When Mike wakes up he finds it becomes a struggle to open his eyes. His eyelids feel stuck to his skin from the tears that escaped him during the night. He hadn't slept much, but he remembers the coldness of his bad dreams was replaced by soothing words from the warm mass beside him, still holding him in his arms. When Mike does open his eyes he finds the dawn is only beginning to break. He gently turns in Ryan's arms to look at the man's face. He's still sleeping, but his grip on Mike is tight and he can't help but bury his face in the crook of Ryan's neck. The older man begins to stir, but doesn't open his eyes. He starts to run his fingers through Mike's hair, then down his back where he rubs soothing circles.

Mike is just beginning to gather the courage to kiss him again when Ryan's cellphone rings, sounding more like shrill screaming given the silence of the quiet daybreak. Ryan sighs and shifts away to pick up his phone on the nightstand.

"Hardy," he says, voice thick with early morning gruffness. A voice briefly talks back before Ryan says, "Okay. Yeah, I'll be there soon," and hangs up. He runs a hand through his hair and looks over at Mike who is watching him questioningly.

"I have to go…Mendez says they might have a lead for Joe," Ryan says, looking away from Mike before he gets up and finds his shoes.

"I'll go with you," Mike says and starts to get up.

Ryan sighs and says, "You should stay here. Be with your family."

"Why? So my brothers can come and blame me for the death of our father? Yeah, I'm really looking forward to that."

"They're not going to—"

"Yes, they are," Mike says and clenches his jaw. "You don't know my family. I have one brother that still speaks to me, but the other two hate me and I can't say I'm exactly fond of them either." He looks away, trying to blink away the threatening sting of tears behind his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mike. You know I am, but Mendez doesn't want you back yet and I agree," Ryan says. A pained look flashes across Mike's face when he looks at Ryan, and he wishes he could take back his words, but he'll do what he must to keep Mike safe for now. Ryan knows he'll be back in the field soon, but he needs to deal with his family and the funeral first. "If you need anything, just call, but I have to go." Ryan is almost out of the bedroom door when Mike's voice makes him stop and turn around.

"You really think I can't handle myself out there?"

"You told me yourself you're ready to break, and that was before your father…I just don't think you have the right state of mind right now," Ryan says.

"Oh, right. Yeah, not in the right state of mind to make my own choices, like being with you," Mike retorts.

"That's not what I…" Ryan sighs, exasperated. "Mike, you know the most important thing right now is finding Joe, and now Lily and her psycho cult."

"I know that, Ryan! That's why I'm going too. If there's a lead for Joe, there might be one for Lily too. You can't keep me away from this. You don't have that authority over me."

"I didn't make this call! I agree with it, but I didn't make it."

"Dammit Ryan!" Mike slams his fist against the wall beside the window. "You know what it's like, when it gets personal. You know this."

"You're right I do, and just because it got personal for you now doesn't mean—"

"It's beyond that now! It got personal with Debra and now it's just escalating. Or did you forget about her in your obsession with finding Joe Carroll?"

"What? No! I'll never forgive myself for what happened to her, to Claire, to any of them! I see their faces in my dreams, Mike. Every night is just a flash of Joe's victims, like a damn movie montage."

"Then let me help you," Mike pleads, grabbing Ryan by the shoulders. Ryan stares into those too-anxious eyes.

"You will help, but not right now."

"Ryan, just—"

"Mike, I have to go," Ryan is exasperated at this point. He needs to go and find out what Mendez may know about Joe. He's not even sure if Mendez really believes him about Joe being back yet, but she knows Emma Hill is still out there and is willing to look into it. Ryan doesn't know who he can trust at the FBI anymore, but he knows he needs go, now. He turns to leave and Mike pleads his name again. Ryan turns around and though he wishes he didn't, he feels annoyed.

"Deal with your family stuff then talk to Mendez," Ryan says. As soon as the words are out of his mouth an icy feel of regret crawls its way through his body. A dark look settles across Mike's face.

"Stuff, yeah Ryan. I'll deal with my family stuff."

"I didn't mean—"

"Get out," Mike says in a tone of voice that Ryan knows he won't tell him twice. He wants to say he's sorry, but he doesn't. He just turns around and walks out the door. The next two days pass by in a blur and Mike is so busy dealing with family and funeral arrangements that he doesn't even have the time to miss Ryan. He hasn't seen him since the morning he told him to get out, and he tries not to regret speaking to Ryan like that, but he's just filled up with so much pain that adding some more guilt onto his plate hardly makes a difference. Mike knows the guilt toward his father's death is going to break him. It's inside him now, mingling with a dangerous thirst for vengeance and he wills it to stop.

He knows he can't think like that. He's a good FBI agent, but being the second youngest in his department makes it hard to quickly gain respect sometimes. If he goes back with bloodlust shining from his eyes then he knows Mendez will recommend he take more time off, and Mike just can't do that. He'll end up going rogue like Ryan did and probably get killed in the process. He tries to direct his mind from thinking about snapping Lily Gray's neck, to stop thinking about the upcoming funeral, to think about anything else really. His mind keeps wandering back to Ryan so he just lets it overcome him. There's all this history between them now, from the chase of Joe Carroll, from losing Debra and Claire…They are both broken messes of human beings, tattered at the heart and frayed in the mind. Mike lets his mind drift and is surprised to find he's reliving the day he first realized his attraction to Ryan Hardy went a bit beyond hero-worshipping.

It was the day Ryan got a call and found out his sister had been taken by a follower named Maggie. He had quickly hurried out the door and down the stairs when Mike followed him. Mike knew Jenny was Ryan's sister and that's why he followed him, offering his help, not just because Parker asked him to play the role of snitch again. He wouldn't betray Ryan. But that didn't stop Ryan from grabbing Mike and shoving him up against a wall, demanding to know if Parker knew about Jenny. They talked in hushed, angry tones until Ryan let him go and realized he could use the help of this young agent. Ryan's eyes had lowered to Mike's lips for just a second too long. People get ideas from a glance like that, and Mike had certainly gotten a few. But Ryan let him go with him, even told him he was glad he came.

They built trust, a thing that is meant to be valued. Mike is struck, seemingly out of nowhere, with the horrible thought that maybe Ryan only kissed him back that night two days ago out of some kind of pity for a friend. Once the thought planted itself in Mike's mind he couldn't shake it away. It was a seed of doubt that was growing every second. He felt sick, tired…like he really was losing his mind. Mike staggered over to his bed, crashing down onto the mattress and buried his face in his hands.

He was too tired and overwhelmed to even cry. He just let himself drown in his own gasping breaths until he was too tired to carry on. He had barely slept since the night Ryan was here. The nightmares keep getting worse. He sees flashes of his father's brutal murder again and again in his dreams. Sometimes his father is replaced by one of his brothers, even the two he hates and it still hurts to watch them having their throats cut. Last night Ryan had made a guest appearance in the dream too, and Mike had woken up trembling. He nearly called Ryan just to make sure he was alright, but he was too afraid his trembling voice would make him sound weak. He needed to pull himself together.

He finally lets sleep overcome him. Mike knows the next thing he'll have to deal with is the funeral, and he can't help but hope Ryan will be there with him. That night he dreams of kissing Ryan again. They're wearing suits of all black and Mike goes to undo the tie around Ryan's neck. Ryan grabs the tie and blindfolds Mike with it. There's a fire in the background and the flames are the raging, consuming type. Ryan tells him he's weak, that he's going to die. He tells them they're all going to die this time. The fire swallows them both.