Just to get something straight...
This is more like epic rambling. Like, Epic rambling.
The Epic Star Trek Crack story. I wanted to do this because this story could be so much more... crack-filled You know what I mean? Well, anyway, here it goes~
Some hundred's of years into the future, we visit the USS Kelvin in space. Captained by some dude name Robau, or some such shit, and with George Kirk as the first officer! Wonderful isn't it? Well, until a OHMYGODEPICHUGE Romulan ship shows up in all it's tentacle-filled glory!
So the Romulan ships shows up and this bald Romulan with Tattoo's on his head (that's really gotta hurt) is all like "YOU WILL COME ABOARD OUR SHIP VIA SHUTTLE OR FEEL OUR WRATH BITCHES!" and shit, so Captain Robau is all like "Kirk, your the captain now!" and then goes heroically to the OHMYGODEPICHUGE ship. Of course, the Captain dies, because this is star trek, and if people didn't die, it would just be boring.
Anyway, so he dies, and Kirk is like "EVACUATE THE SHIP! GET TO YOUR SHUTTLES! MAN YOUR STATIONS! WHERES MY WIFE?" And all this other commanding shit, which he does for no reason because he just dies anyway.
SOME UNDETERMINED AMOUNT OF YEARS LATER-
Apparently little James Tiberius Kirk can drive, gets a ticket, has a bitchy step-dad and almost commits suicide while on Vulcan, far far away, little Spock beats the shit out of this other dude, and is like "they called you're wife a whore you emotionless bitch."
Those are some hard core kids.
Oh, and Spock's dad is all like "You can decide your own destiny!" and other illogical crap.
ANOTHER UNDETERMINED AMOUNT OF YEARS LATER-
So Spock's getting ready to go to the Vulcan science academy and his moms all like "Ooh, let me see you!" and hes like "no!" so she's like "SPOCK GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE." so he does and shes all like "You will always have a proud mother :)" and shit and hes like "yeah, okay, gotta go. Bye." and just goes to the academy like that and stuff...
Anyway, so he's at the Academy and this old dudes like "YOUR ACCEPTED! DESPITE YOUR DISADVANTAGE YOU STUPID LITTLE HYBRID! :D" And Spock's like "OH NO YOU DIDNT! I decline. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER...FEMALE DOGS!" because he's so cool he doesn't need to cuss, and just goes on his merry way with his dad like " :(" or as close to that expression as Vulcan's can get...
MEANWHILE
Jim's on earth, hitting on Uhura in a bar when he gets his ass handed to him. By a guy affectionately named 'cupcake.' And then Pike shows up and is like "CADETS GET YOUR ASSES OUTSIDE!" and Jim's like "You whistle really loud" So then Pike talks to Jim about joining Star fleet and Jim's like "PFFT, fuck that." and Pikes like "bitch, you will join." and leaves and Jim's like "..." and yeah...
SO Jim joins and he goes on the shuttle and there's this doctor dude named McCoy who suffers from Aviophobia (is it safe to have a surgeon on a space ship that doesn't like to fly?) and gets kicked out of the bathroom by this little flight attendant. And then they get to the academy and live happily ever after :D
THREE YEARS LATER- during which time Jim has taken that insane test from hell twice, Uhura hooked up with her professor, Enterprise construction continued, and the OHMYGODEPICHUGE Romulan ship continued to traverse through space.
ANYWAY, so Jim takes the insane test a third time and McCoy is all like "I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THEN HELP YOU!" And Jim's like "No you don't :D" And McCoy's like "damn you..." and then Jim's like "I gotta go study" which is apparently his code for "I gotta go fuck a green alien" and goes on his merry way, leaving McCoy there like 'WTF?'
SO Jim takes the test again and beats the shit out of it and Uhura's like "-.-" and McCoy's like "0.o" and the professors are like "WTF?" Except Spock who doesn't cuss so he's like "WTFT?" (That's What The French Toast for all you acronym misunderstanders out there) so then these Admirals are all like "THIS FUCKING MEETING HAS BEEN FUCKING CALLED TO CLEAR UP A FUCKING TROUBLING MATTER. JAMES T FUCKING KIRK, PLEASE COME THE FUCK DOWN HERE" because they were all thinking it.
So Jim's like "Oh, wonder what I did this time~" and goes down and the Admirals are like "You cheated blah blah blah Spock blah blah blah Kobyashi Maru Blah Blah Blah" and all this other shit until they get a distress call from Vulcan and they're all like "MAN YOUR FUCKING STATIONS BITCHES" and everyone goes to Hangar whatever and they don't call Jim's name so McCoy drags him along and Uhura's like ROAR because she got placed on the Farragut and Spock's like "AH!" and switches her and everyone's gets on their damn ships and McCoy's like "OMG POINTY EARED BASTARD ALERT!"
So then this lovely phaser fight happens with the OMGEPICHUGE Romulan ship captained by Nero and everyone's like "AAAH OH TEH NOES" and stuff And then Pike goes onto the Narada. Then more fighting happens and Spock's mom dies and all these Vulcans die and McCoy's like "AW, no more pointy eared bastards..." and shit. So then Spock's made captain with all his logical-ness and Jim's first officer until he gets thrown off the ship for being an ass. So then he ends up on Delta Vega which is basically an ice ball and gets chased by furry monsters who want to rape, er... eat him...
THEN he meets another version of Spock (TOS SPOCK! FAN GIRLS REJOICE~) And Spock's like "IM OLD AND LOTS OF PEOPLE DIED BECAUSE OF ME c'mere so I can show you with a mind meld bitch" and Jim's like "THE HELL KIND OF VULCAN ARE YOU?" And Spock's like "Bitch I'm Leonard Nemoy." so then they travel to the Star fleet base to find Scotty and Scotty's like "OHMYGOD DO THEY HAVE SANDWICHES IN THE FUTURE?" and Spock's like "Sure..." and Scotty's like "FUCK YES!" and then they warp onto the Enterprise using the moving space theory and Spock's like "HOW THE FRENCH TOAST ARE YOU BACK HERE?" And Jim's like "Hey dude, your the genius here, I'm just warping places." and Scotty's like "AH NEEDA TOWEL!" and shit.
So then Spock gets pissed off because Jim was being an ass again and Spock goes all carnivorous Jim-killing death machine on him and nearly kills Jim on the bridge and then his dads like "BOY I WILL BITCH SLAP YOU." So Spock's like "Yes father..." and let's Jim go, who flops around like a fish. So then Spock sulks off after telling McCoy he's unfit for duty and VIOLA, JIM IS CAPTAIN :D
So then Spock and Jim go onto the OHMYGODEPICHUGE Romulan ship to kick some Romulan ass, and Jim get's his ass handed to him yet again. However, they do manage to find Pike and this cool jellyfish pod thingy that knows who Spock is, so he's like "the freak?" and Jim's like "I DONT KNOW SHIT" and goes off to kill some more Romulans...
So then they kill more Romulans and go back aboard the Enterprise and Jim's like "We can help you! You know you want it~" and Spock's like "HECK NO, KILL KILL KILL!" So they die...
So, after all that we have a Cranky ass, aviophobic doctor, an adorable Russian teenager, a fucking epic Asian fencer, a controlling African chick, some random extras, a sexy captain, an equally sexy Vulcan, and some Kirk/Spock goin' on because YES, they are practically canon~
IN THE END-
"Uhura, I can no longer have a romantic relationship with you."
"What? Why? Tell me!"
"YOUR A CONTROLLING BITCH T.T"
Poor Spock...
:D
I revised this! I actually added an end this time~