A/N: Exams are over...
Now that I have some free time, I'm not gonna waste it...
A devilish desire is nagging me lately and here I am, writing angst for the first time...
Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with SW.
I won't waste your time anymore...on with the story...
She rejected him.
He bared his soul, his heart to her, and she slashed through it like his lightsaber will do during some aggressive negotiation.
Aggressive negotiations? Those words were able to make her smile, a smile of his own crept upon Anakin's lips. He lied shirtless on the bed, staring at the ceiling, the different patterns and his thoughts seemed to have caught up on a train, in patterns. Pattetns , some were coherent, like those craved on the ceiling and some shifting, like the moonlight casted over the coherent ones after being reflected off the lakes of Nabbo.
Lakes of Naboo. The wind, fresh and cool carrying the scent of roses that enchanted the entire atmosphere over the fields.
He wished they carried her scent as well. He'd bottle it if he could and cling onto it when she wasn't here to cling ono.
He rolled his Padawan braid absently in between his index and thumb.
The roses kept in the balcony. In a vase under that tree where he had...well, stolen a kiss.
He tugged a bit too hard and it hurt the skin over his ear. He lied his head back down. Eyes half-closed.
He had stolen a kiss. But still it was a kiss. Her mouth felt so soft, lush and smooth. Pressed against his so tenderly. Like feathers. His first kiss. Even when he moved closer she hadn't stepped back. Seemed like she had wanted that, too. Just that, she would't accept it.
''Padmé!'' Came out the involuntary name. She had etched herself into his heart and there was no way to take it back.
Only if she admitted she had some feelings for him. He knew she cares. She does. But...
With every rejection, she had left a scar on his heart, that couldn't be healed, that always hurt, that served as a painful reminder. Of not that she rejected him, but of the grounds on which she rejected him.
He was a Jedi... She was a senator...
Attachment is forbidden.
Love is forbidden.
A Jedi doesn't know love.
Nor anger.
Nor hatred.
Nor fear.
Jedi don't have nightmares.
His head began to hurt a little. These rules. Everything forbidden. Then why does he have those nightmares haunting him, robbing him of precious sleep. Of all those things, he couldn't control this. They attack him when he's the most vulnerable.
Well, somewhat like Padmé does.
Even though not intentionally, but still it hurts. She gets his hopes up and then lets him down.
That day on the meadow. She was clad in that yellow outfit. Looking like an angel. Her hair curled and pulled into buns, how the golden sunlight touched her skin. Her laugh just like a windchime tinkling. How worried she was when he fell off the shaak. He wouldn't tell that it didn't hurt, it did, but her worried expression erased it all. Rolling on the ground when she was on top of her, he knew that his blush had been unmistakable. Did she notice? The way she had her arms around his waist while riding the shaak. He liked it...
He sank a bit more into the pillows. The dull ache in his head becoming a throbbing pain. He kneaded his temples for a while and knew its futile.
Near the fire he had tried to kiss her again. But she denied him straightforward. He felt rejected. He was rejected. It was like a slap across the face. But he respects her and her wishes. He'd never do anything against her will...
According to her, they are not meant to be. That no one would accept it. That he can't be a Jedi and a lover at the same time. According to her...
Wait.
According to her...Then what was it, according to him?
Could they really have a future together?
The reality of it hit him so hard, it almost choked him. There has to be a way. There has to be...
He rolled on his side. His head pounding. The pillow was comfortable enough for him to bury his face into as if it would block out everything. He wished it did.
If she hadn't loved him, he'd have never showed her his face again. But he knew she did. And she wouldn't accept it.
He was able to succumb to sleep. But it wasn't what he wanted.
A dust storm ragging on Tatooine. He hates it.
Then he saw his mother. 9 years old Anakin ran into her arms. Her smile widening as she ruffled his hair. In those bad times, she had, somehow, conjured up the happiness that everyone deserves at least once in their life.
He feels everything that he wasn't able to in years. Happiness. Joy. Love. His mother whom he hadn't seen in years.
Then like glass...everything shatters. A horde of tusken riders capturing his dear mother.
''Mom!''
He urges her to run. Feeling useless as he couldn't do anything. In front of his eyes they drag her away.
''Mom! Don't let them-''
Change of scenery.
The entire battle of Naboo war playing in front of him.
His mother. Padmé. Obi-wan.
''Annie...''
''Padmé.''
Her affections pouring into the force.
''I'll always be with you Annie. Shmi will be alright. You'll see her.
He rests his head on her lap. Her fingers twirling circles in his hair, kneading his temples, easing some of his headache.
The next moment he's back on Tatooine. The storm devouring everything. He couldn't breathe...the storm making it almost impossible... Then somehow he's dragged out, his lungs screaming out.
Throwing the pillow away, he sucked in as much air as he could.
He stared around the room. The breeze cool against his bare skin. It was Nabbo. Not Tatooine. And it was the pillow cutting of his air.
His skin slicked with sweat. And his chest heaving with each breath.
And there was no Padmé...
It was just a dream. A dream. Padmé would never come into his room. And why would she? She does all she could to keep that cold barrier between them.
But I felt her in the Force...
He takes a deep breath. Even if she did. Even if Padmé came here, she probably had stayed at the doorway, watching him suffer and left...
Would she ever accept she loves him?
Each rejection brought fresh agony and he bore it all. Pushing back the pain and smiling. A fake smile, which he doubts had its marks on his skin, as he used it so often. But he had a heart too. That felt.
Jedi don't know emotions.
He stared out the window. His thoughts drifting away. Wishing Jedi didn't have so many prohibition.
A/N: It wasn't up to my expectation but still hope you liked it. I'll edit it to yield a better result. Right now, I think, I'll update a few more chapters, one-shots with the same theme.
Let me know your opinion about this in reviews.
Happy reading,
~love-and-joy
May the force be with you...always.