"It's him, it'll always be him"
The words run through my mind.
My feet feel numb, my eyes still sting from the tears that refuse to stop leaking down my face.
My heart bangs at my chest.
My hands dig into the ground as I collapse.
"Jake!"
Her voice still rushes over me. As if she's standing right there, kicking me in the stomach. Killing me.
I couldn't stay up phased for long.
Not after all the thoughts I heard.
Sam, Embry, Jared, Paul.
All of them trying to help.
Trying to make the pain go away.
"Don't worry man. You'll get over her" -Embry
"I knew it! I told ya she was stringing you along. That bloodsuckers back in town for one second and the next thing you know it's like you never existed-" Paul
"I'm sorry, bro"-Jared
"Jake. Calm down. Come home"-Sam
Come home.
The last words I heard before I just couldn't take it anymore.
I heave and scream at the ground.
Dig my nails further into the dirt.
Of course I knew it wouldn't be me.
Of course I knew that he is what she would choose.
But I thought...
I thought that if he left and stayed gone, there'd be a real chance that she could be mine.
"I'm selfish"
She'd told me that at the movie theater the night before I changed.
It was her way of justifying stringing me along.
Because if she couldn't have him, then I was her second choice.
Even if that meant she could never want me the way that she wanted him.
I was fine with it, though.
Because in the back of my head I knew...
Damnit, Bella, I'm selfish, too.
If I acted as your sun in this rainy town of Forks, Washington, I knew one day eventually you would grow and bloom.
And I'd be the one to enjoy that beauty.
You'd open yourself up to me in time.
I KNEW it.
It was happening.
I was selfish, too.
That's why I was glad every single day that he stayed away.
Even though I knew it was the cause of your pain.
I prayed every single day that you'd never see him again.
Even though I knew he would be an instant cure to your sickness-and I was just remission.
But I was willing to be that.
You said you'd never run right.
Not fully, at least.
But I was willing to take that chance.
You forgot that I'm a mechanic.
I see the beauty in the junk.
In what other people just called scrap metal.
I'd work with the bugs, Bells, because to me you were a classic.
You were worth broken more than any girl in the world was worth without all the baggage.
Bella, I would have fixed you.
I would have got you running again each and every time you fell back because of the wear and tear.
It's what I do.
I could have done that for you.
But you chose him.
Like I knew you would.
Like everyone knew you would.
The pack told me I was a sucker.
That I am a fool.
But I didn't care.
Because I'm selfish too, just like you.
And I wanted you.