So this was written on a Sunday night by me [Alex] and Caitlin. Ren was banned from where we were at the time so, lol. We improvised. Personally, I believe it is amazing and one of THE best Twilight fanfictions of all time. Seriously, you will never read anything as great in the world. Be sure to thank us.
Bella walks in. Her long brown hair trailing behind her like a bear in heat.
Her eyes twinkled with excitement. She was waiting on her one true love. He was perfect in almost every way. He was a vampire, but that part doesn't matter because he sparkles which isn't very evil at all.
"Edward! Are you here!?" she shrieked, her expression unchanged, her voice monotone as predicted.
Edward waits in the trees as usual. He was expecting her - and it's hard not to spot her, as she stood out from the crowd like a diamond in the rough.
He jumped down from the tree.
"I'm here, my sweet," he mumbled distantly. "I'll never leave you."
Bella gazed up into the tree's and spotted her lover. His ghostly white skin twinkling in the moonlight.
"Edward..." she smiled to herself. He jumped down from the tree like a boss and trailed towards her.
"I've missed you", Bella spoke.
"I've missed you too," he smiles, almost awkwardly. He can't stand human contact - but if its with her, then its no problem at all.
Sliding a cold arm around her waist, they began to walk, unsure of their destination. "Where do you want to go?" he asks, uninterested. He doesn't really care, as long as he spends time with his perfect Bella.
"Let's go to McDonalds. I'm in the mood for a big ass Whopper right about now. Looking at your ass does that to me", she giggled sheepishly.
"You beautiful virgin," he grins, and they climb into his shiny volvo and drive to the nearest McDonalds. "I really love it here.." he mumbles. "So much meat.."
Bella giggled. "Oh, Edward, you and your darling craving for human flesh. You're such a doll!"
Edward and Bella guffawed in amusement.
"I'd love to take a bite out of you!" Edward laughs, almost manically, before realisation creeped onto his face. "..Yes.. I would.."
Stopping to add a little more lipstick onto his stone cold lips, he grabbed Bella's hand and lead her inside. "Oh Bella. I bet you're so glad you'll never have to work in such a low class place."
"Oh Edward, I am so glad indeed. Being an actress pays so much more. Did I mention I won an Oscar?"
"Babe, don't break down the 3rd wall", Edward muttered.
"Oh right. Edward I want a strawberry milkshake. Will you get me some?" Bella fluttered her eyelashes.
"Anything for you my love."
Edward pushed his way to the front of the line, ignoring the shouts of staff and customers alike, before saying "Two strawberry flavoured milk beverages please. A whopper for the lady, and I'll take a cheeseburger with onions - actually, forget the onions. And the cheese. And the bread. Actually, can I just have the cow?"
The woman behind the till raised an eyebrow and threw herself straight into the nearest deep fat frier.
"Awesome! Even better than a cow!" Edward exclaimed as he tucked into his deep fat fried teenage girl on a stick.
"That's my man", Bella nodded her head in appreciation to the fellow customers.
"Hmm.. It's quite bright today, isn't it Bella?" Edward asked as they left with their food.
"It is." She nodded.
"How about.. we go for a ride?" he grinned. "Wait, not that kind of ride you slut. Get on my back. Lets go to our special place."
And so Bella hopped onto Edward's back. "Yes, to our special place", snuggled into his back she felt so safe.
"Oh no!"
"What is it Bella?"
"The bridge! It's been knocked down? How will we get across the river to our special place!?"
"Not to worry, my dear. Not to worry". Little did Bella know, not only was he a vampire.
Edward was also a boat.
So Edward transformed into a the S.S. Sparkle and they made their way into the water.
"You are GENIUS!" exclaimed Bella.
"Not really," he tooted, "Just a fool in love."
Bella giggled, now sat on his deck. Deck.
They reached their destination, and Edward quickly transformed back to his sparkle poo form.
"I didn't want you to see me like that," he admits, ashamed.
"It's okay," Bella whispers and kisses his forehead, "I like it. It's hot."
"Well then babe, you're in luck. I can turn into many inanimate objects at the drop of a hat! But that's another story, for another time..."
Over the mountain, under the sea, over the rainbow, inside a triangle, outside the solar system, hid Edward and Bella's special place.
They called it "Bedward".
"Here we are!" Bella grinned.
They were now standing inside the NASA space shuttle.
"Amazing.." Bella says melancholically.
"I know." Edward replies.
"I love being here. It drags me away from my wonderful friends, family, social life, perfect grades, admirerers, etcetra.."
He squeezed her hand. "You don't need to think about that when you're with me. Only think about me. Draw a picture of me if you need to. Stick it on your wall so you can think about me some more. Thats how I cope with being away from you. I think I'm getting really good at painting nudes now."
"Well, this was fun."
"Sure was. Let's go".
So they left with that wonderful adventure burnt into their retinas.
Edward transformed into an airplane and they landed at school.
Suddenly Edward's power surcuits malfunctioned.
"Oh ballz!"
"What is it honey!?" Bella turned around to give him a sympathetic look that... really looked the same as the one she always used.
"I'm stuck as an airplane..."
Bella gasped.
"Only one man can save me now..."
"Who!?"
"... Professor Utonium".
"Professor Utonium!?" Bella exclaimed, "You.. you don't mean-"
"Yes." Edward sighed, "He is my true father. You see Bella.. when I was created, I was made to be the perfect little gi- boy. Sugar, spice, and everything nice.. until..."
He hid his face from her, to stop the tears from falling.
"There was an accident.. and.. and he accidentally mixed in some Chemical X. I.. turned out like this. And I've spent my entire life this way, keeping it a secret that I can turn into these things. And now you know, I..."
"It's okay," Bella said. "I'll get his help. I know how to pilot a plane."
She jumped aboard into the cockpit. Cockpit.
Finally after hours of peril, swerving through the sky, they made it to Townsville and hishouse.
Professor Utonium was busy fucking the postman in the entrance hall. Pun intended.
"OH GOD! MY SON! DON'T LOOK! JESUS! WHAT THE HELL MAN? I WAS JUST... DON'T YOU KNOCK?
"Sorry daddy, but this is urgent!"
Bella went and put the kettle on. "No sugar for me Petal. Or milk. Or water. Or cup." Edward shouted through.
"I know dear, just the way you like it!" She giggled in amusement.
"Damn ho, your new squeeze be BITCHIN'!" the professor said making a rude gesture with his hand.
"Thanks dad".
"Shit, its our faggot brother," said Buttercup, "Lets kick him in the nuts."
"Fuck yeah!" shouted Blossom, which Bubbles nodded her head enthusiastically.
"Hmm, who are you?" Bella asked, noticing the three girls.
"Who are we? Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm your brothers soon to be wife!"
"... WIFE? YOU MEAN HE'S NOT GAY?" Buttercup exclaimed.
"I guess you'll have to be the only homo in the family Buttercup, you big dyke!" Bubbles pointed and laughed.
"SHUT UP! I'M GENDER CONFUSED!"
"Shhhh, girls!" the professor piped in. "Can't you see your brother is currently a boeing 447? We have more important matters at hand than your sexuality and gender issues!"
"Sorry," the girls replied in unison. The professor returned to his malfunctioned son.
"Now son," he said. "How did this happen?"
"Me and my darling Bella were on a wonderful journey! But.. my transformation gene cocked up again. Sorry, Dad."
"Thats quite alright son. But I told you, only transform into something if you absoloutely need to! Like to sneak into nudist camps, and stealing porno mags from convenience stores."
"Yes, Dad."
"Now, lets see what I can do.."
The professor took off his shoe, some glue and a piece of string.
"Wha-?" Bella began.
"Shhhh, the mans a professional!" Edward calmed her.
The professor stuck the string up his nose, glued the end to his shoe, and attached his shoe to Edward's head.
....
"Is it working?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP BLOSSOM IT NEEDS TIME DAMMIT!"
"Yessir!"
....
"Okay, it's not working. That was my only cure. Now I fear we may never get to the end of this fanfiction afterall". They all burst into tears.
"But daddy, Caitlin needs to go to bed!"
"Yes daddy! It's night time in Britfag time!"
"FUCK YOU DADDY!"
"OKAY OKAY FUCK SAKE MAN!" The professor took a swig of his vodka.
"I think I know the answer!" Bella exclaimed, all eyes on her. "We need to.. break the fourth wall."
"What!?!"
"Yes, it's exactly as it sounds. We have to escape this fairytale universe and go somewhere so scary, it makes even my Eddy poo cry. Yes, we need to go to.. the real world."
"OH GOD NO!" Everyone shouted.
"It's our only hope!" Bella said desperately. "Everyone, follow me.."
And so, using the power of magic, Edward, Bella, Professor Utonium and The Powerpuff girls ended up on a street in what looked like Scotland.
"W..Where are we?" Bubbles cried.
"I don't know, dear sister.." Edward said, "But wherever we are.. we're not in Kansas anymore. I mean, Townsville."
They were stood in a dark street surrounded by identical red bricked suburban houses.
They heard a front door open.
"Oh Jesus... What have you done Alex?"
From the general direction South where England is situated came her answer "I dunno... I'm fucking running out of plot, okay!?"
"Sighh.... Hi guys".
"LOL U SOUND FUNNY!"
Caitlin cunted Bubbles in the face. "GTFO Amerifag. Let that be a lesson to all of you".
The group shared confused looks.
"Hmm... yes. Well, we need your help. As you can see, my son here, Edward, he's a plane.."
"Wow, I would have never have noticed..."
"Yes, and we need to turn him back into a magic sparkly vampire."
"What? And you think just because I'm Scottish I'm going to have some hockis pockis to fix this?"
...
"Thankfully for you, yes, I do."
Caitlin let out a loud whistle.
"NESSSSSSIEEEE!!"
Out of nowhere, The Lockness Monster appeared, and on it's back was Alex, holding the reigns.
"SUP CAIT! JUST BRINGING YOUR HOCKIS POCKIS! YEAH SORRY, NESSIE WAS VISITING ME IN ENGLAND."
The monster landed on top of Professor Utonium, crushing him to death.
"DADDY!" Edward screamed, and tried to reach out to him, however his entire body was covered with monster fat.
"Oh Eddykins," Bella sobbed into his shoulder, "He was like a father to me, too."
"Right," Cait said, "Anyway. You don't want to be a plane anymore, right?"
Bubbles snorted at the scottish accent, but Cait threw some haggis at her.
"Right! I don't want to be a plane anymore. I want to be with Bella forever."
"Okay. Nessie, do the honors."
Alex jumped off the monsters back for safety.
Nessie spat out two red sparkling shoes into Edward's hand. Edward wiped away his tears and sniffled "But my Daddy never let me cross dress. He said only gay boys did that, and he wanted me to be a strong manly bisexual vampire!"
"Well, he's dead int eh?" Cait scoffed.
"Well, that is true..." the group contemplated.
"Oooh, what the heck!" Edward squeeked and stepped into his high heeled ruby red shoes.
"Naice..." Bella admired.
"Kay so, what you do is click your heels together and say 'There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home...'" Alex demonstrated.
"Ah fuck, I got spot antibiotic in my eye and I'm in quite a lot of pain so can you take over Alex while I wash my eye out?" Cait whined.
"Sure."
Caitlin ran into the bathroom.
"Okay Edward," Alex said, "Whenever you're ready."
Edward gulped and grabbed onto his lover's arm. "Are you sure this will take me home? And why do I have feet if I'm an aeroplane?"
"Does it really matter? Just do it."
Shutting his eyes, Edward took a deep breath and exclaimed, "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME..."
Everyone watched as he and Bella were elevated into the air, a brilliant light surrounding them and a chorus of angels singing. Even Caitlin looked out of her bathroom window, her puffy, bloodshot eyes wide. She and Alex waved from below, shouting, "Don't come back!", before one final..
"...THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!"
And Robert Pattinson shot up from his bed, forehead sweaty.
"What the hell?" he mumbled, "What was that...?"
"What was what?" Cedric Diggory said, who had been snuggled under the sheets with him, wand alight from the spell 'Lumos.'
"...Just a scary dream I had. I was called Edward.. and there was McDonalds, and.. a scottish girl and and english girl and... nevermind. Just go back to sleep."
"Okay, love." Cedric whispered. "Nox."
The lights went out.
THE END
You're welcome.