Okay this is my first story here so don't blame me for any of this (Blame Wordsworth13)
BANG!
Cloud woke with a start
"What the hell is going on down there?" Tifa screamed from her vantage point in the roof. (Tifa is an advanced life form; well her already massive breasts grew into wings, and has an understandable amount of trouble seeing anything at all, if only they'd grown out of her back!)
Cloud looked around blearily, observed Red trying to hump his bed post and eventually turned to the gaping hole in the wall. Barret was standing there sheepishly while a wisp of smoke blew off his bionic hand.
"Sorry I-
"NO YOU BASTARD!" Cloud screamed "YOU HAVE TO BLOW THE SMOKE AWAY, IT'S TRADITIONAL!"
Barret managed to look slightly confused before Aeris came in (Aeris has an unnerving habit of trying to strip nude and pole dance using her staff every time she has the opportunity). Barret gaped and blushed slightly, Cloud turned round with a lot of effort(Cloud has trouble moving anywhere because of his rock-solid gravity defying hair-style) and immediately wished he hadn't.
"AERIS PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON!" Cloud screamed (It is thought that years of holding up a 3 tonne head of hair has greatly strengthened Clouds vocal muscles).
"What's going on?" came a faint voice from the rafters, "I can't see!"
There was a brief swish and thud.
"Don't worry", Aeris cackled, "happens to her all the time!"
As you have most likely observed from this brief exchange all my characters are stark raving mad. Back to the plot.
Sephiroth (although technically dead Sephiroth has survived for all purposes in my plot, he has developed an annoying stutter though) sat in his dark castle with his mothers head, torso and other assorted bits.
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed evilly, "T-t-today is m-m-my Birthday!"
Jenova nodded wisely(actually this about all that Jenova can actually do) and slimed a bit more.
"B-b-by the rules of the s-s-story everybody h-has to give the b-b-b-birthday boy a p-present!"
Jenova nodded some more.
"A-a-and when that b-b-bumbling idiot Cloud a-and his circus t-t-turn up, I c-can give them a b-b-bath!" Sephiroth cackled (to Sephiroth this was the worst punishment you can get as it would ruin years of tweaking his hair to perfection)
Jenova nodded enthusiastically and her head fell off.
"Oh m-m-mother, not again!"
Sephiroth set himself up for the long and gruelling process of putting his mother back together.
Meanwhile, in Midgar…
"WHAT?" Cloud thundered, "YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE THAT CREEP A PRESENT?"
Cloud was having his daily struggle of getting out of bed; it's not easy you know having a fashionable hairstyle.
"I rather like Sephiroth" Aeris simpered, "He's got nice hair and such a big sword, Hehe…"
"AERIS I DON'T WANT TO EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR GIGGLING ABOUT" Cloud said, as calmly as was possible with his unique talent of scaring birds away from the surrounding three miles of habitat, "AND SECONDLY YOU "LIKE" ANYTHING THAT WALKS ON TWO LEGS, AND IN SOME CASES NOT EVEN THAT!" Cloud glared at Red who dutifully was trying to get it on with his leg.
Occasional bangs perpetrated the background as Barret tried to polish his hand.
"Oh Cloud" Aeris snapped, "Stop being such a spoilsport, and anyway we HAVE to get him a present!"
Cloud was going red in the face and trembling.
"Alright CUT!" said the Author "what's wrong Laurence?"
Cloud relaxed
"'m sorry old chap, it's just that you know if this chap Sephiroth isn't all that nice and so on why am I s'posed to give him a present?"
"Cloud we've already gone through this" said the exasperated Author, "He's the birthday boy!"
Through a random anomaly in the gravitational perception of our fractal space time continuum, Sephiroth walked in wearing a party hat and blew a raspberry.
Harry Potter then appeared and used the wingardium leviosa spell to give Cloud a wedgie. Cloud immediately turned upside down due to his unfortunate predicament and was rammed repeatedly into the ground.
Barret suddenly appeared holding his hand out in front of him, everybody either ran as far away as they could get or ducked behind the nearest blast shelter (When Barret holds his hand out there's no telling what will happen). Harry Potter was laughing evilly and Cloud was trying to flee unsuccessfully.
"MUHAHAHAHA, feel the power of the wedgie!" Harry Potter cackled
There was a loud crack and Harry was blown into a red stain on the wall.
Purple light flickered and a faint voice said "I'll get you next time Gadget, next time! No wait…"
The Author sighed, "I'm gonna pretend I didn't just see that and get back to the story."
Tifa came to and as always observed to the utmost detail "Huh what's going on? I can't see!"
(Some may be wandering why Tifa can't see and no it's not due to her wings being in the way, Cloud stuck some duck tape over her eyes while she was sleeping and when she woke up she was convinced that she had gone blind, the others had left it on just because it was so funny.)
As the gang got ready for the hard, dangerous and gruelling half an hour walk to Sephiroth's place, Cloud pulled Barret aside with a puzzled expression on his face.
"Um Barret?" Cloud said as quietly as was humanly possible for him, "I've Been Thinking And Um…"
"Go on" Barret said conspiratorially
"Well You Haven't Had Any Girlfriends Lately Have You?" Cloud said, clearly embarrassed,
"Uh no" Barret whispered
"And Your Right Handed" said Cloud
"Yep" Barret replied.
"And Your Gun Is On Your Right Hand"
"Uhhh, yeh"
"So How Do You, You Know?" Cloud said, going red in the face.
"Huh? Oh that well I just attach it like this and I can still move it up and down like this and it's as good as ne-
There was a loud crack and a look of pure horror crossed Barret's face, closely followed by pain and the traditional curl-into-a-ball pose.
"Mommy!" Barret whimpered.
After the local nurse had gotten over her hysterics and taken Barret away, the group set off. Well tried to anyway…
"Where are we going?" Tifa called from the roof "I can't see!"
"COME ON TIFA!" Cloud encouraged "JUST FOLLOW MY VOICE!"
"That should be easy enough" Aeris muttered
"COME ON TIFA" Cloud called "JUST FLY DOWN!"
Now Tifa flying consisted of her launching herself into space backwards, flapping as hard as she could and hoping she didn't bash into anything.
There was another thud.
"THAT WAS JUST THE DOOR TIFA"
A bang
"THAT WAS THE WALL"
A crash
"JUST MY HAIR GEL COLLECTION"
And of course a tinkle
"DON'T WORRY JUST A RANDOM PRICELESS VASE!"
Finally Tifa found an open window and fell out.
"She'll be OK!" Aeris was tugging at her clothes "Oh Cloud there so itchy!"
"NO KEEP THEM ON!" Cloud shielded his eyes, but not before he glimpsed Red taking a whiz in the corner.
"OH GOD NOT A SHI-
Cloud was pushed out the door kicking and screaming.
Hey all right Chapter No.1 pretty good eh? Now all I need is more ideas feed them to me my pretty's, FEED!
Or you can just review, either way.