White Houses

by Zayz

LJ Song Fic. 'And you, maybe you'll remember me, what I gave is yours to keep, in white houses.' M for mild sensuality, language, and teen drinking.

A/N: Heyyy, and happy 2008! Now, as some of you may already know, I held a poll a while ago, and out of the choices I gave you, the White Houses song fic got the most votes to be the first thing you saw from me in the new year – you wanted it, so you got it! Well, most of it anyway; I had to take out two lines of the song in the middle because they didn't fit. xD

Anyway, so this fic is AU; the story I've used here is that Lily is sixteen years old and is going to a Muggle summer camp for one week – she doesn't know James Potter or any of the Marauders. This is the first time she's meeting any of them, even though they technically went to Hogwarts with her and were very popular. I've portrayed Sirius a bit differently this time as well, and the general message is also more mature, as seen by the rating I've given it. But hey – it's a new year, so I thought I'd start it by trying a new theme out. :) Keep an open mind as you read, I hope you enjoy it, and please don't forget to review!

Title: White Houses
By: Vanessa Carlton
Album: Harmonium
Ship: LJ
Told In: First person as Lily
Rating: M for teen drinking, language, and very mild sensuality
Length: Really long one-shot

---

Bump. Bump. Bump.

For the eighteenth time in about five minutes, I am forced to bounce up in my seat and hit my head on the roof of my mum's car today as we drive down what has to be one of the bumpiest roads built into the English countryside.

Bump. Bump. Bump.

I don't know why people can't make smooth roads – I really don't. Is it so hard to take a few extra seconds to ensure that the paving is smooth and that the three million tiny pebbles that could potentially rip a tire to shreds are not in the way of the gravel mixture? I don't think so.

Bump. Bump. Bump.

Frustrated, I sigh, and ask my mother, "Are we there yet?"

It's not just the road that's annoying me this afternoon – it's more the fact that I am forced to go to a Muggle summer camp for a week starting today, Monday, like I'm ten years old or something, and I didn't even want to go. My mum thought I was working too hard during the year and over the earlier parts of my holidays on schoolwork for Hogwarts, so when the fliers came around for this "fabulous opportunity to get to know other teenagers and stay in our authentic white camping houses for a week with lots of activities available nearby," she filled my form in for me without telling me, hence this car-ride to a camp I am forced to endure against my will.

My mum sighs upon hearing my question, and says, "When we're there, you'll know."

She has been answering this same query for about an hour now, and this is by far her favorite response. Undaunted, however, I ask, "Mum, why are you even making me go?"

"Because you are so anti-social in the summers," my mother explains. "I don't want you to become a hermit – I know you have plenty of friends at Hogwarts, but I need you to learn how to make more. Communication is never going to go away, Lily; it'll be around for the rest of your life."

I let a grouchy silence spread around the car like poisonous gas at this point, not wanting to respond to such an unwarranted attack on my social proficiency. What my mother can never understand is that I don't have as many friends as she wants me to have because I don't want them, not because I can't get them. In fact, my communication skills are pretty good, so long as I only talk to girls. I can't seem to talk to boys without tripping up somewhere, even if it's a boy I've known for my whole life. This, of course, causes her internal pain, but she really can't do anything about it besides use it as a reason to stick me in horrendous camps to 'help' me. I think she only wants to get rid of me for a week, and this was her best option at the time.

Sensing my disapproval with her, Mum stays silent as well, and we let a few minutes go by without saying a single thing to the other, which I rather like. I hate having to talk to someone when really, I don't have anything to say – anyway, now I can look at the scenery (which is, admittedly, very pretty) and count down the hours until this car will be back to take me in the opposite direction that we're going in right now. It's such a sad thing to do, since I'm not even there yet, but at the same time, what else have I got to do?

With a sigh, I stare out of the window again, and this time, I notice a small town barely visible in the distance. According to my map, this city is exactly fifty three miles away from the area this camp claims to be in, which means I still have a very long time left in this car before my real torture actually begins.

How absolutely wonderful.

---

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This little bungalow with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's 'til the end

By the time I actually get to the small house I'm supposed to be staying in for the time that I'm here, night has already fallen.

It's rather eerie, arriving at a new place by night. Everything looks much more intimidating in the moonlight – the white color of the cottage looks almost sinister right now, as if it's staring me down and trying to freak me out. Well, it's working; I already want to go home.

My mother will not hear about it though – she has spent the entire day driving me here, and will not take me back home with her, no matter how much I want to. She parks the car by the curb, gets out of the car, and takes my duffel bag out of the trunk for me before I even start thinking about getting out.

"Hurry Lily," she says, opening my door for me too. "What are you waiting for?"

"I'm coming, I'm coming," I mumble, coming out onto the road and taking my bag from her. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right; let's just focus on getting you settled in," she says. "Look how pretty this house is! You're going to love it here, I know it."

I look over the house, my eyebrows raised; pretty is a very objective adjective, in my opinion, for a place such as this. Maybe I'm just biased because I don't want to be here, but I simply don't get the right vibe. The gently sloping roof, the Victorian structure, the shutters over the window instead of blinds – all of it looks to me like an old, unwanted house was taken out of a city, painted white, and stuck out here to be used as a camp because nobody could think of what to do with it. I know, right away, that I'm not going to enjoy it here. However, I don't tell my mother this as she grabs my bag from me (again), drags me to the front door, and drops us both off by the welcome mat. She smiles at me, a huge, motherly, I'm-going-to-miss-you-and-I-love-you kind of smile, and says, "You're going to have a wonderful time, Lils. I'll see you in a week, okay? I love you, call me whenever you need me – I'm sure there's a telephone in there somewhere."

"I'm going to miss you too, Mum," I say, to humor her though I half-mean it anyway. "Bye."

She plants a kiss on my cheek and gives me a cheery, parting wave as she goes back to the car – she starts the car up and drives away almost immediately, and I'm left with a mixture of disconcertment and surprise in her wake. Is she supposed to be so happy about leaving me here? Isn't she supposed to be bawling her eyes out and telling me she's going to miss me crazily? Apparently, my mother doesn't follow the general rules – instead of me being glad to get rid of her and her crying over me, I'm kind of sad to see her go while she's driven away, free of me for an entire week. Still, it doesn't do to wallow, she's always said; she's not going to wallow over me, and I'm not going to wallow over her – I whip out my copy of the key from my pocket, which had come for me in the mail the day Mum told me about her plan, and gently push the door open.

I don't know what I expected to see when I walked in, but it certainly wasn't what met my eyes. The house, which seems so small at first glance, is very spacious in reality. The floors are a handsome and smooth chestnut-brown, and the furniture is simple but effective. I pad down the main hallway, peering into each room carefully as if I'm a criminal sneaking around or something, and I figure out how the first floor is laid out. No one has come downstairs to greet me – probably because they don't even know I have arrived – but I know that people are already here, because of the hushed voices and giggles coming from upstairs. I wonder who they are, but I hope there aren't any boys; I don't do well living with boys, or even being near them, period. I sling my bag over my shoulder and creep up the stairs, letting the sound of teenage voices guide me to the room where I will meet my house-mates. So far, I hear more than one male voice, which makes me groan internally; oh gosh. If I'm living with all guys, I swear I'm going to call my mother and force her to take me home, because that's simply not allowed.

I make my way down the main hallway for the second floor of the house, and at the very end, in the corner, I can see a light on behind the slightly-cracked door. I take a deep breath, try to relax myself, and push the door open with the tips of my fingers, unsure of how I should enter. I linger in the doorway, and suddenly, four heads whip around, scarily in sync, to show me their astonished expressions.

"Bloody hell, you could have knocked first!" one of the two black-haired boys says to me impatiently. "You nearly made me wet myself thinking some psycho was at the door ready to shoot me!"

"I-I'm sorry," I stutter, blushing. The boy, despite his unsettled expression, is extremely good-looking – one of the best looking boys I've ever been in the company of in my life, really. His hair is long, and frames his face quite elegantly, and his eyes are dark and alive, while his complexion is fairly pale. Each of his features is classically striking, but on him, it achieves a new level of sophistication.

"You should be," the boy says, right on cue, giving me an annoyed look.

"Oh, Sirius, don't terrorize her on her first night here," the only girl in the room scolds him playfully, smacking his thigh. She's also quite pretty, with her medium length dirty-blonde hair (currently tied up in a ponytail) and bright blue eyes, and she appears to like the boy who had been frightened by my entrance – Sirius.

"If she didn't terrorize me on my first night, maybe we wouldn't be having this problem," Sirius points out to the girl.

She smirks, rolls her eyes at him, and then bounces up to come over to me, her smile amiable. "Hey," she says. "I'm Jennifer Parkston – call me Jenny."

"Hey," I say back, grateful for her friendliness and the fact that she's my savior from the other three boys, who I will probably never get along with. I hope with all my might that she will turn out to be as wonderful as she seems now. "Nice to meet you, Jenny."

"What's your name?" the other black-haired boy on the floor asks me, looking over me with interest. His hair, though slightly too long like Sirius's, sticks up in the back, which I find I rather like, and his hazel eyes are shining from behind his glasses – he's rather cute.

"I'm Lily," I say as he stands up as well. "Lily Evans."

"Hi Lily," he says. "I'm James – James Potter."

Something explodes in the pit of my stomach upon knowing this boy's name – I don't know what it is, but I know instantly that I'm going to like this boy, even if I can already tell that means I won't be able to talk coherently in front of him. However, I turn my attention from his open face to the last boy, who has risen up with the rest of us and is offering me his hand to shake.

"What's your name?" I ask him, letting his firm, but kind handshake dominate over mine.

"Remus," he clarifies, the sincerity of his smile reaching his chocolate-brown eyes. His hair is the color of tea, a shade I'm rather fond of, and his features are gentle, giving him a soft, shy sort of an aura, something I can, right away, warm up to. "I'm Remus Lupin."

"Nice to meet you," I say. Then I look around at the rest of them – Sirius, Jenny, Remus, and James – and timidly ask, to bridge the awkward silence that has hit after I found out everyone's names, "How old are all of you?"

"We're all sixteen," Sirius informs me. "Are you?"

"Yeah," I say. "I turned sixteen in January."

"When's your birthday?" James chimes in curiously.

"The thirtieth," I answer.

James mulls on this thoughtfully, which makes my heart skip a beat, but I ignore this and ask, "So what was going on before I got here?"

"Nothin' much," Sirius says lazily. "Just talking and figuring out who the hell we're living with for the next few days."

"Sirius, quit being an arse," Jenny says, her smile flirty again as she reprimands him.

"Well, that's what we were doing," Sirius says, defending himself. "You know you were thinking it."

Jenny laughs, but Remus inquires, "Do you need a tour of the house, Lily, or are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I say faintly. "I just want to know where my room is."

"I can show you, if you'd like," Remus offers.

"That would be very helpful," I say thankfully.

Remus smiles at me and prepares to take my bag for me, but James beats him to it and is already holding it. "I'll take her," he assures Remus.

"Okay," Remus says, obviously as surprised as I am by his sudden interest in helping me. "Come back here when you're done."

"Will do." James gives him a quick wave of his hand and leads the way down the hallway, as confidently as if he'd been living here all his life. In my own hesitant way, I follow along behind him, at a loss for words, but I don't have to worry about making conversation – James is quite good at conducting it himself.

"So…your name is Lily?" he confirms.

"Yes," I say.

"That's cute," he says. "Lilies are my favorite flowers."

"Thanks," I say, feeling the warmth of my easy blush in my cheeks for the second time tonight. "That's nice to know."

His smile is unbearably sweet as he opens the door to my room – it has a single bed, dresser, and desk in it. "Here we are, madam," he says, putting on the pompous and annoying air of a typical English hotel employee. "Enjoy your stay."

I can't help but laugh. "Thank you, James," I say, giving him a curtsey as he throws my bag to the bed.

James laughs too, and takes my hand to guide me back to the room with Jenny, Remus, and Sirius. The heat of his sweaty hands is startling, but I find I'm kind of keen on it as he runs us both down to the room – he's so natural and easy to talk to, it's amazing. I haven't tripped over my words in front of him yet, and he's even managed to hold my hand within the first five minutes. This has never happened to me before in living history; this James Potter must be a miracle in human form.

When we get back to the others, they're conversing with one another. When Sirius sees us, he picks Jenny up and sits her down on his lap to scoot over and make room, which, of course, makes her screech. "C'mere, James," he says.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," James says, taking the spot he'd had saved for him.

"What about Lily?" Remus asks, noticing that I have not yet found a place for myself yet. Did I mention how much I've already come to adore this boy?

"Here," James says, yanking my wrist down and sitting me in his lap. "Problem solved."

I'm taken aback – this is going way too fast for me. Here is this boy, about whom I know nothing but his name, who has decided he wants to hold my hand, tease me, and put me in his lap, all within ten minutes of acknowledging my very existence! I don't know how this could possibly be happening to me; I am supposed to be challenged with talking to boys! Do all boys take a liking to girls this fast? I can't be sure, but it seems that James does, because he's already got his arms around my torso like a seatbelt and is perfectly content with this position, when I am clearly not. He rubs my stomach without saying anything about it at first, but then when his hands get a feel of my hips and waist, he yelps.

"Bloody hell, Lily," he says. "You're so thin!"

"I know," I say. "I'm just like that – my mum gets worried too."

"Wow," he murmurs, letting his fingers roam around the ends of my shirt. "That's kind of alarming."

I have nothing to counter his remark, so Jenny takes over and says, "Well, now that I think we're all here, I'd like to say this – we're all going to be together for a whole week in this house, and I want us to make a vow that we're going to be great friends, all right? Friends until the end."

"I, for one, like that vow very much," Sirius says, resting his chin on Jenny's shoulder. "Friends until the end, guys?"

"I like it – friends until the end," Remus agrees.

"Friends until the end," I say eagerly. It's incredible, to me, that I haven't even been in the house for a half hour yet and I already have 'friends until the end,' so I don't mind going along with the idea. This swiftness to trust is something new, something I've never experienced before, but I like it – it's a good feeling.

"Friends until the end," James says from behind me. "That's the best thing I've heard all night." I'm happy to see that he hasn't copied Sirius and put his chin on my shoulder nonetheless; trusting may be nice, but he seems to have picked up on the fact that I'm not that unquestioning right away, which I like.

"Cool." Jenny lays her head right on Sirius's face, her blonde hair making him cough and sputter, and grins. "This is going to be a lot of fun, I can feel it."

"I know," James says before I can even open my mouth to concur. "I'm going to love this week."

He's speaking from right next to my face, and his breaths are going directly into my ears; I don't like how much I like the sensation. I move my head slightly forward, so that James is not quite so close to me, and he helps out by letting me sit right next to him rather than be on his knees, which I admire; some guys don't have any sense of respect when I don't appreciate something that they're doing. I smile at James to show my gratitude, but he doesn't notice as he says something to Remus, who is watching Jenny and Sirius flirt with disgust. I don't mind though – I sigh to myself and look around at the tiny circle of four people I'm going to get to know over the next seven days. They're a nice bunch, I can tell right from the start, and I hope that I can get their addresses so that I can maybe see them over the Hogwarts breaks or something like that. Especially James – yes, I think I'm going to ask for James's address first.

'Friends until the end,' I think to myself as Sirius says something that makes Jenny scream from her mirth. 'I can't even say how much I want that to come true.'

---

Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

In the morning, as I wake up, snuggled in sheets that aren't my own, I need to take a minute to remember where I am and why I'm here.

Yesterday feels just like a dream – a colorful dream featuring four teenagers I'd promised to be best friends with and my mother abandoning me in a white house in the middle of nowhere. It was all real though, which is odd, because part of the dream contained me sitting in a boy's lap without even knowing who he was or where he'd come from or even if he had a girlfriend. Half of me wants to believe that everything I'd seen and done last night was real, but the other half of me wants to go home, to my own bed, and forget about the promise I'd made, with no reason behind any of it. Ah well; I'm here already, aren't I? I suppose I'll just make the best of it, I figure, so I tie up my knotted red hair in a messy ponytail, take my slippers out of my bag, and walk down the steps to the kitchen to see if there's anything for breakfast. When I get there, I see the other four already hanging around the kitchen, talking idly together; what a repeat of last night. I join them with a small smile, and also similar to last night, Sirius is the first one to greet me.

"Good morning, sleepy-head," he says sardonically, bowing to me.

"Good morning to you too, Sirius," I say with a yawn. "What's the time?"

"Eleven thirty," Remus says. "We were waiting for you to start figuring out breakfast – Sirius said if you weren't down by twelve, we'd eat without you."

"But you're here, so that's not necessary," Sirius adds.

"I wouldn't have let them," Jenny assures me. "Sirius likes to pretend he's big and scary and doesn't wait for anyone, but he's not."

Sirius makes a face at her, to which she giggles, but my eyes go straight for James, who is watching all of this with amusement, his hazel eyes thoughtful. When he catches me looking his way, he smiles and says, "Hey Lily."

"Hi," I say, waving lamely at him. I know I'm blushing yet again – I'm so prone to doing that around him, and I don't how to fix it, so I remain silent after I greet him. He doesn't seem to mind, however – he gives me a wink and lifts himself up to sit on the counter using just his arm strength. His biceps are crazily strong – he's very graceful, and so effortless about it. I find myself very jealous because of that – if I had maybe a little strength to speak of, life would be a bit better.

"So, do we have to check in with any camp counselor or something right now?" I ask to no one in particular to distract myself from my envy of James's arms.

"We're supposed to, but we don't," Jenny answers. "It's a waste of time – we get to do whatever we want anyway, so long as we don't kill stuff or blow something up."

"It's not as big of an offense as it seems," Remus inserts. "Counselors here are a waste of time anyway. We're just going to chill out for the week, pretending they don't exist."

"Yeah, this coming from Remus, the biggest rule-follower on the face of the planet," Sirius says. "So don't worry your little carrot head about it, Lily."

"Don't call her that," Jenny objects on my behalf. "I can't imagine that she likes it."

"Do you not like it when I call you a carrot head?" Sirius asks, his tone bored, as though he already knows what my answer is.

"Erm, not really," I confess, much to his disappointment. "Please don't call me a carrot head."

"See?" Jenny gives him a big 'ha' in his face. "Told you so, you insensitive roach."

Sirius smacks Jenny's rear-end, making her squeal, and says, "Shut up, Jen." Then he catches her in his arms – which appear to be just as strong as James's – and hugs her tightly before letting her go.

I obviously have no part in this conversation anymore, so I pose my next query to Remus and James; "So what are we having for breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry," James says. "But I think there's something here for you somewhere, Lil."

"I'm not hungry either," I say without knowing exactly why. "I don't want anything."

"You're a little twig – you're going to die if you don't eat," he tells me, gesturing down at my frame. "Besides, I want to do some hiking today – I don't want you collapsing in the middle."

"I'm not as fragile as I look," I protest.

"Well, you look practically breakable, so I'd hope so," is James's only response as he hops off of his counter and disappears into the pantry to look for something to eat. I sigh irately and stand next to Remus, who, when he sees my expression, laughs.

"Don't get too bothered by James's over-protectiveness," he says soothingly. "He doesn't do it for everyone – you should feel rather special, actually."

"How can you tell?" I want to know.

"Well, me, James, and Jenny got in at about the same time yesterday afternoon, and when Jenny complained about possibly twisting her ankle tripping over James's bag, James didn't take as much interest in her foot as he did about your weight," Remus shares.

I don't know why this thrills me so much, but I have to hold down the butterflies of delight that are exploding all over my stomach. "Wow," I say, for lack of a better word.

"Yes." Remus chuckles and includes as he looks at something behind me, "Oh, look – he found you some cereal."

I turn around and see James holding a box of cereal and an empty bottle of wine in his hands. Jenny, who had spent the past few minutes having a private conversation with Sirius, notices the bottle and squeals, "Ooh, wine! Do we have any more?"

"Yeah, plenty, but we'll save that for later," James says carelessly. "Here's some cereal, Lily," he adds, in a much more compassionate tone of voice. "Eat the whole box and I'll feel a little better."

"You really don't have to care so much," I tell him bashfully.

"I know, but I do," he says. "Eat up."

I open the top of the box of cornflakes he hands me and start eating a few of them dry, when Sirius steals a few from me and asks James, "So what's the empty wine bottle for?"

"This game I learned when I was younger," James replies. "I thought that, to get to know each other a little bit better, we could spin this bottle, and we ask questions to whoever it lands on. I used to do it a lot when I was younger and it was fun."

"Cool," Jenny says, examining the bottle. "Should we go to the living room and play right now, then?"

"If you want," James says.

"I do want to," Jenny informs him. "C'mon." She takes Sirius's hand and runs to the living room with him, leaving Remus, James, and I to follow obediently along. Remus is perfectly content with chasing after the two of them, but James walks with me at my sluggish pace. Surprised by this, I look up into his face, puzzled, and he smirks.

"What's wrong?" he inquires.

"I'm just wondering why you're being so nice to me," I say, astounding myself with my blunt honesty.

"Would you rather that I was horrible to you?" James asks jokingly.

"No, of course not," I say. "It's just…different, that's all."

"Why, do you know many terrible people that have changed the way you look at boys or something?"

"Kind of," I say. "It's more the fact that I can talk so easily to you when I mostly show signs of severe speech impediments through a shorter conversation with anyone else."

He laughs, but his eyes are serious when he says, "Really? Wow, I'm an exception to your rule – that's pretty awesome."

"It is," I agree as we walk into the living room.

He gives me a strangely intimate stare as we stop in the doorway upon hearing this; all of his attention is focused on me, which is a new experience for me, and he's about to say something when we hear Jenny screech from the center of the room, "Lily, James! We're going to play the game now!"

"Sorry," James says. "We're coming." He slips his arm around my waist, sending outlandishly gorgeous ice-cold shivers up my spine, and takes me to sit down with the other three. My heart still pounding erratically, we form a circle on the ground and Jenny sets the bottle in the middle.

"So whoever this lands on has everyone ask them one question, or whoever spins it gets to ask whoever it lands on any one question?" she asks James.

"Either way, really," James replies. "I used to play it the second way, but I like the idea of everyone asking the person the bottle lands on one question." Is it just me or do his eyes fall particularly on me when he says this?

"I'll spin it," Sirius says, snatching away and spinning the bottle before Jenny has time to dispute over the matter. His spin is hard-hitting – the bottle goes for a long time before slowly stopping on…how grand, me.

Sighing, I look around at the four faces turned to me and say, "Since I'm first, be gentle with your questions." I can tell right away that Sirius and Jenny won't be, while James might be, and Remus definitely will be – their eyes all just speak volumes. Sirius's are probably the most beautiful eyes of the lot, but they're always filled with mischief; James's are captivating and can make me melt when the right angle of light hits them, but I can never figure them out all the way, which makes him a candidate for any kind of a reaction; Remus's eyes are beautiful in the sense that they're innocent, and always mean everything they seem to mean, which is a nice change from someone as tricky as, say, Sirius.

"Okay," Remus says to start, his smile benign. "So…do you have any siblings?"

"A sister named Petunia," I respond promptly, relieved by his simple inquiry. "She's eighteen months younger than me."

"That's boring," Jenny complains. "Lily, did you have any boyfriends? Do you have one right now?"

"That's two questions," Sirius points out.

"Oh, but they're related – hush," Jenny points out. "So do you?"

This is exactly what I'd been afraid of; helplessly, I take one more look around the circle as I attempt to think of a good way to phrase this, and can't help but notice James's subtle, but rapt attention. Letting this give me strength, I clear my throat and say, "No – I don't have one now and I've never even dated anyone before. I'm a bit challenged in the male department of life."

It's James I'm watching as I proclaim this, and my concentration is semi-rewarded – something in his face shifts, but I can't exactly tell what it was. Jenny, unlike James, isn't at all quiet about her emotions, and neither is Sirius.

"You can't be telling me you haven't had any kind of a history with boys," she cries. "You're a babe, Evans! That red hair, those eyes, those boobs – are the boys you know blind?"

Obviously, Jenny isn't one to hold in whatever explicit thoughts are going through her head – she still stares at me, in complete wonderment, while Sirius goes into a fit of giggles, James coughs significantly, and Remus looks determinedly away. I bite my lip and blush redder than I've ever blushed before, but say, "Erm, thanks Jen."

"No problem," she chirps, unabashed. "Anyway, do you guys have any questions for her too?"

"Let James ask one first," Sirius says, evidently unable to recover from his spasm of giggles.

"Very well," James says. "My question is this; Lily, what would you do if I told you I've already become quite partial towards you?"

Sirius stops giggling at once in shock, Jenny's mouth drops open and even Remus's eyebrows rise at this question. I can feel myself sweat profusely as I stutter, "I-I don't know what I would say. Probably something along the lines of being beyond flattered."

James's smile is coy as he asks, "Nothing else? You'd just be flattered?"

I don't know what to say – I really don't. My jaw is hanging open, my brain-cells unable to control it and make it close, and my brain has gone into lock-down mode. No boy has ever told me he's become partial to me before, let alone a boy who hasn't even known me for twenty four hours. I sit there, stewing and unable to say anything coherent, but to save me, Remus says, "All right then; Lily's done. The bottle is being spun – who's next?"

Even though I'm sitting there physically when the bottle is spun again and I am forgotten again, I am mentally somewhere else – a place where I am confused and do not know what has just hit me. The boys I have in my life are, unfortunately, the biggest douches of the human race, so I'm not used to having someone as intricate, intuitive, or indecipherable as James. It's a challenge figuring him out, one I'm fairly frightened of having, but a challenge nonetheless; I want to identify with him, and maybe – just maybe – be able to tell him I love him at some point in time. I know there's definitely an attraction of some sort, but I can't tell what kind just yet.

I sigh fervently, despite the fact that no one can hear me; maybe I don't completely know how I feel about James yet, I do know that he has the prettiest eyes I've ever had the honor of staring at in my entire life.

---

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

In the evening at around nine (the sun goes down so much later in the summers), the five of us, tired out from the day of hiking James had decided to condemn us to, relax on the sofas in the living room, too out-of-breath to say much. Jenny had insisted on having some beer to soothe our nerves, so we were all presented with bottles of beer, but I haven't started on mine yet – I don't really drink alcohol. However, Sirius downed most of his in one go, Jenny is working on her third bottle, and James is sipping periodically at his, so I figure it can't be too bad; I take drops at a time, drops so small I can hardly even taste what I'm having. Sirius and Jenny are chattering, as are Remus and James, but I'm only watching – I don't have anything to contribute right now because I'm just enthralled by watching them. They've already gotten to be so comfortable around each other – they'd done some serious bonding on our hiking trip while I spent that time tripping over stray rocks and tree roots. I find myself wishing I'd managed to talk to them more than I had – talking to James especially wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I listen to Jenny prattle about something insignificant to Sirius, her words slurring into one another to form one gigantic mush of a statement rather than several separate ones, and I watch Sirius very closely – he's getting pretty drunk by now too, so his normally magnificent eyes are a little dull, but I can tell that he fancies Jenny. I'd suspected it from yesterday, when I walked in and Sirius hung around mostly with her, but now I can see it more clearly – they are really, really attracted to each other. It's perfectly fine, but what's frustrating me is that Jenny won't say it – she will only flirt and wait for Sirius to say something, while Sirius is clearly waiting for her at the same time.

My musings are interrupted, however, by Sirius suddenly giving Jenny a highly mischievous look and saying loudly, "Hey, Jen, remember the DA?"

Jenny had been taking another long, hearty sip of beer just before this, but when she hears Sirius say the letters D and A together, she screams out in laughter, spitting out her drink with her mirth. Beer starts to stream out of her nostrils, which makes all of our noses wrinkle in disgust, but DA is unmistakably an inside joke for the two of them to enjoy. I decide not to question it, but James doesn't think along those lines.

"What's the DA?" he wants to know immediately. I admire his bluntness – I wouldn't have the guts to ask them, especially since it's their own thing and I don't even know them.

"The Dance Academy," Jenny answers drunkenly, grabbing a tissue and cleaning up her nose, still snorting to herself. "I used to be a dancer when I was about eight, and I learned this one dance move that serves as a joke for me and Sirius now."

"I want to see it," James proclaims.

"No," Jenny says, blushing, her eyes bright with too much alcohol. She obviously loves the attention she's getting from us.

"You showed Sirius," Remus adds in, his interest sparked. "Why not us? We're friends until the end, aren't we?"

"True…" Jenny is high as a kite by now, and she can't resist showing off at least a little bit. "Here I go!" She gets to her feet with great difficulty and begins to dance; she's actually quite a good dancer, despite her intoxication, and she just goes and goes. Her legs are a blur, trying both to impress and keep her body up-right, and her arm motions are more fluid than I could ever hope to make mine. Her rear end is shaking a great deal, which wins extra applause from Sirius, but for being so drunk, she did an amazing job. When she sits back down, I tell her so, which causes her to preen and giggle. Remus and I exchange looks at this, and I laugh nervously; we have both communicated without words that we should never, ever let Jenny near the beer again.

I lay back on my sofa as conversations resume again between the original two pairings, leaving me the odd one out (I don't mind it – really, I don't) and like I had before, I watch Jenny. Her hair has been released into a cascading sheet down past her shoulders, and unlike Sirius, her cerulean eyes have gained luster rather than lost it since she'd been drinking. She's radiant and more beautiful than ever now that she can trust herself to be a party-girl in front of us, but I can't help but question her common sense. Is it a good thing to let go so utterly and so completely whenever she feels like it? Is it a good thing to be so sure of herself when she probably isn't as sure as she wants to be? Is it even a good thing to be so in love with a boy like Sirius Black? I can't answer any of those three questions for her, but I can answer them for myself – they're all no's. I must be cleverer than she is, then, but at the same time, is it so clever if I never take any risks, never do anything interesting when I have the chance to? Life is all about risks, but I live in a carefully constructed bubble of childish beliefs; sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes it's not – this is one of those times where it's not.

So, as Jenny finishes her third bottle of beer and hiccups with laughter at whatever Sirius is whispering in her ear, I make myself a promise – I'm going to do something dangerous this week, something I'd never dream of doing otherwise. I mean, it's summer; it's feels like it's only just started, but in truth, it's about to end. I'm nearly a year away from being a legal Wizarding adult now, and still live up to the statement, 'sixteen and never been kissed.' I'm away from my sheltered little home for the moment and in the real world – it's time to make something of it.

It is at this point in time that I excuse myself from the living room (I think I'm starting to get schizophrenia or something – I think I heard James express very soft regret to Remus that I want to leave the room) to go to bed a little early tonight; I want to get up early tomorrow, fresh and ready to go, to join in with whatever crazy thing we're going to do next. I make a promise to myself as I go – no matter what hair-brained thing Sirius, Jenny, Remus, and James propose to do starting in the morning, I will do it without any hesitation; but, most of all, I'm going to enjoy it.

I make my way up the stairs, find my room, and get into my bathroom for a quick shower before bed – I plan for the next few days to be as action-packed as I can let them be.

---

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt

Time blurred quite peculiarly for my third and fourth days in the white house with my four house-mates; I only remember those events in little dollops – Sirius laughing at me on the third morning when I tripped over Jenny when she was standing around by the dining table, Remus trying to pour me a glass of water in the afternoon but ending up pouring it all over my foot when he missed the cup, Jenny kissing Sirius for the very first time yesterday evening. They've become a more defined item since that point in time – Sirius talks to James, Remus, and I sometimes, but he mostly likes to live in Jenny's pocket, a place Jenny doesn't mind letting him take. It was a predictable pairing for the two of them, but at the same time, it was oddly satisfying to see them together – it was like being a preschooler and getting it confirmed that red and white made pink when they'd known it all along anyway. None of us had to say it, but I know James and Remus feel the same way I do – Remus always wore this knowing sort of a smile on his face when he sees them together. I somehow get the feeling that he knows something I don't, but I don't get many opportunities to ask him about it, because we're always off at the pool or exploring the area around us or something like that – I don't even know what all I've been doing since I got here.

This is actually only my fifth morning in the house, but it feels like I've been living here for a long time, and I'm having more fun than I expected to – Sirius, James, Remus, and Jenny have become kind of like my family, in a weird sort of a way. I've come to adore being around all of them, and with all of our clumsy contributions, we have, at the very least, kept the house from burning down very successfully. I can feel myself opening up more to these people, letting them get to know me and getting to know them in return. As I let myself depend on them more and more, I realize how reserved I normally am – I'd never laugh loudly, or talk so much when I was around people, even people I knew for my entire life. Why I can trust these absolute strangers more is anyone's guess, but I like the feeling – I can tell that they want my company too, and I can't think of a better sentiment than the one of being wanted by a charmingly crazy group of teenagers.

Despite all of this that I've just mentioned, though, I do have one nadir through all of this. What is it? Well, it's a problem roughly five feet and seven inches tall, and its name is James Potter.

James is an absolutely lovely person, don't get me wrong, but the fact that he seems flawless in my eyes is the problem. I can't understand what's going on with us – sometimes, it appears to me that James has become partial to me and wants to be with me; it's difficult to explain, since it's so subtle, but it's all in the way his hand sometimes brushes by mine and gives me this electric shock, the way he stares at me when he thinks I'm not looking, the way he protects me from Sirius, and of course, the night he told me he loved me when we were playing his bottle game. That being said, however, there are times when I feel like I'm just kidding myself when I think he likes me – again, it's hard to explain because it's so subtle, but there are times when I'll be standing right next to him, talking to him, and he'll slide very slightly away from me as he continues to speak or listen. Not only that, but during dinner the other night, I wanted to sit next to him and I told him so, but he chose to sit next to Sirius instead, who was sitting at the head of the table; I sat next to Remus, which I obviously didn't mind, but it still somewhat bothered me that James had either ignored or not heard me when I'd requested something small from him. There are moments when I burn with anticipation, feeling like he'll come over to kiss me at any second, making the situation feel realer to me than anything else could have, but there are other moments when I feel hopeless, and rather silly for having the fantasy that some boy I hardly even know would like me. It's like I'm coming undone over him, living for every little gesture I can catch of him so that I can attempt to be on the same page he is, but it seems that we can never line up – he's too mysterious for me to keep up with. This causes me more anguish than I can possibly describe, but I'm trying hard not to dwell too much on it and try to spend the time I have left with the rest of our little group having fun rather than brooding. I still haven't done the extremely-electrifying thing I'd promised myself I'd do yet either.

So today, when I go downstairs to find out the day's activities with the James and Remus (Jenny is still in the shower), I'm almost disappointed when Sirius announces upon my getting there, "I proclaim that today, we should have a resting day."

"We are?" James looks surprised. He's wearing this hideous, bright-red t-shirt at present, and it's practically blinding me; I feel ill just looking at it. "I thought we could go to the pool today or something."

"I hate swimming," Remus says, wrinkling his nose. He's wearing a more acceptable green shirt today, which I look at instead of James's to spare my poor eyes. "I like Sirius's idea better. You can go to the pool if you want to, James."

"Would you like to come with me, Lily?" he offers.

The mental image of me wearing a bikini in front of James Potter, alone, is too much to bear – "No, thank you," I find myself saying. "Why don't you just stay in the house here? That'll be a bit of a break for you."

"I don't like resting – I like being in motion," James complains. "I was going to do a few laps in the pool."

"You can be in motion in the house too," I say. "You can…lift weights or something and pretend you're doing laps."

"We don't have weights here," James reminds me.

"You could count as a weight, Lily," Sirius says mischievously. "How much do you weigh, anyway? A hundred pounds? A hundred and ten?"

"A hundred and fifteen, for your information, and no, I'm not a weight," I protest. "I refuse to be treated like one."

"Why? You're the perfect weight," James says. "Watch." He walks over to me then, puts his arm under my knees, and with what appears to be very little effort, lifts me up marriage-style. Squealing at the ground, which is suddenly a foot below me, I flail and try to make him put me down, but James simply pitches me over his shoulder like a throw-rug, which makes Sirius scream with laughter and Remus unwillingly chuckle at my feet, which are making every effort to kick James's chest. James himself is laughing at me, while I'm begging him to put me down.

"I hate being lifted," I holler. "PUT ME DOWN, JAMES!"

"Awww, why?" James teases. "You're such an amazing weight." He puts me down anyway though, and I fix my shirt and my hair, utterly miffed, while Sirius continues to guffaw at me.

"That was hilarious," he says, wiping his eyes. "Can I lift you next, Lily?"

"No," I say stoutly. "You may not."

"Sorry, sorry," he says, putting his hands up in surrender, snickering still.

"Only I can lift Lily," James informs Sirius, putting his arm around my shoulders. "Right, Lil?"

"Yes – only James can lift me," I say, liking the sound of the sentence on my lips. "But that was the only time I'll let you – I hope you know that," I add, just in case he gets the wrong idea.

James laughs. "Okay, fine." He kisses my hair. "I won't lift you up again if you don't like it."

I give him a quick, weak little smile, but in all honesty, I'm in complete shock. This is the first time any boy has kissed me anywhere, yet I'm kind of glad it was James – I know it was in my hair, but it was still a nice gesture anyway. I want to thank him for it, but I'm not sure how to say it, so I don't say anything. Sirius drums his fingers on the counter he's leaning, his expression bored, and says, "I think I'm going to drag Jenny out of the shower and hang out in her room for the day."

I don't know what it is about his voice that makes this simple sentence sound so incredibly seductive, but Remus and James feel it too, even if none of us admit it aloud – we just exchange glances before Remus finally has the guts to say, "Okay, have fun."

"I will." Sirius winks, but bounds up the stairs to find Jenny right away, leaving me with the other two in the kitchen. We stay silent together for a few moments, simply looking at each other and waiting for someone to say something, until James decides to contribute some statement.

"I don't even want to know what he meant by that," he tells us. "I wish I could warn her though; from what Sirius has told me about his love life throughout this week, he goes through girls pretty quickly and I don't want her to think she's the only girl he's ever fallen in love with – it would hurt her."

"I could tell from the first time I met him," I say. "He's just got that face – boys like him get girls all over them like mosquitoes."

Remus laughs, but it's a humorless sound. "I know what you mean. I felt sick when he told me how easily he disposes of people in his life."

The hush that comes after this is quite awkward, unfortunately, so James sighs and says, "All right, well, I'm going to go outside – the pool is calling me. Sure you don't want to go, Lily?"

"Yes, I'm very sure," I respond as positively as I can afford. Feeling bad almost at once when I see the expression on his face, I hastily lie, "I forgot my bathing suit, you see – I'm not able to swim for now. Jenny's doesn't fit me."

"Oh, okay." He buys my lie with a beam that makes me guiltier than a full-blown lecture would have. "See you later, then."

He runs up the stairs to grab his swimming trunks, and within two minutes, he's streaking through the kitchen to the back door, which has a path leading down the modestly sized pool nearby. I smile to Remus and say, "Okay, well, I'll be upstairs then – I want to call my mum. She'll want to hear from me."

"Sure," Remus says. "I have to catch up on a book anyway; I'll see you at lunch."

I give him a smile and walk upstairs to my room. I feel a little bad for telling Remus I was making a call when I obviously won't, but I can't help myself – I lie on my bed, and I think about adorable James Potter picking me up as if I was an insubstantial, every-day backpack or something while wearing his ridiculously red clown-shirt. I had liked the feeling of giving him the honor of lifting me when no one else could, and I especially liked his hard, muscular arms beneath my overly-skinny body, keeping me from falling to the ground. It's easy to say that he's the only one I would trust with everything I own in this house, but I don't know…I think I'm in love with him, but it's odd, because I've known him for a grand total of five days and I thought loving someone should take more time. Still, love is love, and I think I've caught it, for the very first time in my sixteen-year-old life; it's a stimulating, but startling thought.

I turn over on my bed, sighing, my heart fluttering as madly as birds' wings trying to take their owners south for the winter; I've finally fallen in love with James, out of all the boys I've ever known, but now that I feel something, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do next.

---

I sneak into his car's cracked leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

In the early evening while the sun is still up, at about six, after the five of us had all eaten dinner together in the dining room, I take a quick shower and take to my bed again – I want to drift off to sleep early tonight, because I haven't really been sleeping much lately. Either I'm up late in James's room, talking to the group or sometimes only to James himself (I prefer the latter of the two options) or I'm awake in bed, thinking about how I'm going to tell my mother about my trip. There's been so much going on lately; there's been the Jenny-Sirius thing, Remus's general lovability, James's jokes, James's laugh, James's smile…it's all blended together into a routine by now, coupled with an independence I've never been able to have before, and I fear that I won't be able to fit back into my home life again, after I've had a taste of this one. I've had more fun here than I've ever had anywhere else – my mother seems to have an almost spooky sense of where to send me to make me enjoy myself. I'll have to thank her for going against my will at the start of this week.

While I'm lying around, however, I hear a sudden knock on my door. It's a gentle one, but it's firm – instantaneously, I can tell that it's James. But why is he here? He should be asleep; he'd announced he wanted to go to bed outrageously before standard to get up for a four-o'clock morning run. I get out of bed anyway, my curiosity getting the better of me, and there he is, glowing and glorious, right in my doorframe. I smile without even thinking about it; there's something about his hazel eyes that does it for me every time.

"Hey," he says softly. "I want to show you something. Will you come with me?"

Why is he asking me? He knows my answer already. I confirm it for him anyway, by saying, "Sure."

He grins, takes my hand, and leads me downstairs – quietly, of course, so that no one can hear us. He opens the back door for me, and then we are outside – I wonder what we're doing here. I look inquisitively to James, but he knows what he's doing; he takes me to the side of the house, where a small, second-hand black car is standing. I stare at it in amazement, wondering why it's there.

Seeing the question in my eyes before I can pose it aloud, James chuckles softly in the darkness and says, "My parents let me rent it to drive up here – they couldn't drop me off."

"Why are you showing it to me?" I want to know.

He puts his hand on my shoulder, his eyes indecipherable. "I want to talk to you – privately, where no one can hear us."

This surprises me, but a tremor of pleasure goes down my spine at any rate – what could James possibly want to talk to me about so confidentially? He opens the back door with his key and slides in with me, on the black, leather seat; it's rather warm in here, and there's a strong smell of gasoline lingering near us. I look expectantly at him, pausing to let him say something, but before I can even register anything more, he comes forward and kisses me.

I'm taken completely aback – I've never kissed a boy in my life, yet here is James, kissing me startlingly hard without giving me any warning whatsoever! He's kissing me as if he's been deprived of breath for his entire life, his mouth moving too urgently on mine, his hands bringing me in as close as he could – it is a wholly new experience for me, but I can feel my lips instinctively move against his too, and he seems to like it as much as I do. I settle into his arms gratefully, glad that he is the one who is giving me my first kiss, rather than anyone else; maybe he caught me by surprise, but now I'm aware and I am already addicted to what I'm getting.

He pulls away eventually, however, and his eyes are wild as he looks into mine. The change in his usually composed aura is amazing, and I find myself fixatedly staring at him, unable to decide on how to react to such a kiss at such a time. James spares me the trouble, thankfully, and says, "I'm sorry about that. I've wanted to kiss you for a while, and now I have you alone – I couldn't help it."

"It's fine," I say, breathless.

He caresses my cheek with the back of his hand, his smile tender once more. "I love you," he says, his voice sincere. "I love you a little too much, Lily."

It's the first time any boy has told me he loves me, I realize – I've never heard any male human being tell me he loved me before in my entire life, and I like the sound of it. I bite my lip, feeling very young and overwhelmed all of a sudden, and I don't know how to respond. Should I admit that I've got a monstrous crush on him as well, or should I simply say thank you, leave his car, and tell him I'll see him in the morning? He's waiting for me to respond to his confession, of course, so I do the only thing I can think of that will show my true emotions – I lean forward and kiss him again.

This time, the kiss is not as deep or as desperate; it's sweeter and lighter. It's the kiss I'd dreamed of getting when I had been younger – a fairytale kiss. I can't believe that James has somehow managed to get himself caught up with me, but I'm too flattered by it too much to care; now that I have him here, in the tiny, enclosed car space on a summer evening, I've become someone I'm not – I'm ravenous for him, and it shows all the way through me. The stranger part of this ordeal is not me though; it's James. I never knew he had liked me as much as he does right now – his lips are all over mine, savoring whatever taste he's finding on them, and he shows no intention of letting go. He's kissing me deeper and deeper, this tongue trying (and succeeding) to gain entrance into my mouth; it's the most peculiar thing I've ever come across, but at the same time, it's also the most fulfilling – I've said it before, there's no better feeling than the feeling of being wanted, and this wanting is enough to last me a lifetime.

It's still not enough though; carefully, James takes his lips away from me and lowers me down on the seat to lie on top of me, tangling his legs up with mine. I'm astonished as he then puts his face into my neck and kisses that too – this is going really, really fast now. By this point, I know exactly what he wants to do, but I don't know if I can do it; I've only just had my first kiss, which is acceptable, but what would my highly conservative, over-protective mother say to this? She doesn't know James; I only barely know him myself. This isn't right – what am I doing? Why am I letting myself do it? There are a million reasons why I shouldn't be here right now, but I attempt to not think about any of them as I tilt my head so that my neck is more exposed, and I lay my head further back. My breathing is becoming more and more shallow as he continues to kiss me and hold me closer, and I've got that feeling behind my navel that's telling me something's about to happen, but I can't deny that I'm enjoying it.

When James leans forward to look at my face again, I stare into his earnest, fine-looking face and those stunning hazel eyes, hoping to find something in them that will convince me that I don't want to be in this car and that I don't like this so much, but then he whispers four life-changing words in my ear – "Do you want to?"

My answer sticks to the back of my throat – do I want to? Taking a few seconds, I try to make my lovesick, numbed mind consider all of the possibilities – if I did, my mother would probably disown me or something, and that's a very good reason to say no and get the hell out of here. But, on the other hand, this is the perfect time to do it – I'm alone with a gorgeous boy who I'm in love with in his car, and there's something about the smell of honeysuckle, the slowly approaching twilight, and the sultry heat around me that makes it seem okay. I also realize that I still haven't done that exciting thing that I'd wanted to do this week yet. So, keeping all of this in mind, I close my eyes, bite my lip, and shock the two of us by saying the single word that is going to make all the difference in the world – "Yes."

---

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

A couple of my friends in my Muggle town had already tried sex with their boyfriends last year, when we were fifteen. After they told me they'd done it, I had asked them what it had been like, curious to know what it was like to put themselves in the hands of a boy they put their trust in and let them do whatever mysterious things people did when they had sex, and they had always said there was really no description for it – it just was. I had been skeptical, when they told me that, and I'd always been half-sure that if I was ever in their situations, I'd be able to find the words to describe what it had felt like. Now, however, when I'm actually in the circumstance itself, I find that my friends had been right – there simply are no words that truly express something like this, though I'm going to do my best.

Obviously, I know next to nothing about which boys are good and which boys are not when it comes to kissing and such, but something in the back of my mind tells me that James is very best. His desire is full and shameless as he frees me of my pajama pants and tank top, so I don't feel as embarrassed as I remove his in turn. Something is going on in a remote, unused part of my brain, something that is giving me both strength and triggering instincts I never I knew I had possessed; he is actually out of his clothes as fast as I am out of mine. They lie, discarded and forgotten, on the floor of the car a few inches below us, and there is only skin between us as he absorbs the sight of me, positioned beneath him on the seat of his rented car. Normally, I would be mortified if a boy saw me in a bathing suit, let alone naked, but right now, I'm not self-conscious in the least – I want him to look at me and I want him to be with me, a desire I've never had, but is here now, strong and overpowering.

It's a bit of a blur, really; one moment, James's mouth is on my throat while his hands are knotting into my hair, and my eyes are closed, taking it all in, and the next, I feel a thrust and something hurts like hell. With a sharp gasp, I find that it's not the regular kind of pain, either – it's a pain I've never undergone before. Sensing that something is wrong, James kisses me to try to dull the ache, and I find that it does help a little bit. I feel the same push again, but this time, I moan loudly into his lips and cling even harder to him, my eyes squeezed shut to block it out. It gets to the point where there are actual tears starting to cling to my eyelids, though I'm not letting them out, and I find my mouth making a steady stream of sounds I never thought I'd be making any time soon as the soreness continues; but I hear a few of the same ones from James too. I say his name a lot as well – pretty much any time his lips make contact with any part of my skin, which is often. I like saying his name; every time it slips out, I feel like I'm claiming just a little smidgen more of him. I already know he has all of me – I let him kiss whatever part of me he wants, stroke my legs with shaking fingers, rub my abdomen with a reverence that amazes me with its passion; no one has ever touched me the way he touches me, but I like it that way. It's our little secret, held in witness of the white house we're staying in – the house will keep this quiet, and similarly, I will too.

I don't know how long it all took, to be honest, because it's so surreal that I can't even remember everything, but the next thing I can remember is that everything is simply over. Both our breaths are short and heavy; I'm sweating profusely and James's cheek is resting in the center of my chest. My eyes are closed, my head resting on the seat, and I know that if I was allowed to, I would be able to fall asleep here, just like this, and I would be perfectly fine. Darkness has fallen on the world around us, and it is silent, except for our heartbeats, which are too erratic and irregular to be perfect sync. I'm feeling exhausted and every cell in my body is either tingling or smarting, but despite this, I'm totally at ease; there's something comforting about James's warm weight on my bare body that takes away everything else. I swallow thickly though, open my eyes, and speak the first sentence I've said in a while, "We should get back to the house. I don't even know what time it is."

James lifts his head up, looking even more beautiful now, with his hair disheveled and his glasses fogged with the humidity. "Good idea," he says, getting off of me and picking his clothes up from the ground. "We should probably go to our rooms."

I smile as I copy his movements and put on my pajamas again – it feels strange to do that, because when I took them off, I'd been a kid – Lily Evans, another sixteen year old virgin. Now however, as I put them back on, I feel like a stranger stealing that little girl's clothes – I'm a different person. We step out of the car, which James immediately locks, and as we walk back to the house, I get the odd thought that the eyes I'm looking through do not appear to be my own. Everything looks so much sharper – my senses are on high alert, adrenaline still flowing intensely through my veins, and I stumble a little as I walk. Something in me is missing, it seems, but I grasp that something is missing – my innocence. When I went into that car, my innocence had gone in with me, but now that I'm out, I apprehend that I no longer possess it. A weight in me has lightened, but at the same time, a different weight has been added. At some time this evening, the child in me fled, and a woman took her place – it's the single most awe-inspiring, but overwhelming sensation in the world.

In silence, James and I go upstairs together, hand in hand, lost in our own thoughts instead of each other this time. We reach my room first, since it's right by the staircase; we are careful to make little noise, because the clock tells us that the time is nine o'clock and Jenny, Remus, and Sirius are asleep already. He lingers in the doorway with me for a moment, still staring at me, and his fingers are playing with my hair. There are a million things going on behind his eyes, and I assume there are just as many going through mine, but we don't really need to talk about them – they're probably the same. He watches me carefully for a moment, but says softly, "I love you, Lily."

I let him pull me into a hug, and I lay my head on his shoulder as he pats my hair. He smells so unbelievably good – as soft and reassuring as new sheets, but somehow delicate, like a bouquet of roses. "I love you too," I say into his ear.

"I'll see you in the morning." He kisses my hair, but kisses my lips once more too – swiftly, but still with the same need he'd had three hours before. "I wasn't kidding when I said I was going for a run, so I'll probably be sweaty and disgusting when you wake up."

"I'm already sweaty and disgusting," I tell him.

He smiles and tilts my chin up to admire my eyes. "It's okay," he says. "I forgive you."

I kiss him one last time, to keep me going until the end of my time here – somehow, I don't feel too great about kissing him in front of the other three yet. "Good night," I say.

James gives my hand a quick wring, but leaves me at this point to go to his own room – I go into my room, close the door, and enter my bathroom. I pick out my spare pajamas and for the second time tonight, I strip down, but only to get into my shower; I feel kind of dirty, and still exceedingly dreamlike about my evening, and I think I need to cleanse before I go to sleep. Maybe this will make sense in the morning.

---

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been

After one of the most troubled, contradictory nights I've ever spent, I wake up at around ten to the mid-morning sunshine sparkling into my face; I am bemused and drowsy, of course, so it takes me a minute to figure out why my stomach is feeling so tight or why my mind is spinning like a top that a kid's been a little too rough with.

Of course, it doesn't take long for me to recall my big event from last night. Now that the sun is up and I'm alone again, it feels like nothing ever happened, but I definitely know that it was a real event, and that whether or not it was a good thing, it had taken place for me and James Potter. I feel very old, as I pick out the clothes I'd packed for myself only a few days ago, and I wonder why – I'm only six days older than I'd been when I left my house, and I'm going back tomorrow. Is it possible for so much to change to occur within a person in the span of a single week? I've grown up faster than I should have, but oddly, it doesn't feel like I have – I suppose I feel okay, just poles apart from what okay used to mean. Is it normal to feel this way, I question myself. Had those girls who'd done this last year gone through the same thing I am now? I'd like to say they had, but if I'm honest with myself, I know they probably haven't – to them, sex had just been something they'd done one fine day and could now tell people about. It's not like that with me; last night, when I'd said I loved James, I'd meant it. Every kiss, every touch, every word uttered – they were all from the very core of who I was. I had thought I was ready when I said yes, but extraordinarily, now that I'm alert and thinking straight, I don't regret it. I'd been so very naïve when I climbed into James's car – perhaps a bit of a reality check had been necessary. Perhaps, I'd needed to grow up a little bit, away from my mother, and truly open my eyes to the kind of world I will soon be an adult in. Everyone has to grow up some time, after all.

I sigh as I change into my clothes – I believe that in life, there's a reason for everything that happens, which includes my coming to this white house over this summer. I had wondered what it would have in store for me once I arrived here, and now I know; I've got what I needed from here, and I'm happy with it. Maybe Jenny and Sirius were faster than James and I were in declaring our attraction, but that's okay – the speed I'd taken was the one I wanted, nothing more and nothing less. I tie my hair up in a pink band and look in the mirror – it's still me looking back from the glass. Somehow, this comforts me; so much has changed on the inside that it's a relief to see something that's actually the same on the outside. I smile at myself before I leave my room; I'm fine, I tell myself. And, even if I'm not, I soon will be.

As I bounce down the stairs, I make sure to put on my nothing-is-wrong-and-I'm-loving-life face so that by the time I reach the kitchen, where Jenny, Sirius, and Remus are, I look more natural than I feel. "Hey," I say breezily as I sit on the counter. "Good morning!"

"Hey Lily," Jenny says, her grin a little less than natural too. "Good morning to you too."

"Hope you slept well," Sirius says. "We're spending the whole day at the pool today, where I'm going to be splashing you mercilessly the entire time."

I smirk. "Sounds like fun."

"Oh, it will be," Sirius says, rubbing his hands together. "Right, Jenny?"

"Maybe." I notice, now, that Jenny's eyes are cloudier than usual, and her tone is sullen. I may not know her very well, but I know enough to figure out that something is definitely bothering her. Remus and Sirius either do not see or choose to ignore the way she's acting, as Remus asks, "So what time do you want to go to the pool?"

"When James gets out of the bloody shower," Sirius says. "He's been in there forever!"

He's barely finished speaking, however, we look up to the landing and see James emerging from his room, stretching his arms and beaming down at the three of us. That's amazing timing, I must say. Remus laughs at Sirius, who is disgruntled, but Jenny says, "Hurry down – I want to go to the pool."

"Okay, okay, I'm coming," James says, descending down the stairs. "Are we going now, or are we going to wait for a bit?"

"Now, I'd say," Jenny says tonelessly.

James gives her a strange look, but says, "All right, if you want to." He sees me, smiles, and says, "Good morning, Lils."

I smile back shyly. "Hey."

He shows every sign of wanting to come forward and kiss me, but I take a passive step back, and he picks up on my feelings, thankfully. He is completely cool about not kissing me in front of the others, which is a bit of a blessing in itself, and says to the rest of the group, "Do you want to go or not?"

"I know I do," Sirius says brightly. "I'm so ready for this!" He speeds out of the house with James and Remus close by his tail, but I do take note that Sirius has not offered to give Jenny a piggy-back ride or take her hand and run with her or anything like that. I don't know why. I'm especially mystified when I see that Jenny has no intention of going outside right now; she's with me, in the kitchen, looking quite miserable and unwilling to be here anymore. Even her usually full, thick hair is a little more lank than usual. I look at her for a moment, and then ask, "Hey, Jen, are you okay?"

"Why, do you think I'm not?" Jenny tries very hard to pull a nonchalant act for me, but it doesn't work.

"We're the only two here right now," I say. "So, from the second to last girl in this house to the last girl – is there anything wrong?"

Jenny sighs and stares at the ground. She stays quiet for quite a long time, obviously trying to decide if she can trust me or not, but eventually she admits, "Yeah."

"Do you want to tell me about it?" I make sure to sound gentle – I want her to know that she can confide freely to me, and I can't show her that if I'm being pushy and interrogative.

"I suppose." Her gaze turns back to me, and she takes a deep breath before saying, "I'm almost positive you know it by now, but I've kind of got a huge, irreversible crush on Sirius Black. It's pretty essential that I come clean about that first if you want to know what's going on."

"Yes, I did know," I say. "But I didn't want to assume anything, in case I was wrong."

"Well, you were right," Jenny says, jumping up to sit on the counter as I simply lean by her. "I like him – quite a lot."

"So what went wrong?"

Jenny takes a couple more minutes to gather her thoughts, but when she starts talking again, her words are rushed, mostly out of emotion – I really have to listen to catch everything she's saying. "So, yesterday, when I was in the shower, Sirius came into my bathroom. He was waiting for me when I walked out of my bathroom wearing only my towel. Of course, I was pretty surprised to see him there, but at the same time, I was glad – he cared about me. I've had boyfriends before, but they never seemed to love me the way Sirius did, wanting to be with me every minute of every day. I loved him too; I was happy to go over to him, sit in his lap, kiss him, and ask him what he wanted. He gave me the answer I'd hoped for – he wanted me."

She pauses briefly at this point in the story to bite her lip and figure out how to tell me the next part. I wait patiently for her and keep my hand resting on top of hers, to tell her I'm listening. She sighs, and says, "Okay, Lily, this is the part where you can't judge me, all right? Will you promise me that you won't think something terrible about me because of what I did then?"

I am in no position to form opinions on her, and I wouldn't even if I could. "Of course I won't do anything like that," I say. "Just tell me what happened, in your words without being embarrassed, and you'll feel better. I know you will." I tighten my hold on her hand.

She takes a shaky breath, but says, "Thank you. I just needed to hear that once. See, after he told me that, I didn't need anything more – I let him kiss me. I let him take off my towel, and he let me take off his clothes. I think I seriously sinned, Lil; I let him make love to me in a way that should probably be illegal." There are worlds of harsh regret and self-disgust in Jenny's eyes as she confesses this to me – she's gripping my hand so hard that I fear my blood circulation will be cut off. She takes a few calming breaths, and waits for about five minutes before she goes on with her story.

"Once that was done and over," she continues, her voice low and full of revulsion, "I thought he and I were meant to be. We were an item, boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought I was going to see him again after this summer, and that we could be together for years, maybe. Stupid fantasies – that's what they all were; stupid fantasies I'd let my idiotic brain conceive because I was in love. I was fooling myself – I wasn't meant for Sirius at all. How do I know for sure? Because, only a few hours later in the evening, when we didn't know where you and James were, I told him I loved him and he gave me this funny look, as though he thought he hadn't heard me right." Her voice cracks, but she forces herself to say, "He said that what we'd done had all been in fun – it wasn't what I'd thought it had been. I was one little affair, that was all; he didn't say it outright, but he implied it. He gave up on me, so easily, and after he'd broken me in a few words, he walked away, whistling as though nothing was wrong!"

Jenny looks at the floor with gloom in her eyes, but she refuses to cry, while I try to figure out how much of this I had suspected earlier and how much of it is actually new information. Obviously, James, Remus, and I had known what Sirius had done upstairs when he left yesterday, but I hadn't suspected it was as bad as what Jenny told me it was. Today, I'd known that Sirius had played some role in Jenny's unhappiness, but I hadn't known that it was as cruel as what she just told me. Jenny had always appeared to be this ditzy, flaky girl that mooned around Sirius, in my eyes, but it turns out she hadn't been – she really had thought she loved him. She'd given him the best of her, because she thought he'd want it, but he gave her up, as she'd said. Simply, effortlessly – he probably did this all the time. A summer fling; that was all she'd ended up being. I can't think of any sadder fate for a sixteen year old with so much spunk and spirit like Jenny.

"I'm sorry," I say finally. "I'm so, so sorry, Jen."

I give her a long hug, letting her rest on my shoulder for as long as she wants to, and I pray that one day, Jenny will find the right person for her, the one who won't turn out to be like Sirius. I know she will, because she's an enormously fun and sweet person, but it's a bad, bad world out there – I don't know who she'll run into before that time. When she lets me go, she looks much better; she smiles at me, and it's a real smile, not one she's putting on for the benefit of the rest of the house.

"Thanks, Lily," she says. "You know, when I first met you in the house, when Sirius had been snapping at you, I'd gotten this weird premonition – I just kind of knew you'd end up being my closest friend here. You simply look like a trusting and trustworthy person."

I blush, but I say, "Hey, I also knew from that first moment that we'd be close – we're the only two girls in this house, like I'd said."

She laughs. "Girl power, right?"

"Oh yeah." I laugh with her, and we high-five before Jenny gets off the counter. She picks up her bathing suit, which is sitting nearby, forgotten until now, and asks, "Are you coming outside for a swim?"

"No, I'm going to bond with a good book instead," I say, smirking. "I'll be right out, okay?"

"Okay." She looks genuinely sad to know that I'm not going to be swimming, but she lets me dash upstairs to grab my book and sprints outside without me, which I'm fine with. I find the book I'm looking for, and I go outside, following the path to the pool – maybe I don't want to swim, but I definitely want to relax. Losing myself in my book and possibly finding stupid reasons to yell at James while he's splashing around in the water sound ideal to me right about now. It might help Jenny too; she needs some distraction to get Sirius out of her systems, because I'm ninety nine percent sure that she's still hurt by him, though she won't want to say it in front of him or anything. Swimming may not be the best comfort-activity in the world, but who said we were psychiatric geniuses here in the first place?

I walk outside, armed with my book and a bottle of water, and allow the sunshine to hit me as I take a seat on a beach chair by the pool. James, Sirius, and Remus are already outside, laughing and having a splash fight, and Jenny is floating aimlessly on her back, perfectly content and half-asleep already. I smile as I watch; this is how it should be, I think. Five teenagers living in their own tiny house for a week over the summer, having fun in the pool, being stupid and wasting the last part of their vacation. Deeper, darker things had taken place too, leaving sometimes-silly, sometimes-real wounds all over our souls that seem to be unable to mend, but they're a part of life – all they will do is test our personalities and have the potential to drive us farther than we thought we could ever go. At least, that's how it feels for me; I'm sure that somewhere, far beneath the surface, the rest of them feel the same way.

A smile makes its way onto my face as I observe James calling Sirius a rude name from across the pool, cackling like an insane maniac. The smile grows as I see Remus throw a beach ball at James's head, and it becomes complete as Jenny sits on James's shoulders to properly dunk Sirius's head under the water for a few seconds. Then, on an abrupt and utterly mad impulse, I shout, "Watch out!"

With this, I put my book aside, run towards the pool's edge, and jump right into the pool, fully clothed still, fully bewildering my four friends. I resurface, sputtering and spitting out water everywhere while James starts to swim towards me; when he reaches me and takes me piggy-back to the other side of the pool, I am quite pleased with myself – I don't know why I just did that, but maybe that was the exact reason I had to do it anyway.

There's plenty of time to read my book; right now, I have a vivid, gorgeous summer's day I need to make the most of.

---

So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

It's my final day here at the house – the last of seven days I've spent out in the middle of the country area I hadn't wanted to be in the first place. The white house, which had appeared to be so foreign and unwelcoming to me the first night I arrived, is now abuzz with activity, shouts, and accusations of stealing various small items – we need to get out of here by twelve, and it's already eleven thirty, but we are still in pajamas and packing. I don't know how we're going to pull this off, but I'm hoping we can. Somehow.

"Where is my hairbrush?" Jenny's voice asks us from her room, her tone anguished.

"I don't know!" Remus hollers back from a different room. "I think it's downstairs in the dining room! Sirius had to use it for something!"

"Damn!" Jenny storms out and calls out from the landing, "Lily, is my brush down there?"

I am in the kitchen, right beneath her, double-checking the contents of my purse. Upon hearing Jenny's question, I take a quick look around the dining room and answer, "No, it's not! Check in my bathroom – I had to borrow it last night!"

"Will do!" Footsteps pad on the floor above my head as Jenny goes to my bathroom. A few seconds later, she says, "Thanks Lily, yes, you did have it!"

"Sorry!" My voice is distracted; I have everything in my purse, so now I have to go upstairs, check up on what I've packed in my duffel bag, and maybe do something about the tumbleweed mop atop my head – it's bothering me. I'm the most organized out of our group, so I'm already nearly done, but that means going around and helping the rest of them, so we can all get out with all our belongings in hand. I grab my purse, scurry up the stairs, drop it off in my bag, and hunt for a rubber band to tie my hair back with. I find one eventually and utilize it at once, but then James asks for my help from his corner of the upper floor. I sigh and enter his room, but the moment I do, I think I'm about to faint.

"James, what the bloody hell did you do to this poor space?" I inquire, stepping gingerly over the hill of dirty socks piled up against the door frame. I look around me, and the entire area is pretty much the same story – piles of more stuff than is necessary are all over the floor, covering the carpet, with James in the middle of it all, attempting to make sense of it as he throws things into his suitcase.

"Hey, I've done pretty well here," he says defensively. "This used to be one big mountain, but now I've got it down to a few steep cliffs. Can you help me cram it all in here? My mum did my packing for me because she didn't trust me, and I don't know how she did it."

I stifle a giggle. "Love, I don't know how she did it either, but let's try, shall we?"

"Thank you," he says gratefully.

We spend about twenty minutes in James's room, throwing his things higgledy-piggledy into his travel bag. It takes all of my wit-power and superior ramming skills to get it to fit, but I'm pretty proud of myself – I get it all done in twenty three minutes exactly, with James shouting encouragement and times at me. The room is eventually spotless, and once it is, I win an enormous bear-hug, which I'd rather keen on receiving from the very beginning.

"Thank you so much," he repeats, his voice sincere.

I laugh. "No problem."

He hugs me tightly against his chest, but releases me quickly; he says, "Now all I have to do is lug this downstairs, put on clean clothes because I've been sweating all over these, and start driving home if I want to be there before sundown. I live pretty far."

"My mum's coming for me at twelve exactly," I say. "She's been missing me, apparently."

He smiles, but there's something sad in his eyes. "I'll be able to see how she feels soon."

"You must give me your address," I say. "I want to see you again, maybe over Christmas vacation or something."

"You have to give me yours too," he says. "I'll write to you."

I make a mental note to tell my mother to forward all of his letters to me at Hogwarts – without opening them. "Okay," I say. "Here." I go to his desk, open the drawer, and pull out a quill and a pad of paper. On this paper, I scribble my address in hasty letters, sign it, and hand it to him. He studies it for a moment, but says, "I don't know when I'll be able to visit you, but do know I'll keep in touch." His eyes are dazzlingly intense as he adds, "I have a lot more to do today as well before I go, so I probably won't have time to give you a proper good-bye either."

I understand what he's trying to say, and I grin. "Oh, okay. We'll have to do it now then, don't we?"

He gives me an agreeing, expressive sort of a smile, pulls me in and kisses me, husky and meaningful. I kiss him back, at peace in his arms, but I pull away more quickly than I would have normally. My hands are on his shoulders, with my eyes staring into his as I try to memorize him, commit every fleck of color in his eyes to memory; he seems to be doing the same with me, but I interrupt him by whispering, "I really have to go now."

We both take a step back away from each other, and I put out my hand for him to shake. He does, and says, "This has been the best vacation I've ever had in my life, Lil, and I'm really, really glad you were part of it."

"I could say the same for you," I say. "I didn't even want to come here when my mum told me I had to."

James laughs, and scrawls his own address on a second sheet of paper, handing it to me with his usual grin. "Here's my address – send me a letter the moment you get home, all right?"

"Will do." I fold the sheet and pocket it. "Good-bye."

"Bye," he says. I take one last look at the gorgeous, monumental face of James Potter, wondering when it'll ever appear in person in front of me again, and I leave his room. I'd expected to feel miserable when this moment came, but oddly enough, I'm not – I'm absolutely fine. I love James, yes, but I'm not one of those soppy characters from a romance novel; I can be without him without losing my mind. I'll miss him, and I'll wish I could see him again a lot over the next few days, but all good things do have to come to an end some time – this is one of them.

I check the clock – six past twelve. It's time to go out and wait for my mum; I pick up my duffel bag from my room, and go downstairs, where I can hear Jenny, Sirius, and Remus saying their good-byes too. I join them at the door, and there they are; Jenny's actually in tears. They see me, and she is the first to run up to me, hug me, and say, "Oh my gosh, I'm going to miss you so much, Lily! Write your address on my arm here, with your quill – I need to keep in touch." She gives me the quill, and I smile as I write the address for her. When I'm done, she gives me another hug, and says tearfully, "My dad is already out there, so I need to make this quick, but you are honestly one of the very best friends I have, Lil, and if I don't see you again, I think I'm going to die."

I'd never known Jenny felt so strongly about me, but it pleases me nonetheless; Jenny's a girl full of surprises, and I've grown to like her immensely. "I'm going to miss you too, Jen. Here, write your address for me." I give her the paper James had given me, and she immediately writes a few words underneath it. With one last, third hug to me, she waves to us as a collective group before vanishing from the front door to get into her car.

Once she's gone, I turn to Remus and Sirius, and say, "Well, I guess this is good-bye, then."

"Eh, it's okay," Sirius says. "If we meet after this, great; if not, whatever. People come in and out of our lives all the time – we shouldn't dwell on it."

"Very sentimental, Sirius," Remus says sarcastically. "I really want to keep in touch, speaking personally; I've had a lot of fun over this past week. Maybe we can come back here to this house over Christmas."

"No," Sirius whines. "I have plans for Christmas!"

"Already?" Remus's tone is skeptical.

"Yes!" Sirius insists. "I have a busy life."

Remus contents himself with a snort in his direction, but says, "Anyway, good-bye, Lily. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," I say, coming forward and giving him a hug. I think I've given more hugs today than I normally give in a week. "Write to me, won't you?" I mean it when I ask this – I honestly wanted to hear from him. Remus has to be one of the sweetest people I've ever acquainted with in my life – he's someone I want to hold on to.

"Sure," Remus says. "Here's my address." He takes the quill and writes, in careful letters, his address on my paper. Subsequently, he rips off a part of it, has me write my own address on it, and puts it in a pocket of his bag. "You'll hear from me soon," he promises. I can believe his words; the earnestness in them is impossible to miss.

He and I smile at each other for a moment, but after a few moments, I reluctantly give Sirius my most wary expression. "I'm assuming you don't want my address?" I check.

"Ah, fine," he says. "I don't have any paper on me, so here's what you can do – I'll give you my address, you can send me a letter, and I'll have your information on the envelope already. Is that good?"

"Yes, fair enough," I say. "There – write it." I thrust the quill and paper at him; with the air of a celebrity handing out an autograph to a devoted fan, he writes down (in surprisingly elegant calligraphy) his house data and gives it back to me, a smirk in place.

"Hope to hear from you, Lily," Sirius says, his voice, by some means, both sarcastic and genuine. "I'd say see you later, but I don't think I will, so I'll stick with just bye."

I click my tongue. "Aren't you going to give me a farewell hug?" I inquire harmlessly.

Sirius rolls his eyes, but gives me a very quick hug. "There, you got one."

"Thank you," I say, grinning broadly.

Sirius is about to say something else, but he pokes his head out to look at the drive, sees his ride, and says, "I'd love to stay and chat, but I really need to go. Later, Remus, Lily." He gives us a bow, flip of the black hair I'd admired on my first night, and takes his bag to go outside. I take a look as well, but I only see a tall woman with similar black hair dressed simply in a black dress; I presume he's close enough to walk, since there's no car. Or maybe Apparate – does he have magical blood like I do? I never had thought on this possibility, but it's too late now, anyway. I'm about to go back inside and wait with Remus, but another car pulls up, and Remus clears his throat.

"That's for me," he says, picking up his bag as well. "Best of luck to you, Lil – I hope to see you again round about Christmas, if we can work it out."

I give him a final hug anyway, though I've already hugged him previously, and say, "Bye, Remus. It's been great – you'll be hearing from me soon."

"I'm counting on it." Remus flashes me one last, child-adorable smile before leaving, and I rest my cheek on the doorframe, watching him go outside, throw his suitcase into the trunk of the car, and climb into the front seat next to a woman that is, most likely, his mother. He can't see me, but if he could, I would wave to him.

However, as his car pulls out of the drive, my own, familiar car comes into sight, speeding towards the house and waiting in the street as I take my bag, close the door, and walk down the path. I hadn't known how I would respond to seeing my mother again, after all that's been going on for me lately, but I'm pleasantly flabbergasted to find that I'm excited to see her. I've had a week to grow up on my own, but now I'm ready to be the daughter again, protected and safe, for a little while longer. I run to the car, my bag over my shoulder, and get right into the front seat, my happiness too cosmic to be held in.

"Mum!" I shriek as she yells, "Lily!" We lean over and hug each other snugly, and I let my cheek lie on her shoulder – there's something special about a mother's touch that makes coming home feel fantastic, even if I hadn't missed it until the moment I saw her again.

"Oh, Lily!" Mum kisses my cheeks and smiles fondly at me, her fingers squeezing at my cheeks. "Darling, I've missed you so much; I'm so glad to see you."

I laugh, in spite of myself. "I've missed you so much too, Mum," I say, though I truthfully hadn't – not much.

"It's been too quiet at home," she says, starting the car up – it's being stubborn, and doesn't feel like starting. It's not such an uncommon occurrence. "I wanted to call you, but I didn't know your number, and you never called me, you silly girl. How was it? Did you have fun? Did you make friends?"

Her questions are coming at me in a torrent, one I'm not in the mood to handle right now, so I simply say, "Mum, I'm kind of tired – can I tell you about the trip when we get home?"

"Yes, of course," she says. "I'm just happy to see you, Lily – a week felt like such a long time while you were away."

"I know the feeling," I say darkly. "I'm going to sit quietly for a bit, but don't worry, I've got a lot to say when we get on our way a little."

"Sure," my mum agrees amiably, her eyes content as she focuses back to the road – I know she's dying for details, but I simply can't give them to her right now. I want to remember them for myself once more so that I'm prepared to recount them later.

I lay my head back on the seat and tilt my head so that I'm looking out of the window as my mother drives away down the road. I catch one last glimpse of the white house – I've come to refer to it as my white house – sitting wisely in its tiny patch of land, permitting me to leave it though I almost don't want to. Now that I'm gone, I almost long to go back to it, live in it, make more memories in it; that white house was the site for important passions and revelations, for relationships made and broken, and I wonder what more it would have for us if we were able to stay longer – for maybe two weeks, or slightly longer than that too. I smile subconsciously at the thought of what Jenny might end up doing to Sirius if she was forced to live with him for two weeks instead of only one – she was already prepared to murder him or something by the end of this single week. I also ponder what could have gone differently if we'd had more time – would I have changed my actions and thoughts if I'd been around those other four people for a few extra days? Would my relationship with James fail if we'd waited? Would he have snuck me out to his car if he'd known we had a lengthier period of time to get to know each other? It would have been nice, I think, to take my own pace at learning more about him and going into his car later, when I felt more ready…

Mentally, I shake my head when these thoughts start infecting my mind. No, no, I can't think like this. I can't, because it's not going to do me any good. Wondering and wishing and hoping are not going to make reality go away – I need to face and accept it if I ever want to move on and get something out of the experience. I've been kind of rocky about what I'd done a couple of days ago, sometimes okay with it and sometimes not, but I can't have any doubts in my mind anymore. I'm never going back to that white house, no matter what Remus says – all of the furtive things that had happened in it are going to stay there, quietly waiting until the end of time, and no one will ever know. That only helps me when I realize that I need to be able to say to myself, with full conviction, that yes, I had sex with James Potter while living there. Yes, I fell in love with him and let the wonder and magic of the emotion influence my rationality. Yes, I let him take my virginity away from me, and instinctively, I know that he let me take away his too. The only thing I'm allowed to say no to is the statement that I'm sorry about it. Why? Because, in reality, I really am not sorry; I am old enough to make my own decisions, and I made this one knowing exactly what I was doing and getting myself into. It may seem strange, that I had to say yes to having sex when I have a mother who would die if she knew, but I did have to – there are so many reasons I can give, but essentially, the main one is that time is running out for me. Every day that passes brings me closer to my seventeenth birthday – to the day when I become a real adult. Once I hit that point, the time to make mistakes and get to know myself will be over – I will have to go out into the real world and make my own way through the rest of my life. I've been living with my eyes closed up until now, and that's no way to exist; I have to be out there, loving and learning, taking risks and believing in people, and if I don't start doing that now, I fear I never will. Normally, I'm not a person who can love – I trip over my words when I speak to boys, I don't do well under pressure, and I'm awful at expressing my opinions about people – but I had to know that I could do it. I had to know how it felt to trust not only another human being, let alone a boy, but myself too. My resolutions always seem wrong to me, but soon, I'm going to making the biggest resolutions of my life, and I have to be comfortable with what I am. My childhood is slipping by terrifyingly fast – this trip and James have helped me to see it too clearly, and if I don't have any faith in myself, who will?

I sigh to myself, which makes my mother glance at me briefly, but it's not a sad sigh, like most of mine are – it's a happy one. It may seem strange that, after such thoughts, I'm sighing happily, but I am; it is because, while there are memories of a confusing coming-of-age that came out of that house with me, there are memories of pure joy. Jenny's watery, but shining smile when she told me her story yesterday, Remus's thoughtful, intense stare that makes me feel as though he's looking right through me, Sirius's astonishingly sharp humor and enchanting smile, James's expression of pathetic plea when he had been making a mess of his room in the morning – Jennifer Parkston, Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Sirius Black are four of the most beautiful and complex people I've ever known. Seven days ago, I hadn't even known their names; now look at us. The promise Jenny had proposed making six days ago – though it feels like it was six months ago – the vow for being friends until the end, it still holds true. We are going to be friends until the end, because we've shared so much more than normal friends do. They're as comfortable as my favorite pair of jeans by now; in such a short amount of time, we have made a bond that, even if I go the rest of my life without seeing even one of them again, can never be destroyed. I smile as I remember my third night in the white house – we had been eating dinner, Sirius had told a joke, and all of us had just burst out laughing. Jenny's was silent with force, Remus's resembled a hiccup, and James's made him sound as if he's choking; that had been one of my favorite moments in the whole vacation – something about the simplicity of the situation and the silliness of the story told simply sticks to me. The four of them – soaring, brilliant, and unforgettable – hold a place in my heart that I don't think they will ever abscond from there.

I let my gaze fall to my right, to my mother; she's whistling to herself, and all her attention is to the road. Her mind is elsewhere, in its own happy place, and somehow, this comforts me more than I can possibly tell her. Thoughts that should never go through my mind are roaming freely through me, giving me both the buzz of excitement and the apprehension of knowing I'm doing something wrong, and it's as though I'm falling apart to rebuild myself again, but that's not the case with my mother. My mother's little world has not changed at all since I've been going – her life has gone on, as normal, and I like that, because it means that soon, my life will go on as normal too. What I've said, done, and experienced emotionally has left its mark on me, but nobody truly has to know about it besides me.

One of my mother's hands is on the steering wheel of the car, but the other one is on the arm-rest between the two of us; I place my right hand on top of hers, and give her a small smile. Astounded by the gesture, she looks at me, but smiles back almost instantly. I entwine my fingers in hers, and I feel closer to her than I have in an extremely long time in this single moment alone.

"So," I say finally, my voice soft. "Would you like to hear about my week in the house?" I am undecided on whether or not I want to give her the full story, but I have a strong feeling that I won't; this is one mystery that I want to leave unsolved.

My mother is surprised to hear me say this so quickly, and I suppose that in a way, I am too, but she says, in her usual, knowledgeably tender way, "Yes – I'd love to."

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses
In white houses
In white houses

---

A/N: Wow…I think that was probably among the longest one-shots on this website, but I hope it was worth it – it took forever to read, and even longer to write! Haha. Anyway, please do review and make it all worthwhile – I really want to know what you think. :) The review button is right down there, but otherwise, I hope you enjoyed the story, and have a very happy 2008!