Screenplay By: Austin Vargas _
It Begins.
It gets to Steve Stifler's house, Steve now has a 17 year old son named Zack.
The Camera Reveals Zack Stifler on the phone.
Zack:" Whenever Jennifer comes over this weekend, we won't be playing Monopoly! We'll be playing Fuckopoly, Fucker!"
Camera reveals his friend, who's name is Joe.
Joe:" Dude, your gonna get some serious Pussy,I heard that she gets nasty in bed"
Back To Zack.
Zack:" she won't know what Nasty is until shes fucked the StiffMeister"
The title shows upon the screen, and the American Pie Theme plays,
with Opening Credits following.
The scenery is the High School, Zack is walking with his friends, Joe and Robert.
Robert:" It's last day, and then Christmas Vacation, no school for 2 weeks!"
Zack:" and on saturday, I get Tities and Pussy strait off the menu,
at Jennifer Cafe"
Joe:" Lucky Bastard, my parents are dragging me off on some stupid ass Vacation, with my grandparents"
A nerdy kid named Preston, is running to get to class, when he bumps into Zack.
Preston:" Oh, Sorry!"
Zack(Sarcastic):" Oh, Don't worry, it's fine"
Zack pulls the Preston's pants to his ankles and trips him.
Zack:" Yo, Fuck Face, your pants are down! You should really be more careful next time!"
Zack and his friends start laughing and giving eachother High Fives.
The scene goes back to the Stifler house, where Steve has just arrived home.
Steve,he is in a relationship with Cadence, she had his child, but he never proposed,and still hasn't, he dates her, and only sees family a couple hours every 2 days, due to his buisness as Porn filmmaker, the reason he had returned, was for Christmas Vacation.
Steve:" Merry Fuckmas,Family, I'm home!"
Cadence walks out of her room,and hugs Steve.
Cadence:" I'm glad your home, I have something to tell you"
Steve:" Can it wait until after welcome home sex?"
Cadence:" No, I just got a call from my sister, Michelle, Jim's Grandma, has only 3 weeks to live, and she asked us to go with them to Wyoming, to stay with them, at his grandma's house, for Christmas"
Steve:" Thats, all you had to say! I'm good with that, Less Talkie, More Fuckie!"
Back to the highschool,in class.
Teacher:" The Square root of 8500 is? Zack"
Zack:" I Don't know, what am I, Albert Fuckstien? E=MC-Vagina, Shitheads!"
Teacher:" Alright,I'll ignore the rude humor today because its Christmas Break after school, Preston, do you know?"
Preston:" Exactly, 92.1954445729289"
Teacher:" Good"
Zack(Mumbling):" Cum Guzzler"
Scene cuts to school ending, and everybody running out of the school.
Zack:" Hey, Mondo cock suckers, its Vacation!"
Robert:" Yeah but we got sucky family vacations, and you get hot ass"
Zack:" Hell yeah, and I'm ready, you Ass bugers have fun now!"
He laughs and walks away.
Later, he arrives at home, and is greeted by his father watching T.V.
Steve:" What's up little, Ass Monkey?"
Zack:" Hey dad! Why are you here"
Steve:" I'm back for the holidays, and where goin on a family Vacation tomorrow morning, so pack your bag, and don't forget your Tampons"
Zack:" No Fuckin Way! I'm staying here"
Steve:" The hell you are! You gotta go! Your mom will get pissed, so go pack your bags"
Zack:" I had pussy coming tomorrow!"
Steve:" Well I geuss your screwed, oh wait, no your not!"
He Starts laughing as Zack walks off to his room.
The Next Day, they all get in the car and begin thier trip.
Zack is staring into an issue of playboy.
Cadence:" Zachary! Don't look at such dirty Magazines!"
Steve looks back and sees the Playboy.
Steve:" Hey, Numb Nuts! That's mine!"
Zack:" Bite me Fuck Face!"
Cadence:" Zack, Watch your language!"
Steve grabs the magazine from his son.
Steve:" Yeah, Watch your language, Fucker!"
Zack(To himself Quietly):" Shit"
They arrive in Wyoming, hours later, and pull in the drive way of Jim's grandma's house.
They walk up to the door, and ring the bell, the door is opened by Noah Levenstein, Jim's father.
Noah:" Welcome, Cadence, and..."
His voice lowers, and becomes more unexcited.
Noah:" Steven, and I see you brought someone with you, who is this"
Cadence:" This is Zachary, our son!"
Everybody in the room stop and stare at them in shock.
Steve:" Yeah, you fuckers heard right, this is Stiffy Jr. here"
Jim:" How come you never told us Stifler?"
Steve:" Because its none of your damn buisness"
Noah:" Well...Uh...Come on in!"
Michelle:" Hey, Cadence"
Steve:" Michelle, you've gotten fat"
Cadence:" Steve!"
Jim:" Actually Stifler she's Pregnant"
Steve:" So, Jimbo finally got busy!"
Scene switches to Zack sitting and trying to talk on the phone.
Robert:" You had to cancel your plans with Jennifer?"
Zack:" Yeah, this fuckin sucks, everybody here are pricks!"
Robert:" That sucks, my Christmas break isn't so well either, my family is a bunch of pussies!"
Zack notices a fine blonde girl, that looks about the same age as him.
Zack:" Hello Baby!"
Robert:" What?"
Zack:" No! Nothing, I call you later Robert, the Stiffmeister, might get pussy this weekend after all!"
He Hangs up and approaches Noah.
Zack:" Who's that over there?"
Noah:" That's my Niece, Linda, shes about 16 years old, alot younger than her cousin, my son, Jim, shes a nice girl feel free to go talk to her"
Zack walks over to her.
Zack:" Hey, How about you take a ride on the Love Train, I'll be your conductor, The Stiffmiester"
Linda:" Beat it Jerk off"
Zack:" I'm sorry, I know what will cheer you up, We can play Pearl Harbor, I'll lay on my back, and you blow the hell outta me!"
Linda smiles.
Linda:" I've never heard that one before, thats funny, I'm Linda!"
Zack:" I'm Stifler, Zack Stifler"
Linda:" So which couple is your parents"
Zack:" Thats them"
He Points over to where Steve and Cadence are, Steve has a bread stick, hold it up to his crotch, acting like he's humping a women, and Cadence is bursted out laughing.
Linda:" Cool"
Scene goes back to Steve, when Noah Walks in.
Noah:" Everybody, She's awake, Grandma Levenstien"
She rolls in her wheel chair, Steve looks over and suddenly memories he had forgotten of when he accedently had sex with the old bag, instead of Cadence like he thought it was.
She then see's him, and she smiles.
Steve:" Excuse me I have to go take a shit!"
He runs off.
Jim:" Hi, Grandma"
Grandma:" Hello Jimmy"
Scene Cuts to Steve in the Bathroom, sitting on the toilet.
Steve:" Shit, I forgot about that old Lady, fuck"
He stands, pulls up his pants and flushes, when the toilet starts to overflow.
Steve:" Shit!"
He looks around for a plunger, but finds nothing, the water and shit is all over the floor.
Steve grabs towels out of the cabinet under the sink, and throws them all over the floor.
Steve:" Fuck!"
He says and slams his hand on the toilet paper holder, which causes it to fall in the toilet, and causes it to spray water out everywhere.
Steve:" OH SHIT!"
He runs out and the water starts to ricochet off the door out into the hall way and on to Steve, he gets cover all over in crap water.
Shortly after the water stops.
Steve Walks into the living room where everybody is, they all stare at him, with confused faces.
Jim:" Holy Shit!"
Steve:" Exactly"
He says with an angry face.
Later, the time is 8 p.m.
Michelle:" everybody we have offcially decided to have a girls night out with Grandma"
Cadence:" So all you boys can stay here and watch sports and what not"
They all say bye to thier women, and the girls leave.
Noah:" well I geuss we need to watch the football game.
Steve:" Fuck Football! I'm ordering strippers"
Jim:" we can't Stifler we're married men"
Noah:" I agree bad idea"
Steve:" Hey DipShit, you and your dad are married I'm not"
Jim:" yeah but even so, were are you gonna get strippers cheap"
Steve:" I know a guy"
Noah:" and your son is here"
Steve:" he's fine he's 15"
Zack:" I'm 17 Dad"
Steve:" Whatever Dick Snot, 15,17, same fuckin thing"
Jim:" Stifler!"
Steve:" look! Jim I'm getting strippers, if you 2 pussies don't like it you can Blow Me!"
He picks up the phone and starts dialing numbers.
The Scene switches to the girls at a bar drinking.
Michelle:" Cadence, how can you stay with Stifler? He hasn't even proposed"
Cadence:" Well I've thought about leaving him before, but then I got pregnant and I'd hate to leave him and let Zack go the rest of his life without a father"
Michelle:" I thought you said they don't get along"
Cadence:" They don't that much anymore but they did when Zack was little and he's exactly like Steven"
Grandma:" That Steve Stifler is my man, you whore!"
Michelle:" Grandma calm down"
She stares at Cadence with an angry face.
Michelle:" Besides, Cadence, Zack is like 17 he can go without a father for the rest of his life and not care"
Cadence:" Okay, well I'll talk to him later"
The scene shifts back to the house, when the door bell rings.
Steve:" Yeah! Entertainment is here"
Steve opens the door when 3 Strippers walk in.
Stripper #1:" Hey, Naughty boys!"
They all stand there amazed at thier beauty.
All guys:" Hi!"
Stripper #2:" Don't stand there drooling like dogs sit down and enjoy the entertainment"
The 1st stripper begins to strip.
Steve:" Oh Shit! This is Fucking awesome"
Zack:" Damn I love this trip!"
The 2nd stripper starts to strip too.
Noah:" Wow, this is very...Wow!"
The 3rd Stripper strips.
Stripper #3:" are you guys ready?"
Jim:" Ready for what?"
Stripper #1:" for us the dance and rub our bodies up angainst yours"
Steve:" Hell Fuckin Yeah!"
1 of the Strippers rubs up on Zack, 1 on Jim and the other dances.
Stripper #3:" Hey whats your name?"
Zack:" I'm Zack Stifler, a.k.a The StiffMiester"
She feels his pants.
Stripper #3:" StiffMiester is right"
Stripper #1:" So so you think I'm Sexy?"
Jim:" Oh yeah, I definitely do!"
Steve:" and you 2 Fuckers thought we shouldn't have done this"
Noah:" Well its not against my marriage to watch"
Then outside the car the girls had took pulled up.
Steve:" Oh Shit!"
Jim:" Okay girls come with me you gotta leave"
Stripper #2:" But we just got here!"
Jim:" Just come on!"
He sneaks them out the back door.
The Door opens and the girls walk in, Stifler kicks a bra, that was left, behind the Christmas Tree.
Cadence:" Hey guys you seem suprised to see us"
They were standing up hoping the girls wouldn't find out.
Noah:" We Just weren't expecting you back this fast"
Michelle:" well, Grandma started to fall asleep at the bar so we came home"
Jim:" well, I say we all need a good night sleep"
Cadence:" yeah, thats a good idea"
(The door opens again and Linda walks in)
Michelle:" Why are you here?"
Linda:" I asked my parents if I could stay over here for the night, I want to spend as much time with Grandma as possible"
(she smiles at Zack, and he smiles back)
Noah:" Okay I'll show you to the guest room"
(They all begin to walk to thier rooms, Linda taps on Zack's shoulder)
Linda:" Meet me in my room 11 p.m."
Zack:" alright"
(She walks off, Zacks mouth is open in shock)
(Later in Steve and Cadence's room)
Steve:" So, Babe you wanna get nasty?"
Cadence:" Actually, I have to talk to you about somthing"
Steve:" can it wait, I'm in the mood"
Cadence:" No, its important!"
Steve:" okay, what?"
Cadence:" are you ever gonna propose?"
Steve:" why the hell are you asking me now?"
Cadence:" well we have a son thats in high school and we still aren't married, I just need to know your committed to our relationship"
Steve:" Committed? What the fuck has gotten in to you, I don't want to get married, I'm the StiffMeister!"
Cadence:" Then maybe you should just leave! Just get out of here! If your not ready for a committed relationship, then I don't want you here so just go, Stifler!"
(she pushes him out the door and throws a pillow out with him)
Steve:" Fine I don't need you! Steve Stifler can go and find a new bitch!"
(He walks out 1st smiling, then starts to look sad he gets a beer and begins to drink it, then sets it down, and walks outside)
(In Zacks room, he looks at the clock, its 10:58)
Zack:" Close enough"
(He sneaks out of his room, and into the living room, he then trips on the edge of the couch, he falls and bumps into the table causing the beer to spill)
Zack(Whispering):" Shit"
(The liquid leaks all the way over to the cristmas tree, were it hits the wires to the lights, the socket pops with a spark)
Zack(Whispering):" Fuck"
(several lights pop and then the tree sets on fire)
Zack:"FUCK!"
(He picks up the beer bottle, which has a little more in it, and tosses the rest on the tree, he runs into the kitchen, grabs a cup and begins to fill it with water but then notices a bucket, he grabs that instead and fills it with water, he runs with the half full bucket and tosses the liquid on the tree, some of the fire goes out, but there is still more,
he runs back into the kitchen and begins to fill it up, when its filled he does the same process as before, but this time the fire stops, then the ruined tree starts falling and is about to land on Zack)
Zack:" OH SHIT!"
(It lands on him, everybody awakens and walk out of thier rooms)
Noah:" What the hell happened here"
Zack(Still under tree):" I'll explain just get me up out from under this damn thing"
(Meanwhile, we see Steve outside running up to a jewelry shop, when they are just then putting up the closed sign)
Steve:" Hey hold on, please let me in"
Man:" Sorry we're closed"
Steve:" I need to buy a ring!"
Man:" is it for a lady?"
Steve:" Yes!"
Man:" I'll help you out!"
(Later, we see Steve walk up and open the door to the house, with a ring box in his hand)
Cadence:" So, there just happened to be a beer bottle on the table"
Zack:" I don't know whos it was"
(Steve notices the ruined tree)
Steve:" what the fuck happened?"
Zack:" Someone, left a beer bottle and I knocked it over, it got on the wires, and the tree set on fire"
Steve:" Shit! That was my Beer bottle!"
Cadence:" Figured you were the one who ruined everything"
(she turns around and begins to walk back to her room)
Steve:" Cadence Wait! I have something to give you!"
(She turns around, he approaches her, then kneels, and opens the ring box)
Steve:" Cadence, Will you marry me?"
(She smiles)
Cadence:" YES!"
(Everybody watches and smiles as Steve and Cadence hug)
(Days later, it's Christmas eve, and everybody is at the hospital visiting Grandma in her last few minutes of life, people are crying when her eyes close and her heart stops, everyone is crying except a couple)
Michelle:" I know this is sad, but My water just broke"
Jim:" Oh Shit! Good thing we're in a hospital, come on get on this rolling bed I'll get you to a Doctor here"
(He pushes the bed as people follow)
Jim:" Doctor! Shes having a baby!"
Doctor:" Okay, come this way!"
(They are lead to a room, the Doctor lays her on a bed, then turns to the others except Jim and Michelle)
Doctor:" Please, wait out in the hall, we will get you when the procedure is over"
(they go out into the hall and sit in chairs, after waiting awhile, the Doctor opens the door)
Doctor:" You may enter"
(They walk in and see Michelle holding a baby)
Noah:" Wow, what are you gonna call him?"
Jim:" Joshua"
Steve:" Joshua? What a Panzy name"
(Cadence elbows Steve's arm)
Cadence:" We love the name!"
Noah:" it's twelve o'clock, that means its christmas!"
Michelle:" It really is a Merry Christmas!"
(She smiles and looks at the baby)
Credits Roll with American Pie Theme.