"DOROTHY!!! RUN!!! IT'S A TWISTER!! And, oh ma sweet spam egg, I just saw our cow fly by! And—what in tarnation are you doing, Dorothy! GET YOUR KEESTER BACK IN HERE! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG'S TOO!!!!"
Wonderful opening words for my account of this little suicidal mission, don't you agree?
We'd walk for only God knows how long from Isengard and I was really starting to miss my loverly purple room back in Okie Land with my pretty little computer where I can type all the mindlessness I wanted from my broken computer chair. Of course, do I get that? No, what would make you think that, you silly person.
According the Elf Boy-slash-Drama Queen of Kings, the Paths of the Death is a vile place with lots of—yes, you guessed it—dead things! Normally, I would have a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, and be nervous and all that crap, but I know the future! Not literally, but anyone who's read RoTK would know the nice dead skeletons don't strangle you and leave your body with their own corpses. Emily, however, didn't know this, and was a bag of all nerves. I "accidentally" forgot to tell her what I knew.
"Well, Auntie Em, Dorothy doesn't want to run because if she runs anywhere it will be straight back home somewhere nice and happy in Rivendell where I will completely create a more Mary Sue scenario than this," Emily snapped.
"Dorothy—you don't mean—you don't mean...you actually got accepted to college?"
"KATIE! I'm trying to confide to you in my fears and all your doing is purposely being the deranged Brazil Nut!!!" Well, Wallace, you're a pecan. Or a walnut. Hey, Walnut and Acorn, that should make her happy! But I decided not to say this, because she looked ready to kill me. That look is not a good one, I assure you.
"Technically, you were biting my head off, and not confiding in me at all," I pointed out reasonably. Truth is like a bird set free. When the bird is set free, it is happy. Unless the truth is that it's turning into a cat, then it won't be too happy...But that's beside the point.
"Whatever. I will now. Katie, what happens, I'm scared to death, so please tell me," she answered.
"You know...I think I forgot...I decided not to read the rest because at the end of the Two Towers, Frodo fell off a cliff and died and so Sam was left with Gollum, and those two got married and they used the One Ring for a wedding ring..."
"What?!" The alarmed expression on Eomer's face, who was riding ahead of us, caused me to start snickering uncontrollably.
"Calm down, Prometheus, I was kidding."
"Who is Prometheus?"
"Now don't play smart aleck with me, young man!" I scolded, shaking a finger at him and hardening my face. These youngsters all tried to get new identities. But it won't fool me! "You're Prometheus!"
"I'm Eomer."
"No, you're Prometheus."
"No, I'm Eomer."
"YOUR'RE PROMETHEUS!!"
"Alright, he No Name and let's leave it at that," Emily growled from behind me (yes, the rag muffin was still behind me like a tag-a-long cookie). She was testy...probably because of the fact she didn't know what was going to happen...Teehee...
"Okies, fine with me-sa!" I said, all happiness. Hey, I had to be nice, because I needed everyone to love me...if they didn't love me, I'd be dead a long time ago. So you see my point; it's necessary to be loved by all. If you happened to be named Katie. And love grapes. And Elves. And croutons. And likes to make funny noises...
"I beg your pardon mil—" started a voice.
"Call me 'milady' and I'll break your fingers," I said, peering over Emily's head to look at Elladan, who'd just spoken, and Elrohir, who was riding beside him. They were riding behind us for the time being. Of course, they would go back up to Aragorn in a little bit and talk about you know...stuff. Important stuff that they didn't tell stupid little "kids" like me.
"Milady," he finished without a trace of apology. Why is it that all these Middle Earth dudes insist on calling me crap like that? They're evil! "Do you always act in...such a way?"
"Define the words 'such a way.'"
"Like you're drunk, crazy, insane, take your pick boys," Emily offered sullenly.
"Not quite right in the head," Elrohir finished finally. I pretended to ponder the question, even though I already knew the real answer.
"Well, it started out when I was but a little tadpole—" Emily slapped my head at this. "—excuse me, CHILD, and everyone was wearing fuzzy brown shoes and Abercrombie and American Eagle. They were all—dare I say the cursed word?—PREPS! So, I decided to make myself different, unique, interesting, an original. And I succeeded!"
"Oh...I see..." Elladan said doubtfully.
"Really, she was born that way...also she's been dropped on her head a few times...Or rather she caused herself to fall on her head..." Emily added. Good one Wally Woman, ha, ha, h—not funny.
"It was on accident," I grumbled and kicked Emily's leg (which was really very easy because she was behind me).
"Whatever, Auntie Em."
*****************
"Woah...dude...it's, like...Edoras...Again..." I said slowly. It seems we would have to go past it, so Soon-To-Be-King-Head-Honcho-Man-Guy-Person decided to stop—probably to have a little "private" moment with dear little Eowyn. Man would Arwen be royally pissed if I have proof of that...Oh the joy of causing chaos...
"Yes, indeed, you are quite observant," Legolas muttered boredly.
"I am going to pretend I did not hear that..."
"Fine by me."
"If you both are going to start bickering like small children again, I am not going to listen to it!" Gimli murmured from behind Legolas. Grumpy old dwarf...I always knew he hated me. Him and Sam. And Legolas. And Aragorn. And Merry and Pippin. And heck, even Gandalf and Emily. Wait...that was everyone...THE WORLD HATES ME! YAY!
"You know what, Lorenzo?" I said, prodding Legolas in the shoulder.
"What? And my name is not Lorenzo," he answered.
"You're a lot more annoying than I thought you would be. And it is too."
"And how did you think I would act? And it's not Lorenzo!!"
"Quiet...Calm...Quiet...Intelligent...did I mention quiet? Stop going into denial, you KNOW you were born to be named Lorenzo."
"Are you saying I'm not any of those things? IT'S LEGOLAS!"
"Well, considering I kinda—"
"'Kinda,'" Emily repeated mockingly.
"—just insulted you, you were calm. But quiet I doubt sometimes...And intelligent? You don't want me to answer that one, Elf Boy. See, you're not even intelligent enough to know your own name! It IS Lorenzo."
"Is that supposed to mean something? AND NO IT'S NOT!"
"No...maybe...kinda...sorta...yeah. Yes, you are the Elf named Lorenzo."
"Ooo...ouch, that was harsh," Emily put in, visibly cringing. I kicked her again. That is so dang FUN.
"And you know what else? Lorenzo?" I added just for good measure. You never know how many 'Lorenzo' s it'll take before he'll crack.
"Do I really want to know this? AND IT IS LEGOLAS. L-E-G-O-L-A-S!!!" he asked irritably.
"Yes. You're name sounds like legless."
"What are you talking about, Katie, his name is Lorenzo!!" Emily said suddenly.
"Well, I mean, his FIRST name does. Lorenzo is now his official name. Hey! Lorenzo the Legless!
"I am not legless!!"
"It can easily be arranged...Gimbal of Anchorage, Alaska, please kindly hack off this so-called "Elf's" legs," I asked Gimli, all sugar and honey.
"I am not Gimbal! I am Gimli, son of Gloin!" he cried indignantly. Dwarf men are easily offended...
"Okay, okay, okay, GIMLI. Please though?"
"No."
"Smi smate smou!" I cried and brandished a finger at him. They were all against me...Emily had joined forces with them even. I was all alone in this war...
"What was that?" he asked. Legolas turned slightly to address him.
"She speaks in gibberish, Gimli, pay her no attention." Hey, no fair, he talked fancy to everyone else except me!
"Whatever, dude, it's a real language! It's the Sm language, and I made it up! ME! That's right, stupid Katie did, stupid Katie was smart enough to make up her own language!" I said, soundly a lot like Gimli. Oh the horror... "And you know what else? I CAN SAY CRAP IN ELVISH!!"
"There's an Elvish word for 'crap'?" Emily asked, confused. She picks the worst time to butt in, I swear.
"No, I mean junk. Or whatever, you KNOW what I mean."
"The thought of you speaking Elvish is laughable..." Legolas said lightly, raising an eyebrow carefully.
"I can though!"
"Then please, by all means, do."
"Ich hasse Fische! Sterben Sie Sie gnadenloser Abschaum! Ich liebe Penguins. Ich liebe Zucker auch."
"Katie...That's German."
"Keine Weise."
"¿Usted habla español o alemán?" I never knew Wallace paid attention in Spanish...
"Nr., bilde ich heraus nicht mit Ihnen!" In fact, I never knew I paid attention in German either! Awesome!
"¡Pare el hablar en alemán! ¡Soy asno español, mudo!" she said, her voice thick with annoyance. We were really rambling off mindless sentences, because we didn't feel like really answering each other. It was clear that Gimli and Legolas were getting irritated.
"Sie wünschen Essiggurken mit dem? Traurig, Dame, haben wir keine Essiggurken."
"Would you stop speaking in this gibberish?" Legolas snapped, clearly irritated. Since when did that stop the mad people?
"¡No puedo creerle soplé encima de Berlín!" Well, neither did I, Emily.
"Emily, während des letzten Mal, Legolas ist nicht girly! Und eine andere Sache, der König der Eichelnotwendigkeiten, sein Haar zu waschen!" I cried, sounding indignant. She scowled at my comment. Oh no! She knows what I'm saying! What language to switch to now? Hmm...
"Ora li scommetto non conosco che cosa sto dicendo, strano!" I said finally. Italian! Never would she translate it, NEVER!! MWUHAHAHAH!
"Le odio. Eso está engañando. ¡Usted tiene que hablar en una lengua que entiendo!" Ha, still speaking Spanish...
"Perchè avete ascoltato nello Spagnolo? Lo Spagnolo STA ALESANDO."
"¡Le cocinaré en un tazón de fuente de tripa de la perca si usted no habla inglés pronto!" she snapped in a threatening voice. My guess was it was a death warning...
"Amate... ARAGORN!" Hey, it was true...
"¿Qué sobre Aragorn?" I think I might just answer in Spanish...(insert sinister laughter here.)
"Dije, usted, Emily, amor Aragorn," I answered calmly. 5...4...3...2...1...And blow up time.
"¡cEso NO ES VERDAD! ¡cUsted MINTIENDO POCO PAGANO! ¡cNo AMO ARAGORN!"
"Eso era malo. ¿Usted no lo ama más?" This was alarming...
"¡No! ¡Nunca !" she denied.
"Seguro. ¿Cambie al alemán, usted? Es más fácil," I ordered her.
"Sie sind, Katie dumm. Ich hoffe Sie Würfel. Sie sind sie können nicht das Spanischen verstehen glücklich, weil, wenn sie taten, Sie jetzt TOT sein würden, TOT."
"Nr., sind Sie das dumme. Und sie sind von der mittleren Masse, sie nicht sogar wissen, wo Spanien IST."
"Emily? Denken Sie sie möchten uns jetzt töten?" I asked and gestured to Legolas and Gimli.
"Yeah denke ich so. Lassen Sie uns Schlechtes über sie sprechen!"
"Sie sind, aber gut ungerade." This child knows no morals...
"Legolas ist nicht gerade. Er ist ich erklärt Ihnen homosexuell, HOMOSEXUELL," she said and started to snicker at my face. Oh my God...She...she...she...
"Gut wissen Sie, was? Everytime Ihre kostbare Eichel geht vorbei ich müssen meine Nase halten! SO DORT!" I retorted angrily.
"Er ist mindestens und nicht eine nancing Prinzessin von Mirkwood manly."
"You Anruf, der schreckliches manly riecht?"
"Yeah schätze ich."
"Dann sind Sie dumm."
"Offensichtlich nicht dumm genug zu wie einem homosexuellen Mann."
"LEGOLAS IS NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. To late did I realize what I said. Emily was laughing uncontrollably. Obstinate Fool pranced nervously, making disapproving noises.
"Sorry, Obstinate Fool, the other obstinate fool was making me mad," I said through gritted
teeth. How dare she say those awful things? SHE'S A HORRIBLE MONSTER!
"I bet that's wig...and I bet it's powdered..." Emily mused. I swatted her head and elbowed her stomach. Someday, I was going to kill her...maybe even today.
TRANSLATIONS
"Ich hasse Fische! Sterben Sie Sie gnadenloser Abschaum! Ich liebe Penguins. Ich liebe Zucker auch." — "I hate fish! Die you merciless scum! I love Penguins. I love sugars also."
"Keine Weise." –- Whatever—German
"¿Usted habla español o alemán?" – "Do you speak Spanish or German?"
"Nr., bilde ich heraus nicht mit Ihnen!" – "No I will not make out with you!"
"¡Pare el hablar en alemán! ¡Soy asno español, mudo!"—"Stop speaking German! I am Spanish, dumb ass!"
"Sie wünschen Essiggurken mit dem? Traurig, Dame, haben wir keine Essiggurken." – "You want pickles with that? Sorry, lady, we don't have any pickles."
"¡No puedo creerle soplé encima de Berlín!"—"I can't believe you blew up Berlin!"
"Emily, während des letzten Mal, Legolas ist nicht girly! Und eine andere Sache, der König der Eichelnotwendigkeiten, sein Haar zu waschen!" – "Emily, for the last time, Legolas is not girly! And the King of Acorns needs to wash his hair!"
"Ora li scommetto non conosco che cosa sto dicendo, strano!" – "Now I bet you don't know what I'm saying, freak!"
"Le odio. Eso está engañando. ¡Usted tiene que hablar en una lengua que entiendo!" – "I hate you. That's cheating. You have to speak in a language I understand!"
"Perchè avete ascoltato nello Spagnolo? Lo Spagnolo STA ALESANDO." – "Why did you listen in Spanish? Spanish is BORING."
"¡Le cocinaré en un tazón de fuente de tripa de la perca si usted no habla inglés pronto." – I will cook you in a bowl of perch guts if you don't speak English soon.
"Amate... ARAGORN!" – You love...Aragorn!
"¿Qué sobre Aragorn?" – What about Aragorn?
"Dije, usted, Emily, amor Aragorn." – I said you, Emily, love Aragorn.
"¡cEso NO ES VERDAD! ¡cUsted MINTIENDO POCO PAGANO! ¡cNo AMO ARAGORN!" – THAT IS NOT TRUE! YOU LYING LITTLE HEATHEN! I DON'T LOVE ARAGORN!
"Eso era malo. ¿Usted no lo ama más." – That's mean. You don't love him anymore?
"No! ¡Nunca!" – No! Never!
"Seguro. ¿Cambie al alemán, usted? Es más fácil." – Sure. Change to German, will you? It's easier.
"Sie sind, Katie dumm. Ich hoffe Sie Würfel. Sie sind sie können nicht das Spanischen verstehen glücklich, weil, wenn sie taten, Sie jetzt TOT sein würden, TOT." – You are stupid, Kate. I hope you die. You're lucky they can't understand Spanish, because if they did, you'd be DEAD. DEAD.
"Nr., sind Sie das dumme. Und sie sind von der Middle Earth, sie nicht sogar wissen, wo Spanien IST." – No, you are stupid. And they're from Middle Earth, they don't even know where Spain IS.
"Emily? Denken Sie sie möchten uns jetzt töten?" -- Emily? Do you think they want to kill us now?
"Yeah denke ich so. Lassen Sie uns Schlechtes über sie sprechen!" – Yeah, I think so. Let's talk bad about them!
"Sie sind, aber gut ungerade." – You're odd, but alright.
"Legolas ist nicht gerade. Er ist ich erklärt Ihnen homosexuell, HOMOSEXUELL." – Legolas is not straight. He is gay, I tell you, GAY."
"Gut wissen Sie, was? Everytime Ihre kostbare Eichel geht vorbei ich müssen meine Nase halten! SO DORT!" – Well you know what? Every time your precious Acorn goes by I have to hold my so. SO THERE!
"Er ist mindestens und nicht eine nancing Prinzessin von Mirkwood manly." – At least he's manly, and not a nancing Princess of Mirkwood.
"You Anruf, der schreckliches manly riecht?" – You call smelling bad manly?
"Yeah schätze ich." – Yeah, I guess.
"Dann sind Sie dumm." – Then you're stupid.
"Offensichtlich nicht dumm genug zu wie einem homosexuellen Mann." – Obviously I'm not dumb enough to like a gay man.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
YAY! Third one is UP!
Okay, I know this was confusing with all the Spanish, German, and Italian. But I swear, I only wanted to put in a few sentences. Now it's a big old conversation...Oh well, live with it. The author wanted to put in mixed language convos.
No, I cannot really speak in German or Spanish or Italian fluently. The joys of translators!
Dy: *hisses and scratches at the locked door.* Give me the muse-ling back. I NEED him for inspiration!
Bjam: I dunno...I just...think of them. And I'll give Gimli one in the next chappie, ok? Gimbal doesn't count...I love my mottos too! Obstinate Fool says to give you a hug...lol
Cat: Yeah, I do too, but we have a "budget" therefore I have to check them out of the library to conserve money or whatever. Besides, the people at the library are nice...I firmly believe librarians are always nice. Lol, the next Hitler? Alrighty then.
Little-lost-one: Really? I'm sure I don't MEAN to be against you. But anyway, hire someone—like a CIA person or Secret Service—NOT JAMES BOND. He'll demand you make out with him as payment...*shivers* SAY NO TO BOND!
Mellon: Weeeeeeeelll...I really dunno. It just, you know, POPS up in my head. Or Emily or Bonnie or someone gives me the idea. And woah, maybe they ARE related. COOL!
Dr. Evil and Toto: Oi...I've never seen the Klumps...therefore the poor little Elf cannot hear of it. *mournful sigh* And don't worry, I think Legolas is beginning to believe all of us Earth people are insane...But he better get his ass in gear...RUN FROM RICHARD SIMMONS, YOU STUPID ELF!
Elronds Bane: Dude, you're NOT LISTENING! THEY ARE MAMMALS! M-A-M-M-A-L-S!! Just because you don't SEE it doesn't mean it's not true. You are turning into a Perwin! (Person without imagination. I read it in this one book called "Razzle," really awesome book.)
Niffers: Yep, muddle puddles are great!