Title: Acceptance
Summary: You have to accept it Jamie. That you are just like the rest of us – a true Reagan. The same as the two men before us. That's what will help you get throug this one...and the next. Post ep 3.11 'Front Page News' 'Contains spoilers' Missing Jamie/Danny Missing Scene
Disclaimer: Um you know by now write? Lol I own nothing but my hard working muse Alice.
A/N: Okay seriously I say we all petition the writers and tell them we need LOTS MORE eppies of our boys working together. Oh and the delicious angsty moments *sigh* seriously loved this eppy so much! Okay so hope you all like what we have come up with.
Note: "Words in double quotes and italic's taken directly from the eppy"
Danny puts the bottle of whiskey away in the cabinet and then heads back into the living room and slumps down into a nearby chair looking at his father. "He left in a sour mood despite the little pep talk. Think he'll be okay?"
"Your first was an angry robber coming out from a botched robbery. He rushed toward you with his gun raised and you didn't hesitate. Three shots and he was down. He had shot and killed an innocent woman and stolen from someone you used to buy coffee from every morning. A bit easier to justify in your mind than Jamie's."
"Myron Brown. Still remember the name," Danny recalls with a heavy frown. "Three shots."
"Almost the exact same place as Jamie's," Frank states with a small frown. "He'll get past it. He has the same instincts as us and the same support system; he'll be fine."
"Right."
"Course it is your duty as big brother to keep an eye out."
"Duty?" Danny looks up with some amusement.
"You're less mothering than Erin."
"I'll tell her you said that," Danny smirks.
"Oh she already knows it," Frank replies with a smile. "Just make sure he's not alone for the next few days. They are always the roughest after a case like this closes."
"Got it. Well…time to call it a night," Danny sighs as he slowly stands up and gives his father a small smile. "See you Sunday."
Danny grabs his coat and then heads outside into the cool night air, his mind recalling the tormented admission Jamie uttered to Tyler in hospital room about "being the sucker that was conned into doing it – pulling the trigger...taking the life." Danny rests in the front of his car for a few moments before pulling his phone and calling Jamie's number.
"Hey kid it's me…you left with a head full of steam so just wanted to be sure you were okay after all that. Call me."
Danny hangs up and turns the key in the engine, a few seconds later his phone ringing and his fingers pressing the speaker button; his mind assuming he knew the caller. "Gettin' slow in your old age," Danny smirks as he pulls away from the curb.
"Who you callin' slow Reagan," Renzulli's voice teases Danny, forcing Danny to look at the number with a frown.
"Hey Sarge what's up thought you were someone else…you still on the clock at this hour?"
"Had to come and pick something up. Anyways was passing by the gun cage and I saw your brother in there."
"He's there right now?"
"Yeah. Figured you'd wanna know since he yelled at the last guy that asked if he was okay," Renzulli retorts, referring to himself as the last guy.
"Thanks…I'll head there now," Danny replies as he quickly calls Linda, tells her the scoop and then heads for Precinct 12. Damn it Jamie…Danny's mind huffs as he remembers the frozen look on Jamie's face right after the shooting…Jamie trying to brush away the concern as if it was no big deal. Even Linda had told him about Jamie just brushing it off like it was no big deal: "I don't want a pity party. I did what I was trained to do; am not gonna fall apart over it." Bold words spoken in the heat of the moment but not so easily digested as time goes on.
Danny stops in front of the precinct and hurries inside; offering a small nod to the night clerk and then rushing down the hallway to the shooting gallery as he had affectionately calls it. He slows his pace and then pokes his head around the corner and frowns at the scene – Jamie with the muffs on…shooting at a target but...shooting…where?
"Damn it kid…" Danny huffs as he shoves his hands into his pockets and then leans against the wall until Jamie finishes the current round before making his presence known.
"Justifiable homicide…death by cop…I'm the sucker that pulled the trigger…I killed him…someone's father…husband…son…friend…first shooting…I pulled the trigger…I shot him…I DID IT…"
"ME!" Jamie shouts as slams the empty gun down onto the counter and then squeezes his eyes shut as his head hangs slightly; a few seconds later straightening up and then reloading and firing a few more shots; all in the same place.
"You missed…" Danny comments softly as Jamie's hand jerks the muffs off and he's able to hear ambient noise for the first time in twenty minutes and looks up to see Danny watching him in amusement.
"On purpose…" Jamie remarks as Danny nears him. "I keep telling myself…next time…"
"No…don't think about next time. Next time you'll do the same…"
"I don't want there to be a next time!" Jamie shouts as he looks away in anger. "Maybe I could have…"
"Jamie we went over this…no second guessing…you have your answers…you read the note…you talked to Tyler…you were…"
"Conned into killing someone. If I didn't shoot him in the chest…"
"He would have found someone else to do it and maybe have killed a bunch of kids in the meantime," Danny replies firmly, making Jamie's soft blue eyes look at him with a defeated expression. "Would you want that instead?"
"No...I just didn't want..."
"It to be you. Someone else right? That's what you keep telling yourself? It should have been someone other than you?"
"Danny…" Jamie growls as he tries to pull away; Danny's grasp on his arm stopping him and pulling him back. "Let go."
"No. Is that why you came here…shooting the paper target below the outline? The leg…in the arm….away from the heart."
"I didn't have to use lethal force! I couldn…let go!"
"No again. You acted on the same instinct that I did or dad…or grampa…it's in us Jamie you have to accep…"
"I don't have to accept it and maybe I DON'T WANT TO!" Jamie shouts as he finally yanks his arm free, grabs the gun and heads for the next station, firing off a few more shots right into the heart of the paper outline a few meters away and cursing the ringing now starting to resound in his throbbing head. "Is that what you wanted to see?"
"Damn good shot," Danny praises; his expression dropping back to a frown as he looks at Jamie's angry scowl.
"I didn't have to kill him…"
"He wanted to die."
"I unwillingly aided in a murder."
"Want me to arrest you?" Danny retorts.
"Go ahead."
"Okay now you're being melodramatic," Danny huffs as he jerks the gun free from Jamie's hand and heads back to Jamie's original shooting stall and places it down with such force that Jamie's frame involuntarily jerks. "He was waving his gun at kids…"
"He wasn't going to fire."
"You don't know that for sure. What you learned suggests that maybe he wouldn't have. But he wasn't in his right mind so he could have. What if he did? What if Jack or Sean had been there? Do you think I would have been yeah okay you had to think about his motive first…or take him out before he killed my boys? You know my answer! The same for any of the parents who's kids you saved!" Danny growls as Jamie's hands rub his face and he leans back on the side of the gun stall. "You can't do this…you can't now stand here, feeling sorry for yourself and practice taking non-lethal shots. Because you do this and next time an innocent bystander does get shot or your partner – or maybe even you! You got that?"
"Danny…dad told me about your first shot…some robbery guy. He was caught in the act of robbery at your favorite convenience store just after he shot someone. My guy…he was in the middle of the park…he was wearing…"
"Stop it!" Danny shouts, forcing Jamie to stop his stammer and look at Danny in surprise. "Stop this…right now," his voice drops to a soft whisper. "Stop doing this to yourself…you do this and you'll be no good in the field. Just turn in your badge now and be done with it…go back to being Harvard full time because if you keep this up, it really is over."
"I keep seeing his face…the look on his face…daring me to shoot…and when I hesitated…" Jamie's voice dies out as he turns away from his brother.
"He raised his gun at a bunch of innocent children and you fired. You acted on instinct…you acted on what we all carry inside us…dad's blood…grampa's blood. Like dad said…we rush in when others pull back and run away. We act when others shrink back. You didn't freeze, you acted. Your few seconds hesitation, gave him the opportunity to surrender. He didn't and you did your job. That's what we all would have done. There's nothing wrong with that," Danny explains as Jamie looks back. "You're one of us."
Jamie pulls away and turns his back…walking a few feet and then stopping…."I see his face Danny…daring me to kill him…over and over and OVER AGAIN!" He shouts as he turns around with a flushed face. "Will it ever stop? Will I ever not see his face before I see his body with those three red stains on it falling to the ground over and over and over again?"
"Yes…I have been there okay? This will pass."
"And the next time I see his face…"
"Tell yourself you did the right thing and be done with it. This was your first kill shot but it probably won't be your last; unless you quit. Do you want to quit?"
Jamie looks at Danny's sincere expression and feels his shoulders slump. "I saw his kids…"
"No…don't do this…" Danny rushes in and gently takes Jamie's flushed cheeks in each hand, forcing his watery blue eyes to look right at him. "Don't. He's the one that made the mistake…he's the selfish bastard that left his family behind. It was him…not you okay? Not you. He left his kids…not you. You did nothing wrong."
"Every time they see me…"
"Stop it!" Danny insists as he holds Jamie's face in place before his a bit longer.
"I orphaned…those two…kids…" Jamie sighs as Danny pulls his youngest sibling into his arms and holds him for a few seconds; Jamie's weary frame sagging into his a few seconds.
"You're not to blame," Danny whispers as he holds on. "You have to believe that."
"I shouldn't have gone there."
"Yeah there's something to be said for department policy after all," Danny smirks as Jamie quickly wipes his nose and then turns and slowly heads for a small bench; slumping down, looking up at Danny as he approaches. "That's why you don't get involved…the family won't know what you know…they might never know details you know. Had you gone to see them after they found out it was his choice to die, things might have been different but then you might have been hounded with the 'whys'…and you can't answer for his state of mind. We learned a few more facts but that's it…"
"Just wish it was someone else."
"You remember Eric Fowler?" Danny tries something new.
"He retired a few years back right?"
"Yeah. Been on the force thirty years…night before his retirement…"
"I remember…" Jamie closes his eyes and leans his head back against the cold stone wall.
"Two kids…wrong place wrong time…one of them finds a gun…pulls it, fires a shot at him in error…he didn't think…he just acted. Killed the kid…it was ruled justified because an eye witness said the kid pulled the gun first. Beat cop for thirty years…not one kill shot…and then he kills a kid…you know what he said…he wished it was someone else."
"I remember that."
"Doesn't matter how long you've been on the force…some situations you'll silently praise yourself for…like the remorseless rapist you took down just after a brutal rape…the mugger who just shot an old man…or a desperate robber who just killed an innocent customer for a few lousy bucks. And sometimes…you'll be here…askin' yourself why me…why did I have to orphan two children? Why did I have to take a child from its family? Why did my bullet have to accidentally land there?"
"You ever have…"
"Yeah I have. But if I was to dwell on every shot fired and try to find every excuse or reason in the book to justify their actions or mine, I'd have gone back to construction long ago. Coming here and picturing his face on that sheet and redoing the scene the way you want - doesn't work. What if you did aim for the leg? And he still fired? Killing a child? What if you aimed for his gun hand and it mistakenly went off…killing someone else?"
"I know…" Jamie huffs as he leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees.
"I know you think you're gonna make yourself feel better doing this but you won't, trust me," Danny explains as he too leans forward, his outline matching Jamie's. "We all need something to help us get through this…but coming here and taking yourself down a notch isn't the right thing to do."
"Any suggestions?"
"Take up knitting…" Danny smirks as Jamie twists his head to the left and looks at Danny in surprise. "Basket weaving? That was grampa's suggestion."
"Wonder what he did for his first kill shot," Jamie huffs as he looks down at his slightly trembling hands.
"He never told you?"
"Just said he dealt with it his way. He tell you?"
"I nagged him until he caved," Danny chuckles. "He would round up some old pop cans and head out of the city a bit and just…fire at them. Sometimes firing at them again when they were still in air."
"Sounds like him."
"Yeah they didn't have this whole talking thing back in the old days," Danny smirks as Jamie's posture finally relaxes. "We're him…all of us. We can't help that."
"I know."
"But we can help each other…like we did tonight with dad. He's the best one to turn to in this situations and next time talk to him before you go making social calls on lonely widows."
"More like irate."
"Well we all know I'm the one with the social skills of the family," Danny teases, a soft chuckle escaping Jamie's lips as he had wanted.
"Hardly."
"Oh is that a fact…five shots says I am."
"What?" Jamie asks in surprise.
"Five target shots says I have better social manners than you."
"This isn't even a contest. You have no social skills," Jamie looks at Danny with a pursed lipped expression.
"You deserve a beating for that," Danny chuckles. "Okay so maybe I haven't shot at anything today and am feeling jealous. You afraid to go up against me?" Danny goads.
"Danny I just…I can't."
"Sure you can. Get rid of the crash test dummy out there…get us some fresh targets…" Danny states as he stands up and heads back to one of the gun bays. "And see if you can best your big brother. I know you're not afraid…are you?" He turns and looks at Jamie with a smirk.
Jamie merely rolls his eyes as he slowly stands up and somewhat trudges over toward his brother, picking up the piece Danny had left for him, while Danny pulls out his spare weapon.
"This is a test piece. You have you…"
"Not my fault you left your real weapon at home," Danny retorts, getting a small narrow eyed gaze from his brother. "Ready?"
"No…"
"Geez you this slow in the field?" Danny ribs as Jamie holds up his gun and Danny gives him a wide grin. "On three…" Danny states as they both turn to get ready to fire. "Three…" he snickers before he fires off five shots that aim straight for the target; all five blowing right through the middle.
"Damn it," Jamie curses as he raises his weapon and fires a few seconds later.
"Not bad…" Danny praises the last three shots of Jamie's that hit the target, the first two close but not quite on the mark. "More practice and we'll be even."
"You cheated."
"I said on three. Didn't say I was gonna count to three first," Danny counters, Jamie's lips opening to protest but not being able; his head merely shaking at he mutters something that makes Danny laugh. "Come spend the night with us."
"I'll be ok…"
"Wasn't really a question," Danny replies as he stows is own personal spare weapon and then they back to the clerk to have Jamie's practice weapon checked back in. "I wasn't alone after my first kill shot and neither should you. Trust me."
"Is that because big macho brother knows best?"
"Macho?"
"Hey those were Linda's words not mine," Jamie insists as they head for the exit doors; Renzulli watching with a comforted smile.
"Really? She said that?"
"Yup in the hospital."
"What else did she say?"
"I'm sworn to secrecy," Jamie declares as they reach the doors.
"You know I do know where your ticklish spot is," Danny playfully warns as they head outside into the cool night air. "Sleep with the light on."
"And you want me to stay with you tonight?" Jamie gently chuckles before his face frowns. "Danny…"
"Don't fret about it kid…you'll have a few more ups and downs before the week's over."
"I know…I just…"
"And you won't have to face them alone – ever. You're one of us Jamie," Danny tells his brother in truth as his arm drapes over his shoulders and he gives him a friendly squeeze. "Just accept it."
THE END!
A/N: well hope you all liked this little scene and please do review before you go and thanks so much!