THE LEGEND OF ZELDA

A Twilight Princess Parody

Yo, what's up? My name is Link. I'd ask you to tell me yours, but don't bother because I obviously can't hear you. Anyway, I just had the craziest adventure of my life - saving the world.

First of all, I didn't even want to save the world to begin with. I just wanted a normal life. Is that too much to ask? Apparantly so, because every time I complained, asking, "Why me?" I'd get the same pissy answer every damn time. "Shut up and do it. It is your destiny." Yeah, well you can go suck a dick, Fate.

"Oh Link, the Chosen One, you have to do something! Ganondorf is trying to take over Hyrule again!"

Give me one good reason why I should give a damn. Have you met the people who live here? Trust me, the world would be better off without these brainless idiots. Yet despite how, should we say, opinionated, I was about the whole ordeal, I had no choice either way. So, for months I traveled back and forth all over every last square mile of Hyrule, through wind and snow and rain, saving people's asses from all kinds of bullshit just to get no recognition or even a single thank you for it. Ungrateful pricks.

This one guy once asked me to get back a priceless family vase that was stolen from him. Yeah, a fucking vase. Like I don't have more important things to do with my time. I did it anyway, though, because he offered to pay me and I happened to need rupees at the time. So I busted my ass with all this run-around shit to get back this guy's fucking vase, and when I brought it back to him he only complained to me that it got damaged, and how dare I, and bitch, bitch, bitch. So you know what I did? I threw the vase on the ground and smashed it to pieces with my foot by stomping on it repeatedly while he watched. The rupees he offered me didn't even matter anymore at that point. Ungrateful douche bags like him really piss me off, so after I destroyed his vase I told him to go eat a bag of dicks. When a man goes out of his way to help you out you shut up and say thank you, ass hole. Well, now he had no vase to complain about. Problem solved.

Who would want to save a world full of people like this? I helped people out, saved lives, and restored suffering lands to their former glory. But did anyone notice, or even care? No. Fine, then. I don't care either. Why should I if they don't? I guess Midna wasn't kidding when she said I may be doomed to toil in obscurity forever.

Now, you're probably wondering what in the hell I'm going on about. Or maybe you don't care. Either way, I don't give a shit if you care or not, so sit back and relax and I'll tell you my story. Now, where should I begin? Ah, I know.

It all started at Faron Spring.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess and the characters within all belong solely to Nintendo.