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(Do I have to do a disclaimer?)
Sometimes, Kudo Shinichi finds himself looking back.
And he just wonders.
Not for the first time, and hopefully not for the last, he'd mull over every little decision he's ever made and contemplate how the heck he'd gotten here.
And he'd ponder over Newton's third law, which states that 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite effect.'
And he just wonders.
It was one of those days when the sun liked to deceive people into thinking that the temperature was warm when, in reality, it was freezing.
That day, Takagi-keiji was questioning Kogoro about the case the other day involving a highlighter and the victim's habit of tardiness that eventually became his downfall. Kogoro was pretending that he had the slightest clue as to the resolution of the case.
So, typical day.
Conan could tell Takagi didn't get the answers he wanted as the officer left the Detective Agency. Conan decided to follow. And in the police car, after a little prodding on Conan's part, Takagi spills the beans.
That was the start of the end. The beginning of the final act. The final scene would come shortly.
And the curtains would close.
"Well… You see… After Sleeping Kogoro solved the case, there was still a few loose ends to tie up. One of the suspects, Matsushima-san, had a few inconsistencies in his alibi, and we just had to double check things..."
Now that Conan thought about it, that man was acting a bit suspicious. His instincts were acting up at that time, but he had simply blamed it on his paranoia. As Takagi finishes explaining, Conan realizes he's holding his breath.
"It turns out that he was lying about working at a law firm. But… that's not the the real problem. We've double checked the databases, dropped by the high school he said he went to, asked the people he said he knew… And the problem is…"
"The problem is, Matsushima Toshikazu technically doesn't exist."
Maybe if he didn't been such a nosy idiot that fateful day at Tropical Land, he'd still be living normal teenage life- Or at least as normal as you can get when you're a famous high school detective who's infamous for being a murder magnet. Maybe if they had left Tropical Land just a few minutes earlier or later, he wouldn't even have seen Vodka acting suspiciously. It was ridiculous, really, how nicely the stars aligned and the universe conspired against him to ruin his life and to proceed to trample on its ashes.
He could rewind even further, back to that case at the aquarium. If he hadn't suggested the trip to Tropical Land in the first place, his life would be a whole lot different now. His old egotistical self had no idea.
Absolutely. No. Idea. It was almost laughable, really. If only it wasn't so painful as well.
How had he come so far from normal?
After a certain Kid heist in which, while fleeing from a certain psychotic, trigger-happy man in black, Kuroba Kaito and Kudo Shinichi discovered that they had a lot more in common than they had realized- the blue of the ocean and sky and refraction of light be damned- and Edogawa Conan and Kaitou Kid had a truce and another valuable ally in their war.
That having been said, Kaito couldn't exactly say that he was surprised to see a certain teenager-turned-seven-year-old (because logic) waiting for him at Ekoda High's school gates one afternoon. Even more so when he heard him say, "We have a lead."
So, typical afternoon.
Kaito then proceeded to ditch Aoko (he'd probably pay for that the next day) and to hop on the next bus to Beika with a not-kid many assumed was his little brother (ha).
They got a lot done that afternoon, to say the least.
Anxious anticipation was rapidly growing. This time, they were the ones doing the chasing.
And Kaito liked it.
(Hakuba did always say he had a death wish.)
They were at the Kudo residence with an FBI agent in disguise (Kaito took his liberties to examine said FBI agent's impressively made latex mask), contemplating their next move. And the words were out before Kaito had realized it.
"So? What kind of plan is this going to be?"
The boy with the glasses just smiles his most mischievous smile.
"My kind."
He could've done a lot of things differently. He could spend an eternity regretting past decisions.
But the past is a place of reference, not of residence.
But who knows where those other decisions would lead to.
But then he wouldn't be able to move forward.
But most of all, he didn't have an eternity. Just this.
The call comes a little past midnight. Yukiko is the one who picks up the phone when it rings.
"Shin-chan! It's been so long since you called! Your father is here too and-"
"Kaa-san."
It's not really the word, but rather the tone of his voice that makes Yukiko pause. She wasn't as good a detective as her son or husband, but she could tell that this phone call would be different from their previous ones. She was right.
She wish she was wrong.
For the first time in long time, the Kudo family-Yukiko, Yuusaku, and Shinichi- really, truly talk.
He tells them everything. More raw emotion was passed through vibrations and electrical energy than she thought possible. Yukiko uses up an entire box of tissues. It would be a small amount compared to what would soon follow. They tell him how proud of him they are, and how they'll return home soon.
Not soon enough.
The last words he will ever say to them are: "I love you, Kaa-san. Tou-san."
Contrary to poplar belief, Kudo Shinichi was terrified.
His hands would not stop shaking. He struggled to keep his voice steady as he relayed instructions through the comms unit. There was a long, stressful night ahead of him. There were so many details that could go so awfully wrong, and being the one who had chased down the lead, kept it alive like a flickering, smothering flame, formatted this crazy plan.
They were all depending on him.
To say that the pressure was overwhelming would be an understatement.
He felt Hattori- who he was now the same height as after a particularly excruciatingly agonizing little pill- put a hand on his shoulder, and he heard the words, "Ya got this Kudo."
He took a deep breath.
A small white and red pill sits in the open palm of a girl with strawberry blond hair. It- the pill that is- is the product of many sleepless nights, intense investigation, dangerous risks, shattered hopes, a little luck, and, quite literally, blood, sweat, and tears. The girl looks at him intently, with shadows under her eyes and a touch of nervousness in her expression she couldn't quite conceal.
"You ready?" she asks.
He could've said yes. He could've said no. Either way, he wouldn't be lying. Not then. Not ever.
Not really.
Because the key to his past, the key to his future, the key to the destruction of the entire damned Black Organization that manufactured the APTX in the first place… It was there. Here. Finally.
And honestly, it was overwhelming.
It takes a while for him to answer what should've been a simple question. Eventually, the boy with glasses manages a -small, sad, happy, anxious, hopeful- smile.
"As I'll ever be."
Later, others would recount how flawlessly Kudo Shinichi did that night. How his brilliant and quick thinking, combined with his superb intellect, had saved them from numerous disasters. How brave he was in the face of overwhelming odds and the pressure of the incredibly high stakes.
However, flawless was the last adjective he himself would've used have to describe that night. Much less himself.
Nothing is flawless.
But, he supposed, the probability of everything going so smoothly was so infinitesimally small that the fact that it did was a miracle.
So they called it flawless. Perfect. But again, that was the last thing he'd call it. He could sense all the close calls they'd had, how close to failure and death they'd all been.
But it wasn't until he heard three simple words that everything really, truly went to hell.
"They have Ran."
And Kudo Shinichi didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that the universe clearly hated him oh so much.
Because that was the truth.
Time seemed to freeze. His mind seemed to go into overdrive. Everything seemed to have taken a turn for the absolute worst.
He would've panicked, but that wouldn't have helped anyone. Especially not her.
He would've grieved, but it wasn't the time to. Not if there was there was still hope-always hope. Not if it wasn't over yet.
Not if he still had one, last crazy idea.
This night was full of risks.
And Kudo Shinichi was going to face them all head-on.
"Guys," he says, his voice unwavering, determined. "Change of plans."
Because he had already said his goodbyes.
The crazy idea worked. Just barely. He'd have Kuroba to thank for that. And once again, three words changed everything.
"Ran is safe."
He was the most relieved he'd ever been in his life.
His entire being was awash with a sense of gratitude.
But there was something else too, growing from his chest and burning in his bones, and for once, it wasn't the APTX, poison or antidote.
Because he knew that this fight was yet to be over.
And truth be told, with that simple fact came the realization that he needed this. Needed it to be over. And in more ways than one, Kudo Shinichi knew that he would never be at peace again until it really, truly was. His plan was good, but it wasn't good enough. And with that realization, he could feel with every fibre of his being that he absolutely did not want to back down again, not even as the FBI called them to retreat, not even as what was left of his rational mind concurred with them. Not when they were so, so close. Not when it was right in front of him, and if he could just reach out…
And that's when he saw it.
The door was open. Literally. And he could destroy Them, here and now.
And he knew that doors only stay open for an minuscule amount of time, and that he wasn't going to spend trying to decide what to do. He didn't need to anyways.
Because he had already made his decision a long time ago.
So he didn't look back as he ran away from Hattori and Kuroba and the FBI and the police. From safety. After all, if he wanted safety, he would've stayed away entirely from the perilous investigation. He would've left with his parents to America so long ago. He would've continued his existence as Edogawa Conan, hiding- always hiding. Watching. Waiting. But for what, he'd admit he didn't really know.
Maybe he just wanted a chance.
Maybe he was just sick of living a million lies.
Maybe he just wanted to be free again.
And in those moments that felt like forever, he was aware of everything. He could hear them shouting his name behind him, see the glow of the crescent moon, smell the metallic scent of blood and gunpowder. He feel the air whipping past him as he ran, his shoes pounding on the roof of the old warehouse.
There wasn't a carefully thought out plan to follow through on anymore; just his thoughts, running through his head at a hundred miles an hour.
Everything about that night was so uncertain; yet, this he felt so sure of.
Kudo Shinichi took one last look behind.
And jumped.
Because he'd gladly accept the chance that he could fall if there was also the chance that he could fly.
He remembers simpler times, back when his parents were still in the country. He remembers quiet mornings spent with his father in their grandiose library, reading books intended for people three, four times his age. He remembers watching his mother chop chop chop vegetables for the night's dinner as she recited the lines for a role, her voice resounding through the house.
He remembers back when boring homework was the most he had to worry about.
He remembers running, sometimes among the cherry blossoms, sometimes snow, sometimes gravel, sometimes grass. Not running from anything. Just running. Free.
He remembers being 3 feet tall the first time around, when he first met her and for the first time in his life, he made a heart-racing deduction. He remembers dragging her on various adventures and coming home to a scolding, covered in sometimes bruises, sometimes dirt, sometimes tears, but always a scowl on his face. Because if he didn't, he'd be smiling, and he had his pride to think about back then.
Back then, he could think about his pride.
He remembers how thrilled and ecstatic he'd been the first time he caught the media's attention, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could catch his parent's attention as well from the other side of the world. And then maybe they would be proud of him and come home. But everything was so fragile wasn't it? Just like a house of cards.
He remembers walking to and from school with her, sometimes in the sunshine, sometimes in the rain, and he'd never admit to anyone but her how much he cherished and missed those times.
He remembers feeling frustrated, longing for his old life, back when he was just 'Shinichi,' not Conan.
But they say that hindsight is twenty-twenty, and when he would just stop feeling sorry for himself and look back, he would realize that he was eternally grateful.
Because the APTX didn't kill him. It gave him a second chance and and an opportunity- the opportunity- to bring Them to their knees and set things right.
Because he was able be with her still, even as Conan.
Because he'd been able to meet, befriend, help and be helped by Hattori and Haibara and Genta and Ayumi and Mitsuhiko and even Kuroba through these oddest of circumstances.
Because those circumstances? That was his life. And he would take what he could get and make the most out of it. And be happy with it.
Because it was just this.
All these big things.
All these little things.
All the bad things.
All the good things.
He'd accept it all with a smile.
And in the end, he could not, would not, regret any of the decisions he'd made.
Because he was going to destroy them if it was the last thing he ever did.
He remembers the searing pain of the bullets. He remembers hearing the gunshots a split second afterwards, simply an echo of the night. He remembers seeing red- his favourite colour, he remembers.
He remembers hearing someone say, "It's done. It's over. You did it, Kudo. You did it."
He remembers a mix of emotions- sorrow, accomplishment, gratitude, peace, happiness, but not regret, never regret, not here, not now- overtaking him. Embracing him.
And the last thing he ever saw before the darkness consumed him was her.
Ran.
Because as long as those bloodthirsty animals were out there, like hell he would just stand by and twiddle his thumbs.
Not if he had a chance.
Not if he could help it.