People are stupid. People are just really stupid. I know this isn't something that's a big secret or anything…but it just kind of hit me a few days ago. And it sort of pisses me off. No, wait, it really pisses me off. I'm a senior in high school and I pretty much know what I'm going to do with my life and if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to, that's fine too. My peers, however, somehow think that if they slack off all the time and never get any work done, then somehow they will get an amazing job that pays a million dollars a year or something. I have been in countless arguments this year, arguments that led nowhere. Words were spewed, insults were thrown, logical points were attempted, but no views were changed. Dogmatic students cannot be reasoned with.
I've become the overprotective mother of my friends. I know that I shouldn't be because it's not like I'm some perfect person who never makes mistakes, but I can't help it. Every time I know someone is going to make a mistake, I have to correct them instead of letting them figure it out for themselves. I'd like to think there's a good side of me too, which would explain why I still have friends in the first place. But I love saying "I told you so." It's like my favorite phrase. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm constantly nagging my friends and putting them down. But when I think they're making a huge mistake, I'm not afraid to say so. The problem is that they rarely listen to me, and I'm always right in the end. It's incredibly difficult to watch because if my peers would all just listen to me, then it would be ok. I cannot wait to graduate and get away from these imbeciles.
Ok, maybe that was a little harsh. I mean, I do have friends that don't drive me crazy. Muffy, Arthur and Buster are all great. They know what they're doing most of the time and we all get along really well.
Muffy used to be really snobby, but high school has calmed her down quite a bit. When her parents refused to get her a Porsche for her sixteenth birthday, she realized that her parents were not going to give her anything she wanted just because she asked for it. She threw a huge tantrum, but she was ignored by her parents and us. We all knew that a Porsche was way too nice for a first car. She pouted for a month or two and then came around. I think in her heart she knew that her request was unreasonable, and that's why she learned her lesson so well.
Arthur and Buster are pretty much the same. Buster's been very popular with the ladies all through high school since he's cool and confident and an incredibly nice guy. He has a girlfriend named Kelsey. They've been dating for six months. Arthur was jealous for a while, but I think he's fine now. He and Kelsey get along great and she lets Buster have "guy time" so he and Arthur can hang out too.
Speaking of which, in case you were wondering, Arthur's still Arthur. Bookworm, average, super friendly. Arthur.
"Francine!" Muffy calls as she walks quickly to catch up with me. She can't walk too fast because she's wearing high heels and a short skirt. I've told her that wearing high heels all the time will ruin her feet, but she doesn't care.
I turn. She looks fashionable, as always. I smile at her. "Hey Muffy." I stop and wait for her. It's lunch time, so I'm in no hurry.
"Guess what?" she squeals excitedly when she catches up. "Ethan was totally flirting with me in class today! He would not stop staring at me!"
"Really? That's cool. Are you gonna ask him out?" Muffy frequently tells me about cute boys that I don't care about. I like sports and video games. Dating isn't really what I'm interested in right now. But I humor Muffy, just like she humors me when I talk about video game purchases.
She giggles. "No…I'm playing hard-to-get. I have to know he's willing to try before he gets me." She smirks a little. Muffy is a little…manipulative at times. She likes to by flirty without using words. I usually hate coy girls, but I've known Muffy forever so I'm used to it. She knows that I refuse to be her shoulder to cry on when a boy dumps her because it's usually her fault that they left. And I know that she refuses to play video games with me.
"Oh," I reply, "Well, I hope it turns out ok."
"Me too. How did you do on that history test?" she asks as we start walking toward the cafeteria.
"Um, ok. I mean, I think I did ok. We don't get them back until Thursday."
"Oh, really? Ours are graded already. Mr. Frank grades tests, like, super-duper fast. We get our tests back, like, almost immediately. It's so weird. I think Mr. Frank is a robot or something."
I laugh a little. "Now you sound like Buster in elementary school."
"I said 'robot', not 'alien'," Muffy corrects.
"Alien? I thought he liked robots when we went to Lakewood."
"Oh, I don't know. It was, like, ten years ago. Speaking of Buster, there he is now. Oh, he's holding hands with Kelsey! How cute!"
They are pretty cute. They're really good about not being too cutesy and stuff during school, which we can all appreciate. Not enough teen couples do that, I think. Buster waves and Kelsey smiles at us, showing off her dimples.
"Hey guys," Buster says, "Where shall we sit today?"
Kelsey looks up at Buster. Buster is really tall. "Can we sit outside today? It's gorgeous out. The outdoor seats are all going to be taken if we don't hurry."
"Yeah, I am not sitting in grass wearing this," Muffy says, gesturing toward her skirt.
"Ok. Can you save us some seats, Kels?" Buster asks. She brought her lunch today. Kelsey lets go of Buster's hand before walking toward a table.
Muffy grins. "You guys are so cute!"
"Thanks Muffy," Buster replies. He doesn't like being called cute because he thinks it's too cheesy. But he humors her anyway, like the rest of us do. I know that sounds terrible, but let me just point out that Muffy does have friends that act the same way she does and love to talk about shoes and all that.
"Oh my god, hi Brittany! I haven't talked to you in, like, forever!" Muffy exclaims as she passes a table. She stays behind to talk with her friend.
"Ok, she's gone," I say, "Now we can talk about the new Black Ops."
Buster turns to me with excitement in his eyes. "Only three more months!"
"I know, right? I'm can't wait! I'm super excited for the futuristic setting." We walk toward the line. Arthur is waiting too.
"Me too," Buster replies, "But I haven't really given the setting much thought. I just need zombies to be happy."
"Yeah, you love zombies don't you?"
He laughs. "Of course I do!" We approach Arthur at the back of the line. "Hey bro, what's up?"
"Not much. What are you guys talking about?" Arthur pushes his glasses further up the bridge of his nose.
"Nothing really. I'm just excited for the new Black Ops," I say.
"Oh me too," Arthur replies. "What are guys getting for lunch?"
"I don't know," Buster says thoughtfully, "Haven't decided yet."
Later, we all sit at the table Kelsey picked out for us. The sun feels nice. It's a constant reminder that in a little over three months, I'll be out of here. Just in time to play the Black Ops II with Arthur and Buster. A perfect summer.
Over the weekend, I play COD with Buster and Arthur. Arthur's particularly angry that he keeps dying, which is weird because we all know he's not that good and we've never teased him for it. After about twenty minutes, a message comes up on the screen.
RutharxXIII has quit the game.
He ragequit.
"What was that all about?" Buster asks.
"Beats me. Maybe he's having a bad day," I reply.
"I guess. BOOM HEADSHOT!" Buster screams into my headset.
"That was not a headshot. That clearly went into his neck!"
"Don't ruin my moment bro!" Buster makes his character jump up and down in joy.
"Dude," I yell, "Stop looking like a freaking idiot and play the game!"
Buster always gets way too excited when we play games together. I'm the aggressive one. Arthur is just Arthur.
Monday rolls around and Arthur is particularly stolid. He's avoiding us and doesn't show up at lunch. Buster goes to look for him and says that he's talking to some guys that he didn't recognize. Arthur must have some friends that I don't know about or something. He occasionally hangs out with other people than us.
But he continues to avoid us throughout the rest of the day. Something is definitely off with him.
"How rude!" Muffy utters her catchphrase as Arthur refuses to wave or make eye contact at her as we pass him.
"Just ignore him Muffy. He's having a bad day or something," I remark.
"I was just trying to, like, say hi to him. People are so rude these days."
I give her a fake smile. "Yes. You've told me that before. Many times."
She doesn't catch the fakeness in my comment. "I mean, really. Who does he think he is? Maybe he's just jealous of me."
I sigh angrily. "Oh just shut up. Arthur is not jealous of you. Stop assuming every goddamn person is jealous of you. It's really annoying to listen to you blather on about that all the time."
Muffy gives me an icy glare. I ignore her. She can't fight me in those shoes, and I can kick her ass any time I damn well please. I start walking slightly ahead of her because I know she can't keep up with me in that outfit. Stupid Arthur, making me snap at Muffy. Stupid Arthur ignoring me. Stupid Arthur acting all weird for no reason. Stupid stupid stupid.
The next day, same deal. It's really starting to get on my nerves. Buster looks more sad than anything else. But he has Kelsey to comfort him. She looks sad too.
This is getting so dumb. I'm making Arthur tell me what the hell is going on if it's the last thing I do. He's walking about ten feet ahead of me, on his way home. He can walk home, so I know he's in no rush.
"Arthur!" I yell. I'm right behind him. I know he can hear me.
Nothing.
"Oh for the love of—" I grab his arm and turn him around. He still refuses to make eye contact. "What is wrong with you? You're driving us all crazy! Buster's heartbroken because you're not even looking at him! What's the deal?" Ok…so I'm not the warmest of friends, but he's making me mad.
"Nothing," he mumbles.
I sigh heavily through my nose. It comes out as more of a growl, actually. Arthur finally looks at me and pulls me aside. I can't tell if he's on the verge of crying or exploding in anger. Maybe both.
"Listen," he hisses, "I'm so sick and tired of being this nerdy lunatic that nobody knows. It's my senior year. I should be someone right now. I should be able to fit in! But I've never even had a damn girlfriend before. I want more friends, more dates, more everything! I want a life!"
This is not what I expected. Arthur's never been like this before. He's always been happy with us. This is ridiculous. "What are you talking about, Arthur?" I hiss back, "You do fit in! You fit in with us!"
"No, you weren't listening! I want to graduate with some sort of reputation! I don't want to be known as some nerd that sits inside all day playing stupid games like Halo!"
I push my bangs out of my face angrily. "Ok, first of all, you never play Halo. Secondly, Halo is not stupid."
"Oh yes it is. It's completely overrated. There's no point to it!"
"Oh really? Well I think that Final Fantasy is overrated."
He adjusts his glasses. "Whatever. I don't care about any of those games anymore."
I roll my eyes. "Really? Even Kingdom Hearts? You love that series! Your gamertag indicates nothing else!"
He glares at me. "Did I stutter? I said any of those games." He sighs. "This is stupid. I'm done talking to you. I'm different now. I'm going to be a better person now." Arthur walks away, leaving everything he ever was behind him.
Better person? What could be better than being the nicest nerd I know? Arthur was just Arthur, but there was nothing wrong with that. That's why I'm still friends with him after all these years. Well…was friends anyway.
Buster appears out of nowhere with Kelsey on his arm. Both have sad eyes.
"So?" Buster says eagerly.
I can't break Buster's heart. I can't tell him. But he already knows that something is wrong. I just shake my head and walk away. He doesn't follow me. Kelsey stands up on her toes to kiss his cheek and leads him away. I've never seen Buster so devastated. What could be worse than losing the person you care for the most without them actually going anywhere?
My dreams that night are erratic and angry. I keep dreaming about Arthur and me as little kids, when I was the difficult one. Everything made sense in our world. Ignorance was a state we never wanted to leave. Childhood was a time of unending wonder. And then everything falls apart in my dream. It becomes a flurry of insults and arguments that I've never had. Everything is negative and wrong. I try to reach Arthur to tell him that I was right all along, but I never get there. It's all a blur of negative emotion that I can't escape.
I shoot up in bed, angry and still in the confusion of the half-asleep state. Irrational and random thoughts are circling my head. I'm so exhausted that tears well up in my eyes. I reach behind me to grab my pillow and hug it, attempting to calm myself down and keep my thoughts straight.
My door opens. "Franky?" It's my dad. "Are you ok? We could hear you down the hall. What's wrong?"
I shake my head vigorously. "Can't sleep. Too much drama. So tired. So confused. I don't know what's going on…" Nothing makes sense when you're half asleep.
"Shh…" my dad whispers as he sits down next to me on the bed. "You just had a bad dream and can't go back to sleep. Everything's ok." He pulls me into his arms. "Everything's ok."
It's not. I know it's not. But I pretend it is so I can fall asleep.
Over the next few days, Arthur seems to have disappeared. Buster and I know he's at school since people have been seeing him in class, but we can't find him anywhere, not even outside of school. He's never online anymore.
Buster messages me his worries.
DeathDefying: Please tell me what Arthur said to you that day.
Frensky_Star: ….
Frensky_Star: I can't. I don't think he wants us to know. I had to force it out of him.
DeathDefying: Pleeeeeaaaaase. It's driving me insane. It's breaking my heart.
Frensky_Star: Ok…fine. I'll tell you tomorrow morning. It's too complex to talk about on here. I promise I'll tell you tomorrow morning.
I see Buster running toward me with fear in his eyes the next morning, and I have a feeling that I don't have to tell him after all. Buster's holding a large plastic bag.
"Buster, what's wrong?" I ask.
He hands me the bag and I look inside. It's a bunch of games. Then I realize what kind of games they are.
"Kingdom Hearts?" I say quietly.
Buster nods. It's weird that one little game could hold so much weight, but it does. It's the only game that Arthur really likes that neither of us like. Buster likes first-person zombie games a million times better than RPG and I hate cut scenes. Kingdom Hearts is Arthur's game. It always has been. Holding these games in my hands is like holding everything Arthur was.
Buster laughs to hide his immense sadness. "You know, I never thought I'd be so disappointed to see all these Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy games. But Arthur just handed them to me hastily without saying anything. I think he knew we would understand what it meant."
"Hey!" someone shouts. It's Kelsey, running up to us. She sees Buster and immediately hugs him tightly.
"Hi," Buster mumbles.
"Oh my god, Buster…baby, what's wrong? What happened? You look like you haven't slept all night." She runs her hands through his hair.
"I haven't. It's…Arthur…he's…." he trails off. Kelsey turns to me.
"He's gone," I say quietly, "Arthur's gone." My words come out sternly. I'm mortified that Arthur would leave us, but I'm just angry because I know that this is going to end badly. I tend not to get sad very often. Only angry.
Kelsey gets what I mean. She leads Buster to a nearby bench and they both sit. She puts her arms around him and pulls him close.
Suddenly, it really sucks not having a boyfriend.
Over the course of the day, I become angry at everything around me. I'm on edge all day. Everything seems to make this situation worse. Arthur is dead wrong about this change, and I have to prove it.
What made him change so suddenly anyway? Maybe he saw some cute girl he wants to impress. Maybe he had an epiphany a couple weeks ago. Maybe maybe maybe. I guess the reality of the situation is that sometimes people change for no reason at all. They do a 180 because they're sick of the way they are or something. I don't know why Arthur decided to change, but I'm doing everything in my power to stop him.
Arthur meant what he said. He's a completely different person now. It's only been a week and his entire image has changed. He doesn't wear glasses now and only wears black clothes. He's even swearing more. This isn't who he is. He's wrong.
"Maybe you should talk to him," I suggest at lunch. "He'll listen."
Buster scoffs. "Yeah right! Why don't you go talk to him?"
"No way! You're his best friend!"
"Well you used to date the guy!"
"That was a long time ago!" I say with a flippant gesture.
"So? You know him more intimately than I ever will."
I sigh. "I don't want to argue over this. I just thought that it might help if someone talks to him."
"Francine, he's not talking to anyone other than his new friends."
"But I really don't want him to do this."
"I know that…but we can't do anything right now."
"But he's so wrong about this! I have to show him he's wrong." My face starts to get hot.
Buster sighs and says in a low tone, "Francine, listen to me. I realize that it's hard for you to watch your friends make mistakes. I know that you love to be right. You are completely right in this situation. Arthur is completely wrong. But confronting him about it, isn't going to do anyone any good. You have to let it go."
I shake my head. "I can't. I simply can't. And I know that you can't either. You can't expect me to believe that you're ok with this."
"Letting something go does not have to mean you're ok with it. I'm still getting over the loss of my best friend. I'm still sad and angry about it. It still really hurts. My heart has yet to heal. But I know I'll get over it eventually. It just takes time. And I know that you can too."
The lunch bell rings. I throw my hands up in exasperation. No one ever listens to me.
In the next week, I see Arthur with a girl walking beside him, holding his hand. An attractive girl.
By the time I see Buster in second period, he's nodding his head. "I saw," he says sullenly, "It's amazing isn't it?"
"Since when does Arthur want a girlfriend?" I say exasperatedly, "I didn't even know he was interested in dating until he told me how he hated being a nerd. What is with him?"
Buster's eyes are tired. I suddenly feel bad. Not only is he dealing with the loss of Arthur, but he also has to listen to me rant about it every day. I've spoken of little else for the past month.
I sit down in my seat next to him. "I'm sorry I've been bringing this up so much. You probably don't want to hear about it. I'll stop talking about him."
"It's ok," Buster says in the same sullen way.
"No, really. I won't bring it up anymore." I look over at him. He's staring straight ahead, barely moving. He's slowly moving past sadness and into numbness, which usually means silent anger. At least it does for me.
"Hey," I say, and put my hand on his shoulder. He still doesn't look at me. "Are you ok?"
"Yep," he replies quickly.
"…Are you sure?"
"Yes," he says firmly. I shut up.
Later I find Kelsey and ask her how he's doing.
She smiles sadly. "He's making his way through the grieving process. He just needs time. That's all."
"That's what I thought," I say, "And how are you doing? Dating someone who's going through a tough time is difficult."
"Oh I'm just fine. Don't worry about me." She gives me a hug and walks to class.
As graduation slowly gets closer, Arthur's changes become more and more drastic. He dyes his hair black and grows it out until it covers his eyes. He gets his lip pierced. He starts strutting everywhere. Girls are all over him. He must have a new girlfriend every three weeks, if not less. The worst change of all, though, is that he becomes a weekend drinker. I found that out from Muffy.
"You would not believe who I saw at this party the other night!" she cries one day.
"Who? Your ex?"
"No…I mean…yes. But I also saw Arthur there." We hadn't filled her in on his changes so I'm not surprised at how shocked she sounded.
"Yeah…he does that now."
"But, he was, like, drinking and stuff. He was acting like a player or something. There were loads of girls there, and he was hitting on, like, every single one."
I nervously rub the back of my neck. "Yeah…can we not talk about it? It's kind of a sensitive subject." My mom has been telling me that the only way not to get angry over this all the time is to avoid talking about it. It's been working so far. I'm starting to settle down a little bit and I've stopped bringing Arthur every five seconds, which I'm sure Buster appreciates. I really want to learn more about how Arthur was acting at the party, but I stop myself. It's not worth it.
Muffy listens to me for once. "Um…yeah. I get it. This must be really hard on Buster, am I right?"
"Yeah. You're right."
Buster's heart has been slowly healing. He still has his moments of sadness, but they're not as bad. Kelsey has helped a lot. Buster's able to have a good time with us. He looks genuinely happy again, at least most of the time.
I've stopped filling in Buster on what Arthur does nowadays because it only plunges him into depression. So when I see him at lunch today, I smile and don't' bring it up, although it has sparked some fresh anger in me.
Buster's wearing a black hoodie with a little chain thingy in the front. It looks like it's from something…but I can't put my finger on it.
"Hey Francine!" Kelsey says happily as I sit down. She's such an amazing girlfriend. She's helped Buster through all this crap without getting angry or going crazy. And she always puts on a happy face for him.
"Hey," I reply and turn to Buster. "What's with the hoodie?"
He swallows a bite of his lunch. "What do you mean? I wear hoodies all the time."
"Yeah but there's a…thing on the front of it. Like, a chain or whatever."
He looks down. "Oh that. This is actually a Kingdom Hearts hoodie."
"How so?" I can't see what a black hoodie with a chain in the front represents Kingdom Hearts.
"It's…complicated. I barely understand it. Basically, there's this organization that wears these things and…yeah…Arthur gave it to me shortly after he handed the games to me. But it's a nice hoodie so…"
"Oh. What did you do with all those games anyway?" I ask.
"Uh, I have them still. I can't just get rid of them."
"Are you planning on playing them? I thought you hated RPG."
"No I'm not going to play them."
That seems like a dumb thing to do. It would only make the pain worse, wouldn't it? "Then why…"
Buster locks his green eyes on mine. "Francine, this is all I have left of him."
I can feel Kelsey staring at me. I don't say anything in reply and look away. It was stupid of me to bring it up. Now Buster's upset and my shoulders are tense in anger. I try to forget about Arthur, but these new thoughts keep intruding my brain.
So he's a drunk now? That's what his life has come to? He's the kind of person who parties all night? I temporarily lose hope in this world. It always comes back eventually, but right now, every teenager in this school is going to turn out sad and alone. All because they didn't listen to me.
Buster's apparently still feeling sad from this afternoon, because he messages after school with a random question.
DeathDefying: This is good, right?
Frensky_Star: What is?
DeathDefying: Arthur's getting what he wants. He's dating girls, hanging out with friends, having fun. This is good, right?
Franky_Star: It could be perceived that way, yes.
Buster pauses for a minute before replying.
DeathDefying: Then why do I have this unending feeling that something terrible is going to happen?
Frensky_Star: Because you're right.
People don't learn from this situations unless something terrible happens. You can't learn a lesson unless you fail, or someone pulls you away from complete failure at the last second. I know this is true, and I know Arthur will never listen to me. But the phrase "I told you so" is still burning my tongue, and it won't stop until I utter the phrase out loud.
Today is graduation day. I'm still mad as hell about this whole ordeal with Arthur, but I repress it. No one will listen to my rants anymore because everyone thinks I'm over it now. There's still a fiery anger in my chest that won't go away, that I've stopped trying to do anything about.
Arthur keeps bragging about how wasted he's going to get and how much booze he'll sneak in to the all-night grad party. In front of faculty members. If there's one thing that could fully represent Arthur's stupidity, this would be it. I mean, seriously? In front of people who are running the damn party? Honestly, I just want this day to be over. I'm too enraged to by happy at my graduating now.
I smile for the pictures taken of me anyway. I mean, my family matters to me too. They're all proud of me and whatever so I might as well suck it up and put on a happy face. Every time I catch Arthur out of the corner of my eye, I attempt to glare at him, but he never makes eye contact with me.
Buster and Muffy find me and we all give each other hugs and stuff. Muffy immediately gets pulled away by one of her hundreds of girly friends. Buster and I look at each other.
"You excited?" I ask with faux enthusiasm. I genuinely want to know, but I'm tired and really want to go home.
"Yep." He smiles. It looks like he's actually happy.
"Yeah me too. I'm tired though."
"Yeah I am too."
I yawn.
"Guess what I'm wearing under this?" Buster asks.
"Um…do I want to know?" I smile and raise an eyebrow.
He laughs slightly and unzips his gown. It's the Kingdom Hearts hoodie.
Before I have a chance to reply, Kelsey finds us and hugs Buster really tight. She's the type of person who becomes hyper when she's tired.
"Hey guys!" she squeals, "Aren't you excited? We've graduated! This is the biggest accomplishment of our lives, so far!"
Buster hugs Kelsey back. "I'm excited too. Trust me. I'm just tired."
"Oh I am too. But you know me!" She lets go of Buster and starts jumping up and down.
He smiles at her. "Yes, I do. You're just Miss Hyper."
She nods and continues jumping.
I'm almost happy until Arthur walks by and I'm all angry again.
Over time, just like everything else, I get over it. Sort of. It's been about six months since graduation. I'm taking classes at a local college. I still like playing sports with my friends when I can, although it's hard to do so when it's snowing half the time.
Muffy and I drifted pretty quickly, which I expected since she made no notion to keep in contact. I think she's going to the same college as me and taking some fashion classes or something. I see her sometimes around town (Elwood City is pretty small), but I don't say hi or anything. She's busy, I'm sure.
Buster and Kelsey, unfortunately, drifted over time as well. They broke up shortly after graduation. It was mutual. She got into a college far away and Buster wanted to stay close to family. They both agreed it was the best decision. Buster and I, though, still keep in contact occasionally. I still consider us friends. We're just both leading busy lives.
I'm sipping the coffee I brewed that morning with a quilt around me. Now that it's December, I do everything I can to stay warm. I don't even like coffee that much, but it's the only hot drink I'm capable of making. That's what I get for being a part time barista I guess. Everything's closed due to snow, so I can do whatever I want, but I can't resist making coffee in the morning.
My cell phone rings. It's right next to me, since work had just called informing me of the closure. Buster's calling. That's odd.
"Hello?" I say.
I hear static in the background, like someone's driving.
"Hello?" I repeat.
"Hi Francine." Buster's voice
"Hey. Oh my god, what's going on? What happened?"
"Um…it's Arthur. I just came home from the hospital…"
Hearing Arthur's name flares up the anger in my chest that had been dormant for so long. "What did he do this time?" I say through clenched teeth.
"He…hold on. I gotta pull over." There's silence for a minute. "Ok. Francine…Arthur's dead. He's gone for good. I came…I came to visit him…but he was already gone." Buster stops trying to form sentences and resorts to weeping bitterly.
I love Buster, but I feel so awkward when one of my friends is crying. I rarely feel sadness, so it's hard for me to be sympathetic. My heart sinks in grief, but I'm also overwhelmed with blind rage. I told Arthur not to lead his life this way. I knew it was going to end this way. But there's no satisfaction saying "I told you so" to a corpse.
I don't even ask how he died, but I'm sure it's in a stupid way. Buster's still crying relentlessly so I stay on the line, shifting awkwardly into my quilt. I realize suddenly that Arthur knitted me this quilt while we were dating….
"F-Francine?" Buster sputters after a few minutes. "You there?"
"Yeah." I feign concern. I'm too enraged to a genuine friend right now. "You alright?"
"Uh-huh. I think so. I just…really wanted to say goodbye, you know?"
"Oh I'm sure you did."
He pauses. "Are you mad at me or something? You sound a little distant."
"No I'm not mad at you. I'm really pissed at Arthur though. I totally saw this coming."
"Yeah…I guess I did too. God, I miss Kelsey. I'll bet she won't find out for months. Um, do you want to know how he died?"
"Did he die stupidly?"
"Well, his friend beat him to death with a beer bottle."
"Ah, so I'm right."
"Francine, can you at least pretend to be sad?! One of your friends was just murdered!"
I sigh. "I doubt he was really murdered. He probably told his friend to beat him."
"That doesn't matter! His family is still grieving! I'm grieving! We're all pretty damn upset, so I'd appreciate you showing some sympathy!"
"Fine! Geez! It's just hard to be sad over this when Arthur had it coming to him. I'll come to the funeral. I'm not that heartless. Where is it?"
Buster tells me the location. It may seem odd that the funeral has already been planned, considering Arthur had died merely hours ago. Apparently, though, he was beat about a week ago. The doctors had no hope for him surviving, so the family had discussed it already. The Reads are a pretty tough family to talk about the funeral like that. Or maybe they just sensed the inevitable, like I did.
Eventually, I hang up and stare at the snow falling outside. Something that's always been able to calm me down is watching the snow fall. Singing does too, but my parents are still asleep. I doubt they want to be awoken by the sound of my voice. I put on my winter clothes so I can go outside and enjoy the snowfall before my head explodes.
Arthur's death ends up in the paper. The story is full of crap. It implies that Arthur was at the wrong place at the wrong time, indicating that an innocent life had been taken unfairly. Yeah right. If anything, an immature and irresponsible life had been taken justly. It was bound to happen.
I'm biting my tongue during the funeral. Everyone looks so sad and sorry, and for what? It's as if they don't get that Arthur died in a dumb way. While overhearing conversations, I hear that Arthur had told is friend to beat him with a beer bottle in order to prove how tough he was, just like I predicted. Just a rumor? Maybe. Wrong place at the wrong time? Hell no. Arthur knew exactly what he was doing. He paid the price. And now he'll never know how wrong he was because I'll never be able to tell him.
The funeral ends, but Buster insists on talking to me for a few minutes. After he finds someone else to talk to, I try and sneak out because I'm becoming angrier by the second. But I didn't realize that the Reads would be by the exit, with a long line of people waiting to express their condolences before they leave.
Only then do I see the faces of two parents who have just lost a child, a sight I never want to see again.
They're much sadder than I had anticipated. Jane and David both have tear-stained cheeks. They willingly accept hugs and kisses from friends and family. They're both putting on brave faces. It's clear their hearts have been shattered. Not only are they mourning, but they have to help their other two children grieve the loss of their big brother. They have to give the difficult "It's ok to cry" speech and the "There's no one way you have to feel" speech. They have to keep the sanity of their younger children by keeping communication open, while trying to keep their own mental stability in check.
D.W. is crying without restraint. She's always been the tough one. I've only seen her cry when she's trying to get attention. But now she's hiding her tears by standing behind her mom. She won't let anyone touch her. She's the oldest now. Never again will she have a big brother to guide her and protect her. She's the guider and protector now, a responsibility that she never suspected she'd have.
Kate stands rigid with wide eyes. She's only ten, and probably has no idea what's really going on. Her heart tells her she's lost her brother, but she doesn't understand what that means quite yet. And when she does, who knows how she'll react.
D.W. kneels down beside her sister, who continues to stand rigidly. "Katie?" D.W. says quietly, trying to get some response. Nothing. "Katie? Don't worry. Everything will be ok." D.W. sputters through quivering lips. It's not true. Everything will not be ok. But D.W. pretends it is so she can be the strong one again.
My anger has melted, leaving me numb. Still no sympathy. Still no sadness. I know I can't face the Reads, so I take a back exit and go home.
Until now, it hadn't really hit me how much Arthur's death had hurt people. These people are mourning his loss, despite the fact he deserved it. He did deserve it, right?
I try and take my mind off of this weird feeling in my stomach by playing Call of Duty, but it doesn't work. It's not as fun without Buster's silly antics. After dying about sixty times, I quit. I'm not getting the satisfaction out of killing things as I normally do anyway. Because I'm not engorged with anger right now. But I'm not sure what this feeling is. It's definitely not sadness. I'm just numb…and confused. I think.
I take a walk around town. For some reason, I keep seeing Arthur everywhere. Every time I do, I have this urge to run up to him and slap him across the face. If he had just freaking listened to me, then we wouldn't be in this mess. All I want is for him to see the hurt he caused because of his stupidity.
Because I keep seeing Arthur's stupid face everywhere, I flip my hood up so I don't have to look at anyone and walk home with my hands in my pockets, hoping I don't fall in the ice and break my nose.
It's surprising how difficult it is to accept that life goes on after someone dies. It's like everyone expects the world to stop for a while during this mourning period. But it doesn't. Everything's exactly the same. I guess people don't matter that much to the world, do they? Only to individuals. Despite the loss, there's still bills to be paid, classes to attend, work to do, all that stuff. I pass people that are going on with their lives, people that have no idea there's now one less Arthur in the world. Although, I guess that isn't true, since three or four babies are born every second. One is bound to be named Arthur.
I sigh angrily. This walk isn't clearing my head, my video games aren't relaxing me. I don't feel like doing anything. I continue walking, because there's nothing better to do. It becomes clear to me that I'm walking laps around the Sugar Bowl and getting weird looks from the cashier inside, but I don't care. Eventually, when the stars come out and the Sugar Bowl manager tells me to get the hell of his property, I go home.
The next day is the same. This weird feeling doesn't go away. I'm still going to class and I'm still working. But I have this unending feeling that I can't give a name too. I wish I knew what it was. It's like emptiness, confusion, with some anger thrown in for good measure. But there's always anger when it comes to Arthur.
After about two weeks, I'm getting fed up with feeling this way, so I finally tell my mom what's going on. She almost laughs.
"Mom! You're not supposed to laugh at me."
"Sorry," she replies, and drops her smile, "I just think it's funny that you don't understand what's going on. It's quite obvious. You miss Arthur. A person was taken out of your life, and you miss him."
"What?!" I explode, "I do not miss Arthur! I'm furious that he left me and Buster behind! He didn't listen to me and he paid the price! Good riddance, I say. He deserved it." Right?
My mom scowls. "Francine, no one ever deserves to die. And I don't care what you say. You're showing signs of the grieving process. Very obvious signs. Maybe you should take some time off work so you don't have a mental breakdown or something. You need to let your sadness out."
"I'm not sad! I'm never sad!"
"HA!" my mom shouts, "Don't give me that crap! I'm your mother. I've seen you sad many, many times. You're sad now, I can tell. I know how you act when you try and hide your true emotions."
"I am not! I'm angry! Infuriated! I never got to tell Arthur I was right!" I storm out of the room. My mom sits in silence. She knows better than anyone how to deal with my temper. There's no way I'm calming down unless I'm alone for a while. A long while.
I start walking again, trying to clear my head once more, even though it didn't work last time. Doubt starts to creep in my head. Maybe she's right. Maybe this is my twisted way of grieving Arthur. I still can't stop thinking about D.W. who, at the tender age of fourteen, has to deal with the responsibilities of being the older sibling. The wide, frightened eyes of Kate are still stuck in my mind. Is this grieving? It doesn't feel like it. Although, I've never truly grieved anyone before, so it's not like I'd know or anything.
I walk into a video game store without thinking. Ah, video games. Always here to satisfy me. I start looking around for nothing in particular. I can feel one of the nerds in the store eyeing me. Stupid nerds. I hate it when people are surprised that I like violent video games. It's not like it's an impossibility. Deal with it, some nerds are girls. And some of them are attractive. Stop ogling me. Geez. All this is doing is making me angry again.
Now I'm in the PS2 section, a place I normally would never be. I don't even own a PS2. There's a dusty used one that's on sale for fifty bucks.
Something catches my eye. A game I recognize. Disney characters. Two guys with unrealistically spiky hair with some redheaded chick. It's Kingdom Hearts 2!
I grab it without thinking. I also grab the PS2. My purchase is so hasty, that the cashier asks me with a raised eyebrow, "Are you sure this is what you want to buy?"
"Yes," I reply quickly. I snatch up my purchase and walk out the door.
Not even fifty feet away from the store I stop in the middle of the sidewalk and shout, "What the hell did I just do?" Everyone stares at me. I groan. Why did I buy this, of all things? Even if I did play the dumb game, I wouldn't know what was going on, because I beat the first one when it first came out, like, forever ago and Arthur made me play it. I hated it.
Is this my subconscious missing Arthur? No…it can't be. Can it? Well, maybe I guess. Maybe. I suppose there's a possibility I might miss Arthur a little. Are those tears stinging my eyes? Stop it, Francine, you can't be sad. You're too angry to be sad.
The Sugar Bowl comes into my line of vision and I quickly go into it and sit down. At that same instant, wouldn't you know it, D.W. walks in. She looks awful. She has massive bags under her eyes and she's walking much slower than she usually does. I avoid eye contact, but she sees me anyway and slides in the seat across from me.
"Hey," she mumbles. She ignores the giant bag I'm holding, which I'm kind of glad for.
"Um, hi." I search for words to say. "How-how are you doing?"
She glares at me. "How do you think I'm doing?" she hisses. After a second, her face drops. "Oh god, I'm so sorry Francine. I'm just…so damn tired."
"It's ok. I'm not offended. You should probably get some rest though."
"I tried. I can't. I'm here because everything's too sad at home. I just had to, like, get away from it all, you know?"
"I know."
We're both silent for a minute, and suddenly D.W. says, "Thank you."
I raise my eyebrows. "Um…for what?"
"You're the only one who hasn't talked about how freaking great Arthur was, like he was some hero or whatever. He was great, but he changed. He made a dumbass decision and got himself killed. He deserved it." Angry tears sprout from D.W.'s eyes, but she tries to hide them.
We're silent again for a while, as I think about what D.W. said, and how sad she is. Arthur's death hurt people. These people are sad he died, even though he did it to himself. Why? I guess it's because death hurts, no matter who's fault it was. Arthur's parents probably were mad just like me. But when he died, they were sad. Not because they could never tell him how wrong he was, but because they missed him. They never wished death upon him. They didn't want him to die.
It hits me. The conclusion. The answer. The reason I've been feeling so weird.
I didn't want Arthur to die. Arthur didn't have to die. He didn't deserve to die. He didn't deserve to die!
"No," I say suddenly, "He didn't deserve it. No one deserves death. It's a sad thing. I'm sorry Arthur died."
D.W. sighs, not realizing what a big deal it is for me not to agree with her. "I guess. I just wish he would have listened to us." She says sadly. She says it in a different way than I have been. D.W. is upset Arthur didn't listen to the family's advice, but she's knows there's nothing she can do now.
"Do you want to go outside?" I ask, seeing she's about to lose it. She nods.
D.W. cries into my chest as I hold her. There's so many different confusing thoughts in her head right now. All she can do is express them through tears.
After a few minutes, I ask her if she wants to visit Arthur's grave. She nods again.
When we get there, she sits next to the tombstone and hugs it.
Arthur Read
1994-2012
I stare at the stone. Tightness rises in my chest, but I still don't cry.
D.W. looks at me. "If he could come back for, like, a minute, what would you say? Would you be mad?"
I think for a minute and honestly say, "No. No I wouldn't. I would tell him I missed him. I would tell him I want him to come back." It's true. Maybe I'd be a little pissed off, but not much. I think. I'm still not sure about this yet.
D.W. sniffles. "Yeah, I'd say that too, I guess." She looks at the sky. "It's gonna get dark soon. I'd better get home." She stands up and hugs me. "Thanks for helping me through today." Then she walks away.
I continue staring at the stone, not really sure what to think. But I should get this PS2 home before it starts raining or something.
I sigh, and put the disc in after getting my PS2 set up. A PS2 that I'll probably never touch again.
A scattered dream that's like a far-off memory
A far-off memory that's like a scattered dream
I want to line the pieces up
Yours and mine….
I didn't skip a cutscene. Not a single one. Because I miss that dumbass bastard so much. Because I want Arthur to come back. Because I'm not mad anymore.
After about an hour and a half, I turn the game off. Out of nowhere, I start crying, and it sort of feels good, knowing I'm crying for the right reasons.
A/N: Eh…not so proud of this one.
In case you're wondering where the plot came from, this story is based on how my view on people making stupid decisions changed in the last couple years. Francine's views are more exaggerated than mine were, but the theme is the same.
Either way, special thanks to my friends who gave me video game ideas and who helped me through writer's block! I'm starting to think that writing is not a one-person job.