Title: Acceptance
Rating: K+/PG
Summery: The first couple of months that she'd been at ARC Cutter always said her name, Claudia Brown, as if it was a title, like she deserved the entire name. He said it as if he was whispering to a lover.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
A/N: I just want to warn people before they go any further that this fic has possible spoilers for eps 3.1 3.3. and includes a character death. And as I live in America we've only had the first three eps of the season so forgive any mistakes they may not agree with the series.
I also want to say that I am disappointed by several of the authors on this site for posting spoilers in the outside summery of their fic. Yes, I know, you're in shock and violently disagree with the turn of the show. So if you happen to be one of those, I just want to say: Fuck you very much for ruining the show and the surprises it had in store.
Also, not beta'd, so just point out any mistakes and I'll fix them.
Several days after Stephen's funeral Jenny tracked down Cutter at his office, room dark but save for a small lamp he had on. She stood in the doorway, wanting and not wanting to have this conversation, a conversation that began they day they meet. She'd left her hair down, lightened up on the make-up, it was a Wednesday and Lester had excused them from ARC had told them all to take the day to 'come to terms with their grief.'
She was two steps away from the door, intending to leave when she caught her breath and held it for a few seconds then let it out and walked quickly back to the door and knocked. She had to do this, had to do this before she lost her nerve and she and Cutter would always be on the outs, well, semi outs. Things seem to have gotten better between the two of them over the past year.
She watched as Cutter's head popped up, he seemed surprised that he was in his office as he looked around as if trying to remember where he was. His eyes, she always thought were his best feature, so blue and right now they looked at her with a combination of emotions; surprise, sadness, grief and anger.
He stared at her and his mouth opened and for a beat he looked at a loss for words and then he stuttered, ''J-Jenny, what are you doing here?" His eyes kept flicking back and forth to the fossil he had on his desk to her, roaming over her face and back to his desk. She walked into the room and stood in front of his desk, her eyes falling to the fossil and not understanding it other than it was once a fish.
Helen had said it, she said that she was Claudia in looks, same face, same body, same eyes and same voice and accent but she was different from Claudia Brown in personality. The first couple of months that she'd been at ARC Cutter always said her name, Claudia Brown, as if it was a title, like she deserved the entire name. He said it as if he was whispering to a lover. She took a seat when he motioned his hand to a chair that was covered in books.
Once removed of books, Jenny took a seat and folded her hands in her lap, ankles crossed, unsure how to bring up this conversation, one she knew that caused him pain and her discomfort. She opened her mouth several times and pushed her hair back behind her right ear before baring on. "Helen said I was Claudia Brown. That she really existed." She wanted to say more, ask more but she didn't have the words, didn't know how to make her brain fire on all four cylinders when she was still stuck on 'Claudia Brown was real'.
Nick Cutter seemed to understand, he looked at her, a tired smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes. "Yes, she existed. It seemed that when we went through the Anomaly, we changed something, something went wrong and in this world you weren't born Claudia but Jenny." She understood that, there was always theories about changing something in the past and it could affect the future.
Jenny's neck felt tense, turning sore with the will to not treat this as if she was were a bowling ball heading for the pins. "Do...do you wish I was her?" That she needed to know. They had been through a lot the past several days, she had to know if he still hated or disliked her. He inhaled sharply and looked at her, eyes almost comically wide and she had her answer. "I see." Her throat and voice tight.
"Jenny...." He said her name in a whisper, an inner conflict plain on his face. "I used to. I used to wish it, so that I could have my Claudia back." Jenny could feel tears build in her throat, feel them start to moisture her eyes. He loved her. He had loved Claudia Brown.
She looked up, she hadn't noticed she had been staring at her hands, and found him watching her. His eyes intense, almost predatory like. It used to unnerve her the way he would watch her, made her uncomfortable until one day when he was out of the office and she was there she realized that she missed it. The weight of his gaze, the heat of it. She knew he was thinking of the person she wasn't but for awhile it was fun to pretend that a man that wasn't her fiancée found her that desirable.
"Did you love her?" The words were out of her mouth before she had a chance to think about them. His eyes crinkled at the corner, the only sign of his smile. He leaned back in his chair, fingers laced across his stomach as he looked at her. "Claudia Brown was the first woman in a long time since my wife that I thought more of than as an acquaintance. First woman that I kissed that I wanted more from than a one night stand. I admired her, she stood up to me, to Lester and she got into the middle of things. Our first meeting she went into the fire even after knowing what it was. There was a lot to Claudia that I was wanting to find out."
Jenny watched him as he spoke of Claudia and saw the joy, love and pride in his face and eyes. For the first time since he called her Claudia Brown, she didn't hate the name, didn't find it insulting that this brilliant, sad and nearly broken man called her another women's name. She finds she doesn't mind being called by a name that he admires and loves.
She stood up and he followed suit quickly and walked around his desk so that he stood in front of her. She looked at him, her first genuine smile since Stephen's funeral and the meeting with Helen. And since figuring out her feelings.
"Good-bye, Nick. Thank you for telling me." She makes it to the door and turns back around, one hand on the door jam and looked over at him. "I wouldn't mind being called Claudia. Not anymore." And with one last smile in his directions she walks back to her car in the lot.
*~*~*~*~*
Several months after that encounter Jenny Lewis stood, with people she now considered family, over Nick Cutter's grave. Her heart heavy in grief and filled with hate. Grief over Nick, of never being able to find out if he might have given them a chance and wanting to know if he saw her as Jenny or saw her as Claudia. Despite the conversation that they had she needed to be absolutely sure before she tired anything with him that he saw her as an separate entity, as someone who may have shared Claudia's looks but a person completely separate from her. Hate she felt, hate for Helen Cutter. She hated her for stealing this brilliant and passionate man from them, for making a clone, for killing Stephen, for blowing up ARC and for making them all orphans.
She would never be able to tell Cutter what she wanted to, never be able to tell him 'hey, I might fancy you', never get that drink that they had rain checked so many months ago. Breaking if off with Mark didn't leave her feeling this hollow, this bereft. All she and the others could do was look around and wonder who would help guide them in the wonderful, dangerous and adventurous job.
All she and Connor and Abby could do is hold their heads up and make Nick Cutter proud by completing the task they started.