If I loved you
Ike hurried along the boardwalk, anxiously looking up and down the busy street. It had taken longer than he expected to get away from the others. And now he would be lucky if he made it on time. He hated to even think about the possibility of being too late. It wasn't everyday he could make the trip to town to see her.
Time and again
I would try to say
But he tried to see her whenever he could. On days like today, he would watch as she took her lunch alongside her students. She had such a lovely smile, and she would frequently have it on display as she interacted with the children. The corners of her mouth always seemed to be turned upward, as if she were filled with laughter and happiness and simply couldn't contain them any longer.
He'd seen her at church and socials too. Her ready smile pulling him like a moth to a flame. He always hovered nearby, but could never summon the courage to ask her to dance. She wasn't the most beautiful woman in town by anyone else's standards, but she never lacked for a partner. There was something in her eyes that made a man feel ten feet tall and bulletproof. Not that she was forward or flirtatious, but she was genuinely interested in other people and seemed to see the good in everyone. How he wanted her to see the good in him!
All I'd want you to know
But could anyone woman ever really see the good in him? He knew Emma and Lou loved him, but that was as a mother and sister respectively. And he knew that if he told either of them how he felt about her, they'd both have a list of reasons why he should approach her. Or they might even approach her without his knowledge! He knew he had good traits. He was loyal, good with animals and children, kind to others, artistic, and, despite what most people thought, he was smart too. Was it wrong to want her to find these things out for herself? No, he couldn't talk to Lou or Emma about this.
If I loved you
He rounded the corner and stopped short, realizing he'd barely made it in time. She was packing up the remnants of her lunch, laughing with one of her young pupils. The wind blew in strong gusts, whipping the strands of hair escaping her simple chignon around her face. Suddenly a gust of wind caught the cloth tucked into her lunch pail, carrying it across the ground. She gave chase as the bit of gingham danced along the dusty earth, ever closer to where he stood. Shock at her approach gave way to action as he bent to capture the napkin. He stood and found himself staring into the greenest eyes he'd ever seen.
Words wouldn't come
In an easy way
The smile that haunted his dreams suddenly appeared, causing those green eyes to crinkle at the corners. She reached out for the cloth, thanking him for its return. As their hands met, a current seemed to shoot through his body. Did her eyes widen too? Did she feel the same thing he felt? He opened his mouth to ask her...
His face flushed as she looked at him in surprise. She'd no doubt heard he was a mute. And she'd likely heard him called a dummy too. Sweetwater was a small town after all. How many times had he wished that he could open his mouth and speak like everyone else? He could only communicate with those patient enough to decipher his signs or literate enough to read his notes. And if someone didn't want to hear him out, they could simply close their eyes. But here she was, looking at him with that expectant smile and those sparkling green eyes. He did the only reasonable thing he could think of... He ran.
Round in circles I'd go
He stood at the corral behind the livery, watching the horses mill about and play. His mind tortured him by replaying the scene of his greatest embarrassment. It had been years since he had acted so foolishly. She enchanted him to the point that he felt he could do anything. It was her smile. And those eyes. He'd actually forgotten that he couldn't speak. She really did make him feel invincible. And now he'd shown her that he really was a fool, the dummy so many people accused him of being.
Longing to tell you
But if he could speak... He'd have so much to tell her. How her smiled was etched on his very heart. How whenever he was on a ride he looked for something the same shade of green as her eyes, and never found it. How he admired her kindness, especially when she thought no one else was watching. He saw how she would give up her seat for the Widow Simmons at church, making it look as if she simply wanted to go stretch her legs. He heard her tell young Bobby Smith that he should take the last slice of blueberry pie. She told Bobby that she didn't much care for pie, but Ike knew from the last social that she did, and blueberry was her favorite. She was the kind of woman he felt like he could love for a lifetime. If only he could tell her.
But afraid and shy
Who was he kidding? Even if he could talk, he wasn't the sort who could walk up to a woman and simply talk to her. He'd always envied Cody for his self-confidence, but Ike knew that he was meek when it came to the fairer sex. Was it because he couldn't speak? Or would he have been the same way no matter what? He shook his head. It didn't matter what he might have been like. This was his life. He couldn't speak. And he was nervous to approach women, especially a woman like her.
I'd let my golden chances
Pass me by
Looking out over the corral, Ike decided that he might as well head back to the station. He turned to enter the barn and collect his horse when he stopped short. She was there. Her smile still in place, though it looked rather nervous now. Had she come to berate him? To tease him? He dropped his gaze, expecting the worst.
When she remained silent, he glanced back up. Meeting her eyes, he couldn't detect any sort of malice in their green depths. His mind was telling him to brush past her and be on his way. She couldn't hurt him if he didn't give her the chance. But his heart screamed at him to linger there, giving her every opportunity to see him as the good man he knew himself to be. His muscles quivered from the tension of simultaneously moving and standing still. If she didn't say something soon, he feared he might run again... or burst.
Soon you'd leave me,
"Don't go." He froze, had she read his mind? Heard his thoughts? If she asked him to stay, he would never leave her side. He would hold her hand until God called them home. His mind still prodded him to remember everyone who'd ever made fun of him. The urge to run and never look back was strong, but the power of her smile was stronger still.
Off you would go
In the midst of day,
"I've seen you around. You're the one they call Ike, right?" She stepped closer, and his heart stopped beating.
"I've wanted so much to talk to you, but you always seem to disappear just as I find you." Her green eyes clouded over as she continued, "I know you've been avoiding me, but I... I just thought you had such a kind face. I kind of hoped maybe we could be friends. That is, if you don't mind." She looked away, nervously chewing her bottom lip.
Never, never to know
Ike sometimes liked to ponder the nature of chance in his life. What if he hadn't testified against Nickerson? What if he hadn't hidden away when those men killed his family? What if he'd never met Buck or joined the Pony Express? He'd imagined a million different lives for himself over the years. Maybe one day he would imagine how his life would have been different if he chose this moment to run. But as with all his other ponderings, he would never know for sure. Instead he looked around and, after finding a small stick, wrote in the damp earth at their feet.
How I loved you
If I loved you.
That was the moment that Ike felt his life truly began. The day he met Buck had saved his life, but this was the day that gave him a reason to live. He had sometimes envied Lou and Kid their closeness, but had he known what it could be like... He would have been insanely jealous. Deep in his heart he knew that she saved all her most brilliant smiles for him. And when he discovered that she had asked Buck to secretly teach her sign, he knew he was lost to any other woman.
One year later, when he asked her to marry him, no words were necessary. His whole heart shone from his eyes, and his smile mirrored the joy in his soul. When she saw the ring, her lips trembled and her eyes filled with tears. Somehow she was crying and laughing at the same time. Incapable of speech in that tender moment, she simply nodded and smiled.
Life and love would fuse their hearts together for all time. Their future held the births of their children, the deaths of loved ones, the accomplishment of dearly held dreams, and the crippling setbacks of long-held hopes. And if he thought he loved her when they started their lives together, it would not be long before he realized how he would love her more and more with each passing day.
This is another piece inspired by the American Songbook Challenge on the Ranch. I've always thought this song was lovely, though it comes from what might be my least favorite musical ever (Carousel). And somehow I knew that this musical tribute to communication challenges had to be Ike's story. He needs love too!
Many thanks to Beulah for her eyes and encouragement :)