Not Great

by AlphaMiddle21

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE/NonCon Kara attends a NYE party at an old friends house. It is great until it isn't. This is a story of trauma and recovery as Kara battles to get through one of the hardest things anyone could possibly go through. Maggie, Alex, Lucy, and everyone are there for her as she fights it. I hope this story can inspire some hope, some comfort.

1. Chapter 1

AN

TRIGGER WARNING: rape/non-consensual

PLEASE FRIENDS IF YOU THINK THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU DON'T READ.

That being said... I wrote this to help people. This kind of thing affects a lot more people than you would think. This is just one of many scenarios that happens. This is a story of tragedy, trauma, and recovery. It is my hope that in writing this people can find healing and some comfort that they might not have received, that they would know they are not alone. It is also my hope that this can be a look into what might go through someone's head while this happens so that friends and those close to them have a better idea of what to do to help love them.

I had originally posted this on Ao3 and took it down b/c I didn't think I was going to keep writing and some other more personal reasons. However I changed my mind after a couple of people reached out. Sorry for any confusion. I didn't steal this from anyone, it was then mine and now. No worries there.

That is all.

As always. Please let me know what you think. Reviews/comments literally make writing worth it and this is one of those stories that kind of relies on your guyses feedback. I have taken great care to write this and have tried very hard to capture this in the best way possible.

I hope this story does everything I hoped it would. All the best guys - T

---

"Drive safe."

"Yes mom" Kara yells to Alex as she heads out the door of her apartment. Alex was over checking in on her after they had gotten back from the DEO and had spent the last two hours trying to talk her little sister out of canceling the plans she had made in early December.

Erin, one of her good friends from college invited her to spend New Years Eve with her, her fiance, and a few of their friends. Kara wasn't going at first but Alex and Maggie encouraged her to stay in touch with the friend she spoke fondly of whenever college stories came up and talked her into it.

She was still dealing with a solar flare from earlier that morning, which is why Alex had followed her back to her apartment from the DEO. Kara had the message typed on her phone to send to Erin but Alex had snatched it away before she could press send. Alex was always nervous when her klutz of a younger sister was with out her powers but she knew how excited Kara had been to see her old friend.

She always had to push Kara to stick with her plans for social interactions. Kara would be all excited then in the hours prior to the engagement she would talk her self out of it and cancel opting instead to stay in and hang out on the couch in sweats with some coffee, pizza and either a good book (good being a relative term if you asked Alex) or a movie she had probably seen at least 50 times. Alex pushed her this time too, claiming that still having the effects of the solarflare only meant that Kara could let loose a little bit and be normal. God only knew how much her sister needed that right now with how crazy her life had gotten since becoming supergirl.

Kara got to Erin's apartment a little early, at about 6 when the "party" didn't start until 8. It had been almost two years since they saw each other, she really missed Logan and her goofy sense of humor. She had always helped Kara with her papers and figuring out her writing style as she was studying linguistics and was now two years in to an accelerated Phd program before she starts law school. Erin had recently gotten engaged to a guy from the program, Kara hadn't met him yet, but she could tell he was good for Erin by the way she seemed to be so much happier then she was when they were at NCU.

After talking to Erin Kara had bought a 24 pack of beer for Jake from a brewery in National City. He loved the stuff and after moving a few hours away he didn't get it often. "He will love you forever!" Erin had exclaimed the last time her and Kara had talked on the phone. When she walked in the door she put the case of beer down on the floor and was immediately nearly tackled back out the door in a flying hug from her friend. "I'm so glad you could make it!"

Kara helps Erin get the pulled pork and wide assortment of chip-dip ready for when, Nick-one of Jake's friends, and Jason, Kaitlin, and Andrew came over. Kara hadn't met any of those people before but she was still excited. The girls eventually got changed, Erin helping her with her makeup and picking her out an outfit from the 4 different possibilities she had brought with her. Just like she had during their time in college that seemed so long ago. She settled on dark wash skinny jeans and white v-neck t-shirt and a Ralph Lauren zip up a white and navy checkered jacket thing. Erin had always loved that outfit on Kara, told her she acted more confident and fun in it then when she tried to be overly "hot" and that it was better for her. Besides, Kara pulled off the preppy look really well. The guys always seemed to like it when Kara would tag along to house parties as the DD, which wasn't too often as Kara never really felt comfortable there. Gamenights were much more her style.

Kara, of course, was the first one done getting ready. Erin and Jake's sister- Andrea?- were still getting ready. Plopping down on the couch James had handed her one of the beers she had brought over for him. "I'm glad you could make it. E has been talking about this for weeks. It's good to finally meet you." They clink their glasses in a toast as Kara offers him a small smile. She could see why he made her friend so happy.

A few drinks in, and still waiting on the other two girls to be ready, Jake's friend - Nick - arrives and Kara can't help but notice how cute he is. Erin had warned her that Nick was getting over a bad break up and was kind of a man-child when it came to dealing with emotions, but he was sooo cute. Kara would be lying if she said hadn't mentally called dibs on him for a kiss at midnight. She'd never had one of those and the idea seemed really nice.

She was a hopeless romantic after all. Not to mention pretty lonely. It'd been two years since she had broken up with the tool of a boyfriend she had on and off through college. There weren't really any prospects on the table though Kara longed for someone to "do life with" like Alex and Maggie did or like J'ohn and M'gan.

Kara knew she wasn't in a place where she could be the kind of girlfriend that who ever it was would deserve. Her life was too crazy with CatCo and the whole Supergirl thing and she just knew she was too focused on other things right now. However, that didn't mean the selfish part of her didn't want to have someone to start making memories with.

After the arrival of the other three friends the evening gets going. It's nice and low key, much to Kara's approval. They sit, talk, eat, play beer pong-more like water pong, drunk jenga, and sip on their drinks. Nick was her partner most of the night, they shared slight touches on the shoulders, back, and arm as they talk but that's about it. Kara can't read him well, she never was good at reading boys though. This goes on for a couple of hours and the more they drink and the more games of beer pong that go on the more attractive she finds him. Sometime around 11:30 she sneaks a photo of the smiling young man and sends it to Lucy.

"Should I send it?" she asks Lucy's favorite question as of late. Her friend really has been enjoying her singleness after James. Kara's really not sure why she even asks. It's not like her at all. She doesn't even want too but she feels relaxed in a way she hasn't in a long time with the help of alcohol. She doesn't mean 'send it' in the way Lucy usually does, more so just with the kissing. The other stuff… she's not ready for that. And Nick is just so cute and nice. And that smile… God that smile. It is absolutely contagious.

Kara typically told Lucy to go for it. Lucy was really into that and it was kind of impressive. She just did what made her happy or what she wanted and didn't give a damn what other people thought. Kara admired that about her friend, quite a lot actually. It wasn't for her though.

The problems with Kara's on again-off again boyfriend in college had started when Kara had refused to do certain things. But despite their problems he was just kind of nice to talk to, nice to have around - most of the time. She didn't love him though and she certainly wasn't as into the relationship as he was.

Her boundaries were for a lot of reasons though. She could hurt him, for one. But she also wanted to wait for that special someone, as cheesy as it sounded, and be completely theirs. She wanted to do that for them. Give that to them. It was not a part of the Kryptonian tradition to wait until a union or even for the 'special someone' like it was on earth. Some people did and some did not. Kara had always been a little bit intimidated and skittish at intimacy, at vulnerability, and "moving" to earth hadn't helped that at all. As much as she wanted him to be she knew Landon was just not that person. They hadn't even kissed in all their dates, and she found herself being thankful that they were a long distance couple. Kara had always managed to sike herself out or maneuver away for a kiss on the cheek.

Lucy snapchats her a photo back of her on her couch with her dog, Oli, whom Kara related too much more than she did with most people. Kara always felt a little bit out of place. She enjoyed some social interaction, people seemed to like her, and she liked interacting with people most of the time but she also always felt a disconnect. It was draining, unless it was Alex, Maggie, Whinn, James, or Lucy, and sometimes even then too. An extroverted-introvert Alex had called her. "YAAAGAAA, SENDDD IT SISTER!"

They snap-chatted on and off after that. A couple hours after midnight and more games and chatting Erin and Jake had gone to bed and Travis and Amanda, their roommate and Jake's sister who were apparently also dating, had long retired. The others had gone out downtown about 30 minutes after the start of the New Year, no one really missed them if they were being honest.

In the now very quiet apartment her and Nick were left to decide who got the couch and who got the floor. Travis had given them pointed looks and told them repeatedly "no sex on my couch" when he gave them about 7 blankets to keep warm with (they kept the heat pretty much off in the apartment still being "broke as fuck" after college). Kara had smiled sheepishly in her drunken state up at the man saying thank you for the blankets. Little did he know, Kara was a virgin and couldn't even say the word aloud let alone participate in anything past kissing. She knew there was no reason to get so embarrassed and flustered about stuff but that didn't change how uncomfortable and squirmy and just a little embarrassed it made her. Alex teased her but would then usually give her a quick side hug and tell her never to change.

Nick had laughed wholeheartedly, with that smile that reached his eyes and was just so cute, at Travis sensing Kara's embarrassment. After the man left muttering something along the lines of "whatever man" they stood awkwardly in the living room littered with empty liquor bottles, beer bottles, and champagne flutes. The light was dim, coming only through the window from the lights outside and the glow of the led lights on the beer pong table.

"So…" He draws out as he rocks back and forth on his heels, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He wasn't like this all night but Kara supposes that he was picking up on her nervousness and uncertainty. She tended to get like that around guys when she was alone with them. She wasn't scared or anything like that she just generally didn't know what to do.

"Want to share the couch? The floor would be so uncomfortable and cold." She offered with a blush blooming high on her cheeks as she played with the zipper of her jacket. She really wasn't tired though but you could only play so many one-on-one games of beer pong or jenga. She wouldn't mind cuddling, it was one of her favorite things to do with her close friends and Nick seemed like he could be a good cuddle buddy. He smelled so nice and his shirt was really soft and with a smile like that.. How could he not be?

He smiles at her turning from unsure to confident in a blink. "Yeah, ok. Lets get changed first." He suggests while digging through his bag to find what he brought over to sleep in.

"Good idea." She agreed with a nod and grabbed her bag of clothes excusing herself to the bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet the bathroom spins a little bit around her and Kara is reminded of how not sober she is at the moment. Maggie and Alex would tease her about being a lightweight - which is funny because usually alcohol doesn't affect her at all but also warranted in the most innocent way. Kara was a cuddly, sleepy, drunk. That or she liked to "play" and go on adventures, like stealing the nerf guns from the boys down the hall to shoot people returning to their dorm for the night from behind the couch in their building's lobby. She also tended to ramble, completely losing any sort of mental filter as she got closer and closer to sleep.

After looking at herself in the mirror for what felt like an hour as she let warm water run over her hands Kara pulled her hair, down and straight, back into a messy bun. She slid into comfortable sweatpants needing to brace herself against the vanity to keep from tilting over. She then slid into a soft old t-shirt of Alex's from high school. A very not sexy outfit, perfect for cuddling the cute boy on the couch and maybe kissing - just a little. His lips look so soft.

Kara returned to find Nick laying shirtless on the couch in basketball shorts holding up the blanket inviting her to lay on top of him. Kara feels herself blushing but she snuggles into his chest quickly to hide her reddening cheeks. She really hated that they became so flush so easily. She unintentionally brushes her lips into his warm skin whispering into his neck. "Is this ok?"

"Yeah, this is nice." He wraps his arm around her back and starts to drag his fingertips over her spine through the worn cotton of her t-shirt as he replies.

She smiles and relaxes into his hold. Yeah, this is nice. He had been so sweet all night. Funny. Easy to talk too. Joke around with. She had been a little disappointed when the ball dropped that he hadn't kissed her but it wasn't that big of a deal. They were mid conversation with one of Jake's friends, it would have been weird.

Out of nowhere Kara caught herself starting to slide her own hand up and down his ribs and out of her drunken state kissed his pulse point with chaste lips. "Happy new year, Nick." Neither of them dozed off though. They kept with the soft caresses as they laid there, reveling in the feeling and comfort of one another. The warmth, the softness.

Nick turns his head to look down at Kara who had closed her eyes. He smiled to himself at the sight and let out a content sigh making Kara look up at him. Those bright blue eyes peeking up at him through thick eyelashes. He twisted his head a little bit more and shifted just slightly to kiss Kara on the lips. "Good night, Kara."

She kisses him back letting her lips meet his tentatively. Rao, his lips are soft. As they kiss she grows slightly more confident. Taking his bottom lip in hers, she had read that was something people enjoy, she pulled away and tucked her nose back into the crook of his neck.

She was too focused on the goodnight kiss to really notice Nick's hands sliding lower and lower on her back. Noticing it now that she wasn't thinking about how much she liked that good night kiss, her mind dashes to one family vacation where she had gone out with Alex at night and ended up making out with a boy on a beach. She jolted away from that boy when his hands worked down to her butt, but she didn't feel afraid like that right now. She was curious, and his hands felt so good in her weakened state and not overwhelming with her nerves slightly dimmed, still heavy with the effects of all the alcohol she had consumed.

She laid her head back on his chest giving a content sigh. "Good night." It wasn't five minutes later when she kissed his neck again. Why she did that she really didn't know. She thought it was a little weird but she was afraid to scoot up enough and separate their bodies enough to kiss him. This felt safer and she felt a little too lazy to move as well, her bones heavy with drunkenness.

He squeezed her butt over her sweats and she felt her hips press down into his. Well, she certainly hadn't meant to do that but it felt ok, like that's what she was supposed to do in this situation. At some point his hand slid beneath her shirt as he continued to roam his hand over her back. He had slipped his arm below her waistband of her sweats before she could protest and gave her butt another squeeze with his calloused parm warm on her skin. She let out a breathy sigh deciding to focus on his hands massaging a surprisingly sore muscle rather than the apprehension twisting in her stomach.

"Kiss me." She breathes as he takes another long grab at her rear, surprised with herself and hiding her face in his neck a little embarrassed. She wanted him to kiss her because she was scared of where this touching would lead and she at least wanted a kiss if this happened. She liked what was happening at this moment. The kissing. The strokes up her back. The firm hand squeezing with just the right amount of pressure on her muscle. But she was absolutely terrified of where this was probably going to lead and she couldn't just stop it…she felt too guilty... and she really didn't know how. He would be mad wouldn't he? Hadn't she started it by kissing his neck like that?

She hoped kissing him again would distract her, turn her mind off for a second.

She was 24, and it was probably time she stopped holding onto her virginity for the man she would come to love and hopefully marry. Grow up, Kara. Mates don't exist on this planet. Give it up.

She felt so conflicted by that. She wanted so badly to be able to give that to someone special. She wished to Rao that she was still on Krypton so she could find her mate, but she had to move on. That ship had sailed… or rather sunk… or blown up. Okaaaay, Kara, so not the place for that head-space right now.

She also knew how messy sex had been emotionally for her friends and she wanted to avoid that situation all together. It was intimate and it was beautiful and she knew he would deserve that. She knew the right guy would take care of her and calm her fears and still love her regardless. But she also felt like it was a little bit contrary to all of her other "power to the girls" beliefs and practices but hey, it's how she felt. She thought Lucy was awesome for being comfortable with herself enough to enjoy herself like she did. Kara just knew that something like that wasn't for her.

He muttered "ok" in response to her request and easily maneuvered her to switch how they are lying to press a much more passionate kiss than she had ever experienced to her mouth. She couldn't help but wonder how he got her where he wanted her so quickly. She didn't know how he did that but he just guided her back against the couch like she was a puppet or something.

His lips were wet on hers but not in a bad way. She'd had much worse. Kara had never really liked kissing…not even a little bit actually. She wanted to though, she really really did.

Her first kiss was in 7th grade. One of Alex's friends, a sophomore, had cornered her at a beach house an it was sloppy and tasted like beef jerky and made her skin crawl when he tried for more. Thank Rao Alex's friend Peter had come by and pulled his buddy away.

Her second kiss was an awkward and totally unwanted - again - peck at the water fountain after a football game her sophomore year. This time she pulled away and gently told John that she didn't feel that way about him. She felt bad really, he was sweet. When John had tried for a second one Kara had literally face palmed him, gave him a hug and scurried away. Alex had seen that one and didn't stop laughing for two whole weeks, imitating something called the heisman almost every time she saw Kara until Eliza made her stop.

Her third was sloppy and drunk - on the beach with that boy the last night of vacation for her senior year spring break. Really gross actually. She had gone for it - dove as Cat would say - but it was just not good. Alex liked to tease her about that one too. Poor kid had probably broken his nose...

Her fourth was sweet but a little weird… it was Win after all. She wanted to be into it. She loved Win but not like that. At least she didn't break his nose...

Her fifth kiss was… well it was this, so to say she was a little inexperienced would be an absurd understatement. She liked this though. His mouth was hot, his lips smooth from what she could feel on her tingling lips. It tasted a little like honey from the bourbon he had been drinking but her tongue was a little numb to really be sure. She let him take the lead as they rolled a little to the side. She didn't know what to do with her hands. She never did.

Alex told her that she thought too much when she asked what to do about kissing Landon so Kara just let her hands move up and down Nick's ribs. She soon brought it to rest on his bare pec before eventually letting it travel up to run through his short hair.

She always liked the high and tight… oh yeah… Nick was in the army too, like Lucy and Landon. She found something about that attractive. Not that she was attracted to Lucy… but Kara had a "hero" streak in her obviously and Landon and Nick understood that a little bit at least.

Her attention is called back to the kiss as he grabs at her butt again under her underwear. Her stomach flutters with nervousness. She wants to stop. To go no further than this. She knows she should. She's more intoxicated than she should be and she just met this guy, Nick. Her mind is screaming at her to figure a way out of this but she lets it continue. Partially because she has no idea what an "out" would even be and partially because the relaxed, intoxicated side of her unsure as to what someone else's hands feel like besides her own. Curious if she could actually orgasm. She stopped before she did when she had tried it out herself, more often than she was really ok with admitting, feeling too overwhelmed and a little bit ashamed.

His hands slid up into her shirt giving her breast a rough squeeze under her bra. It's so opposite of everything up to this point. It was hard and startling when everything else was smoothe and grounding. When she arches into the touch, mostly out of surprise and partially to lessing the pulling sensation, he takes that as permission and un-clips her bra before she really knows what's going on. He squeezes her again and she's more than a little disappointed and concerned - it doesn't feel good. Like at all.

It actually hurts as he squeezes too hard or not in the right way or if she is too dry as it feels prickly and almost painful. Can your boobs even be too dry? That makes no sense. She doesn't say anything though. Maybe it'll get better? Maybe it's just her. Maybe he will stop. He does after one, two, three more squeezes and trails his hand down her stomach to the top of her waistband. She stills, going completely rigid (rather than just tense) his arms from where she had been letting her own hand roam looking for somewhere to stop. She just kept it in his hair though because that seemed safe enough.

Kara squeezes her eyes shut and triest to talk herself into relaxing. This is normal, Kara, You are 24. Let it happen - no Kara it's not worth it. Wait like you really want to. - no Kara, this is pathetic. Quit being such a little baby. - Kara just tell him to stop you don't want this.

Her mind is halted as his fingers dig into her down there. They press into her entrance and slam as deeply as he could drive them. She doesn't know how many he had used but it had certainly hurt. She lets out a surprised but also pained squeak. She hoped it wasn't mistaken for a cry of pleasure, that he would ease up. Tell him. Just tell him it hurts. Tell him to stop. He must get bored or maybe she wasn't ready enough, she really didn't know. She just knew that that pain at least stopped.

He moves to rub that bundle of nerves now, at least that's what she thinks is happening. That is what she read is supposed to happen. But it felt wrong too. It didn't feel like when she tried on her own. That at least felt pleasurable. This... this was not that.

Every little movement of his fingers against the nerves was just enough of a glimpse of that pleasure she thought it was supposed to feel like it gave her some hope that maybe, this might be ok. It wasn't enough though and she spread her legs letting one loop around his hip to give him more room because then maybe it'd feel less like he was punching her and pulling at her skin too roughly and more like he was trying to make her feel good.

But it hurt, just like it hurt when he had tried to grab her breast. It was way too hard and way too fast and she needed it to stop. Why can't you just say "stop." It's easy! Just say it! STOP! Instead she gets a novel idea and decides to try to distract him. She put her hand on the hem of his shorts and whispered into his ear. "Is this ok?" She asks softly fighting everything in her telling her not to do this.

You can say that and can't tell him to stop? Kara, just do it. You can do it. He's a nice guy. He will listen. Tell him if he has to do this to be gentle. Tell him to make love to you not… Tell him you're not ready. Not for any of it. Tell him not tonight. But she can't. She isn't thinking clearly and all the wrong words come out of her mouth. "I've never done this before. Is this ok?"

"More than ok." He told her so, ready or not - mores so not - she slipped her hand into his boxers. The skin was hot, hotter than she expected, and very smooth, soft to the touch. She took him into her hand wrapping around it and experimentally stroking it like the motions she always saw guys joking about. He let out a breathy moan into her mouth as he leaned up to press their mouths together trying to be quiet, mindful of the others in the apartment.

She kept asking him if it was ok. Checking in for some reason. She could tell he was ok. He chuckled every-time she asked and kissed her forehead or cupped her cheek and would kiss her deeper. She felt like she had to though. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want him to be feeling like she was. She certainly wasn't ok. Though she's not sure if he did ask if she was ok if she would have told him the truth. So she checked in. She really didn't mean too, the words just kind of fell out of her lips like she didn't know what else to say. Mostly she didn't... besides one other 4-letter word. Stop.

The DEO, Rao love them, was a government agency vaguely under the department of defence but also not really, and thus had to do lots of sexual harassment/assault/abuse training. Kara knew all about asking for consent. It helped her get past her apprehension to reach into the man's boxers to get his hands out of her pants after all. She just wished he'd be more gentle or maybe that he would have asked first. Yeah, probably should have asked.

A few strokes in and she not only had distracted him enough for him to stop touching her and to make her feel like she wasn't somehow breaking in his hands. Though his hands had taken up a new part of her body... he had pushed on her head and guided her down to his crotch. Again moving her like a puppet, just like he wanted to. She really didn't know how he was doing that. It was confusing and she really couldn't wrap her still very fuzzy mind around it.

"Please" he said as he shoved her head into his crotch his… his um… his yeah free and against the side of her cheek. Kara didn't know when his pants had come down either but she was thankful it was dark enough she couldn't see it. She complied and took him into her mouth. Still using her hand because she really didn't know what she was doing but that felt like a way to control how deep he went into her mouth. She really didn't want to gag. No, nonono.

He didn't taste like anything really but he was hairless and smoother than she had expected. It wasn't as bad as she had always felt it would be. She remembered that first kiss and how that boy mentioned it and she wanted to throw up at just the thought. This wasn't as bad as thinking about that. He seemed to be enjoying it as he gripped the hair just below her messy bun, so she stayed sucking and rubbing and felt her face flush when she could her the slurping noises she was making. I can't believe you are doing this.- It's not so bad. Still a little gross though. At least he is liking it.- At least he stopped. His hips started to jump a little with each motion down his shaft she made so she thought she must be doing ok. But the more frantic his movements the more she became nervous.

Is he going to cum in my mouth? She wasn't ready for that. It grossed her out. But not as much as the idea of him losing it on her face or any where else to make a mess. The more she thought about it as the continued to suck tasting a new fluid over his head the more she thought swallowing was the lesser of two evils. She must have slowed down as she got caught in her thoughts because he grabbed her cheek so she could look up at him despite her mouth being full. "How does his end?"

"Huh" she asks with him still in her mouth, sucking because that's what she thought he wanted. Stupid Kara you were just freaking out about how it ended. Just tell him you don't want… "um…" she couldn't bring herself to say it. She just shook her head finding his eyes trying to say an apology with a look and knowing she failed. He must understand what she didn't even know she was trying to say herself because he stands up, leaving her kneeling on the floor next to the couch.

"I'm going to go take care of this. I'll be right back."

"I'm sorry." She drops her head and feels so deeply embarrassed. Both at what she'd just done and that she was too immature to continue or to even see it through. But also thankful he was taking care of it in the bathroom.

"Don't be." He said but she felt like he didn't really mean it. She puts her bra in her backpack from where it had landed on the floor so she doesn't forget it in the morning - more so that Erin or someone else doesn't find it then anything - and he returns quietly laying back down. Kara climbed back on top of him fairly quickly.

"Was that ok?" she asks concerned one hand tucking under his warm body the other resting up near where her head rested on his chest. Glad whatever that was… was over now, but also a little disappointed that it didn't feel good… that she couldn't just be a normal 20-something year old and enjoy it.

During their little round of messing around she must have told him out loud that she'd never done this before what felt like 50 times. He seemed to be getting annoyed. She doesn't know what she said but he responded "don't worry, that's not happening tonight" or something along those lines multiple times. She really couldn't recall what that had been in response too but she remembers hearing it many many times.

He must have meant sex. Penetration. Full on intercourse. He must've. But Kara doesn't know why he felt the need to say that, even the first time. She remembered feeling relaxed at his reassurance. She didn't want that to happen tonight. Not even a little bit. The only thing she was even a little bit ok with was some friction on that part she found her own hands drift too some nights before she fell asleep.

Then again maybe she had asked him not to go as far as he was. Maybe she had said it out loud. Even though she doesn't remember doing that, not even once, it made sense if he kept telling her "it's not happening tonight." But then he kept going a step further and further and it still hurt and she still didn't want what was happening.

"Yeah, it was good." He mumbles into the eerily quiet apartment, not even their old refrigerator was humming. His arm wraps back around her getting back to where she was so comfortable what couldn't have been more than 15 minutes ago but also felt like about a lifetime.

Because now she was one of those girls… one of those girls who had put that in her mouth… who had given a man a blow job.

Not that it mattered. At all really. She never cared what other women had done, that was their business. It never made her think less of them. She respected it actually… but she… she felt incredibly dirty and a little ashamed. And gross she had put that in her mouth… but it also didn't feel all that gross at the same time… but it certainly wasn't something she was ready for. God I'm too drunk to try to figure this out right now.

"Ok." Kara was shaking now and she couldn't stop. She felt wrong but she still wanted to cuddle. She really wanted some comfort. She couldn't just fly right now - stupid solarflare - and go curl up with Alex. But she didn't want to interrupt her and Maggie probably doing similar things - EW. But she also had the mind to know that what her sister and her fiance had wasn't similar to her current situation at all. Besides, she couldn't drink and fly anyway. You can't even fly, dummy. Solarflare. Remember.

She also just wanted to fall asleep. His body heat felt so good below her. Warm and calming and her head tucked just right into his shoulder and his heartbeat and the rise and fall of his chest… She had been so lonely recently and this was something she had literally dreamed about. Well not this but cuddling someone like this. Fitting in someone's arms like this. She slept with pillows at her back to mimic it some nights she felt especially restless. She just wanted to be held. God she loved to be held.

"Are you cold?" He wrapped his arms around her tighter rubbing his hands up and down her arms to warm a chill that didn't exist.

It was then she realized she was shaking, quivering, and incredibly tense against him. "No." Now that she has become aware of it the spasms in her muscles worsen as she shakes against his warm body, his arms wrapping around her to try to 'warm her up'.

"You're shaking." Well, yeah, I see that now… She was still feeling a bit weird from the alcohol though… maybe that was it.

"Sorry." He only held her close to his chest and pulled another blanket over top of them in attempt to comfort something Kara knew he couldn't. That wasn't his fault.

"It's ok." She remembers rambling for a little bit after that, mumbling into his chest - about what though she didn't remember really at all. He had shushed her though and rubbed her back soothing her to sleep though she was still shaking. Kara wakes up feeling more comfortable then she thought she would, a lot more comfortable, content even. She couldn't wait to do this with her husband some day if she ever even got to have one - the cape made that a little difficult and then there was the whole alien, kryptonian, lack of a mate thing.. She looks up from where her head rests on her chest to see him looking down at her still stroking her back. "Hey, go back to sleep."

"Are you comfortable?" She mumbles again wiggling ever closer to his warmth.

"Yes," he laughs lightheartedly at the sleepy question "I'm fine, I just don't sleep much." he admits. Nick mumbles on about his coming deployment and how he wants to make a difference. Help people even if that meant giving up himself. Kara could appreciate that. She doesn't remember her words but she remembers wishing she could tell him that she understood that probably even more than he did and that it was ok.

She doesn't remember how it started again but they - mostly him - pretty much only him - were back to roaming hands. Fairly soon he reached into her pants again below her underwear and started rubbing through the sensitive skin. Kara only now had half the mind to wish she would have shaved that morning, maybe then it'd have been better. It was slightly softer this time but still didn't feel much better. That only stayed that way for a few fleeting seconds before his fingers stung as they entered her. No way is he only using one finger.

She puts her legs wider for him in hope that it would ease the discomfort. It isn't long before he somehow maneuvers her so she is on her back now. Her hips open to him as his hand is buried between her legs rubbing and entering her roughly for what felt like less than 45 seconds. Time felt all weird and jumbled - like this was lasting forever and would never end, and then before she knew it he had moved on to the next thing.

Kara is still in her sweats but is no longer in her underwear... she doesn't really remember how he had managed to get rid of those without taking her pants off. Slowly she started to be a little bit ok with his rough hands. It hurt but if she closed her eyes and tried to focus on the small jolts of something that vaguely resembled pleasure that would happen occasionally it wasn't so bad.

She decided though that she didn't really want those pleasures from his hand. She wanted to stop this. To wait. She wasn't ready. Not even a little.

He was still squeezing her breast with painful force too. That didn't last long either though and suddenly his hand has worked its way up and was squeezing her neck now. Her eyes flashed open and she wheezed as his hand closed tight around her throat. When she wheezed he looked up at her hungrily and took it for a noise of pleasure. "You like that?" His voice dropped and she went wide eyed as it possessed a quality she couldn't name but made her need to never stop taking a shower ever, but also not take her clothes off again either.

"No. No! I can't breathe." She gasps out. You're scaring me. Stop. No this feels wrong. She wanted to say. But she didn't.

He just moved his hand back to her breast and acts like nothing happened. That still didn't feel great but at least she could breathe. Kara was getting a more apprehensive again trying to be as still as possible so it wasn't so painful. She could feel herself shaking. He mentioned it again, telling her to stop. Like I have any control over that. Something's wrong. She thought deep in her mind but the louder thoughts slipped past her lips - "I'm trying. I'm sorry."

He doesn't respond at all. Maybe that's a good thing. She doesn't know why she hasn't stopped him yet. She really wasn't curious at all anymore and this felt awful… but not as awful as she felt for leading him to think this was what she wanted and not saying anything to stop it. She must have done something to make him think she wanted this… right? It really hurt, she knew first times were usually painful but these were his fingers… these were just his hands on her in what was supposed to be the good part… at least she thought it was.

Somehow Kara finds herself on her side with him at her back, maneuvered again with such a swiftness she really doesn't notice at all, just feels her limbs comply to where he moves her. She just lets him place her where he wants her, her mind too cloudy to really realize what he is doing until it is done and then at that point she goes with it because she didn't stop it so could she really? What, no… Kara don't let him just move you. - Too late. - What the hell are you doing?

She can feel him hard against her rear through the material of her sweats. His hand still pressing too hard between her legs but still she holds her legs open because it hurt less that way. She shouldn't be doing that. She knew she shouldn't as that was basically telling him she was into it… but she can't bring herself to say anything. Not a damn word.

He slips her pants below her hips before she knows what is happening.

When she feels his hand behind her butt, hopeful that maybe this new angle wouldn't hurt so bad. Knowing he wasn't finished when he had guided her sweats so the waistband was just low enough to give him access.

She stills when something that feels different presses into her. She knew it had only been about 3 seconds since he had put her on her side but time slowed as soon as she felt that.

The thing feels smooth against her butt as he adjusts it to rest at her entrance. Without warning it is pressed to her with the guidance of his hand. And there was nothing she could think to do. Nothing at all.

Oh… I guess that's happening tonight. - No! Tell him to stop. You don't want this. You want to wait. - Too late now. - IT HURTS. STOP. - At least go slower. PLEASE.

She gasps, goes completely rigid for a moment before jerking away. It hurts. It really hurts. Tears come to her eyes. If his fingers hurt this was so so much worse.

She felt like she was being torn open.

A little bit like when she had tried out a tampon, the small one, and had to remove it while it was still dry in some kind of misguided curiosity of what the human girls did when she had first arrived. She had asked Alex about it, her sister explained then, and Kara was very grateful that she didn't have to bleed for a whole week every month. That seemed miserable. She knew it made Alex miserable.

This though, what was happening right now, this was miserable.

She thinks she told him that it hurt, or that she at least muttered "ow" when she jerked away. She can't remember if she told him to slow down or not. That doesn't make sense though… if she can tell him to slow down she certainly could have told him to stop. She must not have. Had she?

He pumped into her from behind, grabbing her hip with his hand, holding her waist too tight. His other arm finds a way between her side and the couch, wrapping up and around to hold her waist. She tries to think that it's comforting, him trying to hold her, while she shakes and she thinks she might be whimpering, she's really not sure. All she can really focus on is how much it hurts.

She knew it was supposed to hurt, that's what all the websites say, but she didn't think it was going to be this bad. Kara liked to think she had a pretty high pain tolerance, even without her powers. She had broken her arm, she had cracked ribs, smashed knuckles… and none of that compared to this.

Three or four pumps in after she finally registered what was actually happening she was trying to get away. She thinks that maybe he thought her moving was her trying to move with him so she didn't say anything. It wasn't his fault. It was just painful and she wanted it to stop so badly. So badly.

The extra space she created though causes him to slip - or at least Kara hoped he slipped - and he bottoms out in her ass. She lets out a yelp as her eyes snap open from where she had them squeezed shut. Her bottom lip she hadn't realized was pinched hard between her teeth is released and iron flavors her tongue as she opens her mouth suddenly finding it very hard to pull air into her lungs. The tears she felt stinging the corners of her eyes are dampening her cheeks now.

Kara jerks away to get off the couch, her hand jumps down to grab his forearm where he had a hold on her hips she tries to use it as leverage to separate them. She squeezes, feeling his muscles moving below her hand as he holds her not letting her get away. She had really hoped grabbing him would tell him to stop. She didn't know why her mouth wasn't working or why her brain wouldn't even give her words to say. But this time she had actually moved, like legs trying to get to the floor or her trying to roll off the couch. Anything to make it stop.

Well, except telling him to apparently.

He goes back to the right hole when he pulls out and pounds into her a handful of times more but it was too much. It hurt worse than she could have imagined. She wasn't ready for that, not at all. But there was no taking it back now.

What's done is done.

Eventually he stills and holds her for a minute or so. She remembers him hugging her tight to his chest, sliding her pants up for her. She's thankful for that, that she wasn't completely exposed. They turned to go back to their original position of her resting on top of him, or do they stay spooning like they were? She really can't remember. She thinks they might doze off again but she isn't sure because she is on her back what feels like too soon and he is getting up.

"Go back to sleep." He kisses her forehead softly as he brushes a hand back over her hair. That was really sweet of him. She was always a sucker for those.

"Where are you going?" Kara looks at the clock 5:30 sitting up on her elbows. He was obviously still tipsy as he stumbled around in the dark apartment and should not be driving but she's still in too much shock trying to figure out what just happened to say anything about that.

"I gotta go." He says with zero explanation he slides a t-shirt on and kisses her lips softly again caressing her cheek with such care. "Kick ass at CatCo" and with that he is gone and Kara lets her eyes close pulling her into a sleep, tucked in quilts he had stacked on her when she hadn't quit shaking.

When she wakes up her head is pounding but she's so cozy under the many blankets Nick had tucked around her like a burrito. She groans as her bladder forces her to exit her little cocoon. As she shifts to sit before standing she realizes her lower half is incredibly sore and memories of her activities pop into her mind. So… I guess that happened. She wants to be upset about it, deep down she knows she is… like really really upset about it. The nonchalant attitude about it poking through as a cover for the time being though. She needs to be ok right now. The others will be up soon… She can think about it later.

When she wipes she notices blood on the toilet paper. She knows she doesn't get periods so it must be from last night… her butt really hurts. Like bad. She really isn't sure how she'll be able to sit down comfortably for a while. Now would be a really great time to get my super-healing back.

When she lays back down, careful of her sore body, she tucks back under all those blankets and falls back asleep. A couple of hours later its 9:00 and she's being woken up by the smell of coffee. Her stomach lurches but she manages to keep from vomiting, the effects of her hangover in full effect.

Erin, looking no better than Kara felt, walks over to the couch with an extra mug and hands the blonde a much needed cup of coffee. It doesn't help much and Kara can't really stomach it but the sentiment of it, as the two sit quietly on the couch groaning about their hatred of alcohol, means a lot. Kara puts her coffee on the table and lays back down using her old friend's lap as a pillow listening to Erin and Jake as they continue grumble about the hangover.

They take a slow morning, Kara doesn't get out of there as soon as she planed too. She really was never drinking again. She'd never felt to terrible… and clearly she lacked any sense of decision making ability as well. She settles to stay for a little while after some pleading and eyelash-batting from her good friend, getting greasy pizza for lunch as they watch the National City - Metropolis football game on the television.

The effects of the hangover mostly cured by the greasy pizza. We really should have gotten that sooner. At halftime she says her goodbyes with promises to be better about staying in touch. They both pretty much know that won't happen, not for lack of wanting too though, that's just how things go. Kara really sucks at texting. She sinks into Erin's hug for a long minute and with that Kara starts her drive back to National city.

Sitting in her car at the gas-station waiting for the fuel to pump her phone buzzes against the dashboard.

Lucy: you send it?

Oh, did I… great now Lucy knows.

Kara: never let me send it again. I'm really sore, Luce

Lucy: that good? That bad?

A sick feeling works its way into Kara's stomach. The blonde knows the new and sudden uneasy feeling has nothing to do with the previous night's consumption of alcohol.

Kara: I don't know. I have nothing to compare it too.

Bad, Luce, it was really bad. It felt terrible. Is that normal? Is it supposed to be like that?

Lucy: that was your first time?

Kara: yes

The pump clicks off as her car is now ready to go. Kara tosses her phone back to the place on the dash and slides out of the car to take care of the hose. When she gets out though she feels like every eye at the gas station is looking right at her and they know. They know she got drunk and did something she shouldn't have. They know she was so… so disappointed in herself for letting that happen and they were disappointed too. She feels nearly overwhelmed with panic at the palpable judgment in the air until she takes deep breaths reminding herself that no one possibly could know.

She looks just like the day before, maybe slightly more disheveled and a little bit hungover but they couldn't tell she was no longer pure, tainted in some way. She knew she wasn't but that's what it felt like. She also knew her mind was playing tricks on her… but that didn't make it much easier to calm down. She got back into the driver's seat, grabbed her phone and keys off the dash and started on her way back to National City. Far away from that place where the people knew, only to find out that it felt like each car she passed, or passed her, knew too.

Her phone vibrates on her thigh as she pulls up to a light. Kara know's it's another text from Lucy and she strongly considers tossing her phone into the back seat to ignore completely for the remainder of her life. She doesn't really want to talk about it but something inside her is also screaming at her to talk about it.

The more she thinks about the night before the more the throbbing deep in her rectum worsens. It's raw and tight with no hope of finding any relief any time soon. It feels crampy as it presses at the forefront of her concerns. As does the tenderness of her crotch amplified by the pressure placed on it by the way she is sitting in the driver's seat. The discomfort below her belt isn't enough to make her cry on it's own but it compounded with what brought it about is enough to start the stinging at the end of her nose and a dampness over her bottom eyelids.

She knew Lucy could probably help but what if she judged? Kara didn't want to lose a friend. To have Lucy look at her differently. This was so embarrassing. What the hell had she done?

Lucy: Kara, are you ok?

No. Lucy I'm scared and it hurts and I didn't want this. It's not supposed to be like this. Why is it like this?

Kara: yeah. I think I'm ok. I don't know. I don't really want to think about it

Lucy: talking about it might help. I'm here for you babe, whatever you need. I was really sore after my first time too. Hot baths helped, or a hot shower. Also advil.

Lucy: have you talked to Alex

Kara: no. I'm driving back now

Kara waits another 30 minutes before she types one handed as she drives, trying to convince herself that she's not distracted from the road as her car veers a little into the rumble strips. Though her phone isn't the only thing stealing her attention, she doesn't even remember the bulk of the drive. It's almost like she'd teleport-ed to this point in her trip. How had 40 minutes gone by already?

Kara: I don't know what I would even say.

Lucy: Kara, I know you, and Alex knows you even better. Something's off. I'm here if you want me to be but I think you should talk to Alex too.

Kara: she'll be so disappointed..l oh god Lucy what did I do

Lucy: no, Kara, no she won't. Breathe, babe, just breathe

Lucy: you're disappointed or regretting it?

Kara doesn't answer for another 45 minutes which is answer enough to confirm Lucy's suspicions. She knew the blonde was driving back but she also knew that Kara was really bad about texting while she drives. It really irritated Lucy to no end but this was important and she knew there was no way the blonde would talk to her with her actual damn voice.

Kara: more in myself. I can't really regret something like that can I? I was drunk.. I made an adult mistake… regretting it does nothing… I just have to move on, forget about it… things happen. I'll never see him again either

Lucy: do you want to?

Kara: no, I'm nowhere near being able to be in a relationship right now with everything going on. I'm too busy and I wouldn't be able to give them what they'd need… no. I'm perfectly good with being single. I'd prefer it really

Lucy: As for the other things, things happen and ur right but i think ur still too busy to think too intensely on it. You didn't give this boy your heart or anything special. You are still a pure person and a badass. IT was a physical act. Like running a half marathon. Something that may alter your body but its momentary. You're still you. It will be painful for a little and sore but your body will recover and when you train your next half marathon the past one will have no effect on the next one and when you run it again it will feel just as hard and just as new as the first one. Trust me. You're still you. Nothing will change. You can't let it.

Kara wants to laugh a little bit at her friends analogy… she had never run a half marathon in her entire life. Also… the whole "sore" thing was a pretty novel concept for the Kryptonian. Also… training for sex seems like it's not a thing… but she is pretty sure Lucy hadn't meant that she should train for the next time… nix that Kara knows Lucy didn't mean it like that… At least she's pretty sure...

However she didn't really know what to say to the youngest Lane. Tears stung her eyes at the words in the text and Kara knew she would be going back to look at those words often to try to comfort herself.

She always liked receiving texts telling her what she needed to hear… that way she could go back and look at them when she needed too instead of needing to go to that person again when she was struggling with something else. It was better for everyone that way. She got the words she needed. She didn't annoy someone with her problems. She didn't have to tell them her new problems. Win - win.

Alex: drive safe sis, love you. Hope you had a good night with your friends

It's then the tears spill down Kara's cheeks. It had been a good night. It had been a really good night … until it wasn't. Kara really didn't want to deal with that right now, not at all. So the blonde turned up the music as loud as she could handle and tried to focus on the road (she failed, her thoughts were only about how big of a screw up she was).

About an hour later when Kara gets back to her apartment she finally texts her sister back. She must type the message out 5 or 6 different times deleting it each time before she finally talks herself into sending it.

Kara: hey, can I ask you an embarrassing personal question?

Alex: always. Do you want me to call? Don't text and drive.

Kara: No, that's ok. And I just got back.

Alex: good, Maggie and I are almost back as well. What's up?

Kara: don't be mad

Alex: I'll decide if I'm mad after you ask.

Crap.

Alex: Talk to me, Kara. What's going on?

Kara: I'm not in trouble or anything like that

Alex: Never thought you were

Alex: Kara. Tell. Me.

Rao, here it goes. Kara really isn't sure why she's texting all of this. It feels a little like word vomit, like she is still missing her filter from the effects of the alcohol, but she's not… She doesn't want to be texting this, it's silly and dumb and Alex really doesn't need to worry about yet another one of her nonproblem-problems. Yet, she finds herself pressing send anyway.

Kara: so last night I kind of slept with this guy and I'm really sore Alex and I don't know what to do

Kind of? How do you kind of sleep with someone one. Pretty sure that's either something that either you do or you don't… stupid.

Alex: first of all are you ok mentally? And were you safe?

Kara: I'm not sure how I am mentally and I know that doesn't make any sense

Some moments she was ok. Then she thought about it. Then she wasn't. Then she talked herself into being ok again. Kinda. So no she probably wasn't ok mentally but it was super confusing. It really shouldn't be though. Her being confused didn't make any sense to Kara. Pick one, Kara. It's not hard.

Safe? Well yeah, I guess. We were at Erin's apartment, I wasn't attacked or anything like that. That seems far fetched.. We were just at her apartment.. On her couch… it wasn't unsafe… weird question sis...

Condom. Dummy. Alex wants to know if he used a condom.

Kara: I don't think he used a condom

Hell, I didn't even know he was going to… there wasn't time for him to have put on a condom.

Alex: that was your first time wasn't it

Kara: yeah

Alex: Oh, sis

It's then the lump forms in Kara's throat. It feels like it's closing off as she swallows past it trying to force it back down where it came from. No. No lumps in the throat. You're fine.

Alex: are you sure you don't need me to call

No, then Maggie will know and she'll just know….. Because she's a detective and "detectives detect, Danvers." Also Kara really isn't sure that she could speak past this colossal lump still sitting in her damn throat. Silly alien, emotions are for humans.

Alex: I don't care what you say I'm coming over when we get back

Kara: you're with Maggie, don't call. I'm ok

There's no point in arguing about Alex coming over though. That was happening weather Kara wanted it to or not. And if she was being honest she really wasn't sure which that was. She needed Alex but also she really didn't want to deal with this or let Alex see her dealing with this. It was silly to even have to deal with this. It was just sex. That's it.

Alex: Maggie won't mind and you literally just said you didn't know if you were or not so don't lie to me. Do you regret it?

I know Maggie won't mind. She'd probably actually be really helpful but I can't deal with that right now.

Kara: I don't know if I want her to know, ok? And a little. But I don't think I can… I don't know Alex. I was ok when I woke up but I've been thinking about it all day…

Don't be that girl, Kara. You don't get to be that girl who regrets having sex and makes people think that it was something it wasn't because you feel guilty. You don't get to do that.

Alex: oh, Kara, she's not going to judge but ok

I know she won't. It's Maggie for God's sake… But Kara can't say that so she just doesn't respond. Instead she chooses to… well she doesn't really choose to do anything… she just sits there. On her couch. Staring at the wall. Doing nothing. Lost in thought. About pretty much nothing at all. But also everything. All at once. Until another vibration from where her phone rests on her coffee table pulls her from her not thought-thoughts.

Kara wipes her hand over her face as she forces herself to take a deep breath. What the hell is going on with you? Snap out of it.

Alex: we're back. I'm coming over. Be there in 30. Take some ibuprofen. If you're still hurting you can sit on an ice pack. We can talk more when I get there

Kara: ok

Alex: I love you, Kara

Kara fights back tears as she reads that text. Damn it, Alex always knew what she needed to hear even if Kara herself didn't. Why'd her sister have to know her so well?

She forces herself to stand from the comfort of her couch, her literal favorite place (safest place) on the planet and does what "Dr. Danvers Jr" prescribes. She really couldn't be more glad that she kept ibuprofen in the house for Alex or whomever might need it. She remembers Alex trying to convince her to buy some you won't need it till you need it - That doesn't make sense - but it does, fine, if not for you keep some for me.

She gets in the shower like Lucy had suggested, just wanting something to make her feel better. Stop the aching between her legs. Make her feel a little less dirty. Showers always helped her feel better, especially hot ones. She loved them. So Kara made sure she turned it up while being mindful that she is still without her powers and it can't be as hot.

The shower feels nice but she still feels dirty when she's done. At least the warm water hid her tears.

Wasting no time she steps into a pair of comfortable sweats a loose bra and a over-sized t-shirt. She really didn't want to feel exposed by her nakedness much longer than she had too. She told herself it was because the air of her apartment was cold on her wet skin without her superpowers to insulate her. She told herself it's just so she could stay warm…

When she's gathering her dirty clothes from the corner she had tossed them in while trying to get into the shower as quickly as possible. It's not until she is pulling her the layers of her pants and underwear apart to make washing easier does she notice fresh looking blood on the crotch of her panties. Breathe Kara, blood is ok. You bleed when you don't have powers. You're fine.

She's still holding them in her hand as Alex enters her apartment, the layout allowing her to catch her sister's eye for a second. Kara quickly looks back at the hamper and shoves the offending clothing into the bin before turning to smile at Alex. She hopes Alex thinks it's real… well it was a little bit. Her big sister has come baring ice cream and pizza. Pizza and ice cream could only be made better if pot stickers were added to the mix, even if Kara wasn't exactly feeling like she had much an appetite at the moment. Her blood always made her just a little bit queasy.

When Kara's greeting of "hey" comes out a little weaker and squeaker then intended she watches as her sister rushes to put the goods on the counter. Kara thinks Alex might have superspeed for a moment because not a second later she envelopes Kara in a hug. Alex's arms are around her shoulders, Kara tucks her nose in the crook of Alex's neck squeezing her sister tight. Alex squeezes back just as hard.

"How are you holding up?" The eldest whispers into the blonde locks tickling her cheek.

"I'm" - Kara's voice cracks, dang it - "I'm ok."

Alex kisses the side of her head knowing for a fact that she was not. And when she says "you're ok" into the crown of Kara's head still hiding in the hollow of her shoulder she means it in a completely different way. "I've got you."

Kara takes a final deep breath in and forces herself to step out of her sister's embrace. Be a big girl Kara. Deflect. "How was your night with Maggie?"

"It was really good," She smiles and lets her hands fall from Kara's torso "but we can talk about that later. Go. Sit. I'll grab some plates and we will talk, ok?"

Kara nods and does what she's told. There's really no trying to get out of it. She doesn't want to but she also wants nothing more. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. The young hero sits in her spot folding her legs as close to her chest as possible ignoring the pull deep in her still very tender core. She pull a blanket over her legs from where it lay over the back of the couch and hugs a pillow over her chest to try to hide a just little bit.

Alex gives her a sympathetic look when she hands the pizza over and plops down across from her on the other side of the couch, catching the split-second a wince on her sister's face as she moved. Shit, she must really be sore. "Kara-"

"I don't need the talk, Alex, I'm 24."

"This isn't a sex talk." Alex shakes her head as she rips a bite from her pizza. Kara always thought it was weird that Alex folded her pizza in half when she ate it... "Besides I think it's a little late for that."

Ouch. Kara bites her lip, her face flushing. Too soon, Al.

Alex watches her little sister carefully as the blonde visibly winces at her words a little more then she had the same expression playing on her face just moments ago. Kara drops her head and immediately the brunette feels too much like she had just kicked a puppy. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok I know you were just teasing." Kara says without much conviction but it's still evident that she's trying to make Alex feel better for putting her foot in her mouth. Besides, Kara thinks to herself, she's not wrong… is she?

"What made you decide to have sex with him?" Alex starts, realizing that her sister hadn't actually said the word sex yet. Or anything really.

Well, I guess we are just jumping right on in there then. Grreeeeaat. Kara shrugs as she moves to answer putting her pizza down on the coffee table and hugging her legs even closer. "I didn't. It kind of just... happened? I don't know. We were drinking. At the end of the night we laid down to sleep on Erin's couch. We decided to share because sleeping on the floor sucks and I really don't mind cuddling."

Alex holds a snort at that. Kara loved cuddling. "We had been flirting and talking all night and I was fine with that. He looked comfy and he was so sweet." Alex listens to her ramble for a moment before she raises her eyebrows prompting Kara to continue without spooking her into silence. "Aaanyyy-wayyyyy...He kissed me goodnight. That turned into making out and one thing lead to another." Kara gestures in circles with her hands to fill in what she doesn't really feel like saying out loud.

Kara, there are a lot of steps in-between making out and full on sex… "Was it 100% consensual?" It strikes Alex that the young woman had told her that she didn't decide on anything. Kara wasn't that kind of person. As confused and conflicted as she could get sometimes Kara always made a decision even when she didn't know. And sex didn't just happen. Alex was well aware of that, probably more than anyone should be. Decisions were always made, so for Kara to say she hadn't decided set off more than a few redflags for the agent.

"Yes." Kara answers too quickly, she answered before the question is even all the way out of the redhead's mouth. Alex looks at her very very concerned, a sick feeling gets trapped in her stomach and she knows… knows it probably wasn't. Something just doesn't smell right. She knew her sister and she knew that even drunk, it was unlikely that Kara would have wanted to have sex. Even with her questions and even with her loneliness. "Yes?"

And there it is… Alex thinks, because if it wasn't clear before it's plenty clear now: Kara really hadn't thought about that at all. She hadn't even considered it a possibility. "I think it was at least." Kara's face goes blank as she thinks about what happened. "I kissed him back. I didn't tell him to stop it. I didn't say no." Oh, Kara… "He didn't know…"

"He didn't know what, Kara?" Alex watches as her sister swallows hard and clenches her jaw. She is suddenly incapable of keeping any kind of eye contact or even looking at any part of her older sister. Fuck, Kara, what happened… The blue eyes usually so bright and brave glass over and grow wide, she looks a little too close to a deer in the headlights for Alex's taste. A little too close to panic. Alex shifts closer to her sister on the couch and covers Kara's toes with her own, offering a small touch that she could easily pull away from if she needed too. "Hey, hey. Kar, it's ok. Can you tell me what happened?"

"We fell asleep after um... fooling around... for a bit then both woke up and started messing around again. That's when it happened. I think I fell back asleep for a bit then he had to leave. He woke me up to say goodbye and got my number. I just met him last night…"

Alex gives her a look knowing there's more. Needing to know more so she can help Kara process this she drops her head forward a little bit and raises her eyebrows just enough to let Kara know that she can tell her more. That she wants to know more. Whatever this is. "You can tell me more if you want to." Please tell me more. I just want to help. Alex pressed lightly, she knew Kara wanted to talk about it, at least a little bit, to try to figure out what happened… to try to see if that was normal… ask why it hurt so bad... she was just nervous and a little bit too pure hearted to jump right to it. Maybe a little scared too.

"Alex." Kara turns 100 shades of red at even trying to articulate the events of last night. It was hard enough for her to say the word sex let alone describe it. Give the play-by-play if you will. See, she was really worried that it hurt so bad because people always joked about people who liked it rough… that wasn't Kara.. she was just hoping to connect with a man she cared about on a deeper level, to trust them with her in every way… that was not what last night was. Not even close. She didn't want to be a freak. Not like everyone always teased her about "it's always the quiet ones. It's always the ones who seem the most vanilla…" Heck, Kara had even had to ask Alex what being vanilla meant that's how uneducated she was… is.

"Walk me through it Kara, no judgement. I just want to help." She twitches her lip up in a smile making sure Kara sees her soft expression. I promise, sis, there isn't anything that could have happened that I haven't heard or done myself. She watches as Kara fights a quivering lip and scoots closer to the blonde on the couch. Kara extending her legs to drape across her older sister's lap. Alex hugs them close to her as she takes Kara's hand in both of hers. "It's ok." It's going to be ok.

Alex draws her thumb against the back of her little sister's knuckles as Kara starts a recap of what happened stumbling over her words as she struggles to ever talk about anything sexual. Her friends, even Alex, always loved to tease her about it. See who could make her blush most. Kara didn't mind that too much, it never made her too uncomfortable and they always stopped before it went too far, but now it just felt sad and pathetic.

"Ok… yeah.. Um.. so… it's all really fuzzy and blurry. I don't remember everything but he kissed me good night. That turned to a make out. His hands were moving over my back then they were squeezing my butt. Then they were squeezing my butt inside my pants… He had his hands pulling on my boobs too at some point. Then um… then his hands were… his fingers… they… um, were in front. They were… inside… before I knew… so I wanted to distract him and asked him if I could um… you know-"

"Give him a hand job?" Alex gently supplies the words when Kara falters but doesn't press her to say them.

Kara nods shyly, her cheeks flushing even more. "He said yes and his hand stopped… I was relieved… but then he had his hand on my head and all the sudden it was down there. He asked me to… to… um… well he didn't really use words I don't think but um… god this is embarrassing…"

"Suck his dick." Alex kicks herself for a second. Good, hit it right on the head. She has to shrug internally at herself because it was probably best that she did. Besides… how many other ways could she really put it at this point.

"Yeeaah, yeah that. So I did. He stopped me before he… before he finished and he went to um... take care of it in the bathroom. When he came back I fell asleep on his chest after we talked about something for a little while I don't remember what." Alex nods encouraging her to continue. "All I remember him saying when we were… messing around...is that I shouldn't worry and that "it" wasn't going to happen and that I should stop asking if he was ok."

"Did he know you were a virgin?"

Her face grows hot again, well hotter then it had been this entire time. The blonde huffs a breath and whispers in such a small voice… Alex hadn't heard that voice in a long time. Not since she left for college at least. "Does it matter?"

"Kara." The older sister rests her hand on the young woman's knee. Close enough to her hand that Kara could take it if she wanted too. She felt weary about touching her sister now. She didn't want to trigger anything. But Kara had always relished touch. It was as if she were starved of it. She needed it sometimes, especially from Alex.

"Ok, okay." Kara wipes her hands over her thighs gripping the worn cotton bunching up at her knees. "Not before I don't think. But I must have said something for him to say that right?" She wipes her hand over her face. "I kind of remember telling him that I'd never done the um…" Kara waves her hands around trying to convey something with pretty much zero success.

"Oral" Alex fills in once again. How the hell did she have sex if she can't even say oral… what in the world… Alex always thought it was funny how immature Kara was when it came to this stuff. She was so damn squeamish… and it's really kinda more funny because Kara was one of the most mature 24 year-olds she had ever known. Hell she held the weight of at least two worlds on her shoulders and did it with so much grace. She could save lives, punch through walls, throw things into space, fly, and do all kinds of amazing things… but she could not even say the word s-e-x without blushing.

"...thing before... Or the hand thing either but I'm not sure." Kara takes a second to breathe trying to read the agent sitting across the couch from her. It wasn't any use really, Alex had schooled her expression and Kara found that both comforting and concerning at the same time. "So after we woke up, I think I kissed his neck again. I really don't know… but his hands were back on my butt and I was on my back and his hands were in my pants again… He was kissing me though. I at least liked that. His lips were so soft."

"Did you not like the other stuff?" Alex asked gently, pretty sure of the answer already but she needed to hear Kara say it.

"No...It didn't feel good at all. It hurt… All of it hurt… that's why I tried to distract him… I wanted it to feel better… to feel good… but more then that I wanted it to stop... I couldn't tell him to stop… The words… they just wouldn't come out... but um… when I was on my back when we had woken up… He um… he…" Her face drops to stare a hole in the couch through her legs that had made their way back up to her chest. The deep shade of red coloring her face could rival her cape.

"It's ok, Kara. You can tell me. No judgement, remember." Here we go… this is when it happened

"He was choking me…" Did not see that coming, sis. Kara, I'm so sorry. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? Who chokes a virgin… a clearly nervous/distressed virgin... who chokes Kara for god's sake. "I couldn't breathe… I couldn't breathe Alex… He thought I liked it but… I… uh... I don't know why… but when I, um, told him to stop um… he did..So.. I think he would have if I would have stopped the other stuff if I would have just told him too..."

It's then that Alex's heart truly breaks for her sister… fuck, Kara. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. That's not sex, sis. Oh god I'm so sorry. She kept it together though, calling on her training to keep her face schooled for her sister's sake. If she reacted Kara might not continue and she needed too… damn it. "That freaked you out didn't it."

"Yeah. I was scared before but then, I was shaking, he told me to stop doing that a few times, even asked if I was cold. I wasn't, but I couldn't stop shaking… Alex I couldn't breathe… but he stopped so it was ok." No, no, Kara. That is not ok. Not even a little bit. "Then he flipped me around somehow so he was… he was um… behind me. Then…" no, please no. "Then he was inside me before I even knew my pants were down or before I even registered that something besides his fingers were against me… It hurt so bad, Alex. I pulled away from him, flinched really. But he kept going and he must have slipped because he…it… it went in the… um… he got the wrong hole."

Tears were in Kara's eyes at this point and starting to spill over her cheeks. So embarrassed that she had technically done anal, and been choked… And she honestly couldn't believe that she had given a blow job either but hey this was her now…

And Alex… Alex could swear she felt her heart actually breaking in her chest wanting to take all of this away from her little sister. To protect her from all this pain and confusion and whatever damage would come down the road as she dealt (or didn't) with this. She scoots forward on the couch and cups Kara's cheek. Their legs pulled to both their chests as they sit face to face. Her thumb brushing her baby sister's tears away. "Breathe, Kar. I got ya." She wanted desperately to say that it was ok. That it was ok to do anal but this wasn't that and nothing about this was ok.

Kara has to take a moment to remind her lungs how to work correctly, swallowing hard she drops her voice even softer. "I know I yelped at that point. I tried to get away. I think I might have told him to stop at that point but I don't remember. Alex I've never felt so much pain, especially not there… I tried to roll off the couch but he held me there by my hips and his bottom arm below me holding my body down. He… um… fixed it though and went back to the right one… Then it was over after that. He just stopped. I don't know if he… if he finished or not. I don't even know how long it lasted after he.. Uh.. corrected. It stopped though and then I fell back asleep and woke up a little while later when he was leaving. He was really sweet when he left though. Told me to kick ass at CatCo and kissed my forehead."

Alex was fighting back tears for a completely different reason. That asshole - poor choice of words, Alex - had… he had assaulted and pretty much raped Kara... and sweet, innocent, Kara, had no fucking clue. She still thought the guy was sweet and nice. That, that's how it was supposed to be. "Kara… I am so sorry. God I am so, so, sorry that this has happened to you. That's not sex, Kara. It's not."

"What is it then?" She tilts her head to the side, truly not catching on to what Alex was so painfully carefully trying to point out. Trying to figure out how to tell your precious little sister - who literally smiles the rays of the sun and practically shits rainbows even after everything she's been through - that she'd been raped. How the fuck do you tell somebody that?

Oh, sweet, sweet Kara. Oh, sis. "Kara he violated you. You didn't consent to that. That's not… Kara that's not sex."

"But I don't think it was um..." rape or anything like that. She can't bring herself to say the world.

Kara stops talking for a while. She just sits. Knees hugged tight to her chest, trying not to think about how it still feels like she's being ripped open down there. She sits staring down into the worn out couch cushion focusing on a spot just in front of Alex's big doe. She tries to focus on the feeling of Alex's legs against hers. Of her hand resting cautiously on top of Kara's knee. Alex doesn't talk either though as she tries to let Kara process a little bit, tries to let her think about it a little bit.

Eventually the usually so sweet and smooth voice croaks out "It's just something that happened." The emotion swelling in the younger woman's throat making it difficult to get words out. "I didn't stop it. He was drunk too. We both were. He couldn't have known it hurt so bad or that I didn't want to… I didn't say anything." Her sister, the strongest damn person Alex knew, was choking back a sob.

"Oh, Kara." Alex's heart truly breaks then. God damn it. Alex fights with everything she has not to take hold of her sister and pull her into her arms. She couldn't do that anymore. She didn't want to scare her. To make her feel worse. "My heart hurts for you. What can I do?"

"I really… I really need a hug." Kara whispers hardly loud enough to hear as the tears she had been holding back flood over her eyelids with a blink. Now. Now Alex pulls her sister into her arms, the kryptonian always felt so small, so fragile when she curled up into Alex. It never failed to surprise Alex that Kara's long lean frame could feel so breakable. "Please don't tell anybody. I'm so embarrassed." She hides her nose in the bunched up fabric at Alex's chest. She turns her face into the flat of her sister's chest as if she wanted to crawl inside just to be safe.

"Never." She states dropping a kiss to the part of the blonde head that she could reach as she pulls Kara in tighter to her chest. Her arms bracing her and her hands rubbing gently over Kara's arm not tucked into her gut. Though Kara's boney angles always found a way into the most uncomfortable spots, Alex never minded. Not even a little bit. This was HER little sister. "Kara there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Not even a little bit."

"Alex it was so bad." She almost blubbers out through another sob. Her fist clutching at Alex's shirt.

"Shhh, Kar. I've got you." She kisses the top of Kara's head again. "I've got you." Alex rocks slightly as they sit curled tight to each other, just like she used to. God, she never thought she'd be thankful for those times she held Kara as she broke for the fact that she knew just how to do it, what to expect. She was plenty thankful that she got to hold Kara and be the one to be there but now she's just glad she knows, for the most part, what Kara needs. Even though it's been years and this is just a little different, she still knows that her sister just needs someone. Kara needs her.

They sit like that a long time, Kara's tears getting caught in Alex's old shirt. Eventually she quiets, the sobs stop. The tears a little while later and Kara, sitting rigid and straining into Alex as she holds her. Alex can breathe again when Kara relaxes into her arms, getting even closer if that was even possible. Kara tilts her her head back to look into Alex's eyes. Those bright blues glowing. It always breaks Alex's heart when they shine that bright… the only thing that gets them glowing like that is tears, sad, sad, tears. Kara adjusts slightly in her oldersiters lap and winces as her rear hits Alex's leg. Pretending she doesn't catch it, Alex reaches down and tucks a peice of the wavy blonde hair behind her sister's ear leaving her hand to hold the side of Kar's face as she speaks softly. "Kara, are you still sore?"

Pink flushes the Kryptonians cheeks but she doesn't look away from where their eyes hold each other's, each sister trying to take in what the other is thinking. Eventually though Kara gulps a little bit and nods into Alex's chest. "Yes."

"It's ok." She soothes dropping her head back against the couch as she considers the ceiling while Kara rests her nose in Alex's stomach, sinking down so her head is in her sister's lap. Alex's hands habitually start running through her still damp hair. "So your powers are still gone?"

"Yes." The blonde mumbles as she turns on her side, nose still buried in her sister's tshirt, legs getting tucked so she's a little ball. With one arm Alex drapes the blanket kept on the top of the couch over her as she continues to stroke Kara's hair with the other.

"Did you bleed?" Silence is the answer though she thinks she feels the wiggle of Kara's head on the tops of her thighs in a nod. Alex needs a real answer though as much as she wanted to let Kara just cuddle into her. As long as she needed. "Kara it's ok if you did. Just tell me so I can make sure you're alright." Physically, at least.

"There was still blood when I got in the shower."

Fuck… why'd she have to get in the shower. She thinks, realizing now that Kara's hair had been wet the entire time she'd been over. Cuddling a freshly showered Kara isn't anything new for Alex, it's just this time she'd wishes she would have put two and two together a little sooner. I hadn't even thought of that… Alex kicks herself because she definitely should have thought of that, but she also knows that there was no way she could have known that Kara hadn't actually had sex…

Alex must take too long to respond because Kara is sitting up and turning to look at her carefully. "Alex, what is it?"

"You're ok." She comforts the panic from Kara's face almost immediately. Her arms open again as Kara leans into her, resting her head on Alex's shoulder. "But I think we should go in to the DEO and get you checked out. I'm not worried about anything I just want to make sure you're ok an I really think that it would be smart, ok?"

"Would it be you um…" She vaguely motions down to her waste. She really didn't want Alex poking her head around down there but she didn't want anyone else to do it either.

Alex pulls her in closer to her side, running her hand over Kara's arm not tucked tightly to her ribs. "No, I'd ask Marley Hamilton to do it." She leans away from her little sister for a second to look her in the eye. "Unless you would rather it be me, then I'll do it. Whatever makes you most comfortable, ok?"

"No… no.. um. That's fine." Kara lets her head fall with a slight thud back to Alex's shoulder. If this situation didn't suck so bad Alex would chuckle at how soft her little sister was. Not that she wasn't either. Alex was the softest, especially when it came to Kara. Hell, with Maggie too now. "You really think…." I need to go get checked out?

"I do."

"Ok." Kara tucks into Alex's side making no moves to rush getting in to go through what will be a very invasive exam. Alex lets her through, her arm following Kara's body as she pulls her in close. It's no surprise when Kara mumbles "can we stay here for a little while though" into her chest.

"Sure, Kar. How's 20 minutes sound?" She knows the answer is good when she feels Kara's head trying to nuzzle just a little closer. Alex lets her. God, she'd always let her. Kara wasn't this snugly often but when she was it's because she needed to be held. She needed to feel like there was someone still out there.

Alex lets the powerless hero doze off for a little while in her arms. Sinically she want's Kara to sleep now that she can because she's afraid for a near future when sleep is just a little harder to come by for her little sister. She pulls her phone out carefully and types a couple quick messages, the only sound in the apartment is Kara's soft snores and the tap of her fingers against her phone.

Maggie: Hope everything's ok. Give little danvers a hug for me

Danvers 3: I'm going to take her in to the DEO for a little bit to get looked at. I might be sleeping over here tonight. Sorry babe

Maggie: Don't be sorry. Do whatever she needs. Text me when you guys finish up and I'll bring some food over, ok?

Maggie: Love you both, hang in there big sis

Danvers 3: Love you too

God, how did I get so lucky. Maggy is literally a saint and an angle and every other good heavenly thing wrapped all into one. Alex's heart swells just a little when she thinks about how lucky she is to get to marry that women.

Alex: Hey, are you in today?

Marley: Yeah, just running some research. What's up? Our favorite alien doing ok?

Alex: Can I bring her in? I'll fill you in when we get there. How long are you there for?

Marley: Absolutely. I'm not doing anything today so I'll be here a while probably.

Alex looks down at Kara sleeping softly not wanting to have to wake her up, let alone take her in to do this exam. It's her little sister, damn it. Her little fucking sister. God damn it.

Alex: Thanks, Mar. See you soon.

Damn it.