A/N: I just noticed that virtually every parody of Evangelion always have this formula: Shinji and Asuka as the straight man and woman, maybe with Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki or Toji and Kensuke, with everyone else coming out as lunatics in the most insane world possible. Rei as the deadpan snarker or no social skill girl, Gendo as pure lunatic, incredibly incompetent commander of NERV, or just doing ridiculous, unexpected things like playing DOA games with Fuyutsuki, Misato as supreme drunkard etc.
But what if everybody acts like everything's normal when the whole thing isn't? What if only one person who acts like the only survivor of the most secluded loony pin from Pakistan, even though everything's more bizzare than said place?
There was a movie like that before. It's called Airplane and Naked Gun. And god, it's glorious.
So here we are, reading the attempt to make the super serious Evangelion silly like the other parodies. Only with the cast acting like they're in a serious situation, just like Airplane. Well...except for Johnny. Or Maya, in this case.
Oh, and this shit's based on Rebuild 1.11. In the case of the parody, the gags on the angel battles will be based mostly on Airplane, while the cast's daily life will be based mostly on Naked Gun.
Characters:
Shinji: Ted from Airplane!. Like Ted, his angst made people want to burn, shoot, and maimed themselves just to make it stop...and he also has drinking problem. He's basically Ted from Airplane with inspired antics from Nielsen's other characters.
Rei: Elaine from Airplane! and Nordberg from Naked Gun. Yes. She's the resident's source of slapstick and Shinji's love interest at the same time. Bizzare, isn't it? She's a bit cold than Elaine so she still acts a bit like the Rei we know, but she's still much sweeter initially. I initially want to make Asuka as slightly bitchier Elaine so i can make AsukaXShinji story, but i realized that it would not make sense to have Asuka in the beginning, and i also realized that Elaine is a bit like Rei (both blindly follow the authority before the truth sink in...although it's very late in Rei's case.). Anyway, i already had Commando Asuka in my mind, so here you go.
Misato: McCroskey from Airplane! and shared her role with Ritsuko as Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen, yaay!), as well as shared Rex Cramer from Airplane with Gendo (the car scene only).
Ritsuko: Shared her role with Misato as Dr. Rumack and also played Mayor Barkley from Naked Gun. The only human being who (sometimes) embarassed from the whole shenanigans...even though she's weird in other senses. That is, her inner mind.
Gendo: Rex Cramer from Airplane! and sometimes Captain Hocken (the bald, reasonable boss) from Naked Gun, and sometimes the cruel guys like the interviewee from Airplane who said: I said, let them crash! Yes. He's bipolar in this one. Because of his hands.
Bridge Bunnies: The pilots, with Maya as Johnny, the only character who legitly insane, and ironically, because of the whole thing's insanity, she become the only character who know the fact that the whole thing is comedy...although Gendo maybe a lunatic too, but in different kind of lunatic.
Where's Asuka? Answer: The whole thing will parodied RoE 1.11 first, so no redhead babe, sorry. See? I've told you that the story will make no sense if i did the pairing.
Evangelion! From the Files of NERV Squad- Surely you can (not) be serious
Alternate Title: Evangelion 1.23: I'm serious! And you can (not) call me Shirley
"Um, Misato-san, where are we going again?"
"We're going to save the world, kid. Those darn angels finally come to this world, ready to end the world as we know it."
"Oh. I see."
The car just came out of the gate of the circus act, runned over one of the clown with unicycle. Ignored the asshole who just screamed 'asshole!' to her, Misato continued her little chats with Shinji.
"See the monster up there, Shinji? That thing's called angel. The third one, in fact. We just dropped two N2 bomb against it, and it barely even scratched him."
Shinji looked at behind him. An infamous stock footage of Godzilla used his super tail dropkick in his fight against Megalon popped out. It keep repeated itself until the next footage coming out.
"What happened to the first and second Angel?"
"The second one was trapped into Terminal Dogma, right below the Geofront. You can see it with me later, if that mopey thingy from your psychology card was true after all. You know, for motivational shit. The ticket only cost like 2 dollars, by the way. 10 dollars if you want the chance to poke it with a stick. The thing looks softer than marshmallow sometimes, so sometimes the visitor can't help it, and we can't just shoot them right at the moment."
"Oh..."
"And about the first one, Shinji? Only god who know."
A very large breeze suddenly come into the road where Shinji and Misato were, nearly wrecked the car and completely destroyed the little remains of the sushi bar that Misato just ran over. Meanwhile, Kaji shuddered and decided to go to the doctor, missing from the whole movie as a result. The imagination of him running a cult suddenly passed on his mind for no reason at all.
"I don't know if i'm the right person to do this, Misato..."Angsted Shinji, as the stock footage now gone, replaced with images of very swervy roads.
"Oh, come on, kid! Your father has chosen you to pilot the EVA! Isn't that great?"Misato reached for Shinji with her left arm, while her other arm reached for the dashboard. Amazingly, the car still not crashed into something yet despite the purple-haired's mayhem from the earlier, more normal entry of roads and building blocks.
"I'm only a civilian. I'm not even trained in sports and martial arts activity. I'm a wuss. I don't deserves this."
"But Shinji-"
"And we're late by four hours from our schedule, Misato."
Cue the flashback scene where Shinji waited in the taxi. The cab driver, who happened to be a man with ponytail, saw his former girlfriend in the front of the shelter, so he tried to catch off to her. We don't know on how he mistook a certain hallucination of a blue-haired albino girl as his former girlfriend, but it seems that he took a wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
"I'll give them twenty more minutes, but that's it."
Back to the present...
"And those four hours could be used for my preparations, like training for this EVA thing. Now how could i defeat that thing if i'm not even trained for it? Misato, i'm afraid to say it, but we're screwed."Said Shinji, before a gigantic screwdriver fall near them.
"I'm sorry for my lacks of professionalism, Shinji. It was my fault that we become late from our schedule. But your old man was right. You have the potential for it, and i believe every words he says. Why else would he chose you over thousands of other potential pilots?"
Shinji was still unconvinced, being an introverted man like he's. Then again, some people in Geofront claimed that he's a menace to even the ants out there, so maybe he's right. Then again and again, those people were phoned their aquintances with bananas, so it would be convenient to say that they were wrong about Shinji.
"You know, what? Forget about training and stuff like that, Shinji! I believe that you can handle this as soon as you get the giant robot into your feet. You are the prodigy!"Said Misato, as she began to take control of the wheel again after she finished her meal from the dashboard. Soon, she run over Liam Howlett, Maxim and Keith Flint who were reading Playboy magazine.
"I see what you mean, Misato."
"Good. I know that all you need, is motivation, kid."Said Misato, as the scenery behind them changed into battlefield of war between shoguns and indians. Shinji could've swore that the shoguns have a lightsaber battle with the indians, but that's not important right now.
Some silence took off between both of them for a moment or two, with several new victims from Misato's hit and run activity blended with the background war between Sith Shoguns and Jedi Indians, resulted in slicing of their limbs, making the status of the stock footage questionable at best. Again, Shinji could've swore that she just hit the earlier clown, and this time he yelled 'jackass!' to both of them instead. But being the ordinary boy he's, he decided to talk about the tragedy behind his life.
"Misato, i need to tell you something..."
"I was foolish...i was naive...and i want to know everything. It's just like using wasabi for your toothbrush without any knowledge about wasabi's taste in your nose. So when my father bought me the rabbit when i became seven years old kid, in my birthday, i gave it carrots. Heh. Who knows that carrot's actually not good for rabbit. It died within a week. I'm such a baka..."(A/N: True Story...although it was my sister's experience. Fuck you, Bugs Bunny!)
As Shinji told his tenth angst story, Misato already done three things. First, she declared that she picked the wrong day to quit Yebisu. Second, she doused gasolines over her body, and sprayed some of them on Shinji's mouth as well. Third, she searched desperately for matches, and failed in that. After that, she was trying desperately to make some sparks from the cables on her cars, which would've succeeded if it wasn't for the fact that they were already arrived at the NERV when she finally managed to make one.
Luckily, with the car not being handled by Misato, they managed to find their way into NERV without any other crash. Well...except at the end, where they knocked a fishing guy from the artificial bay when Misato didn't use the brake fast enough. For the third time, Shinji could've swear that the fishing guy sounds familiar with the earlier clown. His suspicion only arose as the guy screamed 'Fuck You!' to them. Misato answered by flipping a bird...literally. No one knew on how Misato had a bird in the dashboard for this occasion in the first place. But for Shinji, the important thing right now is to get into the fucking robot as soon as possible.
"Royal flush. I win again."
"Shit. You're too good at this, Rei the fifth."
"You're not bad actually, Rei the twentieth."
The Rei clones were having fun in their Reiquarium. These earlier two were just playing one of the available activity in their LCL filled tube. Four of them were reading lifestyle magazine, while the others in the corner were playing volleyball, and another two were playing chess. There's even some of them that were wearing MLG-related stuffs while playing in their PS4, Xbox One and PC. Ever since NERV decided to make waterproof clothing, magazines, games and electronic stuffs for their funding, the Rei clones got new purpose in their existance outside of just another life preservation for Rei, as play-tester for the stuffs they're going to sell.
This's better than hearing their creepy laugh over and over again. I don't understand at how soulless bodies seemed more happy than me, but now they're...reeducated, i can continue my imagination at Gendo-sempai, me and some honey and the bees without any distraction. Thank you, stranger from Chinese. Hmm..what's his name again? Tang...sun? Ah, whatever.
As Ritsuko's brain imagined those imagination of shaving together with Gendo, a call into the deep secret of NERV were made, which forced her to receive the call.
"Yes, it's Ritsuko...Misato got lost again, eh? Hmm...in sector-25? Okay. I'll pick her up there."
"Allright, girls! Please behave when i'm gone."
"Yes, mam!"Said all the reis, with the exception of some of them that busy perfected their parody of Salmon Dance from Chemical Brothers, entitled Cloning Dance. After all, Gendo needs a good explanation to his son once the current Rei dead and got replaced, and a good parody will make everything easier to digest for him. At worst, it will just make him even more confused.
"So, guys...do you think that...human having sex with us is equal with bestiality? I mean..."
"Nah. Our DNA are too similar. 99.89, remember? We're human after all."
"Oh. And...how much does Yui Ikari's DNA that got donated into us?"
"Dunno. 5 or 10%? All i know is that doing the younger Ikari's at worst felt like screwing your distant relative."
"Ah...so, you know what i'm talking about."
"Of course, the designated Rei III. We know that you're oggling at that cute wimp."
"Hei, Third."Said the other clone who was listening on them.
"I thought that you like your man like your coffee. Strong, sweet and hot?" She continued.
"Nah. I like them grinded and liquified."
Awkward silence coming out from the tank, including the Cloning choir, who just got into the line about percentages of Lilith and human's DNA in Rei's body in place for the salmon's ability to live in fresh and salt water. They just decided that the lines of living in normal water and LCL water is not making sense at all.
"Ah...so...you girls up for Shogi?"
"Misato..."
"Yes, kid?"
"Why we stopped here? And why's there a very big radar that said :Misato-pattern detected while bleeping and honking violently at us?"
"WHAT?"
Shinji just pointed at the radar, knew that his weak voice wouldn't be able to defeat the 200db sounds of honking alarms. Stupid weak me, said Shinji.
"Oh, that? Just wait."
After several moments of loud honks from all over the place, finally the faux-blonde scientist showed up.
"The new system work perfectly."Said the woman.
"This new system is an unecessary addition to the Geofront, Doctor Akagi."
"Which one, Misato? The one that detected a lost personel, or the one that detected lost Misato?"
"Mine. I don't want to endure yet another humiliation regarding my lacks of directional senses."
"Fine, we'll just incorporated it later. So, anyway, Shinji, the third child..."
"Yes?"
"Let's hurry up. Can't predict any shit that will going down now, are we?"
With that, a very big piece of shit fall behind them.
"Yes. We can't"
A/N: Haha, sorry for the short chapter, but i just want to know if i can nailed the scenes right. Also, sorry for the recycled jokes from those spoof movies, but i want it to be a clusterfuck of references to spoof movies. Leave reviews for this chapter so i can improve it, please?
Also, sorry for the Reiquarium jokes that seemed out of place, but since they're still inhuman, i decided to have a bit of departure in their jokes compared to the other scenes.
By the way, here's the teaser for the next chapter.
Shinji was enthraled at the bandaged goddess who was standing in the front of the door. Her white, porcelaine like skin just made her beautiful face even more stunning. Her unusually colored eyes were striking as if they asked his soul to be sucked inside her. Her skintight suit only accentuated her shapely, smoking hot body with long legs, wide hips and all even further. He was locked in trance of his mind at her beauty, ignoring the fact that her legs have two sets of knee-caps for each legs, or that her body was indeed, produced smokes.
And then, the horror happened.
Some bastards with hospital bed runned over her, caused her to whimpering in pain. Shinji was shocked. Shinji was angry. Shinji was gasped.
"Sir! We can't find Ayanami anywhere! Oh! There she is."
"Oww..."
"My god. What did i tell you about running around the facility in this condition?"Said the doctor as he placed her in the bed with ferocious force, caused another moan from her.
"Nurse, raise her legs."
The nurse obliged, but her effort only made everything worse. The bandaged beauty got her legs support raised to the max, resulting in a loud gasp and a sound of crunching bones from her legs.
"Geez! Give me that, you incompetent fool! You should've been ashamed at your inability to operate such a simple device."
The doctor lowered Rei's leg support, only to caused it dropped to the lowest position in less than 0.05 second.
"Dammit! I knew we have to scheduled the bed condition checking first!"