Ashes

Humans are stupid, they never know what they treasure until that which they treasure is gone. And by the time, they finally realise how much they treasure it, it is already gone. And often there will not be a second chance. A chance to regain what has been lost.

Something once lost, can never return.

Once it is gone, it is gone... forever.

I set my sights on Joker and I lost sight of everything else. Like an ostrich, a stupid, foolish ostrich that stuck it's head in the sand and refused to pull it back out. To face the cruel world out there.

I always hoped, hoped that one day we would be free.

No longer following each and every one of Father's wishes.

True, I am and always will be grateful to Father. For reaching his hand out to us, on that cold, rainy day in the miserable, dark streets of London. He saved us, changed us. He gave us a new identity. No longer were we just a few of the millions of homeless children, lost in the vast, bustling city where we had been abandoned; we were the Noah's Ark, a circus of clumsy clowns, tightrope-walkers and soaring acrobats, of snake-charmers and fire-breathers, of beast-tamers and knife-throwers. He cured the disabilities which we were abandoned for, he gave us a chance, a hope.

He gave us a new life.

And yet... I hadn't wanted to continue doing what Father told us to.

I knew what it felt like to have your whole life ripped away from you because we were simply born different. Born wrong. And yet, we were doing the same to those innocent children; ripping away their bright futures just because Father told us to.

I had known that Joker would never have strayed from what Father told us to do. He was ridiculously loyal and kind. So kind that even though he did not feel the same way that I did for him, I simply could not hate him. Could not stop myself from loving him, despite my common sense's protests.

I suppose that I deserve this, this is what becomes of being so blind. He was always there, and yet I never noticed him. Or, at least, never really considered him important. I only ever had eyes for Joker. Loving Joker and even though he did not return my feelings, he was always kind about it.

Humans never realise what they treasure until it is gone. And I was one of those foolish humans who never realised.

Until now.

His blood flowed continuously from his countless wounds, staining my hands crimson.

And I watched, watched as his life slowly drained away.

As his heartbeats slowed.

As he gathered the last fragments of his shattered energy that was slowly disappearing along with his life.

As he slowly choked out ""I had .. wanted to ... take .. Big Sis ... over ... the hill ..."

And then his eyes closed and he was gone.

Dead.

Forever.

And... it was all my fault.

I'm sorry, Dagger.

If only I had paid more attention to you.

If only I hadn't been seduced by that demon.

If only I had been faster, moved quicker.

So many "if only"s and yet, what happened had already happened.

And nothing could change that.

I heard myself scream your name and I saw red.

And I lashed out, fought like I had never before. And yet... even that wasn't enough.

I saw the match light up, the tiny flame flickering, so small, so beautiful and so lethal.

I had spent so long, so long making a new life with all of you.

Joker, Dagger, Wendy, Peter, Jumbo, Doll and even Snake.

I'm sorry.

I've failed you all.

My last thought was of all of you, smiling, so bright and happy.

Goodbye.

And then my vision filled with flame and my world burned to ashes.

This is based on what happened in Kuroshitsuji: Book of Circus Episode 9.