Author's Note: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY! (And happy birthday to me! In a few hours...^^' heheh)
This is a product of my long lasting insanity that I must share with you all. It came to me one early morning when I was lying awake in bed (best time for me to get inspired) and I kept it at the back of my mind and started developing it here and there and then decided I just had to write it, so there you are!
My first shot at humor, so hope you smile or chuckle a bit along the way. If you don't, then I failed miserably or you have a messed up sense of humor...o.o...I'm opting for the former.
Anyways! Enjoy, well, try to. =)
~HG~
Snow fell upon the castle as the students bustled inside, filled with holiday cheer. It was Christmas and everyone had plans to go back home, well almost everyone. Trunks rolled along the floors or glided in the air above several heads. A couple of first years chatted excitedly to each other as they walked through the corridors about how eager they were to celebrate with their family after having been away from them for so long. Some were homesick the first week and were glad to be leaving to get away from the harassment. Slytherins always made it their source of entertainment to prey on poor first years, mercilessly ridicule them, and basically do anything that could make their lives miserable. Luckily for them, a certain bushy haired seventh year was Head Girl and kept the smarmy gits in line most of the time.
She currently resided in the living room of the head dorms, warm and cozy with one of her favorite books as the castle slowly emptied out. Suddenly the doors to the dorm flew open and in walked Harry and Ron, both grinning from ear to ear as they came to stand in front of her.
"Should I be worried?" the brunette asked passively with a hint of curiosity as she shut her mahogany covered book but used her index to mark the page where she'd left off. The suspicious pair fidgeted awkwardly and she had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. It was obvious they'd brought her gifts judging by their oh-so-perfect subtlety, but she would play dumb not to ruin their fun.
####
Meanwhile, in the forbidden forest…
The wind blew swiftly, rustling through the robes that hung over the hooded figures standing in a circle.
Rough masks shielded their faces and they clutched their wands in their hands, ready to shoot a deadly curse at any given moment.
####
"Come on, 'Mione, close your eyes," Ron urged her impatiently. She smiled and complied before jokingly winking one eye open.
"No cheating," Harry protested and she chuckled before properly shutting them again. She could feel hands waving in front of her face, the wind brushing across her skin as they made sure.
####
Another cloaked figure joined the huddled group and raised an arm, the black sleeve slowly sliding down the limb to reveal a pale and bony hand leading to long, emaciated fingers. The hand reached back and pulled back the hood of the cloak.
"Lucius," a dark and icy voice broke through the air.
Amidst the hooded figures, one raised its head before tearing off the mask and coming forth.
####
Hermione opened the first package and gasped when it revealed a rose and silver colored bracelet with a little pink heart dangling from the left side. Other trinkets adorned it and it sparkled, shiny in the room's dim lighting.
"Ron," she whispered in awe, "It's beautiful!"
The tall red head shifted his weight from one leg to the other, rubbing the back of his neck nervously all the while grinning sheepishly as he watched her try it on "So…you like it?"
"Of course! I love it!" Hermione exclaimed, jumping to her feet to wrap him in her arms for a bone-crushing hug.
####
"Will you do the honors?"
The elderly blond male stepped forward and parted his robes to reveal a knife strapped on to his belt. He took it out from its holster and unsheathed the blade, smirking as it gleamed dangerously.
With slow steps, reveling in the anticipation, he made his way across the snow covered soil till he stood above his helpless and immobile target before swiftly bringing the knife down.
####
The red and silver packaging paper rustled apart, a beautifully decorated plastic package coming into view.
"You seriously brought them?" the young witch squealed in a high pitched voice which had the two males wincing. She quickly tore off the rest of the packaging and gasped at the vast collection of her favorite chocolates delicately lined up.
"Well," the raven haired wizard started, trying to explain himself, slowly becoming anxious, "Last time in Honeydukes when we passed the pastry shops you said you wished they could wrap all your favorite flavors in one and so I thought th-mmphh!" Before he knew it he was wrapped in her vice-like embrace.
"Thank you so much, Harry!" she nearly shouted, her smile threatening to split her face in half. "C-can't…breathe," the emerald eyed wizard managed to grunt out.
"Oh!" Hermione realized and pulled back immediately, "Sorry," she blushed, staring that the ground for a while, a bit embarrassed at her outburst.
"Don't worry about it," Harry answered with a smile, "But it's not quite over yet." She cocked her head to the side in confusion as he cast a spell she didn't catch. She was taken by surprise and gave a yelp of shock when she felt something slightly heavy and cool around her neck.
"This is from both of us," Ron said. She looked down to find a golden locket hanging from her neck by its chain.
"Go on, open it!" Ron urged her excitedly.
####
The handle of the knife stood taut as the blade was still buried. The tall and ominous figure approached and roughly pulled it out before wickedly leering, baleful eyes watching the liquid slide down the edge of the knife.
"Now all that's left is our guest. Lucius, get a hold of him. We wouldn't want him to be late, now would we?" he spoke sinisterly.
"Of course not, my Lord," the other man replied, smirking before disappearing
####
The oval wings of the medallion opened to reveal an enchanted photograph of the trio sitting together on a couch in a place that was most likely the burrow. Hermione smiled as she remembered that part of the summer. Harry was on her left and Ron on her right, his goofy grin eating up his whole face, while Harry was more collected yet the happiness gleaming in their eyes was identical in every pair.
"You guys," the brunette whispered, her voice filled with emotion as she raised her head to look at them, "This is so sweet and thoughtful, come here," She finished, dragging both of them down for a snug group hug. After a few moments Ron broke them apart.
"I ordered something from the kitchens," He said, straightening up and heading for the door, "Back in a few!" he said before he was out of the room.
Quickly descending the steps something caught his eye as he stared out one of the windows. Curiosity getting the better of him, he headed out from the castle and into the snow covered outdoors.
Squinting hard, he fixed the border where the forest began before he saw a silhouette flash through the trees, disappearing within the blink of an eye as fast as it had appeared. Gulping audibly, he slowly backed away. It was probably an animal. Yeah, it had to be. Sure as hell not worth going in there for. He continued to reassure himself as he turned around ready to go walk back into the castle, his heart stopping when he came face to face with menacing eyes that gazed ominously at him.
"There you are."
It was all he remembered before everything went black.
Twenty minutes later Hermione looked anxiously at the clock, "Where is he?" she asked herself out loud, a feeling of unrest coming over her.
"You know Ron," Harry spoke, walking towards her from his spot by her mini library, "He probably got distracted, or saw food, or got distracted by food. He should be here any minute now," he said before plopping down on the couch next to her. The sky kept darkening until early evening was announced through the windows and the pair yawned, Harry flipping past yet another page of one of the brunette's books while she got up to pace around the room, every once in a while shooting nervous glances at the clock.
"Harry, something's not right," she said, her brow furrowed in worry. The tall emerald eyed wizard stood up, his expression akin to hers but not as evident.
"You're right," He explained, reaching into his back pocket to pull out an old, worn out looking piece of folded parchment. Getting out his wand, he tapped it to the center of the enchanted document, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Hermione leaned over his shoulder and they both watched as ink slowly appeared and spread on the parchment, bringing the map alive. The lithe teen opened it up and scanned it for their rowdy redheaded friend's name.
Undoubtedly the characters were spotted, somewhere in the forbidden forest gently floating right next to the pair of footprints which were surrounded by those of Peter Pettigrew, Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, and other death Eaters. A few steps away from those footprints were those of a man whose memory made panic and horror rise up in both teens.
Hermione gasped and paled visibly while Harry could feel his pulse quicken and his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. "It…it can't be," she whispered, clearly shaken. Harry's jaw tightened before he bolted towards the door and headed out of the room.
"Harry!" Hermione shouted, running after him and catching up. "You have to think this out, we can't just barge in the middle of it without a plan!" she spoke quickly, trying to keep up with his strides.
"Think?" Harry spoke incredulous, not once halting his step as they descended the castle's unbelievably long series of stairs. "You want me to think while Ron's out there with them? Merlin knows what they're doing to him. His life first, planning comes second," he finished firmly before breaking into a run as they stepped into the snow outside. Hermione followed suit, her heart still hammering in her chest.
The three of them were pretty much the only students staying back for Christmas. The first thing she'd thought about was alerting McGonagall, but it was obvious Harry wouldn't wait for that, and she wasn't sure if she could either. God, she just wished with all of her heart that Ron was still standing. Nudging the thought away as panic rose higher in her chest, she speeded up to catch up to Harry as they ran through the woods.
Her blue sweatshirt caught onto the stiff and pointy branches countless times, ripping off bits of the material each time and she couldn't remember the number of times her foot had gotten caught in a small ditch. Harry didn't look any better. After a few more minutes of running, she stopped and bended over, hands on her knees, trying to regain her breath. He immediately stopped and turned around. "What are you doing?" he asked, his breathing lightly labored.
"…I…I can't…tired...breathe…" she managed in between heavy pants. Hurrying over to her, he held her up by the arms, "Come on, we can't afford to stop now, 'Mione." They both froze when a deafening yell of agony was heard, painfully echoing in the air.
"Ron!" they both spoke at the same time.
Her exhaustion forgotten, Hermione pulled herself up and they both resumed running deeper and deeper through the rough and risky paths of the infamous forest,hoping they got there on time.
The yells and shouts only got louder and louder as they got closer and closer to the sound. Finally getting through the last of the trees, their hearts stopped at the horribly implausible sight before them…
####
"But I don't want to be it!"
"Neither do we, like, hello?"
"But I already had my turn and you guys played dirty!"
"Fine, let's rock, paper, scissors!"
Harry and Hermione's mouths hung open, jaws moments away from dropping and falling right through the snow covered grounf below their feet. They watched the exchange go on for a while before their presence was finally noticed, heads turning in their direction.
"Oh my gosh, Voldie, they're like, here!" The grown blond man exclaimed excitedly scurrying off in an unknown direction, breaking up the huddled circle. Amongst two other men that the pair definitely recocnized as their dark and dreary Potions teacher and the Animagus traitor that fooled them most of their third year, was their tall red headed friend, viciously feasting on the huge slice of chocolate cake, mouth full and crumbs settled at the corner of his lips. Not far behind them was a table that seemed to stretch forever, atop which sat the chocolate cake and an icing-covered knife right next to it along with an endless supply of dessert, candies, and other food.
Hermione swayed to the side, about to crumple to the ground from the shock before Harry managed to snap out of his numbing daze to catch her in time. Before they could scrape their eyeballs off the ground, they heard an excited squeal and saw a tall cloaked figure running towards them at full speed.
A mask of horror and panic covered both their faces as a very joyful and beaming Voldemort finally stopped before them. They both retreated, stepping back as fast as they could and trying not to scream.
"Oh my gosh, I can't believe it, you guys actually came!" the pale, intimidating man gushed jumping up and down in his spot, "Hey, where are you going?" he spoke, surprised as they kept on retreating as he came closer before stopping.
"Oh, I get it! No, it's fine, really. You guys don't have to worry about me going all Avada Kedavra on you today, I mean it's Christmas, right? Plus, I don't really like the green light, it's so ugh!" he continued, scrunching up his nose in distaste, "I tried to get it changed to magenta this one time but the guy just couldn't do it," he spoke disappointedly.
The pair could but open and close their mouths multiple times at loss of words to express their thoughts about the scene playing out before them. Their eyes had long lost the ability to return from immensely widened to their original state.
"B-but…you, w-what? My…kill me…evil…" Harry stuttered out clumsily, his body refusing to respond to him in his state of astonishment.
"Come on, I knew you were going to bring that up," Voldemort pouted, crossing his arms, "It's not like I wanted to be all evil and stuff! I was just…bored! But see? Get all mean, make things a little dark and murky plus kill a couple thousand people and things get a whole lot interesting! So! Do you want anything to drink? Lucy should be back soon."
Harry and Hermione slowly turned their heads to look at each other eyes widened incredulously. This was a dream. It had to be a dream. The brunette pinched herself as hard as she could and closed her eyes only to be horrified when she reopened them to a confused looking Lucius who had apparently come back while they were still in shock.
"Are you, like, doing that 'pinch me' thing?" the white blond man said, cocking a hip and a puzzled look on his face, "I don't know why you would be doing it though, I mean this isn't, like, a dream or something. I can never do it to myself though when I have those scary nightmares. That's why I always sleep next to Voldie! He wakes me up and makes me hot coco and it all goes away!" he finished gleefully.
"Luuccyyyy!" Voldemort whined, "I told you not to call me that in front of the guests!" he finished, crossing his arms and pouting. Harry had to summon all his self control to stop lunch from coming out to say hi.
"Then how come you can call me Lucy?" the other man shot back, disgruntled.
The exchange went on for a while, the two teens flicking their eyes back and forth as if watching a tennis match. Grabbing the opportunity, Hermione scooted closer to Harry, "Let's get to Ron and get out of here as fast as we can," she whispered, panicked, "I don't know what spell they're on but we don't want to be there when it wears off." He nodded and they stealthily made their way to Ron who was still stuffing his face.
She pulled on his arm and he turned to look at them, surprised, "Let's go, Ron, are you okay?" she asked checking him for any hidden wounds and scanning his face for any signs of being victim of the Imperius curse but there were none. The red frowned deeply and violently shook his head.
"No, I don't want to leave!" he complained, "Look at all the stuff they have here!" he motioned to the table next to them, "No way, you guys can go, I'll be back later," he finished, earning himself a big whack at the back of his head from a very enraged Hermione. Resigning himself he followed, face downcast before the trio was stopped by yet another face.
"Gaahh!" they yelled as they laid eyes on their Potions teacher. The man sighed dejectedly before frowning, "I know it's bad, you don't have to make a scene! I strictly told her to give me a fringe, but nooo," he rolled his eyes to their bewilderment, "She had to give me bangs. Bloody bangs, for crying out loud!" he whined briefly wiping a hand across his forehead at said bangs, "Never again am I going to that Salon. They even did a terrible job with Petey's nails, show them!"
The short and chubby Death Eater came before them and thrust his hands out to reveal rosy pink nails with lilac butterflies fluttering at the corner of each. Each nail was covered with glinting sparkles. "I told them round edges too!"
Before the pair could try to make a run for it with a very reluctant Ron, Harry was dragged away by a skipping Voldemort, "Come along now, Mr. Potter! We need to talk."
Hermione gaped in horror as she was left alone with the two men, Lucius coming over just in time. He tutted disapprovingly while running a hand through her bushy brown mane, "Girl, this is unacceptable. You need to get some Sleekeasy into this mess." She whirled around at the speed of light, "Don't touch me!" she shouted, backing angrily.
The blond man backed away, putting a hand on his chest and gaping in an offended manner before pouting and turning towards Snape, "She yelled at me, Snapey-poo!" he whined as he grimaced and buried his face into the other man's shoulder.
"There, there…there, there," the raven haired man said in a dead pan voice and matching facial expression as he soothed the crying blond whose shoulders shook with his sobs, "Ms. Granger, I should have you know that Lucy is very sensitive. He is currently working on opening his own teletubby themed hair salon, so please don't discourage him."
Said man raised his head to shoot the brunette a nasty glare, "And you're not invited to the thingy when I cut the ribbon thing with the scissors!" he spat stubbornly, earning himself a skeptical look from Hermione.
"That's the opening, Lucy," Snape sighed.
A few meters away sat a very deranged Harry, trying not to jump out of his pink Tinkerbell chair and run away screaming through the woods while his sworn enemy sat across from him pouring him tea.
"So, Harry," the man continued, "I think it's about time we have this talk…it's about your parents." The black haired wizard's jaw tightened and his blood began to boil. He could feel his hand itching to draw his wand. He could end it, here and now. "I can explain. Okay, so I was just coming over for a game of Twister and Lily was making tea in the kitchen. James was a bit of a klutz, the poor boy, and so I beat him four times in a row because, Harry, I am quite flexible," he said, eyeing the young wizard in a way that made bile rise up in his throat.
"So anyways I'm beating him for the fourth time in a row, so he wants to make it harder and make two colors the color of a curse you had to avoid. So I'm thinking you can guess what happened when it was time to 'right foot, green'. Your mother died of laughter when I told her what happened. See, it's easier to say I killed them rather than you finding out how bad your dad was at Twister and how nice your mother was, right?"
A loud vibrating sound was heard accompanied with a ringtone, "So if you want to, uh huh, uh, uh, you got the green light, uh huh, uh, uh, Hello? Yes, this is him. Oh, really? Oh m ygosh, please come!" Voldemort got up leaving a gawking Harry sitting there as he processed the information that had just been given to him and listening to the bits and pieces of unbelievable dialogue going on around him.
"Aww, come on, Snapey-Poo! Leopard print boxers aren't embarrassing!"
"Lucy, don't go there."
"Hey, do you guys have more cake?"
"All you care about is food! What about my feelings? I was your rat!"
"Uhmmm…I'm sorry? So, do you have more cake?"
"Forget it! Our friendship is over!"
"No, Lucy, chickens don't fly."
"Yes, they do!"
"No, they don't."
"Then how come they have wings?"
"…"
"See!"
"I hate this place…no one cares about me."
"Oh, it's okay Petey! I'm going to Japan next summer to explore Africa, you can come with me!"
"Lucy, I told you to stop wasting that much money on shoes."
"But whyyyy? I always buy ten, that way I have a pair for every day of the week!"
"Everyone, we have a special guest!" Voldemort exclaimed excitedly breaking through the chatter and making all heads turn in his direction.
And just when the brunette and the raven haired wizard thought things couldn't get any more horribly absurd than this, they were proven wrong. With a barely audible pop an elderly and worn looking wizard with long white hair and a frizzy white beard appeared with a Christmas hat and two jaws hung wide opened while eyes threatened to pop out of heads.
"Sorry I'm late but life's so easy when everyone thinks you're dead, and I just leveled up to twenty four on Skyrim! So, where's the food?"
There was a long silence before a loud thump was heard signaling that two teens had finally reached their limit and could no longer take any more shock.
Author's Note: *twiddles her thumbs nervously* heheh..hheh...sooooo? ^^' I hope you liked it! If you didn't, then I'm sorry T_T...anyways! I really had loads of fun writing this!
Merry Christmas to you all!
*Hugs and kisses*
~HG~