She had her arms around the other girl's middle, her head bent so her chin rested on the blonde's shoulder. The wind blowing through the window rustled the curtains. Santana could feel the breeze brushing her back, blowing the hairs at the nape of her neck that fell loose from her high ponytail. She thought she could feel Brittany's breathing slowing, a sign she was about to fall asleep in her arms but just as the darker girl was ready to relax and fall asleep too she heard Brittany mumble a soft, "I love you." and Santana smiled. She was happy. For the first time in a while she was honestly happy. Maybe things weren't exactly the way they should've been, but that was okay. To have Brittany in her arms and be entirely at peace for that hour was enough.
"San?" Brittany asked, fluttering her eyelids open and stroking the top of the hands that Santana had wrapped around her waist.
"Yeah Britts?" Santana replied, placing a soft kiss on the top of Brittany's head.
"Do you love me?" she asked quietly and shyly. Santana's eyebrows knit together and she frowned. The question confused her but Brittany always had a pinpointed train of thought, no matter how far off on a tangent her idea was.
"Well of course Britt, I love you with all I've got. You know that." She turned her head downwards as Brittany looked up, "What's wrong, B?"Brittany's eyes set downcast again, staring into the floorboards, but still lovingly petting the brunette's hands.
"If you love me and you know you love me, why won't you tell anyone?" Brittany asked, a sadness and apprehension evident in her voice. She heard Santana sigh. "The glee kids won't care. If anything, they already know. It doesn't take your awesome gaydar to tell we love each other. Last year was crazy, but I felt good this summer, like things were finally right." She looked up at Santana, "I don't want anything to change." The brunette sighed again,
"I don't know B..." she said, running a hand through her hair.
"Don't you wanna be with me San?" the blonde asked, frowning.
"Yes, of course Britt!" Santana said shaking the blonde. "More than anything I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand and walk down the hall and I want to sing you love songs in glee and I want to escort you to prom and I want to have dinner with you at Breadstix and be able to play footsie under the table without that old couple next to us giving me a nasty look."
Santana smirked as Brittany chuckled softly, remembering their last get together at Breadstix, where that old couple did more than give them a rude look. Thank god that Sam was working a summer job as a waiter there, or Brittany wouldn't have been able to keep a hold on Santana when she tried to rip the old woman to shreds.
"Hey, " Santana said turning the blonde's head to look up at her. "I love you and I want to be with you. More than anything the world. But it's just a lot more complicated than I think I can handle."
"Your parents..." Brittany said, that sadness reappearing.
"My parents, the football team, Azimio, the glee club," she lifted Brittany off of her and planted her on the ground as she started to pace and continued, speaking faster and faster, "that damn Blaine Warbler who'll give me all those lectures I've already received half of, and though partially helpful still make me want to almost stab his eyes out and stitch his mouth shut every time he tries to convince me that being entirely honest with everyone and with myself about myself would be the best option, even though I know I don't need to come out, I just need you and dear God, don't you see how stressed this makes me? You see this, right? Why can't we just love each other and nothing else?" Santana said, running out of breath and leaning against the side of Brittany's bed. She loved Brittany more than anything, and that was it. Why couldn't that just be it? "Why can't that just be it?" she whispered, sliding down the side of the bed and crumpled on the floor with her legs tucked up under her chin. Tears brimmed at her eyes and she buried her face in her knees.
"Oh San," Britt said rushing to her side and holding her as tears rolled down Santana's prominent cheeks and soft whines were muffled by Brittany's shoulder. She whispered hushing sounds into the smaller girl's ear and rubbed her back soothingly. Santana shook wildly and held onto Brittany with a grip so tight, it could break bones. "Shhh, San calm down. It's okay."
"No it's not Brittany!" Santana said loudly and yanked herself from Brittany. She messily wiped her own face and huffed when all she accomplished was smearing her mascara everywhere. "Everyone says it's okay, but it's not! It's not okay at all! It's not fair! Jewface and Frankenteen get to be all mushy in the halls and no one bothers them. Mike and Tina can sneak kisses in glee club, and dammit now even Mercedes can walk hand in hand with that hunk of chocolate, but I can't take the girl I love anywhere without worrying that my mother will find out." She tried wiping her face again but gave up and collapsed back onto Brittany's shoulder.
Honestly, Brittany was overwhelmed. Never had Santana been so torn up in front of her and not run away. That's what confused her the most, but it almost made her happiest. Now she could be Santana's superhero.
"What do you want Santana?" she said, still rubbing circles in Santana's back.
"You." she heard Santana say. The darker skinned face re-emerged from its hiding place in the crook of Brittany's neck. Pale hands gently wiped away Santana's tears and a small smile pulled at the sad face.
"Here I am, San." Brittany said. "This is what you want? You can have me. And that's it."
"What?" Santana said confusedly.
"Look," Brittany said, pulling the smaller girl into her lap and holding her, "I love you. And I understand how tough this is for you. I mean, not knowing if you'd have a bed to sleep on or a family to come home to if they knew who you really were." Santana frowned and sniffled. She did not need reminding of the madness that was her strict parents and homophobic family members. The madness she called her life. Brittany continued, "So I'll be the consistency in your life for now. If that's okay with you. Nothing will be complicated, you call the shots. You take your time, just let me have you. I just want you."
"Britt, I want you too." Santana said pulling Brittany in for a kiss. It was sweet and intimate and it said a million words that Santana had no energy left to say. Words like "I love you more than I even know." and "You're so perfectly beautiful." and "I don't deserve you." And Brittany understood. She pulled away and smiled.
"But really, B?" Santana asked. Brittany wanted to be officially together so badly. She couldn't believe she was letting her have this time, after all Santana had taken from her, and all of the hurt she'd caused. The sleepless nights in an empty bed, the days without a goodnight text, and the glee rehearsals that went by without any eye contact at all. They'd really hurt Brittany, so much. But she nodded at Santana, a quiet yes.
"I'd wait forever for you Santana. But that's an awful long time..." Brittany said
"No, no. It won't be forever Brittany I promise you. We can go to prom and we can go on double dates and we can go see those Disney movies in 3D and everything, I promise. I just need a little time." she said, the sadness melting off of her face like the ice off of her windshield on an above freezing day. She wanted to hold Brittany so tightly and pepper kisses all over her face, but she could tell Brittany wasn't done. The blonde simply nodded in agreement, the tips of her ears turning a cute pink color as she blushed lightly.
"So what are we right now?" the blonde asked, looking at Santana shyly. Santana looked in Brittany's pretty eyes, a blue so sweet and pure it could make simply anyone smile. So Santana complied, a half smile pulling at her lips and yanking her into absolute bliss with her adorable Brittany. The Brittany who was 100% hers to love.
"Let's just be in love. Okay?" Santana said, moving her head to the side and stretching out her hand for Britt to take. Brittany nodded as a smile went into bloom on her face.
"That sounds good to me." The blonde took Santana's hand and curled up on her lap again, content with just being in her arms, even just until tomorrow when the nightmare that was senior year of high school would begin. "Sing to me, San." she said, closing her eyes and nuzzling into the brunette's side. Santana cleared her throat and began a soft tune that Brittany could recognize, the lyrics making her smile.
I've got sunshine on a cloudy day
When it's cold outside
I've got the month of May
Well I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
Her voice glided smoothly over the words, the blonde in her arms intertwining their fingers. Santana could feel her breath against her chest and continued singing.
My girl, talking bout my girl
I've got so much honey
The bees envy me
I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees
Brittany shifted slightly to look up at Santana and smiled,
"You sing so beautifully San." she said. The brunette smiled down at the taller girl and kissed her softly, a hand stroking Brittany's blonde hair.
My girl
Talking bout my girl.
Mhm.