With You I'm Born Again

by o0LexieKarev0o

"Yes or no? In or out? Up or down? Live or die? Hero or coward? Fight or give in? I'll say it again, to make sure you hear me: a human life is made up of choices. Live or die? That's the important choice... and it's not always in our hands." - Derek Shepherd, MD

Prologue

Lexie Grey

Have you watched that movie? That episode of your favorite TV Show, where some Hollywood writer philosophizes about life through the middle aged housewife that battled cancer sits in her hospital bed surrounded by her family; where the ambitious young police offer sinks to his knees thinking about all the dreams he had as a little boy, that part where the 89 year old grandfather of six closes his eyes for the last time.

We've all seen that movie, that show. We've all read that book.

In the light of death, you go back to all the significant moments of your life. Pictures of birthdays, graduation, weddings dance in front of your mind's eye like in a kaleidoscope. That's what the characters say. That's what the writers believe.

They have no idea...

"For most people, the hospital is a scary place. A hostile place. A place where bad things happen. Most people would prefer church, or school, or home, but I grew up here. While my mom was on rounds, I learned to read in the OR gallery, I played in the morgue, I colored with crayons on old ER charts. Hospital was my church, my school, my home; hospital was my safe place, my sanctuary. I love it here. Correction: loved it here." - Meredith Grey, MD

Chapter 1: Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

"Stop it already!", April shrieked with that high-pitched voice of hers that is part of why people take quite some time to warm up for her, and ripped the ball pen out of Lexie's hand because she could no longer bear hearing the constant clicking noise Lex created by pressing it continually in the rhythm of a sprinting man's pulse. "April..", a tired Jackson interrupted, fetching out a delicate fountain pen from the breast pocket of his -in the wake of the nightmare from 3 days ago- morbidly white and shiny coat and offered it to Lexie with a warm impression, unable to give her a full smile. "Thank you.", she said calmly and took it, sighed at April and walked away thus making Jackson give her a reproachful look. "What?", she asked defensively. "Don't tell me this click click click click click doesn't drive YOU crazy, too!" True that. Jackson hadn't slept too much in the past couple of days but then again who had? He wanted to lecture his friend but he decided to give her the same courtesy as Lexie so he merely asked her to "Cut Lexie some slack". Turning away from the desk he leaned against, he watched the 3rd year resident enter the room she's hung around in like a bat for days now. Room 203. Alex Karev's chamber.

She entered Alex room with a lie. "My shift is over." Well, technically it was. But it had already been over a couple of times before she actually stepped down and called it a night. After her post-it brother in law had put Dr. Webber back into charge, the Chief had ordered back Doctors Wallace and Turner back from their seminar in Santa Monica. Despite the fact that, due to the tragic casualties and injuries, SGMWH was now understaffed and had to rely on temporary help from other hospitals, said shrinks had made Richard agree to a new schedule for his traumatized doctors. They weren't supposed to go on vacations because running away would likely result in them developing too great a fear to eventually set foot back into this place. But also, in order to prevent breakdowns, they had him agree to short workdays, putting the well being of the caregivers first. Pretty much every attending was cleared to work full time if they chose to, and they did, but there are also doctors like Jackson, who clearly couldn't take more than a couple of hours a day at this point. Lexie, however, completely disregarding this policy, has been working several shifts now, slowly exchanging the blood inside her body with bland instant coffee.

Sliding into the painfully uncomfortable chair by Alex' bedside evoked a great deal of sympathy for the family members of hospitalized patients in her in a matter of minutes. Wriggling about on it, she checked his vitals praying for a change that wasn't there. Disappointed, her eyes wandered over to her boyfriend, who's been sleeping ever since he slipped away right under her hands.

Lexie spent the days working, yet, checking on Alex after nearly every single patient consult, making sure he's alright, hoping to find him awake, alas. When it would get dark outside, she'd call it a night, take off her coat and transform back from a busy doctor into a worried girlfriend solely. But even if she wouldn't leave him alone for the world, she still hated those never ending nights that were so awfully silent she could hear every last thought rattling in her mind, haunting her, making it impossible for her to find enough peace to sleep, a circumstance Lexie welcomes because, at the end of the day, she's just too frightened to let go and sleep and not keep an eye on him.

So she did what she does every night: grabbed a little tub, filled it with water, fetched a sponge and started to slowly undress Alex.

When Meredith entered the Police Station for the 3rd time this week it didn't take a genius to sense the tension in her every muscle. She stepped in front of his cell and peeked at his mates. One of which here for rather obvious reasons what with her tiny purple skirt and her golden glitter boots, and two other men that looked as civil as Derek himself did, seeming all out of place in a place like this. "Tell me..", Meredith insisted, "Just one valid reason I should bail you out, AGAIN!". Derek tried to go McDreamy on her and pursed his lips. "I'm your husband.". To that she huffed and crossed her arms. "Post-It ain't gon' save you this time, Derek.", she huffed angrily. "I'm tired of this crap!" Could he really not see her despair, she wondered as she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Meredith.", he promised but that just seemed to upset her even more. "You're sorry? That's supposed to do? That's supposed to do when we cannot build our house, because you've used up all our money for bail charges and trials? That's supposed to do when we can't have children because you get convicted and have to go to jail for more than one night at a time?" Her voice got even smokier than it was to begin with. "I'm Sorry is what you plan on telling the parents of the teenage girls on the sidewalk you run down because you lose control over your car?" She shook her head again, even harder. "No, Derek. It is I who am sorry." He got worried. "Because I'm Sorry will NOT be what a policemen knocking at my door will say to me someday when you killed yourself. That's not good enough for me. I am not allowing you to make me a widow like that!" Aroused she started to walk away despite his best tries to apologize, when suddenly she stopped, her hands buried deep in the pockets of her black trench coat remembering the words he said to her when after Christina and Jackson so brilliantly saved him he woke up. And without turning around to face him, she thought about the not so subtle ultimatum she'd just given him. "Live or die, Derek?", she asked surprisingly calm and with that, she left the department.

Later that day, when Meredith arrived at her house she realized how little it felt like a home anymore. Derek dangled between the hospital and jail, Alex was still hospitalized, Lexie hadn't been here in here since the morning of the shootout that she left here, George had gotten himself an own place and Izzy.. Izzy had been gone for almost a year now. As she was about to take off her coat she decided she wasn't going to spend all her time alone in an empty house just because everybody else was too busy to come around. She nodded to herself, picked up her car keys again and drove over to the place that was once her sanctuary. Christina spotted her first thing when she turned into the floor of the ICU. "There you are!", Meredith' best friend shouted and came rushing to her side anxious to fill her in with all that she'd missed when she was busy fighting with her husband. "So, George has gone totally badass in the OR today. He was flyin', you know?", she said excited. "I'm telling you, Rambo's eyes would have popped out of his head when George was all You are not dying on me! and you know I'm not easily impressed." Yang rattled on before Mer even had the chance to agree. Instead she went on about how April keeps hissing at everyone for no valid reason when at the same time Jackson has become the mildest little dove.

Just as Meredith wanted to pick up there and ask her friend if she knew where those two were, Christina came to her big finish in a rhetorically brilliant save the best for last move. "But that was nothing compared to the epic.. -yeah I know we're both too smart and old to use this word like a bunch of brainless teenage fan girls but trust me that is just the most accurate term for the catfight that went down between Tess and Izzy 2.0!"

"Izzy 2.0?", Mer wondered more about Christina's lack of tact rather than the allusion to Alex' new slightly alike girlfriend as that was a no-brainer. Christina explained: "I was originally going to go with Thatcher's Crazy Offspring but that would have been kind of ambiguous and Meredith 2.0 struck me as rude." Sarcastically Meredith huffed out a "How considerate of you." before demanding for Yang to further elaborate what happened between her sister and their attending. And with the utmost delight, Christina carried on: "Alex vitals improved and Lexie thought he was waking up, but instead of paging Tess she barked all sorts of instructions to the nurses herself which drew Altman's attention to the room and when she entered and found Lexie all over her patient, Tess freaked out because she's had it with you playing your boyfriend's doctor!" Mer crossed her arms disapproving of Tess harsh words as much as Christina's screwed up priorities. Clearly, an update on their friend's condition was what she should have filled Mer in about first. Christina, however, continued with her impersonation undeterred. "Lexie's jaw dropped to the floor, I'm telling you, not even Torres could fix THAT! And then she went all protective Lion mother and tried to..-" Christina had to interrupt her story because she just couldn't help laughing until Meredith hissed at her. "Christina!"

"Alright, alright!", she retorted, lifting her hands in defense as she tried to pull herself together. Taking a breath she proceeded: "She tried to order Tess out of the room, to which she went all pecking order on her.. If it wasn't for Owen walking in and killing the show, she just might have gotten her fired." That part Christina didn't have to elaborate since it wasn't the first clash between Lexie and Dr. Altman since Alex' coma. Lexie was, undoubtedly, more than grateful that Tess had saved his life and she wouldn't even stop to express and display her gratitude to the point of annoyance. Yet, she wouldn't back down when Tess told her to stop being Karev's doctor and leaving it at being his girlfriend. I saved his life!, Lexie would insist, but that had gotten her nowhere.

Meredith looked over to the door behind which two members of her family were, both injured badly, yet in such different ways and she took a breath. "Tell April and Jackson I was looking for them.", she said and headed towards Room 203.

When she opened the door to Alex' room, Mer felt her heart sting first thing. It wasn't even seeing her friend -usually so tough and energetic- lie there like that all pale and hooked up to too many machines, because to Dr. Grey that made sense, perfectly. Alex was hurt, so he would look and be treated a particular way. What robbed her of her breath much more was something that didn't make much sense to Doctor Grey. Seeing Lexie look almost just the same despite the absence of any obvious damage. Only Meredith Grey, a married woman, an older sister, a human being would be able to make sense of this -and she did- but in a way, that hurt even more.

Lexie had just finished sponge bathing Alex and changing his bandage and was now fixing his wardrobe when her sister carefully shut the door although she was rather certain Lexie wouldn't have noticed if she slammed it. Mer's eyes fell onto the little tub and wandered on to the fine pair or surgeon hands that ran over Alex chest soft as a breeze, trembling like a leaf. "Hey..", she finally said, cursing herself inside for her lack of wit in a situation where delicacy was required so badly, and she approached Alex bed. With the speed of light, Lexie's mind raced through tons of possible things to say, dismissing each one that was about herself. "How's Derek?", she would end up replying and to her sisters great relief, Mer rolled with it. "He's being an idiot.", she said. "Walks around with a hole in his chest. Although, technically he drives around with one." Or racing around with one, Mer added in her head. "How is Alex?", she asked back and leaped for the chart when she flashed back to what Christina told her about Tess treating her like a hysterical girlfriend rather than a fit doctor. So she left the chart in place and remained a visitor. Lexie huffed so loudly it nearly startled Meredith and stated the not so obvious: "You know, he was here for a while. Derek I mean."

Since it was obviously a consult Mer kept quiet and listened to what her sister had to say. "There is no reason for him not to regain consciousness.", she quoted. "Not unless he just..doesn't want to." To that Lexie smiled bitterly. "I have a boyfriend who unwaveringly refuses to wake up and live his life because.. Because it sucks SO incredibly much that we would rather sleep until the end of time." She came back to Meredith's question: "So.. I'm thinking not too good!"

"Lexie..", Meredith sighed but Lex didn't give her a chance to say whatever the hell Meredith thought could possibly cheer her up. "Have I ever told you about the time I learned I had a sister?", she asked although they both know she hadn't. Nevertheless Mer offered a No. Lexie rose from Alex' bed and lifted her hands up to paint Meredith a picture. "Our father, he.. He would work a lot when I was a child." When we were children, she added in her mind. "So I only saw him when he came home late right before my bedtime. During workdays anyway." She tucked a string of greasy blond hair behind her right ear. "Every day when I would here the door fall shut I would drop whatever I was doing and rush to the door quick as lightning to welcome him home and wait for him to lift me up and kiss me and tell me I was the prettiest girl in the world while I would try and fail to wrap my arms all the way around him. And he would. He would beam at me and hoist me up, press his lips onto mine and look at me so proudly my heart felt too big for my tiny body." To Mer this anecdote seemed to awkward to be shared right now but she patiently waited for Lexie's point as she wondered why her sister's eyes went darker with every word. Lex should be happy she got to have all this until she was a grown up, unlike herself who lost her father way too early. "So.. I'm 5 and I hear the door fall shut and I drop the lettuce I was peeling for Leonard." She briefly smiled. "Leonard was my turtle. I named him after my grandpa because he had the same wrinkly neck and button eyes and I found that fit so well at 5..which..which is when I got him.", she explained. "Anyway, uh.. I had been out with my mother that day buying a new dress and getting a little makeover because my dad's birthday was coming up and I begged her to so I would look pretty for the dinner on the weekend." She turned towards the window, wondering how it could be such a beautiful sunny day outside this hospital when inside of it so many lives had fallen apart. "Not a big deal you'd think, but we didn't have much money. Been pretty tight all always." Seattle. The always rainy Seattle, so bright and shiny. "I didn't rush to the door this time because I was wearing my new dress and shoes. Light blue, like.. our scrubs are. No bows or lace or any of that, just a cute little dress without sleeves, as I wanted it, to look older." The smile from before returned once more. "I knew we were not the richest people in the world and that I was lucky to have what I had so I was never the pushy whiny child at the supermarket that terrorized her parents until they bought her a bag of had candy. Guess that's why -the rare times that I did use my puppy eyes on her- my mother just couldn't refuse me anything. Like the caramel highlights that I demanded." Both their faces changed as where she was going became more obvious. "That evening.. When he laid eyes on me, trying to walk like a real lady and cloud how nervous I was about whether he'd like my new look or not, if he'd find me pretty, he looked at me..-" She lifted up her chin, her arms wrapped around her skinny body. To Mer's surprise her next words were: "And his eyes lit up. I swear, I never saw him so excited, and he grabbed me so suddenly I slipped out the pumps I highjacked from my mum's closet. Hi Daddy!, I shrieked and he breathed out in a jolt like patients do when they spit up blood or when you kick someone in the gut, and I guess, in a way, I kind of did." Her shoulders heaved and sank with her own deep breathing. "He breathed my name. Lexie.. It's you. And I felt so proud. Had I actually been looking SO maturely? But his smile cracked..and faded in a heartbeat. Thus making mine disappear as well." Lexie pressed the sides of her left index and middle finger to her sensual lips in a thinking manner. "I remember I felt my stomach twist up even though I had no idea what this expression in his face wasthat torpedoed his best attempts to reestablish his smile." She pursed her lips. "He pecked me on the cheek and told me to go feed Leonard, knowing, however, that I had not yet done it. My mum came to the door and when their gazes met, her smile vanished too. And when she watched me scuff upstairs with a stoop I could feel her become just as sad as dad and me." She shut her eyes. "That night..", she finally said. "Was the beginning of the end."

"I don't know what to say.", Meredith admitted heavy-heartedly. And Lexie knew just why. "You like it.", she discerned. "That he isn't the cold-hearted bastard you thought he was.. But.. also the fact that he hurt me too." Mer objected, yet, not very enthusiastically. "That's not true."

"Yes.. Yes it's true. And you know what? I don't even care. I am so tired.. of caring." Tired is indeed what she looked like the most with those huge dark circles beneath her eyes and their faint expression as though nothing was left behind them anymore. "You need to do me a favor.", Lexie demanded and a still stirred up inside Meredith could merely manage to briefly nod. "Izzy.", she sighed, the name of her boyfriend's ex-wife. "Find Izzy."

"What?"

"Find Izzy, I couldn't reach her. She's not in Tacoma. I couldn't find her. Track her down. Bring her here."

"Lexie, they split up. He told her he didn't want to..-" Lexie interrupted her sister by motioning her to stop talking although when Mer did she didn't say anything either, for quite a while.
"Iz? Izzy?", she said with a trembling voice. "Iz? I'm sorry. Don't go. We got married. Don't go."

"Lexie, what..-?"

"You came back for me, Iz. Don't ever leave me. Don't ever leave me again."
When Meredith started to realize Alex must have been saying this as he bled out, Lexie had already reached the door. "No!", Meredith shouted. "Don't! You're not Izzy.. You're nothing like her." She briefly paused. "YOU don't walk out on people that you love!" To that unexpected concession Lexie froze. "You won't walk out on him when he needs you the most. That is not what Lexie Grey is like.", Mer added looking at the door, against which Lexie leaned, desperate like never before in her life. "I can't take it, Meredith.", she explained. "He didn't recognize me, he thought I was Izzy." Like Thatcher, Mer thought. "When he wakes up and recognizes that it's not her..that it is just me, I..-. I can't stand this look again. There was just SO much disappointment in Dad's eyes. I can't ever be looked at like that again. It hurt so much the first time around" In that moment Meredith realized two things. First, Lexie was right. She had been kind of delighted to learn she wasn't the only one Thatcher wronged. Second, she was an idiot for feeling better after that. "He won't be disappointed..", she tried to promise but Lexie just smiled weakly with her eyes shut and her fist resting against the door, next to her face. "Yes he will be. Because he wants the girl that he loves. The one he misses everyday since the day she left his life." Mer's heart cringed as she wondered what man they were really talking about right now. "You're right.", Lexie sighed. "I am not someone who walks away when the going gets rough. But.. I am also not the one that he needs." I'm not the one anyone needs. "I'm not the answer to the question, or prayer or desire. So please, Meredith, please find Izzy so she can bring him back to us."
"I will..", Mer promised and reached for her sister's back but just like with Alex' chart, she thought twice in the last moment and took her hand back. Lexie cleared her path and Mer left the room feeling incredibly heavy.

Lexie looked at a still unconscious Alex and slipped out of her sneakers to crawl into bed next to him. "You're my answer.", she whispered and then stole a kiss from a man in a coma.

When Meredith finally found Jackson and April she waited a moment before approaching them. There was something about them that still felt so strange. Granted. It's been a year now so they all got to know and either hate or like each other, and in the light of the latest events all those childish rivalries and seeing your co-workers as arch enemies no longer made sense but, still, they seemed to be Mercy Westers as opposed to Seattle Gracers. And that had to come to an end, Meredith decided. So she reached out. "You two..", she spoke, "come live with me." April's eyes lit up as Avery wrinkled his forehead. "What?", he asked. "You're seeking a new place for the two of you, Christina told me. I'm saying, quit searching and come live with me." Jackson crossed his arms. "You don't have to do this just because Yang and I..-"

"Stop right there.", Meredith demanded. "This is not about Derek. Although you can be assured I will never stop being grateful for what you did."

"She's right, Jackson.", April said starting to look sad. "If it was about that she wouldn't ask me to move in to. You saved him, but I got him shot in the first place."

"April..!", the other two both interrupted. "Look, April, that's crap. Okay? You didn't get Derek shot. The one that did was the one who pulled the trigger. Gary Clark. He's the one that did all of those awful things to us, not you." After sorting that out Meredith came closer to April and looked at the shy, doe-eyed 3rd year resident. She intended to elaborate how she knows what Reed meant to April and that she herself got to keep Christina and how she was horrified Alex was going to follow their friend Charles. But instead she just reached out her hand to April and asked: "Remember..?". And, of course, April remembered. Like she did back then, she grabbed Mer's hand and this time even featured the cutest little smile that Jackson couldn't help but reflect. "Strikes me it's set then.", Meredith stated, pursing her lips into a tiny smile herself.

George, a proven great man in a storm, was part of those doctors who still worked full shifts. That is how it came that he was one of the first to spot the blond goddess that had once meant the whole world to him. When he saw Izzy his heart skipped a beat and he paled up in the blink of an eye. "Seriously?", Christina asked when she saw him leap behind the reception counter, smiling to herself for the smooth allusion. "Shush!", he ordered, praying that for once she'd obey. "Christina!", Izzy shouted when she spotted her friend. "How are you, are you okay? You look okay. Where's Alex' room?". George pressed his back against the counter as Izzy approached it. And for once Christina did actually surprise George as she crossed her arms and looked at her frowning as she asked: "Why do you care?", to which Izzy sighed. "Not now Christina. Just tell me where he's lying." And Chris did. After Izzy was out of sight she glanced down at George. "Pathetic.".

"Thanks.."

"Yeah whatever. Cannot miss the show. You coming?", she asked, sure a scandal was coming up in Alex' room any moment now. "What do you mean?", he asked but you could tell from his face that it dawned on him the moment the last word had left his mouth. "Oh oh.", he huffed and turned around helplessly. "We've gotta do something."

"And what would that be? Chain them to the sides of Alex' bed? This had to happen sometime. Now all we can do is grab some fries and enjoy the fight. Who do you think will win this? The Ex-Wife? Personally, my bet is on The Rebound. She has crazy eyes." George lay his head back sighing. "Let's go.", he said to make sure he wouldn't end up with another patient.

Izzy entered Alex room and her eyes fell on the girl that lay in his good arm blond as herself, stroking over his chest and rubbing her nose against her ex-husband's cheek. Lovely, she thought about saying but just how cold would that have seemed as her first word in reaction to seeing Alex lying there so weak. "How is he?", she ended up asking which had Lexie freeze up. Meredith could not possibly have found her so quickly, let alone brought her here. Izzy explained herself as though she knew what was going on behind Lexie's forehead. "I was out of the country. I saw the news only yesterday. Came here first thing."

As Lexie sat up and got out of bed, Izzy took her place, sitting down at Alex' bedside. "Everything will be okay, Alex. I'm here now.", she said and bent over to kiss his forehead the moment Christina and George arrived in front of the room. "He won't wake up.", Lex heard herself say, as her stomach twisted up inside of her body with the scorn she felt for the woman that had her hands all over her boyfriend. "You must have missed something.", Izzy accused her and made Christina's eyes widen in anticipation. Bitch, George thought who was still legitimately angry at his former best friend for her departure from his best friends' and his own life at the worst possible moment. "That is complete crap!", Lexie defended herself. "We tried everything. What he needs is time!"

Oh this is so good, Christina thought.

"What he needs is a good doctor to get him out of this misery!" To that Lex freaked out. "What he needed was a good WIFE that didn't put him into this misery in the first place!", she shouted. "But instead he got you and now he may never wake up again and his very last thought was how you walked out on him and left him to drown on dry land!" Her stomach was burning like fire. "So don't you dare come here now and pretend like we don't take the best care of him, because we do, and we don't need YOU to come here and tell us how to be good doctors OR good partners!" Just when she thought she'd made her point, because Izzy's jaw dropped right down to the floor. "He doesn't need you."

And as though to object, Alex eyes opened up in a jolt.