The Road Re-Traveled
by Djinn
Part 1
Chapel was enjoying a day off from Emergency Operations, wandering the city as if she was a tourist. She'd had a coffee at her favorite café, gone to the art museum, enjoyed a croissant and some good Spanish cheese with a glass of wine at a bakery down near the wharf, and now was trying to figure out how to end this perfect day. A day finally with no pages from frantic coworkers needing her to report to Ops.
She decided to pick up Chinese on the way home and walked up a street she didn't normally travel. She was in a happy, tired daze, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Jim round the corner.
He wasn't with Spock. He was with a brunette woman, slim and almost as tall as he was. They had their arms around each other, and the woman was laughing.
The kind of laugh that said: I sleep with you on a regular basis.
For a moment, Chapel considered turning and heading back the way she'd come, but she decided to show that she was not the least bit bothered that Jim and Spock had clearly replaced her.
God damn it, and the woman even looked like her. What the hell?
Jim's expression was probably about like hers. Not happy to see her and clearly not expecting to see her.
"New toy?" She gave the woman the smile she'd perfected in Ops. It was not a nice look. "Spock know you've got her all to yourself? I remember how careful you always were with making sure he didn't feel left out."
"I will be one minute, all right, Antonia?" He kissed the woman on the cheek and left her standing, then grabbed Chapel by the arm and hauled her far enough to be out of range. "Chris, I guess you didn't get the memo."
"There was a memo? Because we see a lot of the memos, but I don't remember one with a vacancy for my position in the happy trio."
"Yeah, it wasn't that kind of memo." He sighed, and it was an exasperated sound. "That woman is Antonia. She's my girlfriend."
"As I surmised. Nice to know you and Spock have a type."
"My girlfriend. I'm not with Spock anymore." He took a deep breath. "Soon I won't be with Starfleet anymore, either. I'm retiring."
"What?" There was always scuttlebutt about retirements, especially someone like Jim. "Was this a sudden decision?"
"You could say that." He gave her the tight smile she hated. "I have to go. Don't want to keep Antonia waiting."
"Nice name."
"Yes. It is." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "I wish I could say it was good to see you, but the mood you're in, it's not."
"The mood I'm in?" She stared at him like he was an idiot. If he'd wanted a woman all to himself, why the hell hadn't he chosen her? "Nice of you to give me a heads up on all this. Oh wait, you didn't."
"I don't owe you anything, Chris. You left me, remember?"
"I left you plural. I would have stayed for you singular." She backed away, any desire for Chinese food gone. "I wish you all the best with your new life, sir."
"Chris. Come on."
"No, really. All the best." She yelled up to where the other woman was standing. "Nice to have almost met you. He's a peach. Treat him right." Then she turned on her heel and tried her best to keep her pace to a dignified retreat.
As soon as she was around the corner she commed Jan. "Is Spock on Earth?"
"Really? You're calling on your day off to ask that? I thought you were over him?" Jan had never known the real story. She only knew that Chapel had been with Jim. And she'd been a hell of a lot nicer about it than Chapel would have been if she'd found out Jan had been with Spock.
Chapel had come to realize that she wasn't always a very nice person. "Jan, please?"
"Oh, hold on." There was a moment of silence, then, "Yep. He's at the embassy according to his travel plans."
"Thanks. Hey, I just ran into Jim and his new girlfriend."
"I heard some scuttlebutt."
"And you didn't share?"
"I thought it was bull. The same person also said he was retiring."
"And that person was right." She sighed. "The woman was pretty." Prettier than Chapel, if she was honest with herself. It was like Jim had looked for someone like her and then upgraded a few models.
"I'm sorry. Why do you want to know about Spock?"
"Because I like picking at scabs. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Christine, go home. Do not go to the embassy." Jan had the tone she got when she knew she was right and also knew Chapel wouldn't listen to her.
"See you tomorrow."
She turned and headed back up the hill toward the Vulcan embassy.
##
The guard at the embassy made her wait. Apparently, Commander Spock was not receiving visitors. She managed to convince the guard that she was actually on official business by giving him some Ops doubletalk—even Vulcans had no defense against that kind of bullshit—and he went inside and commed Spock.
A moment later, he came back. "You can go in. He will wait for you at the top of the stairs."
She walked past him, into a room she'd never seen before, never been welcome in before. Jim had, though.
Why the hell had Jim left Spock? Last she'd heard from Len, they'd been fine. Although Len had admitted he couldn't read them as well as a couple as he could individually.
Which meant Len had to have seen that Jim was upset, that Spock was, too. And he hadn't told her. But then...why would he? He wanted her for himself. Since the first time they'd gotten together at the medical conference, they'd shared a few more interludes.
The sex had been great. The love she felt for Len as a friend, as a mentor, had never translated into 'in love with,' though. And she knew it bugged him. A lot. But he'd gone into things with his eyes open.
That didn't mean he was going to give her a heads-up that her one true love was free, though.
She got to the stairway and looked up. Spock stood, his Vulcan robe seemed more wrinkled than she'd ever seen.
She hurried up to him. "I just saw Jim. And Antonia."
He looked down, but not before she read raw hurt in his eyes.
"What the hell happened?"
He turned and walked up another short flight of stairs, his hand held out behind him in a clear indication that she should follow—but not hold on. He led her to a suite set at the end of the hallway, a lovely view of the courtyard garden and fountain visible from the windows.
"Spock?"
He pointed to a chair, then closed the door behind her. "No one knows why he is retiring. Why he chose...that woman."
"You've met her."
"Met, no. I have seen him with her."
"When you said no one knows, you meant no one but you, right?" She got up and pushed him onto the bed so he was sitting, then stood in front of him. "Is this like before? When he rushed off to Lori and a desk job?"
He nodded.
"Did you do something to me? Did he find out?" She didn't think he'd taken away any of her memories, but then again, she hadn't thought so the first time he'd done it, either.
"No. To him." He sighed. "He was captured. Tortured. I..." He looked away. "He was in pain."
"You took it away."
He nodded. "And I told him I did it. I told him why I did it. He was incapable of running the ship the way he was."
"Would he have stayed incapable?"
"I do not know."
"Does Len know what you did?"
"I believe he suspects. But he did not censure me."
"So not only did you fuck with Jim's memories, but you didn't have enough faith in him to believe he'd find his way back."
"His words almost to the letter." He put his arms around her, buried his head in her stomach. "Christine, I was only trying to help someone I love. This time what I did was not for me. He needed to stay on the ship—I gave him that. But he chose to leave. I have been acting captain for months. Until we got word the ship's mission was to be changed."
Suddenly a rumor she'd heard made sense. "So the Enterprise is becoming a training ship?"
He nodded.
"And you're her new captain?"
"It is logged that way, but I will be stationed at the Academy. We will only use the ship for training voyages." He pulled her down to sit next to him. "Things have been tenuous between Jim and me for some time, even before I interfered with his memories. He believes I engineered your leaving."
She gave him an incredulous look. "You sort of did."
"I would not have been opposed to you staying, and you know that, Christine." He gave her a hard look. "I think it was hearing that McCoy was with you that made him reexamine our time together as a trio."
"Len told him?"
"They were drinking. Apparently, it came out."
She shook her head. Len could keep his secrets even when stone-cold drunk. If he'd said anything, he'd said it because he was mad at Jim or mad at her. "It's a casual thing with Len. And he knows it. If he told Jim it was more, then he was lying."
"I do not know what he told Jim. I do not care what you do with him."
"That statement would be more believable if you weren't holding my hand so tightly."
He looked down, seemed to realize what he was doing, but he didn't let go. "I assumed if I lost Jim, it would be to you."
"Yeah, I kind of did, too. Guess we were both wrong, huh?"
He nodded. He looked entirely lost and she ruffled his hair. He looked up at her, his expression bleak.
"Let's go get something to eat. I'm starving, and you look like you've been holed up in here for a while."
"Do you hate me for what I did? How I brought us all together?"
"And blew it all apart?" She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Would I ask you to go to dinner with me on one of my precious days off if I did?"
"I don't know." He sounded so lost, so hurt, that she pulled him to her and kissed him hard on the lips.
"I admire how sneaky you are. I resent that you won. But hate you? No."
He stroked her hair and kissed her, not hard but tenderly. "I would like to spend time with you."
"Okay. Let's go."
"I do not mean just dinner."
"One day at a time, sweetheart." She touched his robe, the deep wrinkles in it. "This is a new look for you. Rumpled Vulcan."
He looked down, seemed to take in how he looked. "I will change." He peeled the robe off and threw it into the refresher, then rummaged through his wardrobe.
"Should I avert my eyes?"
"Is there logic in that? You have seen me naked before."
"When I was your lover. I'm not your lover now."
He turned and faced her, giving her a rather spectacular view of what she'd left behind. "Are you embarrassed by this intimacy?"
She shook her head. "I guess I just thought you would be."
He turned and resumed finding clothing. She decided to get up and look out the window.
He came up behind her. "You are embarrassed."
"Maybe a little. It's been a while for us."
He rubbed her arms; it felt amazingly good to be touched by him again. "Yes. It has." He led her out of the room and they were halfway down the hall when his mother turned the corner.
"Spock, you're going out? And Christine. How nice to see you, dear." The woman looked ready to hug her; Chapel imagined she'd done everything in her power to get Spock out of that room.
"We're going to get some dinner," Chapel said.
"Excellent. Don't let me keep you." She smiled in a sweetly sad way, as if to say to be gentle with her boy, and Chapel smiled back the same way.
"How long have you been hiding in your room?" she murmured when they were out of range of Amanda.
"Too long for her taste. She is most aggravated with Jim."
"Does she know the whole story?"
There was a long silence, then a sheepish, "No."
"Well, I'm not going to tell her. Relax." Since there was no one in the hallway, she rubbed his back gently.
He leaned into her hand. "Thank you for coming."
"No problem. What are ex-lovers for?"
##
Chapel saw Spock in the hallways of Command, hurried over to him. "Captain Spock. Is it still new enough to get a little thrill hearing that?"
"Vulcans do not get thrills, Christine."
She grinned at him. "I distinctly remember you getting some back on the ship."
His eyes lightened. "I stand corrected. There may, indeed, be occasions where that word applies. Earning a new rank, however, is not one of them." He studied her. "Are you going to Jim's retirement ceremony today?"
She nodded.
"Are you going with Doctor McCoy?"
"I told him I wasn't sure I could get away. Thought he should go on without me and I'd see him there."
"Would you give me the same answer if I were to ask you to accompany me?" He met and held her eyes.
She shook her head.
"Then I will meet you here and we can go together."
"It's going to hurt Len if we do this."
"I am aware of that. I asked despite that."
"Well, just so we're clear. You and I have been spending a lot of time together, but I don't necessarily want to hurt him just because you've been needing a break-up buddy."
"You are far more than a...'buddy.' And I believe you are aware of that. My mother said I must bring you over for a function they are holding on Saturday at the embassy. You can meet Saavik."
Chapel smiled; he spoke often of the girl he clearly considered a daughter. "I'd like that."
"As would I." He leaned in, pitched his voice low. "I realize that we are both hurt and angry by Jim's actions. He left me...again. He did not choose you, and let you go in the first place."
She nodded, wondering where he was headed with this.
"I think it important that you know that is not why I wish to spend time with you. You were comforting when you came to the embassy. But before that you were a woman I could have loved if you had stayed with us. And now, who knows what lies in store?"
"And if Jim comes back?"
"He may well find both of us otherwise engaged." He stared at her intently. "Do not sleep with McCoy anymore."
"You're dictating terms? You haven't even slept with me yet."
"It would have been a reaction to being left. When we have sex, I want it to be because we both desire it." His lips ticked up slightly. "I have enjoyed the weeks getting to know you better—getting to know you on my own."
"You realize Len may be better for me than either you or Jim?"
"If that is the case, why aren't you with him?" He raised an eyebrow and looked very smug. "I will be by for you in an hour."
She decided not to argue. It would be futile anyway. "I'll see you then."
##
The room was packed. But then Jim was always popular with his crew, if not his peers. She saw Antonia standing next to him, a visitor badge on her lovely dress.
"She looks like you," Spock murmured.
"She's about ten times prettier and you know it. But yeah, brown hair, blue eyes, lanky build. I think I would have felt better if he'd gone for a tiny blond." She smiled up at him.
"He met her at his uncle's ranch."
"That'll teach you to not learn how to ride. Look what happens when you let him go off by himself."
The joke fell flat, but that could have been because Len was walking toward them, an expression she couldn't read on his face.
"Look who I found loitering outside of Ops," she said. As lies went, it was pretty close to the truth.
Len didn't look amused. "So I see. Spock."
"Doctor."
"Well," she said, taking both of them by the arm just long enough to get them moving into the "Wish the captain well before the speeches start" line. "Let's send off our former captain."
Len leaned in, whispered in her ear, "Are you trying to look like you formed a new threesome in his absence?"
She wanted to slap him. She settled for a mild glare.
He didn't look the least bit contrite.
Spock was the first to reach Jim, he seemed at a loss for words, so Chapel moved in close and smiled at both Jim and Antonia. "We're very happy for you, Jim."
Jim met Spock's eyes. His expression was a mixture of hurt and mistrust. She imagined if she could see Spock's expression it would be hurt and guilt—although she wasn't sure if he felt guilt the same way humans did. He certainly didn't learn from his mistakes.
Len leaned in, taking Antonia's hand. "Darlin', every time I see you, you look lovelier than the last."
If he'd been looking for a way to make it clear he was on the ins with Jim, he was doing a bang-up job. She felt Spock stiffen beside her.
Antonia smiled at Len in what looked like relief. "So good to see you, Leonard."
Jim moved to Antonia's other side so she could talk to Len more easily, then leaned in and said softly, "You two look very together."
"That is none of your affair, Jim." Spock's voice was as tight as she'd ever heard it.
"I'm in agreement with Spock. Not your goddamn business."
"I'm glad we're all behaving like adults." He met her eyes. "You liked him first, right? How long did it take you to get into his bed?"
He wasn't being quite as quiet as he should have been. Antonia shot him a startled glance.
She waited until Antonia had turned back to Len to say, "We're waiting. Until you're gone and we can move on the way we should. To each other. Not from you."
"Eloquently put, Christine."
Jim just shook his head and closed his eyes.
She leaned in. "Running off with a lovely woman. That didn't work so well for you the first time, what makes you think it will be any better this time?"
His look turned stormy, and she felt Spock's hand at her elbow, urging her away from Jim and toward the waiters holding drink and appetizer platters.
"Did I go too far?"
"Yes," Spock said softly. "I did not, however, mind."
##
The Vulcan embassy was quite crowded, apparently to hear a Vulcan ethicist speak, but Spock eased Chapel away from the crowd and down a hall toward a smaller salon that led out to the courtyard. A young Vulcan woman was sitting near the fountain.
She looked up and a smile—small but much larger than anything Chapel had seen Spock or Sarek make—brightened her face. "Spock. It has been so long."
"Saavikam, I regret that undue time has passed."
Chapel saw something in the girl's expression, something that said she thought Spock was full of shit. Spock had not told her much about Saavik other than she was his ward, had spent her formative years on Vulcan, and was about to start her last year at the Academy.
"This is Commander Chapel."
"Ma'am." Saavik's nod was perfect.
"Call me Christine."
"All right. Christine."
Spock gestured for Chapel to take the seat across from Saavik, then said, "I must go listen to Sulavak, or I will not hear the end of it from my father. I will send a server in to bring you refreshments." Then he was gone.
Chapel laughed softly. "Ever the social adept. Did you even want to be stuck out here with me?"
Saavik seemed to relax, and she gave Chapel a small, sheepish smile. "I am sorry if I appeared to convey dismay at that. I was most curious to meet you."
"I'm sure you were. Especially after Spock has been with Jim so long." It was a risk going for the jugular of truth this way, but Chapel was sick of sidestepping the issue with Sarek and Amanda.
"I do not know Admiral Kirk well. I met him when I was younger. But he and Spock were often away, on the ship." She looked over at the fountain, as if the ripples in the water were easier to watch than whatever memories she was reliving. "Lately, Spock has been distant again. The way he was when he went to Gol. I was...relieved when Amanda told me he was bringing you tonight. Perhaps I will not lose him again because his heart is broken."
Chapel frowned. Who was this Vulcan girl to speak so easily of broken hearts?
Saavik seemed to read her expression perfectly. "Ah. Spock did not tell you. I am half Romulan. I understand emotions. I have emotions. I just try to control them."
"He didn't tell me that."
"He wants people to accept me as Vulcan the way most do him. I can choose to embrace my Romulan side or not—he has never forced me to try to sublimate it."
"I imagine Vulcan did that for you."
"And losing him to Gol. I thought that if I could be the perfect Vulcan he would not go. Then when he was there, I thought that I could lure him back if I was even more Vulcan. It was Sarek who explained to me that Spock was not coming back—and that it was not my fault. But then there was the incident with V'ger, and Spock was suddenly happy again. He was the man who had first rescued me from hell."
Chapel waited to see if Saavik would say more of her origins, but she didn't, so she didn't press it. "He was with Jim again."
"Yes. And they were happy. Even if the happier he was with Kirk, the less I saw him, since he did not visit Vulcan often and I was never on Earth." Saavik studied Chapel with a curious expression. "You were on the ship at some point, were you not?"
"I was." She kept her face as neutral as she could.
"And on the first voyage as well?"
"Mmm hmmm." Chapel saw the server come in and helped herself to sparkling water and a plate of Vulcan hors d'oeuvres.
Saavik only took water. "I am endeavoring to understand how you came into his life. He no longer seemed as happy with the admiral after a while, and then Kirk left him. He always leaves him."
"Don't make Jim the bad guy. It's not that simple."
Saavik shot her a sharp look. "You speak from experience?"
She was not sharing her past with a girl—especially one who was essentially Spock's daughter. "Nothing is ever black or white. There are always grays, always things one or the other person could have done differently."
Saavik seemed to consider this. "I have limited romantic experience so I will bow to your greater wisdom on the subject."
Wow. Had Saavik just called her a slut? Chapel laughed softly. "Was that an insult?"
Saavik looked shocked. "No. I was being sincere." She took a quick sip of her water. "Spock is clearly fond of you. I have no desire to give offense."
"Relax. I wasn't offended, more amused."
"May I ask you a personal question?"
"You mean you've been holding back so far?" Chapel laughed again.
Saavik almost smiled. "Are you with Spock?"
"I came with him to this." She grinned at Saavik's expression. "Ohhh, you mean, am I with him?"
Saavik lifted an eyebrow at her.
"Ah, there's the look I've come to cherish on Spock. The answer is..." She frowned. She and Spock weren't having sex, but he often spent time with her, talking, eating, walking through the city after dinner—she was even helping him look for an apartment. And she had been his lover once upon a time. He was happier now—even she could see that.
Saavik coughed softly.
"I'm thinking."
"It is complicated, I take it?"
"Yes. It is. Thank you for the out." She smiled and ate some food so Inquisitor Saavik would have to wait to ask her next question.
Saavik trailed her finger through the fountain. "Well, he was not happy and now he is. He will soon be at the Academy, and I will see him often. I am grateful that you are in his life since it will keep him in mine."
"You give me way too much credit."
"I do not think so. I never had a chance to know the admiral. I would like to get to know you. Consider me approving of your relationship—whatever it may be."
##
Chapel was working at her station when she saw Len stroll into Emergency Ops and come right over to her. Jan glanced over, shot Chapel a look that did not bode well for the future, and went back to work.
"Sure is nice to be back on terra firma." Len gave her a smile that hit a little short of the mark if happiness was what he was going for. "You got a sec?"
"She does." Jan gave him a sweet smile: she was a big fan of the "settle down with Len" scenario, which was one she'd come up with all on her own once Chapel told her she and Len occasionally were more than just friends. "Go on, Christine. I'll cover your comms."
"Janice, you are a peach." He winked at her.
She winked back.
Everyone was goddamned winking except for Chapel. She walked out of Ops, letting him hurry to catch up with her. "What?"
"Wow. That is not the way you greeted me on Calomis."
"Calomis was five months ago."
"Yep. It sure was." He took her arm, steered her farther away from Ops. "Look, I was resigned to losing you to Jim once I realized he and Spock were on the outs. But losing you to Spock?"
"Who says I'm with him?"
"Oh, you're not? Then have dinner with me tonight. Any restaurant you want. We'll splurge."
"Our dinners lately are usually followed up with sex."
"And that's a problem?"
She decided to go for the blunt approach. "We're friends who occasionally fuck, Len. That worked great when we were both on different ships. Or even when I was here and you were on a ship. But put us both on the same planet and that scenario turns into us being a couple, doesn't it?"
She thought he'd get mad, but he just crossed his arms over his chest and studied her. "So you are with him." When she started to say something, he lifted a hand. "I see you with him all the time, Christine. Don't lie to me. My God, woman, after what those two put you through, you're stupid enough to do this?"
"I'm not doing anything." Technically true, since she and Spock still weren't having sex, but in spirit she was with him, and she knew it.
"See, here's how it's going to play out, Christine. And I know this because I've been to see Jim, and I can read him like a book when it comes to his state of mind regarding his job—or lack thereof. He's going to get bored with life in Idaho. He's going to get bored with that lovely, but somewhat dull, woman he's chosen. He's going to start longing for the stars."
Chapel felt her mouth tighten.
"And for Spock. Not you, though. He won't be longing for you. And what will Spock do when Jim comes back?"
She looked away, resisting the urge to tell him where he could stick his goddamn questions.
"I'm not saying this because I'm in love you—although I am. It's that I can't stand to see a friend be so blasted crazy when it comes to two men who love each better than they will ever love her."
"Are you done?"
"I am. Good luck to you, darlin'. You're going to need it."
"I'm sorry if you're hurt, Len. But I made it clear from the start."
"You made it clear about Jim. This thing with Spock—it's a bit of a sucker punch."
"Is it? Really? I loved him first, you idiot." She turned on her heel and walked away.
Jan looked up as she came into Ops, took one look at her face, and shook her head. "You're making a mistake. That man will love you the way you want to be loved."
"But I won't love him back. Not the way he'll want." She held up a hand when Jan started to say something. "End of story, Jan."
"Fine." She went back to her comms, her fingers clicking a little more loudly than necessary on the keyboard.
Chapel tried to tune her out. What she did with her life was her business.
##
Another apartment and Spock was still finding some fault with it. Chapel had never met a pickier man. And she was noticing that something that was a fault in one was not in another.
Did he not really want a place of his own?
"Come on, oh finicky one. I'll buy you dinner."
He seemed lost in his own thoughts as they walked to a Japanese restaurant they both liked, and she told him silly Ops stories to get his mind off the apartment. He slowly relaxed, his expression easing, the almost smile appearing more and more.
As they walked home after dinner, he didn't turn to go back to the embassy and she said, "What's the story here, Spock?"
"I wish to go home with you."
"And do what?" She was grinning but she kept her head down to hide the smile.
"Make love."
"Wow. So, I buy you dinner and you get to make love to me. Cushy deal, mister."
He nodded, his lips ticking up more than usual.
"I amuse you, don't I?"
"You did before, when you were with Jim and me. You are...light."
"I'm not really. And I certainly wasn't at the end of our relationship."
"But at the beginning, you were. I enjoyed what you brought. It was uniquely you."
"I'm gonna say yes to the seduction—you don't need to butter me up."
"I am aware of that." He held the door to her building for her, pushed the button for the elevator, and stared at her quite intently as they waited. Once the doors opened and they were on, he put his arm around her, pulled her close, a sideways hug charming for its awkward spontaneity.
When they got to her apartment, she palmed open the door and took his hand, pulling him into the entryway.
He eased her against the wall, stroking her hair back, then kissing her more tenderly than he ever had. "I waited for this because I was mourning. But I am done grieving for Jim."
"Good."
"Are you done grieving?"
"I was done a long time ago. He let me go, remember? He chose you. Him choosing Antonia and not me was just a momentary twinge on an old scar. He'll never choose me, Spock."
"And it appears he'll never stay with me even if he does choose me."
"Not sure which is worse. I, at least, got to move on."
"I do not wish to be some sort of friend you occasionally have sex with, Christine. I did not introduce you to Saavik to only have you in my life occasionally."
"I know." She started to smile. "Is that why none of the apartments have met with your approval? You want to move in here?"
"That would be presumptuous of me."
"That's not an answer."
He stroked her cheek. "Yes. That is why."
"You're lucky I got a big place. Jan lived with me for a while."
"She does not appear favorably disposed toward me at the moment."
"Got that right. But since she doesn't live here anymore, she doesn't get a vote on whether or not you'll be shacking up with me." She grinned. "Are you sure about this?"
He nodded.
"Do you want to sleep in the other room or my room? And before you answer, let me say that sleeping in my room full time, well I view that as a commitment."
"As do I." He began to undo her shirt. "I want that. I missed you when you left. I told you then that I probably had stronger feelings for you than you did for me."
"You did say that. I didn't believe you, though."
"And now?" He went to work on making her bottom half as naked as the top.
"I'm getting the idea." She started to laugh. "And why am I the only one naked?"
"Because I am the only one doing any work." His lips ticked up and she pulled him to her and kissed him. Then she eased off his pants and sank to the floor, pulling him onto her.
He took her more fiercely than she expected, but he kept his hand behind her head and kissed her as he moved, as he...claimed her, there was no other word for it.
He didn't neglect her while he did it, either, his fingers finding the places she loved to be touched, making her cry out, and dig her fingernails into his back.
He collapsed on top of her, murmuring things she didn't expect to hear from him about how he felt about her, how he'd missed touching her.
She knew not to trust things said right after sex, but the way he was saying these things, as if he wasn't fully aware of even speaking, gave them a ring of truth.
"I love you," she murmured, as she stroked his back and kissed the side of his head. "I've missed you, too."
He eased off her, pulled her up and led her to the bedroom. He pushed her onto the bed and kissed her, then drew back and stared at her with a strange look. "You loved me first, Christine. Before Jim. Before Leonard."
She nodded. It was true, after all.
"I had you first. That Pon Farr that I took away. And even after the three of us were together, I had you first alone."
"Is this important to you?"
"It is. We have a history that is independent of Jim."
"You were with Jim when you took me during that Pon Farr."
"But you did not love him then."
She took a deep breath, exhaled slowly. "I loved you first. Let's leave it at that, okay? Anything else gets tangled."
"You wish to avoid self-delusion. I appreciate that." He worked his way down her body, kissing and sucking and making her forget all about self-delusion and tangled truth.
"You can move in whenever you want," she said as he was taking her for yet another torturous climb, stopping before she came, letting her tension ease just enough before starting again.
"That is not why I'm doing this." He sounded very satisfied.
"I don't care why you're doing it. Just let me come."
He made her wait a very long time.
She repaid him in kind once she'd recovered.
He moved in the next day.
##
Chapel was debating what Vulcans took on their pancakes. Saavik had stayed over, and Chapel was doing the near unthinkable and making a meal rather than ordering or replicating. Fortunately, she had been a short order cook in a diner when she was in college. As long as the meal could be cooked on a griddle, she was set.
Spock wandered out from the bedroom, checked to see if Saavik was up yet, and then put his arms around Chapel and kissed her neck.
"Maple syrup? Fresh strawberries?"
"You are asking a question of some sort." He moved to her ear, making her giggle.
"On your pancakes, dimwit." She heard Saavik's door open, but he was one step ahead of Chapel as ever, already pulling away and leaning against the counter as if he hadn't just been feeling her up.
"I have learned to enjoy syrup. In small quantities."
"I have the good stuff. Pure from somewhere in New England. None of that imitation maple crap."
"You are passionate about this."
"Damned straight." She turned to smile at Saavik. "So have you learned to like maple syrup on your pancakes?"
"Yes. Romulans have a sweet tooth." She poured a cup of coffee and added a lot of sugar, adding weight to her statement. Then she took a seat on one of the stools on the other side of the counter. "Are you helping in some way, Spock? Or merely distracting her so what will no doubt be excellent pancakes are delayed?" There was a teasing note in her voice that Chapel loved—and she thought Spock did, too.
"I will let you finish, Christine." He definitely looked amused.
"Not to worry. Order up." She smiled, it had been ages since she'd cooked for anyone but herself.
They ate at the counter, Spock next to Saavik and Chapel on his other side. Saavik slathered her pancakes with an amazing amount of syrup. But the wonder of pancakes was that no matter how much you put on, they absorbed it.
"I'm sorry you're not hungry, kiddo," Chapel said as she made more and gave nearly all of them to Saavik. Then she sat back down and while Saavik ate, leaned lightly against Spock.
He put his arm around her for a moment, the motion subtle, but Chapel had a feeling Saavik noticed. Not much slipped by her. But she didn't comment, and Chapel thought it was because she didn't want to say anything to make Spock uncomfortable—or stop showing Chapel affection.
Chapel was smitten with the girl and she thought the feeling was mutual. She'd always liked kids, and with Saavik, something just called to her.
"Amanda wants to go shopping. She seems to think you and I should have more to wear than uniforms." Chapel laughed softly. "You game?"
Saavik nodded. She finished her food, then turned to Chapel. "She has always taken me shopping. I think she must have wanted a daughter to dress up like some kind of doll."
"Well, now she has two of us." Chapel smiled and leaned in to Spock. "Do you have any suggestions for what I should get?"
"A new dress. Since you will not wear the blue one."
"I told you why." He had wormed it out of her and had seemed to appreciate her loyalty to Len rather than being jealous she would not wear it for him. She did find the dress hanging in the far end of the closet the next day, however. His equanimity had limits.
She wore the green dress for him whenever he wanted. She was done waiting for Jim.
"Color preferences?"
"Not blue." His eyebrow went up.
"Fine. Not blue."
"She would look good in blue." Saavik took in Spock's look and Chapel shaking her head. "It would compliment her eyes, and apparently there is a blue dress you would like her to wear, but please, be illogical and avoid the color." She refilled her coffee and topped off Chapel's, a slight smile playing at her mouth.
Chapel had a feeling she would be grilled relentlessly about the moratorium on blue. She wasn't telling the girl a damn thing.
By Spock's expression and the way he touched her knee under the counter, he knew that.
##
Spock had been out on a training cruise for a week and Chapel expected him home very soon. She found the dress she'd bought—but not when Saavik and Amanda had been around—and put it on, doing her hair and makeup the way he liked.
To call it a dress was to be very charitable. It bared more skin than it covered. It was a dark magenta, a color he had responded to well when it was in lingerie. She put a robe on and hoped to hell his shuttle wasn't delayed.
Or that he didn't decide to spontaneously bring home a bunch of cadets.
Fortunately, that would be very out of character for him. He usually came home from the voyages drained but horny.
The door opened, and she didn't hear any other voices, so she slipped off the robe, and stood.
He came into the main room and his eyebrow went up—way up.
She grinned at him. "Please tell me you're alone."
"I am."
"It's not blue."
"It is barely a garment."
She laughed. "I know. I did not buy this with your mom and an impressionable young woman, just in case you were worrying. I went to a different store several days ago. They do not need to know what a pervert you are."
"That I am? I did not buy that dress." He walked over to her. "I am, however, going to remove it from you. Eventually." He pulled her into his arms, took a minute to just hold her, and she could feel the tension draining out of him as she held him.
"Rough trip?"
"I must be engaged and available at all times. It is emotionally wearing."
"I know. I hate having interns at Ops for that reason." She stroked his hair. "Do you want me to save the dress for another night?"
He looked at her like she was a crazy woman, and she laughed.
"Sorry, I forgot you were male."
"Most ill advised." He picked her up and carried her into the bedroom.
The dress stayed on for the whole time. She wasn't sure, after he got done moving it around to showcase certain body parts that it would be wearable again, but then this wasn't really the kind of dress you wore out, so that was all right.
They lay quietly after, and he kissed her gently. "I missed you, Christine."
"I missed you, too." She had missed him. Far more than she'd expected to. Each trip he took seemed to last longer, the house seemed emptier. "I love having you here, Spock. I'm glad you didn't want your own place."
"As am I." He held her tightly. "Leonard was less than friendly."
"I know. He's not very friendly to me right now either. I'm sorry." She sighed. "He wants me."
"As he should. You are exceptional." He turned to lie on his stomach so she could rub his back. "Do you have any advice for how to act with him? I do not like this current level of animosity I sense from him but am unsure how to counter it."
"Give it time." She straddled his back and went to work on muscles that were tighter than she liked. "Don't talk about me in that 'my woman Christine' way."
"I try not to talk about you at all with him."
"That may be a mistake. Just do what feels right. He needs to deal with the fact that I'm with you now." She leaned down, kissed his ear the way he liked. She knew he also liked the feeling of her breasts on his back, her hands running down his arms.
He sighed in what sounded like a very happy way. "I miss this closeness when I am away from you."
"Me, too." She sat back up, continued her massage until she heard his breathing change to a light snore. Then she got up, slid the dress off and put it in the refresher, hoping for the best, then scrubbed off her makeup and got into bed.
He rolled to his side, pulled her in and held her close, the way he always did. She fell asleep in moments, held safely in his arms, his soft snores more white noise than annoyance.
##
She stared at her comm screen, looked over at Jan to see if she'd gotten the memo from Ny, too.
"Oh, boy," was all Jan said.
"God fucking damn it." Chapel stood, motioned for the rover to take her station. "I'll be back in an hour."
"What is your problem? You have one ex running around already, what's another one?"
She ignored Jan, walked out of Ops, and took the elevator to the basement tunnels that connected Command with the Academy. She found Spock in his office. "Did you know?"
He looked up from his terminal, turned it to show her he was looking at an official memo announcing Jim's reactivation and assignment as admiral in charge of the Academy. "I did not." The look on his face told her he was telling the truth.
She sat down in one of his guest chairs and took a ragged breath. "Is he still with her?"
"I do not know."
She put her head in her hands and rubbed her forehead hard. "God damn it. Everything's been so good."
"This changes nothing."
"You'll be working together."
"Yes. Working. That does not have to mean more."
"For you two, it usually does." She drummed her fingers on the arm of the chair.
"Are you upset that I might go back to him, or that you can't have him if you are with me?"
She turned to glare at him. "Really? You're going to ask me that? You live with me. I've practically adopted Saavik. I love you. I love her. I love your family. And you ask me that?"
He got up and walked around the desk to sit down next to her. "I am sorry. I spoke in anger. I have always known you love him more than me."
"He and I never had what I have with you. I never nursed him through a cold. I've never had him go to the store and buy me ice cream at three am after a bad night in Ops. I've never known his son the way I know Saavik. I may have loved him best once. I'm not sure that's true anymore."
He sighed.
"What about you? Do you still love him best?"
"I do not know."
"Wow. Aren't we the pair?"
"We are a pair, Christine. We would not be having this conversation if we weren't." He touched her back, rubbing gently. "We must promise to be honest with each other about Jim."
"Okay. That'll be fun." She stood up.
"Stay. Eat lunch with me. We have time." He took her hand. "We can eat outside. It is a beautiful day."
"We can have a picnic?" She pulled him tightly to her. "Maybe he's still with Antonia. Maybe nothing will change."
"Nothing has to change. Except that a friend of ours has returned."
"If only he were just a friend." She kissed him as tenderly as she could. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
She thought they both sounded a little desperate.
##
The welcome back party for Jim was crowded. Chapel looked to see if he was with Antonia, realized he wasn't. He had the look of a man alone given the way Admiral Cartwright's current girlfriend was introducing him to people.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
Why couldn't Jim have come back with his woman in tow?
"He's alone," she said softly, but not so quietly that Spock wouldn't hear her.
"So it would seem." He eased her away from the line of people waiting to talk to Jim. At her look, he said, "He is not going anywhere, is he, Christine?"
"You mean we don't have to wait for him. You want to make him come to you?"
"To us, I believe you mean."
"No, actually, I said what I meant." She took a deep breath. "God, see, I'm already bitchy, and we haven't even talked to him yet."
He almost smiled and led her to the bar, ordering the wine she liked and water for himself. "Drink. You always feel calmer after one drink."
She smiled. "Meaning two is out of the question."
"You tend to speak your mind more after the first glass. I am not sure that is the approach we want tonight."
She laughed.
"Well, look at you two." Len sidled up next to Spock and ordered bourbon from the bartender. "Thick as thieves."
"Implying that one of us stole something?" Spock's voice was even as he waited.
"Actually it implies that you both did. But semantics, right?" Len turned to look at Jim. "Isn't that a sight for sore eyes? Damn, it's good to have him back. And our boss now, Spock. I imagine he'll be stowing away for some training cruises."
"He will not have to stow away, as you well know, Doctor." Spock glanced at her, and Chapel knew he was probably wondering at her lack of a sharp—or any—retort.
She smiled at him and sipped her wine. She was not going to give Len the satisfaction. He was hurt and she understood. But understanding didn't mean she intended to fall victim to the McCoy acid treatment.
Ny came over, gave Chapel a hug and Spock a touch on the arm. "Good to see you two here." She shot Chapel a look that she couldn't read.
"Wouldn't miss it." She gave Ny the same bland smile she was gifting Len with.
What the hell was with her friends?
Ny looked over at Jim, a bit of hero worship in her eyes when she said, "I can't believe he's back." Her smile made Chapel want to slap her.
Then again, Chapel would probably be smiling the same damn way if she wasn't trying to make sure she didn't lose the man she was with to the man she used to love.
Did she still love him? Did love go away in the face of this kind of fear?
She was afraid not of Jim himself, but of what he was going to do. Of how he'd steal Spock back without any effort.
Was it low self esteem or just a keen memory of the past and a dose of self preservation making her think that?
Jim came over, got a refill on his scotch, and turned to them with a huge grin. "Now here's a sight for sore eyes." He hugged Ny, gave Spock a huge grin. It was clear by the way he smiled at Len that they'd been in contact.
Then he turned to Chapel. He smiled and pulled her in for a quicker hug than he'd given Ny. "Chris."
"Jim. Welcome back."
"Thanks." His grin didn't waver, but he said, "Can I borrow Spock? I need to talk to him."
"That's fine." She gave him her most blasé smile.
Ny looked over at the entrance. "Oh, I see Scotty. I'll be back."
Len move closer to Chapel. "Ballsy move, kid."
"He just wants to talk."
"Man can charm the birds out of the sky with just talk. But then you know that first hand." He sipped his drink and studied her. "Just so you know, I won't be there for you this time. If it all falls apart."
"Do you want it to fall apart?"
"Not particularly. You seem happy and I'm not actually as big an SOB as you seem to think I am. But history is history, hon'."
She sighed. "I wouldn't come to you again. It wouldn't be fair."
"And you have been fair—I'll give you that."
She tried not to drink her wine too fast, took a small sip, and closed her eyes for a moment.
"You all right?"
She nodded. "You just might be right, is all."
"Well, I might be wrong, too. You're not the only one who seems happy—Spock does, too. You make him happy."
"Thanks. I don't deserve you."
"Don't I know it?" He gave her a sad smile. "We were good, Christine. I think you made a mistake."
"The heart wants what the heart wants."
"Yeah, that would make sense if you'd ended up with Jim. But we're not talking about Jim, are we?"
She shrugged, then looked up as Spock came back to her. He seemed to assess the level of her wine and gave her the soft look that was his version of a human's reassuring smile.
"It's good to have him back?" she asked.
He nodded. "I missed my friend." He put no special emphasis on the word friend, yet somehow it was there, and she smiled. Spock turned to Len. "Are you not glad Jim is back?"
"But of course, Spock." Len shot him a look that was pure good old boy. "But then I'm not the one he left, now am I?" His expression stayed friendly.
Acid. Pure goddamned acid.
##
Chapel sat back and watched Sarek and Saavik having an animated—for two Vulcans—discussion over a recent Federation ruling. She looked over at Spock, saw him glance fondly at Saavik—she could hold her own against Sarek without ever sounding like she didn't love him, something Chapel knew Spock wished he could emulate. His disagreements with Sarek always turned a little sharp.
She realized Amanda was studying her, a look she wasn't sure how to interpret on her face. Then she smiled—her normal radiant smile—and turned away to say something to a server.
As Saavik wound down and before Sarek could work up his next counterargument, Amanda said, "So, how is it having Jim back?"
Saavik looked like Amanda had punched her. Sarek's eyes narrowed slightly.
Spock, however, said, "It is good to have him back."
Chapel realized Amanda didn't seem to care what Chapel thought. "I was surprised he came back. He seemed so resolved on retirement."
Amanda smiled gently. "I'm not surprised at all. The man belongs in the stars."
"Poetic." Chapel glanced at Sarek, who shook his head at her slightly.
"Shall we retire to the salon?" Amanda said, getting up so it was really not a question.
Spock and Saavik followed her, but Sarek hung back and Chapel stayed with him.
"What the hell was that?" She knew she was turning red. "I didn't realize she was such a fan of Jim's."
"She has always been fond of him." Sarek sighed and drew Chapel into the hall so the servers could clear the table. "And of his relationship with Spock."
"She doesn't like me?"
"I did not say that. She does like you, Christine. She knows you have been good for Spock—especially when it comes to nights such as this. Since you came into his life, we are a family in a way we have not been before."
"But the way she brought him up. It seemed like a slap." Chapel looked down. She should not be criticizing Amanda to him.
"I agree. It did." He seemed to take in her look of surprise and raised an eyebrow. "If what you say is true, should I disagree?"
She smiled. "I was surprised at the dinner invitation. I thought you were heading back to Vulcan."
"We were. But I heard Kirk was back and...found my plans were flexible."
Chapel closed her eyes. "So I'm not the only one who thinks my relationship with Spock has a shelf life? Was this our last hurrah—the wacky family dinner before the break-up?"
"If I thought the conclusion was foregone, I would offer you condolences, not dinner." His tone was sharper than she'd ever heard it. "But if you give up before the fight has even begun, then perhaps I should not have bothered to try to remind Spock what he would be leaving if he were to choose another."
"So you think the possibility that he'll leave is there?"
"There are always possibilities, Christine. It is the way of life. It is how attractive or not those possibilities appear that determine the likelihood they will be chosen. And if there are steps I can take to ensure you seem the most attractive alternative, I will do that."
"You surprise me."
"I do not know why. I have never tried to hide how fond I am of you. Or how much I approve of your relationship with my son."
"Are you two coming?" Amanda stood at the end of the hall; she gave them another of her radiant smiles.
Chapel suddenly realized it looked very much like one of Jim's—when he wasn't being particularly sincere.
##
Spock was out on another training cruise and Jim had chosen to observe this time. Chapel decided to work late; the apartment felt cold and empty, and she knew she was in the wrong kind of mood to be sitting in it alone thinking about the two of them together, reconnecting.
"I thought I would find you here." Saavik stood behind her, stealthy as the little cat Spock sometimes called her. "I am hungry and have no credits."
Chapel laughed. "Where did they go?"
"I used them to convince another cadet to rent me her study carrel. My roommate is noisy and enjoys loud music."
"I had one of those. Hated it."
"So you empathize. Can we go now?"
Chapel nodded and turned off the spare terminal she'd taken when the shifts changed. "What are you in the mood for?"
"Romulan steak." At Chapel's look of surprise, Saavik shrugged. "It was a thing they used on Hellguard as a reward."
"A reward for what?"
"Whatever they decided they wanted us to do." Saavik met her eyes. "Someday, I promise, I will tell you about the planet I grew up on. But I do not want to tonight."
"Okay. I can't offer you Romulan steak but I know a place that beams their steaks in from Honduras. Best beef ever."
"It is tempting, but I do not think it best that I revert to carnivore after so long denying that urge."
"Not a problem. We'll do Chinese, then? I'm in the mood."
Saavik nodded. As they walked to the restaurant, she asked, "Admiral Kirk accompanied Spock on this training cruise, did he not?"
"Yep."
"Are you not...upset at this?"
"I'm not doing cartwheels."
Saavik looked confused.
"I'm not happy."
"Ah. Idiomatic expressions are the most difficult to master."
"You do pretty well, kiddo." Chapel smiled at her, meaning it. Saavik used the "I am Vulcan, therefore you make no sense" ploy to get her out of things she did not want to do, but she understood humans quite well. "I'm not happy, but I have to trust Spock."
"I understand that you have no choice but to try to do that, but do you trust him?"
Chapel nodded, not letting any hesitation get in the way. It might be a little bit of a lie, but Saavik didn't need to know that. "Enough about me. Talk about you. You know that you can always come to the apartment if you need to study, right?"
"Would I not be intruding?"
"Please." She grinned at Saavik. "And would I tell you if you were? When I was young, I always thought that parents should have gender, not sex."
"I will remember that one. A diverting play on words." She looked at Chapel searchingly. "Is that how you think of yourself—as my parent?"
Chapel realized she'd said that without thinking. "I guess I do. Do you mind?"
"No, Christine, I do not mind." In fact, Saavik looked very pleased. "Did you ever want children of your own?"
"Yes. When I was engaged to Roger, we used to talk about having two or three. It didn't happen, obviously."
"You and Spock could—"
"It's not the time." She thought her voice was firm enough to make Saavik abandon the topic.
"I think you would be a good mother."
"I like kids. I like adult kids, too. And now I've got one, so look at me, skipping the messy baby stage and going right to you." She grinned at Saavik. "Can I ask a question?"
"Of course."
"Why did you and Jim not interact more when you were younger?"
Saavik's expression changed. "I do not know. I have always believed that he wanted Spock to himself. I was given to understand they were not open about their relationship on the ship. When they could get away together, they did. I was not...welcome."
"Didn't they come to Vulcan?"
"Not often. And I was jealous of him, so I was perhaps not at my best when he was around. Sarek would often take me to the desert or the tall grass fields and let me run like a savage until the anger had fled."
"Sarek would? Not Amanda?"
"It is ironic, is it not? She is so forgiving of Spock's lapses, yet she found me very hard to handle when I acted like a savage. Sarek never feared me. On Hellguard, that counted for everything."
"I love Sarek." Chapel smiled at her. "I love that he's good to you."
"And to you."
"Yes, and to me." The emotional ground they were on seemed deep and potentially maudlin, so she asked, "How often do you crave meat?"
Saavik lifted an eyebrow, suddenly a picture perfect Vulcan. "Changing the subject that abruptly is hardly subtle, Christine."
"No one has ever accused me of being subtle, toots."
##
Chapel heard the door to the apartment open, then Spock's familiar footsteps coming across the living room. She sat up, said, "You're back."
"I am." He was shucking his clothes off as he came toward her, letting his uniform lay where it fell. "I have missed you."
She threw the covers off and pulled him down to her, kissing him almost frantically.
"Christine," he said, pulling away. "We have time. There is no need to rush."
"I missed you."
"You are broadcasting distress, not passion. What is it?"
She pulled away some. "You won't like it."
"Perhaps I should be the judge of that?" He moved so he was lying next to her, drew her into his arms, and dragged the covers back over them.
"I'm jealous."
He leaned back against the padded headboard. "If you cannot trust me, Christine, we will not endure."
"You think I don't know that? But I liked him best once—is it such a stretch for me to worry that you might still feel that way?"
"I am not with him. I am with you." He sounded like he was teaching a slow child a very simple concept.
"Possession hasn't been nine-tenths of the law for some time."
He slipped out the other side of the bed, went to the closet, and pulled on a robe. "I can see you are in no mood to be welcoming." He went out to the living room, closing the door behind him.
She lay there a moment, then got up and followed him. He was in the kitchen, pouring a glass of water.
"I'm sorry."
"I do not have the energy for a protracted discussion on my fidelity or lack thereof. I am tired, Christine. I wanted to come home and be with you. That is all I can say."
She walked over to him, ran her hand down his chest. "I know. I'm just a little bit neurotic these days." She took the glass from him and put it down, then pulled him to her and gave him the best kiss she could.
He lifted her nightgown, began to touch her as they kissed. When her knees buckled, he supported her with his other hand. "You must trust me."
"I want to. I swear I do." She had her head back, felt the tension building and building. "I wouldn't be so crazy if I didn't love you."
He silenced her with a kiss, muffling the sounds of her coming, then pushed her onto the counter and lifted his robe up. He was a little bit wild with his thrusting, and Chapel imagined it was impatience with her causing him to take her this way.
"I'm sorry," she murmured as he moved, said it again as he clutched at her and found his release. "I love you."
"And I love you, Christine." He didn't let her down off the counter, stayed inside her, pulling her legs up to wrap higher around his waist. Then he went back to work on her, becoming ready for her as he played, until she was about to go again and then he started to move inside her.
She moaned and this time he didn't try to muffle her cries or his own when he came again. He held her tightly, rubbing his hand down her back. "It is good to be home."
"It's good to have you home."
"We do not have another training cruise for a month. Ample time for you to tire of me being constantly underfoot."
She smiled. "Not likely."
End Part 1