Over the Hills and Far Away

Chapter One – Arrangements

Eiscalia was a frozen planet. The temperature never increased to more than two degrees, and that was in its warm season. From space, it looked like a round ice-cube, surrounded by swirling clouds of snow. From its surface, it looked like a blank, freezing wasteland. This was because the only building that was above ground level was the palace of the Tempest of Eiscalia. All of the other buildings were underground, and indeed, the palace had many more underground levels beneath it.

So when the Irken Empire sent an Invader to the frozen surface, the Irken in question had stuck out like a sore thumb. The Eiscalian government had done nothing to deal with the obvious intruder; they had simply left him to the elements. The elements had won. Nonetheless, the Almighty Tallest had been quick to send out another Invader. In fact, they had sent eighteen, one after the other. All of them had died, but still the Eiscalians could not rest easily.

The Irken Armada was coming for them, and they intended to go by the old Irken motto. If you can't beat them, blow up their planet. The entire Armada was slowly approaching the galaxy that Eiscalia was situated in, and they were planning to simply shoot at the planet until it collapsed in on itself, or until they surrendered to the Irken Empire. This news had not yet arrived at the Eiscalian government, but it was about to, in the form of a personal call to the Tempest herself.

A shrill ringing noise echoed through the palace. Tempest Korfilda looked up sharply from her throne. Nobody ever called the palace communications system; calls were always sent to the government. Whoever was calling had something important so say. She accepted the call. The screen flickered into life, and the Almighty Tallest appeared, staring through the screen with identical lazy smiles.

"Ah, the Tallest of Irk. To what do I owe this... pleasure?" Korfilda asked, sounding as though gouging out her own eyeballs with a blunt spoon would be more of a pleasure than one minute of conversation with either of them.

"Hi there," Red began, "Just a quick call to say that we're about to annihilate your planet. So, you know, prepare for your doom and all that jazz."

Korfilda's eyes narrowed and her fingers tightened on the arms of her throne.

"You... You dare suggest that your pathetic race could overthrow us? Your invaders couldn't last more than two weeks here and..."

"We're gonna blow you up!" Purple said excitedly, bouncing in his seat like a kid at a party. Red gave him a despairing glance, but nodded all the same.

"The Armada is coming. We'll rain down so many lasers on your planet that you'll... see a lot of lasers," he said with an evil chuckle. "You have about five hours before your imminent deaths. I guess we'll see you then!"

They cut the transmission. Korfilda turned to the nearest servant, who had frozen in horror. She took her by the shoulders and shook her violently until she came to her senses. When she spoke, Korfilda emphasised every word. Each one was important.

"You are to go to the Head of Government, and you are to tell him that we have a situation. And tell him it's urgent."

---

The Governmental building was a large yet nondescript structure that was directly underneath the palace. Here were the very workings of Eiscalia, though the Tempest was secretly certain that she could run the place without them. Indeed, the Head of Government had not believed her when she had said that they had not heard the last of the Irken Empire. The Irkens, he had assured her, would have no use for a planet that they could not inhabit in their Empire. However, what an Irken has no use for, an Irken usually destroys.

It was therefore unsurprising that the Head of Government felt slightly sheepish as the meeting took place. He did not like being proven wrong. As a rule, the HOG should be the one that understands these things, whereas the Tempest was just the one that stood in front of the public. The public respected Korfilda, so having a Tempest installed a lot of faith in them. It was much the same with Irkens, he reflected as he took his place next to the Tempest. Their Empire was run by the control brains, but the public looked to the Tallest; the most respected Irkens, as their leaders.

"Gentlemen, the reason that I have called you all here today is that we have a serious problem," Korfilda began. She was not one for opening with a joke. "I have informed the Head of Government prior to this meeting. In five hours, the Irken Armada is coming. The Tallest are planning to destroy Eiscalia."

At once there was outcry, pandemonium. The government officials were shouting each other down, throwing sheaves of paper, standing out of their places. One, a young female who had been promoted to her position that very morning, had burst into tears.

"WHEN YOU'RE QUITE FINISHED!" The Head of Government screeched, his rasping voice slicing through the noise like a razor through skin, spilling silence over the scene. All eyes turned to him, and he continued, "Now listen, all of you. We may have a solution to the problem, if you'll just shut up and pay attention to the Tempest we'll tell you what it is!"

"Thank you, Mort," Korfilda said in a weary voice, turning to the officials with a slight smile. "Now, as you all know, this government was assured that the Irkens would not attempt something like this..."

Mort shrank in his seat.

"...But nonetheless, I was never entirely convinced," she continued, "And so I came up with a back-up plan in case of such an emergency. Whether or not the Irkens will agree to it is another matter, but..."

"Just tell us!" wailed the crying female, and Korfilda smiled.

"Indeed. There's not much time for rambling. Basically, I intend to offer an alliance to the Irken Empire. A bond that won't easily break. I intend, my friends, to offer an arranged marriage to one of the Tallest. My daughter has agreed to this, and..."

"You want us to ally with these savages?!?" Mort exclaimed, and she shot him a piercing glare.

"Will it be possible for me to finish speaking without an interruption?" she asked icily, and he nodded sheepishly. "Anyway. With Calico bound to a Tallest, we'll be able to take down these jerks from the inside. Agreed?"

A murmur of agreement passed around the officials, and as Mort passed the motion, Korfilda sank back into her seat, closing her eyes wearily. She was getting too old for this. The Irken Empire had been a thorn in her side for the past few years, and threats of planet-wide doom were the last straw. The Eiscalians were well known for how good they were at holding grudges, and she was no exception. Her daughter, Calico, was a spiteful, poisonous snake-in-the-grass, and for once in her life, she was proud of her. If anyone was more perfect for taking down the Irkens, it was her.

"...So it's definite. Okay, Keridith, send a message to the Massive. Tell them we've got a little proposition for them."

The emotional female nodded and left the room. Korfilda stood up and followed her. She was going to fetch her daughter.

---

Aboard the Massive, the communications system logged an incoming call from Eiscalia. The Tallest accepted it, grinning vindictively. If there was one thing that they loved, it was the please-don't-kill-us-we'll-do-anything speech that was so common among the leaders of doomed planets. Now that was entertainment. In fact, they even had popcorn ready. The Tempest Korfilda appeared on-screen. She held a white flag. The Tallest grinned. The show was about to begin.

"My most exulted Tallest," Korfilda began in a voice that was tooth-rottingly sweet, "I come with a proposition for you, in the form of an alliance of our humble planet to your mighty Empire."

"Go on," Red said, curious in spite of himself.

"My daughter, the Princess Calico, is willing to be bound to one of you, in exchange for the lives of our people. All of our trade and income would go to the leaders of Irk for as long as we remain in your Empire."

"I have a question," Purple said, leaning in towards the screen. "Is she hot?"

Korfilda's face flushed, and her eyes narrowed.

"Speaking as a mother, my Tallest, I can hardly..."

"Just answer the question!" Red snapped, and she sighed, pressing a button. Calico walked into the room, and Red bit his tongue. Korfilda was the only female Eiscalian that either of them had seen before, and she was old. Her daughter was a different matter.

Calico had pure white skin and blue lips. Her eyes were turquoise, with two dark blue pupils in each. Four long, tendril-like appendages flowed from her head, nearly reaching the floor. Two were white and two were dark blue. There was a twisted smirk on her face.

"I'm Calico," she said in a silvery voice, "A pleasure to meet you."

"So," Korfilda said, "Is she?"

Red cleared his throat awkwardly. "She'll do," he said, and Calico smiled warmly at him. "We accept your proposal."

"Okay then," Korfilda smiled, and this time her voice was brisk and business-like. "Calico can choose which of you she is to be bound to, can she not?"

"Sure thing," Red said, and Purple nodded. "This arrangement is going to bring a lot of change to the Irken Empire."

Korfilda's face broke into a frightening grin. Her eyes were narrowed to slits, and she bared her teeth at the screen.

"You can say that again," she chuckled, before bursting into peals of cackling laughter, which Calico joined in. Soon the Tallest were laughing as well. She cut the transmission. There was much preparation to do.

AN

Please review and I shall update as soon as possible.

Invader Zim belongs to Jhonen Vasquez. Eiscalia and all of its inhabitants belong to me.