Adam barged into his room; throwing off his hair clip, American Eagle tee-shirt ,skinny jeans and the turquoise zip up hoodie that his grandma bought him 2 years ago into a pile in the middle of his room. He did what his mother had asked him to. She said it was the last time but he knew it would happen again. He played the part just like he had been for the past 13 years without fail. Acting the part that Audra wanted, no, needed Adam to go back to so that she could feel right again. Adam didn't feel right wearing those clothes. They were like anchors to him, weighing him down like bricks in a pillow case.
Adam caught his reflection in his mirror. He didn't like what he saw. He saw someone that was not him; someone that has been eating him up inside since the beginning. Someone trying to portray who he was on the inside and the outside. Maybe this is who he's supposed to be. Everyone is happier this way; his feelings didn't matter. Drew was just about glowing when he saw him come around the corner. His mother was beaming. He hadn't seen her smile that big in a while; that was his fault. He was the cause of his mother's sadness; he was the reason that she smiles her fake smile. He was the reason why she seemed so exasperated all the time.
He didn't want this kind of life. The kind of life that ends up with the people he cares for being happy and him being...there. Not happy, not sad, just there; like dead space. All he wanted was acceptance. That's too much to ask for from him. He's being selfish going in the direction that he is. He's supposed to be looking out for other peoples feelings; being careful not to step on them but he has already done this to his mother. Her feelings were stepped on, beaten and twisted like a bread tie just because of his selfish, selfish decision.
Adam slipped his skinny jeans back on and his tee shirt. He put in his hair clip and put on his turquoise zip up hoodie. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he cringed. He felt dirty, insecure, like his clothes were telling him so. His jeans hugged him in all the wrong places and his jacket was constricting him like he was in a strait jacket. Might as well be in one; everyone already thinks he's crazy to try and pull off his other look. He could already hear the voices of the future; telling him how pretty he his or how nice he looks. All these were compliments, yes, but to him, they were venom. Every compliment thrown at him was another injection that only made him weaker; he wondered how long it would take for it to kill him and put him out of his misery for good.
He couldn't do it anymore. Adam sprinted back to his desk where he ransacked all his drawers not finding what he needed. He searched under the bed frantically with no luck. Entering the bathroom, he opened the medicine cabinet and looked behind the hair products that helped him conceive this lie that his mother told him to drop. He found what he was looking for: the lighter.
The lighter was his safe haven in times of trouble. He always relied on it and it would always be there for him when he needed it. Adam plucked his clip from his hair and began to heat it. He watched the flame engulfing the tip of the clip; it reminded him of himself whenever he put on the clothes. They tore at his skin, burning it with every touch, every movement. The clip was ready. Adam rolled up his jacket sleeve, ready to punish himself for thinking that it was okay to be selfish; ready to remind himself that this is what everyone wants. It's for the best.
He looked down at his naked arm. It was lined with marks and burns. He lowered the clip and lighter;he couldn't do it. Adam went back to his mirror;looking himself up and down. He didn't look right;he didn't feel right. Once again, he shed his clothes off of his body. He could finally breath again once they were off.
Adam wanted to be himself. If he had to be anyone else it would be a crime. What would really be selfish of him to do was lie to himself and tell himself that his feelings didn't matter. That his mom's happiness was far better than his own. Maybe at times his feelings would have to be put aside but not for his whole life. He wasn't ashamed of what he was and he wasn't ashamed that his mom might be ashamed of him. For the first time in days, Adam smiled. This time, he would do it better. This time, he would be patient with his mom and help her come around. If she really loved him, she would see him for him. If she can't then she'll find a way to live with it.
Going into his drawer, he pulled out his plaid button up shirt and put it over his undershirt. He pulled on his baggy jeans with ease and felt the room his legs had to breath. He looked into his mirror again and this time he couldn't help but feel... free. There was no way he was going to let this feeling go or be taken away from him. Not his mother, no his brother could make him go back to those days and nights he was chained to her. Because that's what she felt like. Being called by her name was being bound to a wall of depression that he so wanted to be rid of.
Adam took her clothes and accessories and went outside to his backyard. He took a trash can with him and dumped the clothes in there. Taking out a box of matches he lit the clothes up in flames. He tossed in his lighter as well. The heat of the flame was too warm for his skin but what he felt was relief. His mother came out of the house with her hands covering her mouth.
"It's okay, mom. It's me, Adam. Your son."
Adam knew it and Audra knew it at that time; it was the moment of truth.
Gracie was gone.
Just came to me when I was listening to a song and I felt the need to write. Hope you guys liked it! Review please!