Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
A/N: Spoilers for all the episodes so far and next week's too.
Miles knows he is not Ben. He is far, very far from being Ben. His older brother had always been the calm, peaceful, good son. Miles had been the screw up. Maybe that was a little too harsh. He was a good kid, just somewhat hotheaded and known for getting into a fight or two. Ben had the brains, Miles had the brawn. Ben was book smart, Miles was street smart.
Most importantly, Ben would never betray Miles like the way other had. The younger Matheson is certain of that. He would never have to worry about Ben sneaking into his house and stealing his wife-well if he had a wife. He thought that he would never do that either but somehow it happened and the guilt eats away at him.
He avoids his brother like he has the plague. Declines visit invitations, lets his phone go to voicemail, ignores emails. Every so often, he'll answer the phone, just so he doesn't think anything is up. He uses the same excuse-he's busy, feels horrible, will come home for Christmas next year.
He tries to avoid Rachel. She's much more insistent than Ben. She'll leave numerous voicemails, will constantly email, until he finally relents and responds. The worst part is when she sends the letters and he has to face the contents inside. Those are hidden away in a drawer where not even Bass would know to look.
He sees Charlie twice before the blackout. Once is in the fall of 2011, when she is four. He has a scheduled break and had intended to head down to the Keys for a few days. Rachel calls, Ben's away at a conference. Come here instead. He won't have to know you're here. He refuses, refuses all the way to the airport until he transfers his ticket to Chicago instead of Miami. He's sure he won't forget the pleased look on Rachel's face when he appears on her porch later that afternoon. He's a bit peeved at the lack of Danny- at my mom's house. We could use the time to ourselves. At the same time, he is happy. Happy and deluded, as if he can pretend this was all real for a few hours. Charlie is quiet and wide-eyed, her face partially hidden in the fabric of Rachel's jeans. Her mother runs a soothing hand over her blonde locks, saying, Baby, it's okay. You don't need to be shy. This is your Uncle Miles.
Because anything else would be too confusing. As much as he says he wants nothing to do with them, he does. He needs ten minutes with her, takes her out for ice cream. The rental car isn't his Mustang but it'll do. He tucks her away in the back seat, triple checking her seat belt. Miles, be careful please! I won't let anything happen to her, Rachel.
By the time he's back at base, his guilt has intensified. That is not his family. It is never going to be his family. But in addition to this, there is a new ache, one that he forces away and refuses to acknowledge.
The next time he sees Charlie is nearly a year later, a week before the blackout. He just so happens to be on his rarely used laptop when a Skype call comes through. He uses Skype even less than he uses the laptop. He's not thrilled when he sees Rachel's face appear on his screen. I just want to see you. Charlie runs by the frame, chasing after a teetering Danny. She comes back two seconds later, smiling brightly. Hi Uncle Miles! I got a loose tooth!
He doesn't want to answer when he sees Ben's number appear on his cell phone. He does it reluctantly, mainly to stop Bass from talking, and intends to quickly cut his brother off. If he had known it would be the last time they would ever talk, he would have savored the moment more, said things he had been meaning to say for quite some time. Instead he gets a jumbled warning and a dead phone.
In the weeks following the blackout, when he realizes the power is not coming back on, he makes the quick decision to go to Chicago. He needs to find them, make sure they're okay. He doesn't count on Bass coming along or the carnage they find along the way. As they cover more ground, his pessimistic side kicks in. What are you going to do when you get there? What if they're dead? What if they're alive? They don't need you. They have him. They're not your responsibility. Using the horrors of the road as a diversion, he changes gears. He was being ridiculous if he ever thought he could just appear and take charge. He can't take charge of that situation but maybe, just maybe he can take charge of this one.
He spends years trying to forget what he's done wrong. Unfortunately, the scales are tipping in that direction more than what he's done right.
He wishes he could turn around and pretend he hasn't seen the ragtag group assembled in front of his bar. He doesn't want to get involved and he sure as hell doesn't want to deal with Charlie. Of course he knows it's her. He's a little shocked at how much she's grown from that little five year old but he knows it's her. She looks too much like Rachel and he knows he'd never forget those eyes. That ache, the one he tried to push away, comes bursting out of its cage. He knows he's screwed. He knows he's going with her even as he says no. Still there's a glimmer of hope, somewhere from the back of his mind, where it had gone to die many years ago. You never found her but now she found you. Maybe this is a good thing.
"Are you ever going to tell her?" Nora knows the first night they're back together. She remembers the conversations they had. She's the only one he's ever told. "It is her, isn't it?"
"No and yes, it is."
"She deserves to know."
He doesn't want to get close. He doesn't deserve that right. It's why he lashes out so much, snapping at her every chance he gets. It's wrong but if he can make her keep her distance, it's better for both of them.
Everything falls into place when Charlie gets taken by the creepy dog guy. Nora and Maggie's speeches about responsibility and lost children only make him feel worse. Maggie tried for years to get back to her kids and here he had willingly given up his only one. It's when her life is actually put in danger that he finally understands. Sure, he hadn't been thrilled when she came into The Grand, crossbow firing, or when she volunteered to shoot the warden but at least those times, he knew he could protect her. This time, he has no idea where she is, what is happening. Forget when he actually gets through that door and sees the arrow speared into the wall, just inches from her head. He's pretty sure his heart literally stops. Her eyes, God those eyes, are wide with fear as she looks up at him. He's not leaving, there's no way he's leaving. He thinks that she's better off without him. The truth is she's worse off without him and if he turns his back again, he would worry the rest of his life. He's not going to make a big deal out of it. Let her figure it out. But then Maggie dies and Charlie's having a breakdown and he knows what he has to do.
"I'm not going anywhere." he holds her gently-the first time in sixteen years, "Okay? I'm not going to leave."
Everything solidifies a few days later, when he's sitting at Nora's bedside, waiting for her to recover. It scared him how quickly he decided to save Charlie over Nora. It was as if there was no question. Of course he had a back-up plan to save his ex-girlfriend but if that had failed...
"I'm sorry," he tells her quietly.
"Stop." she's still groggy and closes her eyes, though he sees her roll them before that. "You don't have to be sorry."
"I nearly cost you your life."
"In exchange for hers. I'd do the same if it were my kid."
He freezes. No one's said that. No one's ever referred to Charlie as his kid, his daughter, anything. He's always repressed it and no one's ever known. Even Rachel has never said it.
"You need to tell her."
He shakes his head silently and she pops one eye open to glare at him.
"Miles, she needs to know the truth."
He knows that. Lately, he's wanted her to know. But the fact is, she'll react horribly. She'll want to know why he had an affair with Rachel, why he didn't man up and accept her as his own, did he love her? There were too many possible questions and he didn't have the answers. Add in the fact that she had no idea Rachel was alive... or that he was responsible for her captivity... Miles assumed she would not talk to him again.
Eventually, he knows he'll tell her. Till then, he'll be content in just having her nearby.