Author: Lash_Larue
Title:'L'enfant Le Plus Terrible" Chapter One
Pairings: Same as in the "Revelations of Faith" and "Team Alpha" stories
Rating: R for language and sexual references
Summary:A six year old Faith appears on the scene, madcap fun follows!
Warnings: Language, sexual references, this is more crack than prOn
Word Count:3,000
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling and Joss Whedon, and maybe Gandalf before it's over
A/N: This was written for a friend, who sent me a story idea. Roughly this - "Willow tries something and it goes wrong, Faith is returned to her six year old self. People have trouble dealing with her, she hangs out with Spike and Angel"
This is really crack!fic, and it does kind of make light of things that are not funny in the least, but only in the sense that Faith avoids them and is too strong to be scared by them. I promise that I don't find anything at all funny about any sort of abuse, and if you cannot take reference to that with a grain of salt please do not read this one.
Oh... this may not be my usual sophisticated humor. Also, if you're a real BVS fan, you might notice the timeline is wonky for this series. Try and ignore it. This bit is present day, but is not integral to any additions to the series that might be forthcoming. Think of it as a spinoff.
If you're here and have not read the precursors, Faith met up with Fleur and Hermione in Paris, post BVS series. They hooked up and liked it.
L
"L'enfant Le Plus Terrible"
A Team Alpha Story
Chapter One
"Thanks for coming with me, Faith," Willow said as she and Faith slipped through the heavy undergrowth. "I was a little nervous about coming here alone."
"Glad to help out. I've always wanted to see a rain forest anyway. Still, I don't see what a badass witch like you has to be scared of," Faith answered her.
"Frankly, I'm scared of snakes, and I'm afraid I'll panic and freeze if I see one. Particularly the one we're looking for, there is absolutely no antidote for the bite of a certus nex. In fact, I'm hoping that the study of its venom will lead to a counter for the Avada Kedavra, as well as an antidote for some magical toxins. The means of death are nearly identical."
"What's that?"
"Nobody really knows."
Upon completing her studies, Willow had gone into advanced defensive spells, hoping to find new ways to aid both the hunter/killer teams and the Aurors. A counter for the Avada Kedavra, as well as an antidote for some of the nastier poisons was high on her task list. The bite of a certus nex snake was as sure a death as the killing curse, it just took a little longer. But not a whole lot longer.
"Whatever, Will, it makes a nice break from killing demons. I do miss my girls though… say, you think you and I could maybe kind of console each other tonight?" Willow gave Faith a sly smile.
"I always knew you had the hots for me," Willow replied.
"So, is that a ye- shit!" Faith grabbed something from an overhanging branch, Willow turned to look and the color drained from her face in an instant. Faith quickly shoved the thing into one of the magical containers she carried, and then turned to Willow. "Is this what you're looking for Will?"
Willow looked at the small snake Faith had captured.
"Yes," Willow whispered in reply.
"Good thing I had my dragon hide on, and an even better thing that we added the sleeves and gloves. What?" Faith asked as she took in Willow's stricken expression.
"There is no dragon hide on your face," Willow answered hoarsely. Faith touched her cheek with her fingers, and saw the smear of blood they picked up.
"Fuck. Tell Fleur and Hermione I love them," Faith asked as she felt the numbness spread towards her heart.
Willow's eyes went black, and her hair turned the color of snow as she pointed her wand at Faith, and the heavens blazed as she cried "Pro Malum!"
"Willow, where is she?" exclaimed Hermione as she and Fleur arrived at Willow and Ginny's house in response to the urgent message Willow had sent them. "Are we too late? Is she still alive?"
"Breathe," counseled Willow, "there is time, but things are kind of complicated."
"Complicated?" Fleur questioned, agony in every line of her body. "The bite of a certus nex is not complicated, it is fatal."
"Yes, it is," allowed Willow, "but we have time to change that."
"How long?" Hermione asked.
"Twenty years or so," Willow answered. "Look, you need to calm down. Faith is asleep. I had to spell her to sleep to get her back, and I should warn you that-"
"Get out of zee way," Fleur huffed as she pushed past Willow into the bedroom. "Who is this child?" Fleur demanded.
"Faith," Willow answered simply.
"Please explain," Hermione requested as she gazed at the sleeping girl. Willow drew a deep breath.
"I did the only thing I could think of when Faith was bitten," Willow began, "I moved Faith back to a time before the bite, but things didn't go exactly as I planned."
"You cannot send someone back in time without a time turner," Hermione protested, "no one has that kind of power."
"I do," Willow corrected, "and I didn't precisely send her back in time, I regressed her. I was desperate, there was so little time, and no other hope."
"What went wrong then?" Fleur asked as she stared at the sleeping child, at last recognizing the woman that made up a huge part of her life in the young face before her.
"I meant to regress Faith back to just before the injury to her face, but the words I used regressed her to before the first real injury to her face."
"Oh, no…" Hermione whispered.
"Yeah," Willow agreed, "some mother Faith had, huh? I took her to Simone, she's fine," Willow promised them. "The injury that the spell keyed on was a fractured cheek bone."
"How could anyone harm that angel's face?" Fleur asked in wonder.
"It wouldn't be as hard as you think," Willow said ruefully, "why do you think I had to put her to sleep?"
'What do you mean?" demanded Fleur, bristling.
"Okay, first, Simone says she's about six years old, but… well… she's a bit of a handful."
"How so?" asked Hermione.
"Best I show you," Willow assured them, "I'll wake her. She won't know you, she's just like she was then. Thank God she doesn't have her Slayer strength… yet…enervate."
Faith stirred on the bed, and the dark eyes opened.
"Who the hell are you, and where the hell am I?" the angel demanded as she glared at Fleur.
"Do you remember me, Faith?" Willow asked her.
"Yeah, you're the bitch that snatched me," Faith declared, "so what's this, a whole nest of child molesters?"
"Of course not," gasped Hermione, "we're your… friends."
"You say so lady," muttered Faith, "me, I don't know you. Where's my Mom?"
"I'm afraid that your mother has been in an – accident," Willow told her.
"Is she dead?" Faith asked them.
"I'm afraid so sweetheart," Fleur said gently.
"Good, the fuckin' bitch had it coming," Faith declared, "she was about ready to pimp me out, and the thought of some old guy's dick is just gross. I'm hungry, what's to eat here?"
"What would you like?" Hermione asked her, reeling a little.
"Hotdogs and french fries, and I wouldn't mind a beer."
Fleur got busy in the kitchen.
"You haven't told me where I am," Faith reminded them.
"You're at my house, mine and Ginny's house," Willow explained, "in England."
"How did I get here?"
"Do you believe in magic, Faith?" Hermione asked.
"One of Mom's friends offered to show me how to make a salami disappear once. I told him it looked more like a Vienna sausage. That made it disappear, almost. Why?"
"The world is a little different than you may think it is," Willow suggested.
"Great, 'cause I think it sucks ass. So what's different about it?"
"For one thing, it's 2010," Willow told her.
"Get the fuck out," Faith said flatly, "my birthday was a couple months ago, I was six. Do I look 30 to you?"
"No, actually you're 29, you haven't had your birthday this year," Hermione volunteered.
"Say I believe you, I don't, but say I do. Who the hell are you bitches?" Faith demanded yet again.
"I'm a friend, my name is Willow. I met you when you were 18. This is Hermione, the other lady is Fleur, you met them a few years ago. You've been – living with them since then." Faith considered this in silence.
"So, what, I'm a carpet licker? Is that it?" Hermione turned purple.
"We love you, Faith," Hermione began.
"Right, let's just can the bullshit, okay? Do what you gotta do and then let me go, I'll find my own way home."
"Your food is ready, Faith," Fleur called from the kitchen. Faith backed cautiously out of the room, headed towards the kitchen.
"Spirited, isn't she?" Hermione asked ruefully
"Just a little," Willow agreed.
"What can we do, can you change her back?"
"Not yet, for one thing we have to find a working antidote for the venom first. Then we have to figure out how to age her back to the time right after the snake bit her, just before I cast the spell."
"Can't we try and send her back to just before then, and avoid the bite?"
"No, not and have her be the Faith we know. I didn't change a timeline; I slid her back along it. If I do anything other than reverse the process to the moment I did it, it won't be the same Faith, your Faith," Willow tried to explain.
"This little monster is my Faith?"
"Yup. Makes you think, doesn't it?" Willow opined.
"This sounds like the stuff Luna was spouting in Mordor," Hermione muttered.
"Oh! Luna! Great idea, I'll go talk to her, she might have an idea, 'cause frankly, I'm not sure exactly how to move her back."
"Marvelous. Right, go and see Luna. Fleur and I will take care of Faith, somehow."
"No chili?" Faith asked as she looked at her plate.
"If you want chili, you'll have chili," Fleur assured her, "anything else?"
"Mustard, and catsup for the fries."
"There is mustard on them, ma petite," Fleur told her.
"That's not mustard. Mustard is yellow. That stuff looks like baby shit. The fries are good though," Faith admitted as she chewed one.
"I am French," Fleur explained.
"You're hot, too. How come somebody like you is kidnapping little kids? Is that how you get off or something?"
"We didn't- "
"The redhead already gave me the magic line, I don't buy it. Try something else, why don't you?"
"As you wish," Fleur said through gritted teeth. "This certainly settles the whole question of children…" she thought. Fleur flicked her wand. "There is your chili and yellow mustard, and your catsup," Fleur said calmly, pointing at Faith's plate. Faith looked, and her eyes went round.
"Wicked! Chili should have beans, though, and how 'bout that beer?"
"That was a remarkable bit of magic, Willow," Luna said, impressed, "can you move her back?"
"I'm not sure how yet, I was hoping you would have some ideas on that."
"Hmmm, I'll give it some thought. But first we have to come up with an antidote. You're quite right, though, if she isn't returned to the precise instant that you performed the spell, she won't be our Faith. Suppose you concentrate on the antidote while I work on the time issue?"
"Thanks Luna. I hope it doesn't take too long though, Faith is a bit…"
"Much?" suggested Luna.
"Just a little," Willow agreed.
"You say it's 2010, right?" Faith asked Fleur and Hermione.
"Yes."
"I was born in 1980, right?"
"Yes."
"And we've been living together for a few years, all three of us, just one big happy, rug-munching family, right?"
"Crudely put, Faith, but yes," Hermione assured her.
"If I'm old enough for a three-way with you two, I'm old enough to drink. Gimme a beer."
"What the hell," mumbled Hermione, and she fetched a pint of ale from the fridge.
"Whooo, that's the real stuff," Faith said after her first swallow, "maybe we really are in England." She drained the bottle, burped, yawned, and fell asleep at the table.
"Thank God," breathed Fleur.
"I hope it won't hurt her," Hermione said anxiously.
"It has to be better than a stunning spell," Fleur argued, "and that was next, I promise you."
"Do you think she believes us?"
"No, and I can't blame her, really. What should we do until we find a way to restore her?" Fleur asked.
Hermione levitated a bottle of wine to the table.
"This will do for a start," she said as she opened it.
"Who are these mooks? Are you gonna pimp me out like Mom was?"
"Of course not, these are your friends, the members of your team. You work with them, and they're worried about you," Hermione explained.
"Sure. A Billy Idol wannabe, a cave man, a Ken doll, and Yoda, that's some fuckin' team. You're gonna have to do better than this before I believe any of this shit. Good costume on the little fella though."
"We brought you a picture," Spike told her, "here; this is us at a party in Mordor." Faith looked at the picture.
"Looks like my boobs are gonna turn out pretty good, huh? I suppose all of you are gonna stick to the story about me being a Vampire Slayer and all that shit, aren't you? Couldn't you at least come up with a story that made a little sense? I'm a kid but I'm not stu-" The snarl from Spike as he vamped out brought the rant to an abrupt halt. "Okay, that's pretty cool," admitted Faith. "What are you?"
"I'm a vampire, so is Angel here, Draco is a wizard and Yoda is a house-elf. And for the record, Billy Idol stole the look from me. Stop being such a little pill, will you? Hermione and Fleur and Willow are doing everything they can to put you right."
"Fuck you, Billy," Faith returned.
"That's Faith alright," Angel declared, "I believe you, Hermione."
"Thanks ever so," Hermione said wearily.
"Luna hasn't come up with anything yet?" Draco asked, eying Faith warily.
"Not yet, but we need a cure for the bite first, anyway."
"Then what are you doing here?"
"Somebody has to watch her, and we can't exactly call a sitter," Hermione answered.
"Even Supernanny would bail on this gig," Spike asserted.
"We'll look after her for a while," Angel volunteered, "Amanda likes kids."
"Who the hell is Yoda?" Dagger asked.
"What are those weird looking guys over there?" Faith asked Spike as they walked towards the park.
"They call them "chavs" hereabouts; they might have called them thugs or something where you came from. They hang about and look for people to scare, maybe try and rob them."
"Are you scared of them?" she asked.
"Please," Spike scoffed, "I'm a vampire with a soul, who can walk in the sunlight. That lot are nothing but punks. Just ignore them," he advised as they approached the group, who were ranged on either side of the entrance to the park.
"Bit young for you isn't she, sport?" sneered one of the youths.
"Fuck you, you bunch of pussies," Faith spat, "my man here can kick all your asses."
"Faith…" cautioned Spike.
"Oh, is that right, Princess?"
"Damn straight it's right, Morticia," Faith assured him. "Now get the fuck out of the way before you get hurt…"
"Faith, you can't go around starting trouble like that," Spike told her as he straightened his coat after dragging the last of the gang into the bushes to recover.
"Why not, wasn't it fun?" Faith asked, looking up from where she was busy administering kicks to the groins of the unconscious would-be toughs.
"That's not the point – hang on, you're right, it was fun. Let's go see if we can find someone that tries to give you candy…"
"Have fun in the park?" Angel asked Spike and Faith when they returned.
"Loads!" Faith enthused. "Uncle Spike is the best!"
"He sure is," agreed Amanda, "one of them, anyway."
"Time to go home now, Faith," Angel told her.
"Can't I stay with you guys? You're way more fun than Fleur and Hermione."
"I never thought I'd hear you say that," Spike allowed, "but I'll call them."
"Really?" Fleur responded. "Honestly, it would be a big help. The sooner we get the antidote done the sooner we can get Faith back, and if she's with you we won't worry about her. Thank you Spike, and thank Amanda and Angel too." She hung up the phone. "Faith is staying over," she told Hermione, "Spike said they were having fun."
"Great, let's get back to work, I think Willow is on to something," Hermione said. "Have you heard from Luna?"
"Luna said she'd be ready whenever we were," Willow informed them.
"You can always count on Luna," Hermione stated.
"This is going to be complicated," Luna muttered as she rubbed her temples.
"I wonder if we should really age her back," Angel said as he and Spike looked at the sleeping girl. "She had a terrible childhood; we could give her a good one."
"Yeah, but who would take her place on the team?" Spike asked.
"I dunno, but I think Faith has earned a break."
"What's done is done," Spike said with a shrug, "and her life now is pretty damn sweet. Look what she has at home."
"You two have something pretty good right here," said Amanda from behind them, "let the little angel sleep, and come take care of Mama…"
"Harder!" gasped Amanda as she rode Spike while Angel drove into her from behind.
The bedroom door swung wide.
"Holy shit!" exclaimed Faith. "Angel, what the hell are you doi- gross! Amanda, does that feel good? Jesus Christ, Mom was a slut, but you guys are freaks!"
"Spike," Angel said as they watched Faith finish her breakfast.
"Yeah?"
"Remember what I said about giving her a good childhood?"
"Yeah."
"Forget it."
"Already did. I talked to Luna, she said not to worry, Faith won't remember any of this after she's put right," Spike assured him.
"What about us?"
"Oh. Bugger," Spike said quietly.
"That was Hermione on the phone," Amanda told them, "she wanted to know if we could keep Faith a little longer, they think they're on to something."
"Might as well, anything to get this over with."
"Right," agreed Amanda, "I'm gonna stay with Philippa in the meantime, though, okay?"
"That might be a good idea. Thanks for not killing her last night," Angel told her.
"I owe her too, she's saved my life more than once," Amanda replied, watching Faith leave the room. "I might get Simone to tie my tubes while I'm away, just for the hell of it."
"We can't get you pregnant," Spike told her.
"Some chances are just too big to take."
"Ask her if she does vasectomies," Angel requested.
"Which one of you guys likes it up the butt?" asked Faith as she wandered back into the kitchen carrying a strapon.