Disclaimer: I don't own any of the series in this fanfic.
Author's notes: This is a crossover between many different series, however you only need to be familiar with Haruhi to really enjoy this fic.
I will be telling this in third person because im not too good at this and stuff.
There will be OOC but this is crack.
I would like to give credit to Jonbob0008 Mewshiny and 7MurkuroRealm7, for allowing me to use their OC's in my fic and Admiral Muffin for inspiration
Without further ado let's begin
Prologue: The Revenge of Sigmund Freaud.
Kyon's mind 4:00AM
"Kyon-kun…"
"*snore.*"
"Wake up Kyon-kun…"
"Just five more minutes."
"KYON!!! WAKE THE HELL UP YOU CHEAP RIPOFF OF DOCTOR WHO!!!"
"Fine I'm getting up damnit, don't need to be so loud imo… What the hell?"
After waking up a little Kyon got his bearings and noticed he wasn't in his room. The room he woke up in looked sort of similar to the SOS Brigade clubroom except that it looked like it was lit with a purple light or something and there was a mini bar. Also he noticed that the voice that woke him up was not the voice of his eight-year-old (I think) sister. Rather it was the voice of an old man who had a pointy nose. Sitting next to him was a woman he was somewhat familiar with.
"N-Naru-san?" Kyon said shocked.
"Hello Kyon-kun" Naru replied.
"Why am I in the SOS Brigade clubroom?" Kyon asked still wondering what the hell was going on.
"You are not in the SOS Brigade clubroom my friend." The old man said.
"Well than where the hell am I?" Kyon replied sounding like he was losing patience.
"Welcome to the Velvet Room. It's a pleasure to meet you" The old man replied
"My name is Igor. I'm sure you know my assistant Naru-san." He said while motioning to Naru.
"Okay then…" Kyon was in a daze. After all it's not every day that you get woke up by an old hunchback with a generic name. However what was more surprising was that Naru was with the old man. He clearly remembered Naru from the one time she stood in for Mikuru Asahina as the Moe maid of the brigade when Mikuru called in sick because she caught swine flu from Vickie Gurrero.
"Why exactly am I here?" Kyon said.
"This is the epic foreshadowing chapter where we spoil the entire story for those who are too lazy to read the whole thing or are too inpatient to wait for updates."
"Huh?" Kyon said, sounding more confused than the author and the few readers who haven't clicked the back button yet.
"I shall now tell your fortune." Igor said, pulling out a deck of cards.
"Now let's begin." Igor continued on shuffling the deck.
"Hmm… The 'Zombie Master' in attack mode indicates that you will be joined by many allies if you are successful your endeavors. The card indicating the future after that is… The 'Gladiator Beast's War Chariot'. Igor finished that last line in a disappointed voice.
"What does that mean?" Kyon said actually interested for the first time in this conversation.
"It means you will not be successful in your endeavors." Igor said after letting out a sigh.
"And the card indicating the future after that is…" Igor continued. "The 'Surfing Pikachu'.
"Wait I thought we were playing Yu-Gi-Oh!." Kyon interrupted
"I thought we were playing Magic the Gathering." Naru said in a confused tone
"SILENCE I KEEL YOU!" Igor said obuisly out of character for the old man.
"Now as I was saying…" Igor continued "The 'Surfing Pikachu Indicates that there will be an epic battle of super aswomeness that will be poorly written, full of references even the most hardcore otaku would have problems getting, plot rehashing and lots of crack pairings" Igor finished catching his breath for a second after delivering a explanation the size of a GAR speech.
"I still don't get it." Kyon said sounding confused.
"Fine. Here have a trailer." Igor said as a flat screen TV appeared out of now are and started playing images.
"Requiem for a Tower from LOTR The Two Towers starts playing"
From director Gladiator Beast MCK in association with Team MTS presents…
Celestials are seen tearing up building after building until a large amount of red spheres swarm around the towering giants. Maniacal laughter can be heard from one of the spheres.
Large purple robots with rollerblade like legs were firing there oversized guns at tanks with the Japanese Flag on them. Then a large portal opens and several tyrannosaurus rex start running at the robots talking them before they could fire. A UFO like object is in the background.
A dark looking temple is in sight with several people in darker versions of priest robes. The people all seem to have odd colored hair from green, pink blue, purple, and white. A figure wearing a dark trench coat and a dark hat, concealing his face, a demonic sounding bell can be heard a little over the BGM.
A figure clad in a red cloak holding a spear stands as a group of samurai surrounds her with their katana in hand. The samurai attack but the spear parries their sword strokes, as it seems to fly everywhere. Strikes from the spear don't seem to draw blood but instead look more like blunt strikes from a staff. The battle keeps going until the last of the samurai is struck with the spear and is knocked a few feet away. Upon closer inspection the spear looks as if it has some sort of sheath on the blade of the spear.
A slender looking figure with a regular looking pistol in their hand is being confronted by a large bird like humanoid monster with black armor on the monster takes to the sky and swoops at the figure but the figure dodges with ease. The figure than aims their gun and fires at the creature but it seems to have no effect. As the monster turns around to make a second swooping maneuver the figure holds up a card. The card starts to float mid-air as the figure shoots at the card. A small pixie like creature appears holding what looks to be like a light saber and looks likes it's wearing a police uniform. The pixie like creature starts to charge at the swooping monster, and as they pass the pixie like creature manages to cut the monster in half. Then the strange creature vanishes.
A Young woman with pink hair was being forcefully handled by a bunch of thugs with guns. Then before anyone can blink one of the thugs was sent flying by a brutal looking flying kick. A young man with sandy brown hair appeared. The thugs aimed their weapons at the boy who charged at them with blinding speed. None of the bullets hit the young man, who knocked their weapons out of their hands. All of the thugs started charging at the young man who sent each thug flying the other direction.
A young woman with brown hair was seen studying on a desk. Kyon thought he could recognize her but the screen was only on her for a few seconds.
A large man with shaved hair jean shorts and a black shirt with HLR on it was standing in a parking lot. Then slightly taller man with tanned skin struck him from behind. The large man quickly recovered but was struck by two other men. As the man tried to get to his feet he was kicked in the head by the tan skinned man. The three men stood there with the tall tan skinned man breathing heavily.
A very familiar looking girl with yellow ribbons in her hair had a long coat that went down to her feet. The SOS Brigade's logo was on the back of this green jacket and the girl sheathed a western looking sword. Then She started walking, behind her were four figures walking with her. The poor light in the area concealed the identity of the other four figures and Requiem for a tower stopped playing.
"Suzumiya Haruhi no Shinkiro"
Or…
"The Mirage of Haruhi Suzumiya"
Coming soon to a fanfic website near you.
" What. The. Fuck. Was. That." Kyon said with absolute terror and confusion in his expression.
"It is your future." Igor said waving his hand away causing the TV to disappear.
"WHY THE HELL DOES MY FUTURE LOOK LIKE SOME PIECE OF CRAP MOVIE WITH LOWER PRODUCTION VALUES THAN ONE OF HARUHI'S MOVIES!!!" Kyon screamed as indicated by the cheesy all cap text.
"It is time you return to your world now" Igor said with a calm look on his face as if didn't hear a thing." You see my hearing aid needs a new battery and I don't keep one here." Apparently he didn't hear anything.
"By the way…" Kyon began as he somehow calmed down. "Why are you working for this guy Naru-san?" Kyon asked.
"Oruki, Haruhi and I need to raise some money so we all took part time jobs." Naru replied. "I like working for Igor-san and this spooky atmosphere is neat. I forgot what Oruki was doing but he gets called for overtime a lot and makes a lot for his job."
"Oh. That explains why Haruhi has been ending some meetings early, she must have been called to work."
-Flashback-
"The brigade is dismissed early today," Haruhi said with the energy of a Super Saiyan . "I have important things to do today so you can go home early."
"Very well then. Good day Suzumiya-san." Itsuki said. However Itsuki thought she left because of emotional distress and decided to ambush Kyon with about 20 tons of philosophical speech that has no value to the story. However since we are not Naruto we will not make you read through the unnecessarily long text of doom.
-End flashback-
"Damn that Koizumi" Kyon said remembering all the filler-esque philosophy.
"Farewell and good luck on your journey." Igor said as Kyon went back to sleep.
-Anna no issho datta no Ni starts playing-
A/N: First chapter ever! Damn that was hard. Next chapter should be avaible in a week or two.
Please Review; I need feedback and constructive criticism. Suggestions would help a lot as well.
Until next time
(Tag out)