No Place Like Home
Written for The Reviews Lounge, Too 2015 Green Room Challenge. Day One: There's No Business Like Show Business!
"Come on, it will be fun." Kris pleaded to the boys. "It will keep your minds off the fact we're all trapped in this small death trap. Flying helplessly in space with no real goal besides trying to stay alive."
"I have a goal." Dave protested. "It's called returning to Earth."
Kris attempted to guilt them. "It's the least you can do for trapping me in this dimension. My Dave, Cat and Kryten would've done this for me. Ace, you'll help me, won't you? I know you're here to pick up Davey, but you need a break sometimes and what's a more perfect time than now."
The male crew of Red Dwarf looked at Kris like she was mad. They had no interest in plays and Kris's other games. They wondered how their other selves from there her dimension did everything she said they did. They were starting to think she was just making everything up, trying to mould them into what she wanted.
"The time stream isn't breaking up yet from Davey being a walking time paradox. I should be able to visit for a short while." Ace replied, looking over at Dave.
"Why should I be in a play? What's in it for me?" Cat asked. He didn't do anything unless it benefitted him.
"You can make the costumes. You're very talented at dancing. The best on the stage." Kris pandered to the Cat, stopping when she knew she had him hooked. The only female turned her attention to the mechanoid. "Kryten, think of all the cleaning and ironing the costumes you'll get to do."
She'd won Kryten and Cat over. Now the hardest one of all. Dave. If he didn't agree, then the others would pull out.
"You can't send all the time brooding over Rimmer or sitting in the medical bay watching over little Davy. What else do we have to do in this rust bucket?"
"Brooding over Rimmer?" Ace asked with a raised eyebrow.
"What do you know, turns out I miss him. Never thought I would. Alright, I'll do it, but only if Ace does." Dave finally gave in.
"Of course I'll join in." Ace attempted to charm Kris.
"Then we're all set." Kris clapped with glee, happy for the chance of pace.
- Red Dwarf -
Kris decided on the play. The Wizard of Oz. A modified version to suit her new crewmates. Writing the script herself. She'd even decided on the parts for everyone. The next few derelicts they came across besides getting their regular supplies they also got props and materials for their play. She had started the script before Ace turned up, re-writing a role that suited the Rimmer she knew more than Ace who she didn't yet know. It did sadden her that Rimmer was going to take little Davey to the past, something that she needed to keep herself and Dave busy so they didn't dwell on what ifs.
They spent evening building sets, making costumes and auditioning for the different parts even though she already knew who was going to do what. She wanted to work on the sets during the day, knowing that Dave wouldn't be much help since he slept in till two o'clock most afternoons. What surprised her was Ace also slept in till late morning.
Instead, she spent the days with her son, knowing they would be the last precious days she'd get to spend with him. She was happy to see that Cat was making costumes, even more than what was necessary.
- Red Dwarf -
The whole of Starbug had been set up for the play. The boys and Kris dressed and ready for the performance that no one else would ever see. Her son in her arms, asleep. The camera's all fixed and recording so they could watch at a later date. The first film that had been made in a few million of years.
"Okay, this is the real thing, are you ready to go?" Kris asked the boys.
"As ready as I'll ever be." Dave agreed.
Speaking into the microphone and going over the loud speaker system, Kri started narrating. "Dorothy was celebrating her birthday with her friends, going from pub to pub. She was completely smashed, had no idea who she was or where she was going."
She smiled as Dave stumbled around the first set in his first costume which was just his usual outfit. On cue, he took a drink of one of the props.
"This isn't larger" Dave complained. "It's water. How am I supposed to act drunk if I'm not drunk?"
Kris sighed, already the play wasn't going how it was supposed to. "Dave, we've been over this. You can't get drunk, you are just acting drunk. We rehearsed this many times."
"When we rehearsed we had larger," Dave complained.
"Yes and we had to wait two full days for you to sleep off your hangover. Anyway, let's continue." She cleared her throat and continued narrating. "He had a wonderful evening with his friends. He left them in a joyful mood, returning home to sleep off the alcohol."
"That's the end of the first scene, Dave as soon as you have finished changing costumes we'll continue." She used the change break to attend to Davey.
- Red Dwarf -
The next set was in the cargo bay. She was impressed that he's actually put on the red checked gingham dress and put bows on each dreadlock.
"Okay Dave, stand here. Is everyone else ready?" Kris looked at each one of the boys, inspecting costumes.
Dave grumbled, getting onto the ground to fake sleep. "Let's get this over with."
Kris took a seat and started narrating the second scene. "When Dorothy came back to her sense, she found she was no longer on Earth. She was on a mining ship called the Red Dwarf. The mining ship was currently located in the Oz sector of the universe."
Dave stood up, looking around slightly after the point he was supposed to stand. "Where am I? This isn't my house or the pub."
The computer monitor had a still image of female Holly on the screen. It wasn't the real Holly since she was with the Red Dwarf and currently, they didn't know the location of the Red Dwarf.
Ace sitting next to Kris took the microphone doing his best impersonation of female Holly. "You're on the mining ship, Red Dwarf. I'm Holly, the good witch."
Dave looked at the monitor and asked, "how did I get here?"
"You and your drinking friends enlisted to join the crew while drunk." Ace as Holly the good witch continued. "After you enlisted, you got locked up for refusing to tell the Captain where your cat was. You got locked in stasis. It's the fastest anyone's been locked in stasis. You weren't even a member of the crew for a full day."
"Cat? Crew? What crew, I don't see any other people."
"They're all dead Dorothy, everybody's dead. Died in a radiation leak."
"Even the nurses? Even my drinking buddies? Even the Captain?" Dave asked, channelling the day he was woken by stasis three million years into deep space. "How do I get back to Earth?"
"You need to see the Wizard of Oz, he'll tell you how to get back to Earth." Ace replied in Holly's voice for the last time. "To find him you need to go to the drive room and follow the Yellow Star." With his lines over, he stood up to get ready for the set Dave would meet up with his other character.
Kris continued narrating. "On her way to the drive room, Dorothy came across the person he'd been assigned to share a bunk with."
Kris was surprised that Ace was able to channel so much of the Rimmer she knew, if she didn't know better, she would say she was looking at the Arnold Rimmer she knew and not the Arnold 'Ace space adventuring hero' Rimmer.
Dave knelt down, trying to hold back his laughter at seeing Ace dressed as a scarecrow. It was the first time he'd put his costume on. He was wearing Rimmer's old uniform and boots with straws sticking out since they didn't have any straw.
Once his laughing was under control, Dave started talking. "Scarecrow, what are you doing here? Holly, the good witch, told me everyone was dead."
"Dorothy was wondering if the computer had lied to her," Kris continued.
"I am dead you imbecile. Didn't you see the H, I am a hologram. Now I will never pass the astronavigation exams and become an officer." Ace complained, nostrils flaring and stomping his foot in frustration.
Kris narrowed her eyes, that was far too much like Rimmer, and the grin on Dave's face didn't look like someone who looked like a dead friend. He was watching Ace as if that was his Rimmer. Kryten looked like he was going into some type of overload. Cat didn't look at all surprised to see Ace so much like Rimmer.
Dave delivered his lines with a grin instead of the expression he was supposed to have. "Maybe it's still possible for you to become an officer. I'm on my way to the drive room to see the Wizard of Oz so he can tell me the way back to Earth. You can ask him if a hologram can become an officer."
Dave held out his hand, passing right through Ace. Dave shrugged. Ace stood up from the floor, dusting himself off.
Kris couldn't hide her shock, Ace was a hologram? She never even guessed.
Kryten started to spark. "You're not Mister Ace, you're Mister Rimmer."
Cat looked up from his seat. "You didn't know that? I thought everyone knew he was Goalpost head and just weren't saying anything because no one wanted him."
"But if Mister Rimmer didn't die, who did?" Kryten spluttered.
"Ace. He wasn't even the first Ace we met," Dave replied.
Kryten started to cry or as close as the mechanoid could get to crying. "Oh Mister Rimmer, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that was you. Mister Lister has missed you so much I had to -"
"I already know, you don't need to tell me." Rimmer snapped.
Kris had so many questions she wanted to ask Rimmer but knew that if she stopped her play now, she would never get the boys to pick it up again. "We should get back to the play and talk about this later. Dorothy and Scarecrow continued on their way to the drive room. They didn't get far before they came across another person on the ship whom neither of them recognised."
Cat proclaimed "I'm looking good." His suit lighting up the room. "Who are you monkeys? You're making everything ugly."
Kris was glad that the Cat was continuing on with the play without her having to bribe him.
Dave also continued on with his own lines. "I'm Dorothy, and this is Scarecrow. Who are you? Where did you come from?"
"I'm Lion. I was born here, my ancestor was brought here by our drunk God Dorkstery. It's you who should be telling me where you came from." Cat was having too much fun with his role.
"We were crew on the ship before the accident. I got locked in stasis for bringing my cat Toto on board. I think I might be your ancestry," Dave explained.
Cat gave Dave a look of disbelief. "You mean the holy mother, Frankenstein."
"Toto you numbskull. The name was changed for the play," Rimmer hissed.
"Yeah her," Cat replied, not as all phased by saying the wrong line. "She's the mother of all Lions."
"Do you want to come with us?" Dave offered.
"And interrupt my beauty sleep! I don't think so." Cat then stalked off.
"Cat, you're meant to go with them!" Kris yelled after Cat.
"Not till I get my nap! If I don't have my nap, then I won't be able to sleep during my evening sleep." Cat reasoned.
Kris sighed. They did get further along than she thought they would get and she did have questions for Rimmer, as did Kryten and the baby was starting to get fussy.
- Red Dwarf -
The small crew met up with Kryten for snacks while waiting for Cat to return. Kris handed the baby over to Dave.
"You really should take that off, you'll get curry stain's all over your dress." Rimmer fussed over his former bunkmate and the baby in his arms.
"If I take this off, it's not going back on." Dave protested. Not listening to Kryten, Rimmer or Kris about ruining his costume.
"You're doing well so far, better than I though." Kris congratulated the boys. "I would like to do additional takes."
Rimmer answered her first. "I don't have time for additional takes. I'm only here for a short visit and then need to return to work. Wildfire is already upset at how long I've been here. I was only supposed to be picking up the baby. Listy, you have no idea how much I've wanted to give you a hard time about the baby. I was right about your parents being related. This is even better than the paternity of your twins."
Dave glared. "You can shut up, how was I supposed to know Kris was me mum, that I'm me own father and that the baby is another version of me. I wish I could keep him."
"What twins?" Kris asked. Rimmer smirked, and Dave looked away, but neither of them answered her. Cat chose that moment to rejoin them. Instead of questioning the boys they went back to the play after she'd put the baby down for a sleep.
- Red Dwarf -
They picked up from the drive room of Starbug.
"We're here. Now what?" Cat looked bored as he asked.
"We have to follow the yellow star," Dave said, taking a seat at the steering column.
Rimmer sat down at the navigation console that Kristine had been using since she arrived. He looked at home at the console. "I don't see any yellow stars on the map."
Cat pointed to the window. "I smell a yellow star in that direction. My nose is never wrong, it is certainly a yellow star."
He didn't seem like he was acting anymore and was actually smelling out a yellow star."
Kris continued narrating. "They kept following towards the Yellow Star. Stopping then they discovered a crashed ship on a nearby planetoid."
"I don't see a crashed ship," Cat stated.
"It's a part of the play you goit," Rimmer snapped. Now that he wasn't pretending to be Ace, he was talking back and insulting every chance he got.
"Is that all? I don't want to do this play anymore. It's time for my nap." Cat complained.
"Cat, you just got back from a nap. I know you need a billion sleeps a day, but can you please wait until we are finished?" Kris pleaded.
"Alright, Bud Babe. But only because you look good in the clothes I made," Cat replied.
- Red Dwarf -
They walked to the next set which was Dave's bedroom where Kryten was waiting for them with a skeleton they'd found in one of the derelicts medi-bays.
Kryten stood and greeted them as he entered. "Welcome travellers. I'm Tinman, a series 4000 mechanoid. Ma'am, please don't be rude and greet out guests." He gestured before the skeleton.
Kris was glad that someone remembered they were doing a play.
"You do realise she's dead, don't you?" Rimmer stated.
"She dead! I turn my back for two seconds, and she dies." Kryten replied in a fluster. They had to reprogram him slightly, so he was reliving an altered version of what happened to him when he was on Nova 5. He kept insisting that he couldn't play the part of Tinman since he wasn't human. "I have no purpose to live. I must shut myself down."
Dave stopped Kryten from picking up a screwdriver. "Tinman, you don't need to shut yourself down."
"Of course I do, with the crew dead, I have no-one to serve. With no-one to serve I have no purpose, thus I must shut myself down."
"Come with us to the yellow star to see the Wizard of Oz. He'll help you find a new purpose, so you don't need to shut yourself down. I'm Dorothy, I'm looking for him so I can find my way back to Earth." Dave introduced himself.
"I'm Scarecrow. I want to find out if I can become a Space Corp's officer even though I am dead." Rimmer added.
"I was bored, so I decided to come with them. I'm Lion." Cat said, looking at his fingernails.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Lister, Mr Rimmer, Mr Cat." Kryten greeted.
Kris let Kryten's slip up pass. There had already been some mistakes in the play.
- Red Dwarf -
The returned to the cargo bay for the final part of the play. Kris taking her seat from earlier with Rimmer sitting next to her.
"The travellers bonded during their years of looking for the yellow star. They were beginning to think they would never find the Yellow star or the Wizard of Oz when they found the yellow sun of Earth." Kris continued narrating.
On the screen which had earlier displayed female Holly now displayed still image of male Holly.
"What's up dudes." Rimmer's voice said in an impersonation of male Holly's voice. He'd recorded the voice earlier since he was needed for this part. "I am Holly, the Wizard of Oz, a computer with an IQ of 6000. Ask me a question, any question and I'll be able to answer it for you."
"I'd like to go back to Earth. How do I do that?" Dave asked.
"You can't. We're three million years into deep space. The Earth probably doesn't exist anymore, and if it did, it's even less likely that the human race exists. So unless you manage to jump through space and time, you cannot return to the Earth you knew."
Dave looked legitimately depressed. He hated hearing that it was impossible to get home, even if it was just for a part in a play that Kris has plagiarised.
Rimmer stood up for his own part. "Can I become an officer even though I'm dead?"
He then returned to the seat for Holly's lines. "As long as you pass the astronavigation exams. Being dead doesn't matter. But considering you have failed thirteen times while you were alive, I highly doubt you will ever pass. Cat, the vending machine on the third deck serves only fish."
"I like this Oz dude. I'm going to get you little fishies." The Cat sang, looking for fish. Not realising Starbug didn't have any vending machines.
"My crew is dead, I'm looking for a purpose so I don't have to turn myself off," Kryten asked.
"You already have a new crew in Miss Dorothy and Mr Scarecrow. They both need all the help they can get." Rimmer's voice replied.
"I have a new crew. I'm going to get to cleaning, washing and ironing right away." Kryten replied happily. "I will make sure they don't die like my last crew."
"What do I do now if I can't get home?" Dave asked.
"Make a new home and happy memories with your friends. Lion and Tinman both need you. Honestly, what did you have on Earth? You didn't have family. Your drinking buddies weren't real friends. You were in a dead end job and called a storage locker home at the end of the day. Now you have Lion who evolved from your pet Cat. A mechanoid who worships your very existence for giving him a purpose. Your annoying bunkmate who is the best friend you've ever had, even if he is a smeghead. You are home, Dorothy. This is your family."
Dave started crying, genuine tears. He couldn't continue on with his script. He missed the time for his lines when Rimmer got sick of waiting and kept talking.
"Scarecrow. Being an officer isn't everything. You have a second chance to make something else of yourself. Be who you want to be. Don't work towards a goal just because it's who your father wants you to be. Don't be depressed because you can't live up to your parent's expectations or be like your brother. If you fail, learn from your experience. Don't dwell on why you failed, use that experience to move forward."
"That was wonderful" Kris cried out. "You guys did better than I thought you would. Thank you for doing this. Thankyou Rimmer for agreeing to help even though you are only here for a short while."
Rimmer gave her a rare genuine smile. "I said I would be back for Christmas. One of the best Christmas's and New Years breaks I've had. I'll need to continue on as Ace tomorrow. For now, Kristine and Lister you should spend the rest of the evening with Baby Dave. Tomorrow he will be going back to the past."
Kryten hummed happily as he began cleaning up all the props for the play. His favourite part of the play while the humans fussed over the baby and talked about how much fun they had performing the play.
Updated 5 May 2017