Allen. "Eh…"
He sighed mournfully as he absentmindedly stretched a protesting Timcampy. "I'm hungry…"
"Do you want some candy?" She asked tentatively.
A blissful look immediately lit up his face. "Yes!" He exclaimed, and she gave a weak laugh. Had he cheered up?
Kanda's gaze flitted towards him for a second before turning back to the gate. "You…" Allen's face twitched, but he didn't respond, his back still turned to the glowering Exorcist and his smile still plastered on his face. Irritated, Kanda didn't say anything further before stepping through the Ark. As they arrived at HQ, he left wordlessly, and Allen sighed before slowly trudging towards to his own room.
The light from the afternoon sun hit the windowsill lightly, bathing the room in an eerie orange. Timcampy fluttered around restlessly, but Allen sat motionless on his bed in the corner of the room, his head in his arms, his entire body deprived of energy and presence. He could have been a ghost for all the difference it made. The agitated golem tugged at Allen's snowy white hair impatiently, but he merely waved at it with a weary hand.
The 14th… He was the 14th. He couldn't blame Kanda for being angry; he was completely right. Even though he had found a reason to keep living a long time ago, a reason that could repair his crushed heart and his shattered arm, right now he couldn't even remember it. "Please kill me." That was surely the reason for Kanda's anger. Yes, he had found a reason to live, but even if he told the whole world that he was confident that he wouldn't loose, a part of him whispered fearfully. What if Allen Walker didn't even really exist? What if he was just a tool raised for the sake of the 14th? What if, no matter how he screamed that he was the one who had made the promise with Mana, what if...
After all, even Mana, his own father had thought of him as the 14th. Mana, who had been his whole world, and Cross, who had raised him. Had he really been adopted and raised by both not as "Allen" but as "Neah"? The memories he had, the secret language they had made up…
With a jolt, he raised his head and looked around the empty room. Silence hung in the air, glowing specks of dust suspended in the sunlight that leaked in through the window. Not a sound to be heard. Where was Timcampy?
He slowly got to his feet, his body seeming to belong to a stranger as he drifted through the corridors of the Order with a singular destination in mind. He stopped at the wooden doors in front of Cross Marian's room, the doors that seemed to be stained with a particular dark hue. They smelled of wine and smoke.
Slowly, he opened the double doors, a sudden chill passing down his spine. As the room came into view and his eyes met those of the man inside, his face contorted in shock and bitter hatred. Quietly, in a voice shaky with barely suppressed anger, he muttered, "Let's go, Tim."
Leverrier, who was seated comfortably in an armchair, raised an eyebrow in a sadistically dark humor. "Don't you want any cake?"
His shoulders hunched ever so slightly, trembling almost unnoticeably, Allen wheeled around to walk away. "I'm fine, thank you." He swallowed hard before his raging hatred could slip into his voice.
"Allen Walker, huh…" A vicious wolf's smile pulled at the corners of Leverrier's lips. "I wonder... was it perhaps you who killed Cross Marian? Mr. 'Fourteenth.'"
He stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes flashed towards Leverrier with raw, black hatred. The words struck him with a thunderous roar, a raging inferno that flared up suddenly through his head, and he didn't trust himself to speak until he had suppressed his murderous rage.
"Perhaps it was you, Secretary?" His deathly black gaze lingered on Leverrier once more before it turned once more to the exit. As he set his foot down angrily on the soft carpet, he was filled with a sudden destructive urge, and he slammed the door closed behind him as he stormed out of the hateful room with the smell of smoke and blood still lingering in his nose.
He rounded the corner of the corridor, turning into a dark hall that smelled of dust and abandonment. Exhausted, he sank into the cold stone wall, trying to shake off the burning feeling of bloodlust that still seared his body, his mind full of screaming wrath, his arm throbbing viciously in response to his murderous impulse. At that moment, he might as well have been an Akuma or a Noah, perhaps.
"What are you doing here, stupid bean sprout?" An irritated voice resounded from the other side of the hallway. Astonished, Allen turned his head, squinting to make out the barely visible silhouette of the other Exorcist as a faint light outlined his silky black hair. He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and an permanently annoyed expression etched onto his face.
"Kanda…! Why are you here?"
"That's what I should be asking you, idiot! Wandering around to Cross' room at this hour… Is your brain made of shit?"
"Wha- Shit? That's rude... How did you know, anyways? Have you been waiting for me?"
"Hah?" Kanda scowled at him with a disgusted look on his face. "Why would I do that? I don't have time to look after accursed fools." His eyebrows knit together as he waited for Allen's customary response.
Allen opened his mouth to retort as usual, but doubt washed over him suddenly. He hesitated and closed it again, a shadow flitting through his normally bright eyes. "…Kanda…" Hey, Kanda, I wonder, are you really a part of "me"? Are you really a part of "Allen Walker"? Or are you just one of "Neah's" momentary dreams as he sleeps, waiting to be awoken? How much of this feeling will last? His lips parted in a soundless query as he swallowed, unable to push the words past his throat. What was the point in asking, anyways?
The irritated swordsman glanced at the younger boy, his frown deepening as he noted the dark change in the younger boy's face. "Moyashi, what are you—"
Allen quickly pressed a cold, slightly damp hand against Kanda's lips to cut him off. "Wait... don't say anything yet…" He murmured, his voice quiet, almost unsteady as his ragged breath trailed lightly against Kanda's neck, his lips just barely brushing the skin.
Surprised, Kanda didn't move for a second, but as his senses kicked in, he whacked the younger Exorcist's hand away with another scowl. "Damn moyashi, this isn't one of your stupid depressing mood swings again, is it?"
Allen raised his head slightly in confusion, his eyes a bit unfocused.
"Tch, really. You always say the most stupid things. 'I lost all my precious things long ago,' or 'Let me be the sacrifice,' or 'If I become the 14th, please kill me.' You want me to even think about killing you? Damn it, I really will, you accursed fool!"
"You're bringing that up again?... I said I would make sure it wouldn't happen, didn't I?" He attempted a smile, but it twisted into a slight grimace.
"Did you really mean that? Or did you promise it because you wanted to get rid of your doubts?" Startled, Allen met Kanda's piercing glare, but quickly averted his eyes and shuffled uncomfortably, his gaze fixed on the floor.
He opened his mouth to deny it, but no answer came out. All of his tricks and guises, his carefully placed armor, had been seen through. Slowly, he breathed in slightly as he stepped towards Kanda, grabbing his wrist. His eyes were pleading, filled with a wild distress, desires and impulses that he didn't know how to express.
"I… I want to live." He swallowed. "I want to live. Not as the 14th, but as Allen, as Allen Walker. I'm not the 14th. I'm not someone else. These are my memories, right? My promises, and my feelings… I'm not someone else, am I?"
Lost for words, Kanda didn't respond for a second. Then, with an exasperated sigh, he pulled Allen towards him in an awkward one-handed embrace, his arm stiff with embarrassment. "Tch, really, of course you aren't. You're doomed to be a scrawny bean sprout for eternity, after all. What a stupid thing to worry about."
Allen buried his face in the rough black cloth of Kanda's uniform. "It isn't stupid," he muttered. "I'm worried."
Letting out another sigh, Kanda relaxed his arm and put one hand on Allen's soft white hair. "Are you trying to insult me? I'm not stupid enough to love some weird stranger, am I? Besides, don't you dare say you think that what you feel about me is fake. If you say that, I really will shave you bald." His voice was low, and for once, there was no irritation in his words.
The younger boy smiled faintly and murmured, "You're pretty stupid for falling for such a scrawny bean sprout yourself, aren't you?" He closed his eyes, relaxing in Kanda's warmth and comforting scent for a few moments, a scent that reminded him of warm tea and lotus flowers in fresh rain. He really did love this person; there was no mistake.
A sudden revelation made him open his eyes.
"Kanda, before, you said—" In his haste, he unwittingly pushed the older Exorcist, who lost his balance in surprise. In a futile attempt to catch him, Allen grabbed at his coat, but the black fabric just barely slipped out of his fingers and caused him to fall as well with a loud thud.
"Aghh!" Snapping out of his daze, the irritation returned to Kanda's voice. "You damn moyashi, what are you doing? For your scrawny body, you sure are heavy, idiot! Get off of me!"
Unwilling to change the subject, Allen ignored him. "Hey Kanda, you just said you loved me, right?" He asked, peering into Kanda's irritated face. "That was the first time!"
"Wha—That's not important right now! Gah, you're pissing me off! Just get off of me and go away!"
"You did, didn't you?" A mischievous smile danced on the younger boy's lips. "Admit it!"
"Y-You..." He snapped in an agitated tone, incoherent invectives pouring out as a faint blush rose to his skin. Seeing that his protests had no effect whatsoever, he relented angrily. "Tch, fine, whatever!" Satisfied, Allen leaned back and Kanda sat upright, rubbing his head in frustration. "Anyways, just leave! Go to bed already!" He glared at the younger boy.
"Oh, alright." Allen laughed. "After all, we have a mission tomorrow."
Scowling, Kanda got to his feet, dusting himself off as he turned to leave. He started to walk away briskly, but after a few moments, he suddenly paused and exhaled heavily as he remembered what he was originally going to say.
"Hey, moyashi, you'd better remember this. Don't you dare let that damn Noah take over." His gaze slid sideways to meet Allen's. "If you die now, that would be breaking our promise. That was certainly a promise you made, right? You can't die now because I still haven't remembered your name. Stupid bean sprout."
Allen blinked, his mouth open in surprise. He had forgotten about that promise, if it could be called one. Slowly, a smile stretched across his face. That was right. He wasn't going to die until Kanda remembered his name, at least.
What… was my name again?
I can't remember...?
"It's Allen, Bakanda!"
(the day before the fanfic takes place)
Extra: Something Like A Prologue
"You heard me. I'm going to Germany. Write that down in your stupid book."
Mugen glistened threateningly just a few hairlengths from Komui's nose. A drop of sweat rolled down his chin, tickling his cold skin. He laughed nervously. "Now, now, Kanda, let's not be too hasty… Um, put away the sword first…"
"Just shut up and write it down!" Kanda's face twitched, his eyes glowing demonically as Mugen's sharp steel inched ever closer.
"Germany? What are you talking about?" He glanced down at the papers on his desk, careful not to move his face in order to save his beautiful, flawless skin. His beautiful skin that received too many bruises and cuts enough as it was. "Ah! Are you talking about the mission I gave Allen? The ghostly chess master, Mr. Martin? Well, see, I was actually planning to send you on another mission… Eek! Alright, alright, I'll do it, just put that thing away!"
Komui breathed a sigh of relief as Mugen finally disappeared into its sheath. He looked up, but Kanda was already walking away. "Ah, Kanda, wait! You're worried about Allen, right? Should I pair you with him for his future missions until this whole thing clears up—Ow!" He winced as a book hit his head. So much for his beautiful skin.
He sighed forlornly. Being supervisor was a pain the neck sometimes, he thought as he scribbled the memo down on a nearby notepad.
End. Author's Note. Or rant.
Unbeta'd. Was originally gonna, but... I got impatient. xD Whatever. So yeah, it's sorta... bad. Or something. Well, it's not too bad, I guess.
Allen's so... meh. He's all girly and stuff in this fic. D: *ispissed* Ew. I sort of suck at this. OTL
Gahhh Kanda was hard to write. I think he's definitely still off somehow... He's got such a subtle, visual sort of refinement that with just text, he tends to come off overly rough. Because sorry, but all his actions make him seem like a jackass. Which he is, just in a sort of cool way. Or something.
Speaking of Kanda, the latest DGM chapter was sort of annoying. All that happened was... Kanda got a sword. sigh. Unless I want to pull some "profound" crap out of my ass and say that it was some sort of subtle parallel between Kanda and Johnny or some shit, it really was too Kanda/Lenalee for my comfort. The last two pages of Allen were epic, though. And it is nice that Kanda stopped looking weird as hell. =/ He looked sort of odd in the Phantom G arc, and then he went all super saiyan with the purple hair or something... which was... odd. Maybe that was just me, though. xD
Kk, enough of my ranting. xD Anyways, hope you liked it~ and I'd love it if you reviewed. :3