"Come on Padfoot," James said, quietly, praying his best friend had got his message.
"He'll be there," Lily said comfortingly. They were crouching in a darkened closet that was right outside the Department of Mysteries.
"I had one thing to do," James said, the regret evident in his voice. "One thing and I failed."
There were footsteps and James muttered a spell that allowed them to see through the door, desperately hoping it was Sirius. The two young rebels held their breath as the figures in the dark cloaks passed.
"You would think that they would at least try not to dress like criminals, Lily said. "With all that black and those weird masks. They're practically saying 'hey I think you should put me in prison.'"
"Well technically," James said, with a small smile. "We're the ones who're the criminals now. Aren't we?"
"I suppose so," Lily agreed unwillingly.
"So what do your parents think?" James asked, confident the Death Eaters weren't coming back.
"About what?" Lily asked.
"All of this," he said.
"Do you really think I tell them anything?" Lily said scoffing. "They think I'm living in Leeds. And how would that conversation go anyway. 'Hi Mum and Dad, remember when I told you it was completely okay for me to go to a magical school and not learn any other possibly skills because I would be able to find a job in the magical world? Well now I can't exactly do that because there's an insane totalitarian dictator who's taken over the magical world and outlawed my kind. So instead I spend my nights sneaking into government buildings and stealing files. Oh I also occasionally bomb things but only occasionally."
"Yeah I see why that might be a problem," James said grimacing.
"What about you?" she asked. "Does Mummy know what you're doing at night?"
"I think she does," James confessed. "Only she never ever talks about it. I think she's hoping if she does talk about it, it won't be true. And that's how this whole mess started in the first place. No one willing to talk about what was going on."
Lily's face hardened a little. Because what James said was utterly and completely true. She thought back to her first year out of Hogwarts, when things had really started to get bad.
There had been stories of things happening for months, especially in the north. There had been Muggle baiting in Yorkshire that everyone just dismissed as a one off thing. But then Muggleborns had started dropping like flies and one day the government announced that all Muggleborns and half bloods had to register.
But Lily didn't go. Her boyfriend warned her. He told her they were bad.
"Don't go," Lily," he said, real fear in his grey eyes. "They'll lock you up and hurt you. They'll destroy your mind and your spirit. I grew up with these people. They're ruthless."
"What should I do then?" she asked. "It's a law for Merlin's sake. If I don't go they'll arrest me anyway."
"I'm working on it," he said quickly. "I've spoken to Dumbledore. He said he's going to give you a place to hide."
"Its that Order thing again isn't it?" she asked. "Please don't. At least not for me. They're a terrorist group. They just blew up Franklin Knotgrass. And you've already given them so much. You've become a different person. A-a killer." She stuttered a little on the last words.
"Franklin Knotgrass was responsible for the deaths of thirty-seven Muggleborns, And anyone I've ever removed has deserved it," Sirius said, his expression serious. "And I am not doing this for you. I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do."
"Have they given you an assignment?" Lily asked, both incredibly frightened and oddly proud.
"Greyback," he said, his expression flat. "He needs to go."
"When will you be back?" she asked, worriedly.
"Three days tops," he said, relaxing his expression and entwining his fingers in hers. "And then pack your bags because we're getting out of here. The only reason they haven't come for you yet is because-"
"Of Cissa," she said. "I know. But when they find out that you're the one who's been knocking their allies off they're going to come for both of us."
"We still have some time," he said comfortingly. "I'll be back soon and we'll get out of here."
"Be safe," she said. "I'll be waiting right here."
But she wasn't because that night the men in black came and took her away.
"Are you alright?" James asked, noticing her abstraction.
"I'm fine," she said, shaking her head as if trying to clear it. "I was just…thinking."
James looked almost painfully understanding.
"Padfoot'll be here soon," he said. "And I'm sorry I put him through this. I know you don't need anything more to worry about."
"I'm fine," Lily said, lying through her teeth. "And you didn't put him through anything. If he wasn't here he would be doing something equally dangerous somewhere else."
"I know," James said. "But still."
"I sometimes thinks he feels like he has something to prove," Lily said slowly. "Because of Cissa. And well… the rest of them."
"You still call her Cissa,"James noted. "Not 'evil bitch Malfoy'."
"Well they were friends weren't they?" Lily said. "Her and Sirius? I think apart from Andie he liked her the best."
"And then her husband put you in jail and her sister tortured you for days," James said a little harshly.
Her eyes widened a little and she unconsciously stepped back, her back hitting the wall of what genuinely was a very small broom closet.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly, feeling guilt well up in his chest. "I didn't mean…"
"Its okay," Lily said, as the high-pitched laughter of Bellatrix Lestrange echoed in her head.
"Want some more?" she used to ask. And then before Lily could answer she would scream," Crucio."
Lily would scream and she would practically pray for oblivion. For when the pain would become too much and her body would shut down. Because at least then she was free. That was until someone said "Enervate." And she would have to do it all again.
"No its not," he said, taking her shaking hands in his own. "I was so far out of line-"
"I sometimes still hear her you know," Lily said, her voice distant. "Where is Sirius Black? She asked me again and again. I had to tell her I didn't know. And how did she find out anyway. He was so careful. The Black Arrow they called him. I always laughed. A ridiculous nickname."
"Worse than Padfoot?" James asked, desperately trying to pull her out of her memories of pain.
"Worse than Padfoot," she said firmly, her expression going back to normal.
James hated it when Lily fell into these moods. It was strange because he technically supposed he didn't know her very well. He still remembered pulling her out of that hellhole of a prison.
She was pale. James had never seen Sirius this worried before.
"At least she's alive," James had said, as they carried Lily's unconscious body out of Azkaban.
"Twelve days," Sirius, almost growled. James could practically feel the anger radiating off him. "I want to kill them."
"You did," James said. "You walked in there. The scourge of the Death Eaters and you saved your girl. They're going to write songs about this mate. And she's safe now. With us. She's home Padfoot."
"She'll never be safe properly," he said wearily. "Will she? Not with those nutters still out there. Still in charge." And for a second James wondered what had happened to his light-hearted best friend who used to enjoy egging the Slytherin Quidditch team.
And when Lily woke up James saw exactly why Sirius had changed. Why he was now so passionate about the Cause. Because Lily Evans was incredible. And as guilty as he felt he still couldn't help falling a little bit in love with her. But it didn't matter. Because she loved Sirius. And one day songs would be written about that kind of love. Because storming Azkaban to save the girl you love is epic.
"Where is he?" James said worriedly. "He was supposed to be here ten minutes ago."
"Well Sirius isn't exactly the most punctual," she said. "Its just who he is. Doesn't really change much."
"Oh I don't know," James said with a hint of a smile. "He's been full of surprises recently.
Lily blushed. "I don't know what you mean," she said.
"You know when he told me he was staging a rescue mission for some bird I wasn't too surprised," James said, conversationally. "I mean he likes saving people. I honestly figured he was just playing the hero because it's his favourite thing to do."
"Maybe he was," Lily said lightly, to hide the guilt she felt. Because Sirius had gone through seven levels of hell to save her, so these feelings she had been having recently were…well…wrong.
"Oh he wasn't," James said. "You should've seen him. I don't think I've ever seen Padfoot so nervous."
"You have such weird nicknames for each other," Lily said, feeling oddly uncomfortable. "I mean Prongs?"
"It was a school thing," James said. "It's a pity you weren't in our year."
"Sorry for being born in a different decade," Lily teased. "I must've missed out on some fun."
Just then there was a tap on the door. Lily and James froze.
"Mischief managed," someone said into the door and it opened.
"You're late," Lily said, trying to look severe.
"Sorry love," Sirius unruffled by her expression. "I got a little sidetracked."
"Is that blood?" Lily asked, running her eyes over his stained robes.
"Most of it isn't mine," he said. "Come on. I have the files. And everything's in place. We have to get out of here now."
"Going so soon cousin?" a slightly unhinged voice said and Lily felt a chill go down her spine.
"Y'know Bella," Sirius said casually, turning around to face his dark haired nemesis. "As enjoyable as your company always is, I think I'm going to give it a miss today."
"Hand over the files," she commanded. "And then maybe I won't kill you slowly and painfully."
"But I've gone through so much trouble to get them," Sirius said with a pout. And drawing his wand as quick as a flash yelled, "Incarcerous."
His cousin turned the ropes into snakes with a flick of her wand and sent them Lily's way. Lily was ready however and threw a counter curse at Bellatrix, sending her spinning back into the group of Death Eaters that were standing behind her all of whom hadn't managed to draw their wands yet.
They quickly exited the broom closet and stood in the classic we're-facing-too-many-Death-Eaters position which, unfortunately seemed to be a position they were in quite often these days.
"I'll take the Mudblood," Bellatrix spat, her wild black hair making her look even more deranged. "You get rid of my beloved cousin and his ridiculous sidekick."
"Oi I'm not the sidekick," James said, throwing a curse at the Death Eater that barreled towards him. "We're partners."
"I'm afraid I am superior Prongs," Sirius smirked as he dispatched a burly Death Eater with a jelly-legs jinx.
Meanwhile Lily and Bellatrix were locked in a dangerous battle. There were red and green bursts of light being flung between them and the air seemed to grow warmer as the intensity of the battle increased.
"Enough," Bellatrix shouted, and suddenly Lily felt every single bad experience she had ever had in her life come rushing back to her. She saw her sister screaming at her as she told Lily that she never wanted to see her again. She heard her grandmother's rattling last breaths and she heard Bellatrix Lestrange screaming at her, asking her where Sirius Black was.
She heard someone bellowing, "Expecto Patronum." And all of a sudden she didn't feel that drained anymore. She still couldn't get up though. The echo of those memories ringing in her brain.
There was a large translucent stag that galloped up and head-butted the large cloaked figure that looked like it was levitating.
"Dementors?" Sirius yelled. "Are you insane Bella?"
"The Dark Lord has made allies," she said. "And we need someone to guard Azkaban after you so rudely destroyed out defenses."
"Well tell your Dark Lord he can go fuck himself," Sirius muttered and prepared to send what Lily was quite certain was a Killing Curse toward Lestrange.
She let out a spiteful giggle and deflected it.
"We have to get out of here now," Sirius shouted and Lily forced herself to stand up.
She sent a hex toward Bellatrix Lestrange who looked rather shocked that someone who had just been subjected to Dementors could even get up and fight.
"Well well," she said sneeringly. "The Mudblood has some fire in her. Didn't seem that way when you screaming on my floor begging me to end your life. Well I am very happy to oblige now."
"Shut up," Lily said through gritted teeth throwing a Stinging Hex at Bellatrix's face, which hit its mark. She screeched as her face began to swell.
"We have to get out now," Sirius shouted. "I completed my mission. If we don't leave now we're dead." He had dealt with the other Death Eaters while James handled the Dementors.
They ran down the corridor and attempted to apparate away.
"Fuck," Sirius swore. "They've put their wards up."
"Find a fireplace," James said shortly as they heard the Death Eaters regrouping.
They ran all the way down to the foyer and James pulled green powder out of his cloak. He handed some to Lily and Sirius quickly and pointed his wand at the fireplace muttering "Incendio."
"Go to our old apartment," Sirius said, quickly. "Its empty. I checked. And we can't lead them to the Headquarters."
"Well that'll make a good story to tell our grandkids," Sirius said as they dusted themselves off. "The Death Eaters will be arriving soon so we had better get out of here."
They apparated to the dingy little house in Wilmington that served as the Order's Headquarters. A pretty redheaded witch with a round face, who immediately enveloped the three of them in a hug, greeted them at the door.
"Where have you been?" she asked, rather reproachfully. "We were worried sick. Especially since this was supposed to be a two man mission. Arthur and I were ten seconds away from coming-"
"Now now Molly," her husband said, interrupting her. "Let them breathe."
"There's dinner on the table," she said. "Its your favourite Sirius. Roast beef and potatoes."
"Marry me Molly," he said dramatically and followed her and Arthur into the dining room.
"Good work out there," James said to Lily as they were hanging up their cloaks.
"You too," she said. "Though I was a little useless against those Dementors. And you and Sirius took out about five people between you. I couldn't even get rid of Bellatrix."
"Are you kidding?" James said, incredulously. "If you don't die in the first ten seconds in a fight against Lestrange you're doing a good job. To hit her in the face with a Stinging Hex is…well…exceptional."
"Thank you," Lily said quietly. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this life. I mean Sirius is good at it. This war, I think it's making him a better person. One with more drive and focus. But I don't know about me. I could've sent an Avada Kedavra her way and she'd be gone. But I couldn't. I can't-"
"Kill?" James finished. "It's alright if you can't. There's nothing wrong with compassion or sympathy or any of that stuff. It's why we fight. So people can have that option."
"But we don't have that option now and Bellatrix is still out there killing and torturing and I could've stopped her."
"When you kill a little bit of your soul gets ripped away from you and drifts away," James said, his voice oddly distant. "Having a soul like yours Lily, that's whole and complete, is never a bad thing. I choose to destroy a little bit of myself every time I put down a Death Eater because I want my child or children to live in a world where they don't need to make that sacrifice."
"Are you saying I'm selfish?" Lily asked, frowning a little.
"Just the opposite," James said, looking her straight in the eye. "You value human life above everything and that's admirable. You're admirable."
Lily held his gaze for a few seconds and looked down. "I'll need to do it eventually," she mumbled.
"Maybe you will, maybe you won't," he said, holding her by the chin, and raising her head so she was looking at him again. "But always remember that there's never any shame in not taking a life."
They stood in that position feeling a sort of electric current pass through them. Never had so many nerves been present and active on Lily's face. She felt herself getting lost in James' hazel eyes, briefly wondering what it would be like to drag her fingers through his messy dark hair and hold him close as he kissed her on and on.
Terrified by that though Lily moved away. "We should probably get to dinner," she said, her voice not entirely stable.
"Yeah," James said, his voice several decibels lower than it usually was.
Sirius Black was many things. He had been called a lunatic, brave, a blood traitor, daring and (by quite a few female members of the Hogwarts population) dreamy. But one thing Sirius Black certainly was not, was stupid. So when he saw his girlfriend and his best friend sharing impassioned glances over the pudding he knew exactly what was going to happen. But for some reason he just couldn't let her go. Because she was Lily Evans and even though she could be bossy and crabby, she was his everything. A part of his soul belonged to her and he knew if he lost her he would lose that too. So he just watched and waited for the inevitable because even though she was falling in love with another man, at least for the time being she was still his. And he wasn't going to do anything to hurry that inevitable.
Lily ran down the alleyway and through a puddle getting completely soaked.
"You alright?" James yelled, as the crouched behind opposite corners.
"I'm fine," she yelled, and threw a curse at the oncoming Death Eaters.
"Are you sure," he asked, as he too knocked down a couple of them with a well-placed Deprimo. "That cut looks pretty deep."
"Stop asking how I am," she yelled. "Apparate out of here."
"We don't have any of them," he said, desperately. "We were supposed to get rid of Greyback."
"If Sirius couldn't do it I highly doubt we can," Lily said. "Get out of here."
"The safe house in Chiswick," James yelled, afraid to be more specific lest he give away the position to the Death Eaters.
"Got it," she said and she closed her eyes and felt the familiar tugging in her stomach as she apparated away.
James quickly followed her, but not before sending a couple of jinxes into the crowd of Death Eater.
"Merlin I do not want to do that again," he groaned as he practically collapsed on the front stairs.
"Lily Evans," Lily enunciated clearly into the door. "Member of the Order number 7589."
"James Potter," he said, standing next to her. Member of the Order number 6348."
"I always liked your number more than mine," Lily said meditatively as they stepped into the comfortable glow of the safe house and its fires, which started as they entered. "It has nice symmetry."
"I'm all about symmetry," James said, actually collapsing on to the stuffy comfortable couch and throwing off his cloak.
"Ah," Lily winced as she touched the side of her face.
"Here," James said, gesturing for her to sit next to him. "Let me do that."
"No I'll be fine," she said pushing away his hand.
"You won't," he said. "It'll scar if you don't let me fix it. You know facial injuries are harder to sort out."
"I said I can do it myself," Lily said firmly and picked up her wand.
"Why won't you let me help you?" James demanded, suddenly not feeling so tired.
"Because I don't need any help," she said. "I'm not some damsel in distress you have to constantly save. Both you and Sirius." But the minute she said that she regretted it.
"You? A damsel in distress?" James asked, incredulously. "You just took out seven Death Eaters. And you've only just started doing this a couple of months ago. Me helping you fix your face doesn't make you a damsel in distress."
"Fine," she said, with bad grace. "Do it."
James gently ran his wand over the side of her face and the skin that had been practically ripped off, began to reform. He conjured a wet cloth out of thin air and began gently rubbing the blood off her face. There was something oddly intimate about the moment. And Lily felt the need to say something.
"I'm not ungrateful you know," she said. "Sirius saved my life and I'm not ungrateful."
"He loves you," James said, putting the bloody cloth down, but neither of them moved away from each other. "He doesn't want your gratitude. He just wants your love."
"And that's why sometimes I resent him," Lily practically whispered.
"You shouldn't," James said, unable to meet her eye, because lately he had been resenting his best friend quite a bit too.
"I know," Lily said, her expression something akin to grief. "I don't want to resent him."
"He loves you," James said again, more for himself than for her. "He does."
"And that's what makes this so hard," she said, and then as if unable to control herself she pressed her lips to his.
She felt him respond as the kiss deepened. His hands made their way around her torso and he was holding her so tight she could feel every bit of him.
"I'm sorry," she said, breaking away from his for a second. "I'm so-" but before she could finish her words, she was cut off by a kiss that was far hungrier than the last. He crushed her lips under his pushing her down against the couch so he was on top of her. She could feel herself trembling with anticipation as she pulled his white cotton t-shirt over his head. He soon divested her of her t-shirt as well and kissed his way down to her neck.
James was wonderfully urgent, Lily thought, through a haze of lust. With Sirius it was entirely the opposite. There was never anything rushed about the slow, rather sensuous sex that occurred. But with James it was almost like he couldn't wait. His obvious want made him seem even more attractive. And so what if he was a little sloppy? Every time his mouth touched any part of her she felt real, actual sparks. She moaned his name and she felt, as she had not felt in a very long time, entirely and completely whole.
They sat on the couch almost unable to look each other in the eye. Lily felt racked with guilt because she had done the unthinkable and now she wanted to die. James wasn't feeling too chipper himself, realising that in a very short space of time he had probably destroyed two of the only important relationships in his life. They dressed in silence.
"What are we going to do?" Lily asked softly, still not looking at James.
"What do you want to do?" he asked, unsure of whether he wanted her to tell him she loved him and would leave Sirius tonight or tell him that she was going to stay with Sirius forever.
"I can't hurt him like this," she said, her voice breaking a little. "I don't have the right to."
"Neither can I," James sighed, ignoring the gut-wrenching anguish he suddenly felt.
They flooed to Wilmington and Sirius was sitting in front of the fireplace.
"Run into any trouble?" he asked, seeing their rather morose expressions.
"Not really," Lily said.
"Death Eaters cut open her face a bit but I fixed it up," James said with a shrug. "Otherwise nothing to report."
"I'm exhausted," Lily said with a yawn. "I'm heading up to bed."
"Join you in a couple of minutes," Sirius called to her retreating back. "You alright Prongs?"
"Fine," James said, feeling exactly the opposite.
Sirius sighed. "I know," he said, rather flatly.
"What?" James asked, his heart sinking.
"I know what you've done," he said, with an almost painful smile. "We've been mates for more than fifteen years now. Do you really think I can't tell when you've had sex?"
James flinched at his words. "Padfoot I-"
"You're my brother," Sirius said, rather unexpectedly. "And nothing you ever do is going to make me love you any less. But I'm so sorry mate. I can't let her go."
"I know," James muttered. "I'm not asking you to."
"You couldn't pick anyone else?" he asked, sounding more hurt than angry. "Anyone else?"
"It just sort of happened," James said. "I swear if I could go back I'd try not to let it happen. But I'd probably fail. Again."
"I'm sorry," Sirius repeated. "But I can't let her go."
a/n: So this is actually a oneshot that I wrote after I came across this post on tumblr. Its very AU and not my style at all. So much drama for one. Though I'm not one to shy away from drama this is literally just angst. But anyway I hope you like it and do tell me what you think :) Maybe I'll do a sequel some time later. One that isn't quite so depressing.