Eros in Want of Psyche
What is Love? Is it a feeling, a passion, a god? Is it something to be shared or something to be given? Have I ever really met with it?
Oh, this must sound ironic, since I definitely did meet with Him. He is thought to be Love, is he not? He is worshipped as such.
He came to me in the dead of night. He loved me in the profound darkness of it. Yet, what we shared had an incomplete tenor about it.
I'd been scared that first night. Petrified really. Left alone on a barren mountain peak to the mercy of an unknown monster. A tribute offered to quench the anger of Aphrodite, whom I had unwillingly offended.
Carried off by the cold wind into the castle were I was left in a dark room, left to expect the worst. How was I to know that I was not going to be the bride of the terrifying monster the Oracle predicted? I knew only my dread and loneliness.
A shadow teased my tired eyes. A muffled sound confused my ears. A delightful smell caressed my nostrils. Something neared the bed were I lay curled up into an anxious ball. Something touched my sweaty trembling body.
I never saw Him. But I knew He was no monster. He did not feel, smell, taste or sound like one. He felt like silk and smelled and tasted like I imagine ambrosia would. I did not hear his voice until our third night together.
He came to love me as he had the two nights preceding it. But I did not let him that time. Not right away. I grew wary of being loved by a complete stranger. I demanded to know his name and what he intended by me.
-You wish to know my name, dear one? - The richest, fullest most delicious voice I had ever heard whispered close to my ear. I shivered a little and began to suspect that such a voice and such a smell and such a taste could belong to no mortal man.
-Why? - He inquired. I was glad he could not see my open-mouthed imbecility right then.
-Am I not to know who it is that takes such liberties with me? - I asked in what I hoped were dignified tones.
-You may get to know who it is that loves you so freely. - He said kissing the tip of my nose lightly. I waited for him to continue. I waited for a name. But none came.
Time passed and I spent my days playing in my lovely castle and my nights in my new husband's company. I still wanted to know his name.
-Am I not enough for you for the time being, Psyche, my love? - He asked when I kept insisting on it night after night.
-See? You know me, but I know you not. Not your name, not your face. - I complained.
-But you know everything else. You know my body and my love. That is all that matters. – He replied, kissing my furrowed brow.
But I was not satisfied. I could not be. How was I to feel affection for an unknown character? How was I to cherish a mysterious name? I lived an unfinished marriage, an unfinished love.
-Who are you? - I asked for the umpteenth time, about six months after we were first married. I lay in His arms with my head resting on His chest. He sighed almost in exasperation.
-Really Psyche, when will you stop these questions? You know me. You know who I am.
-Not entirely.
-How can a name be so important? I could give you a fake one and you'd be satisfied then.
-This isn't about a name. This is about character.
-Character? Whatever do you mean?-
-I mean who you are beneath your body. Your body I know. I know scarcely much else.
-But does it signify?
-Of course it does. I cannot love you like this and I want to love you. – I said reaching my hand up to his yet unseen face and caressing his cheek.
-Cannot love me? Silly girl! We love with our bodies. You've known my love and I've known yours.
I kept quiet. After all, how could I know what love was?
-What are you looking for, my beautiful confused Psyche? - He wondered stroking my naked arm.
-You. - I answered simply.
-You have me. - He murmured sleepily.
He allowed my sisters to come and see me one day. They delighted in my stunning castle and wondered about my husband. I had to admit that I wondered about him too. I confided my doubts about marital love in them but they had no real sound advice to give me. They were full of superstitious nonsense, going as far as to suggest that my spouse was really the monster the Oracle had predicted for me. They cared nothing for my existential throes. The questions that truly gnawed at my spirit.
I sent them away in bad spirits. But oddly enough their silly advice about my taking a lamp with me to bed stuck in the corners of my mind. Not to see if He was the giant snake they suggested but really only to see Him.
He had forbidden me from it of course. He said it was to be the only rule of our marriage and I'd followed it obediently. But I saw no reason for it. After all, he was all for my knowing his body. Why then could I not see it?
I fought my conscience all day. I walked around the marble halls wringing my hands with a lost gaze. I knew I should not do it. I knew I had a right to do it.
I gave him a "last chance" of sorts that night.
-Will you not tell me who you are, my love? - I asked him pleadingly.
-I am your husband Psyche. - He answered, laughing slightly, as if the situation was a humorous one.
-I know what I am looking for now. - I told him determinedly.
-And it isn't me? - He asked still taking the light-hearted side of the matter.
-No it is you. I just know what to call it now.
-What do you call it, my thoughtful little wife?
-I'm looking to know your Soul. - I whispered- What it is that makes you, you. Whatever you have in you that is worth loving.
He kept quiet and I could only suppose I had surprised him.
-You don't think I'm worthy of your love? - He asked quietly, at last.
-I'm certain you are, really, worthy of a mightier better love than I could give. But I do not know you because you won't let me! - I raised my voice slightly and I extricated myself from his embrace.
-You don't know anything about Love!- He yelled back.- Oh, if you knew who it is you are saying such things to…
-If, if! I knew. Whose fault is it that I don't?
-What we have is enough, Psyche!
-No it isn't! Not by a million years! We have only half of something! Half of a something that could be wonderful but isn't because you won't let it!
-Enough! I will not argue with you anymore. - He snapped sounding deeply disgruntled. - I'm tired.
He lay back and slept while I sat stiffly upright, madder at Him than I'd ever been mad at someone in my life. He did not understand, he did not want to understand.
I threw off the linen sheets once I was sure he was deeply asleep and left the bed. I grabbed the lamp and lighted it. Then I shone its light full on the face of my slumbering husband.
He was beautiful. He was the very definition of beautiful. I stood marveling at His features longer than I can remember. I could not for the life of me understand how he could have been so cruel as to deny me the sight of such unearthly ethereal perfection.
Then, almost slowly, a single drop of oil slipped from the lamp and fell to His naked shoulder. It burned the perfect skin. It forced a pair of wonderfully appealing eyes open. I saw Him for the first time.
-What have you done? - He asked in horror, starting up entangled in the sheets.
I backed away cowardly.
-I'm… I'm sorry- I stammered.- I had to see…
-The only thing I asked of you, Psyche…- He shook his head in disbelief. His disappointment cut through me worse than the fury I'd expected.
-And I asked so much of you…- I replied with my eyes full of tears.
He clasped his golden hair in his hands, almost despairingly. Tears started to flow down my cheeks.
-I know who you are now. - I told him unnecessarily.
-Do you? - He asked bitterly. I nodded, then threw myself to the floor and kissed his feet with my unworthy mortal lips. I wept miserably.
-Why did you not want me to know, my liege? – I asked, still bathing his feet with my tears.
-We cannot be married Psyche. My mother doesn't allow it.
I nodded.
-I am dreadfully sorry- He said and to my utmost horror he vanished. Our palace with him. I was alone in an unknown forest.
I wanted to shout for my disappeared husband but I felt unworthy even saying His name out loud.
I know now he was Love. The God of Love himself. The mighty son of Aphrodite who strikes the hearts of mortals with his gold and lead darts.
How then could I not have been satisfied by what he gave me? What I gave him. How could I find the affections of Eros himself lacking? A mere mortal suckling like myself. Something must be truly wrong with me.
-There is nothing wrong with you, my dear. Stubbornness perhaps, but a strong-headed maiden always strikes our fancy.
I started as a Goddess materialized in front of me. She was beautiful, as well she might be, and she wore simple green robes. She was Demeter.
-Rise, my cherished Psyche. - She said when I dropped to the ground. - You've been wandering this land for days. Are you lost?
-I am lost and I have lost, your majesty. I think I lost what I never really had.
Demeter smiled.
-There is so much you could teach that stubborn boy.
I widened my eyes wondering if she meant my husband.
-You have such a beautiful yearning for complete truths my dear. You may teach him yet how shortened his idea of Love is.
I stared at the Goddess of Harvest in disbelief. Me? Teach a God anything? Had I not proved myself unworthy of the slightest of divine attentions?
-Prove him and his mother wrong, my wise girl.
-How?
-Ask Aphrodite for clemency, then do whatever she asks you to do and gain her favor.
-In hopes of what? - I asked morosely. Then I clasped my impertinent mouth shut in dread. But Demeter went on smiling.
- Eros sees and loves you even now. He will come to you, before the end.
With such words the Goddess disappeared. I sighed. I knew what I had to do and I did it before my courage faltered. I walked to the temple of Aphrodite.
I was ordered to do all sorts of menial works for the Goddess of Beauty. I sorted out grain, beans and lentils with the help of some ants. I knew who had sent those ants and this brought me hope , though I cannot say it made His mother the happiest of women. I was ordered to bring her the golden locks from a flock of sheep and a group of naiads helped me with it.
When I came back from the Underworld with the beauty of Queen Persephone locked in a box as I had been commanded to, I was sure my husband would come to me at long last.
I sat next to a stream to wait for him and I caught a glimpse of my reflection. My hair hung lankly about my sallow face. I cringed a little at the sight of me. That was how I was supposed to meet the most beautiful of Gods.
I fiddled the box in my hands. I wondered what Aphrodite could want with Persephone's beauty; she had no need for it. I had a need for it. I fingered the lid.
But I did not open it. If Eros had loved me first as I was, I would not give him a beauty I was not. I had lectured and lectured him about how the love of the body was not everything; I could not betray myself now.
-You won't open it?- His delightful voice started me out of countenance as he materialized next to me. I stared at him in astonishment. It was almost as if I had forgotten just how striking he was. I shook my head.
He laughed good-naturedly.
-Oh my brave, wise, good-hearted girl! My purest loveliest Soul - He exclaimed, drawing me into his arms. I could not bring myself to return the embrace.
-What is the matter? - He asked looking down at me.
I could not tell him that I now felt the full weight of his being a god and my being a mortal on my shoulders. I stared at the floor in shame.
He kissed me then and I forgot that I was unsightly and he was beautiful and I forgot he was god and I was mortal. Really, he was Eros and I was Psyche.
-You were right, you know? - He told me wrapping an arm around my shoulders. - About my having a shortened idea of what Love is.
-Demeter said that. - I murmured.
-But you thought it.
I grinned a little.
-How can the God of Love have a shortened idea of what Love is?
-He's realised Love can never be complete until Eros and Psyche are one and the same.
Even if you hated this, I would still love to know what you think!