After the party everything slowed.
A night of celebrating being alive ended in the early morning hours. After drinking, playing, dancing, smoking, laughing, and partying, by three AM they all began to unwind in a slow nearly simultaneous kind of dance.
Roger and Mimi occupied the couch, his strong arms around her small frame. A smile on their lips… for once not haunted by the scars of their past. Her hands rubbed his to assure him that this was still real. Her fingers traced along his rough skin, back and forth.
…back and forth.
Collins sat in the chair, a smiling Angel in his lap. His hands held tight to her waist, as though he was afraid to let go. Occasionally she'd lean and kiss him. Once or twice.
If only, once or twice…
On the floor, Maureen and Joanne whispered secrets together, pale hand holding tight to dark hand. Her salvation. They smiled at what they shared and tightened their hold.
Just hold on.
And then there was Mark. Mark became invisible when the party slowed into nothing, as they devoted their hearts again to the one they loved. Behind his camera, he was smiling, but he could only watch for so long.
It's been too long.
Mark slipped out onto the fire escape, reveling in the cool air the early spring morning provided. He panned across the night sky, anything to stop from thinking or worse… feeling. The filmmaker let out a small sigh, and wished it wasn't so quiet
In silence the mind wanders...
Then suddenly, "You okay, honey?"
"Holy shit!" Mark jumped and felt his hands lose grip on the most important item in his life.
Another yelp escaped his throat at the idea of it falling to break, to be destroyed, but an Angel reached out and saved the camera from seeing an untimely end.
She smiled, and quirked her head to the side, "It's okay, I've got it."
His pale hand scratched the top of his head in embarrassment, "…thanks."
Angel held the camera tentatively in her hands, her eyes searching the sky. Mark leaned against the railing, feeling very vulnerable. He coughed lightly to clear the awkward silence.
God he hated silence…
"Where's…uh, where's Collins?"
"We're not joined at the hip y'know." Angel said, her smile warm.
"Yea, I…I know…it's just…"
But somehow she already knew, "Just lately you don't see any of us without our significant other close by."
"Well, yeah." Mark said.
She turned to him, "He's asleep. They all are. And I wondered where you'd gone to…why you weren't sleeping too."
"Haven't been able to sleep much lately…" He admitted.
"Me too."
And as though to emphasize this fact, Angel was overcome with a short coughing fit.
Mark's heart raced, a shaking hand going to her shoulder, "Are you okay? Do you want some water or tea or a blanket? Whatever I can do, I will-"
Angel shook her head, "I'm fine. The best I've been… since I can remember."
He tried to keep the doubt out of his eyes.
But she saw.
"Really, Mark, hon. For a person who's dying, I've never been better!"
And she said it with such sincerity and joy that he knew it was true, but it didn't stop it from hurting any less.
Angel held the camera out to him, "So I guess you want this back, I'd try it out but I'm not sure how to…"
"Oh that's easy. I mean you just need to turn this handle here and y'know move it to shoot what you want." Mark demonstrated for her, smiling just because they were off the subject of… of what he couldn't face without a camera to hide behind.
"So that's how that thing works!" Angel said with a grin, as she took the camera back from him.
She tilted the camera down to the street below, and then panned left to focus on Mark who cringed and tried to move out of the way of the lens.
"Don't…don't film me okay?" He said, embarrassed.
Angel nodded and gave the camera back to him, "Why don't you like being filmed?"
He bit his lip, he'd never really thought of why before. Only knew that the idea of watching himself on a film reel made him nervous… There were some things he didn't need to film to remember.
Mark shrugged, "I don't know really."
"Maybe it's because you don't want to see that look in your eyes." Angel said at last.
And she saw and she knew. Despite how desperately he tried to hide it.
And when he didn't respond she continued, "That look like your heart is going to break every time one of us coughs. Like being left alone will destroy you…"
And she knew. Somehow out of all of them she had seen.
Roger knew him best. But she saw and she understood.
"I…"
And what do you say after that?
Angel smiled, "Don't worry, honey, he hasn't forgotten about you."
Mark swallowed and looked down, "I know."
"Baby, you coming to bed? You need your rest." Collins' voice laced with sleep traveled out from inside.
"In a sec." Angel answered as she wrapped her arms around Mark in a tight hug.
"Uh…" He should say something, "thanks."
It seemed appropriate, but thinking back later he wished he had said so much more. Explained what this meant to him to have someone see him like she did…but then again she probably already knew.
She tightened the hug, "Mark, I know it's hard, but don't hide every time you start to feel, huh?"
"Yeah…okay."
"And take a break from watching…sometimes seeing everything is more of a curse than a gift."
With that the Angel walked back into the loft, leaving Mark with the silence again. The filmmaker slid down to sit, hands cradling his camera protectively.
"What the fuck are you doing outside. It's freezing."
Mark looked up to see Roger coming out of the loft to sit next to him and he smiled.
She was right.
He hadn't forgotten.
Was there anything Angels didn't see?