"Innamoramento - Part 1"
By Tim Shaw () and Geneviève Thibeault ()
I closed the door behind me. And I took a deep breath. I can't believe I just did that! How could I embarrass him like this? How am I ever going to face him again? What have I done? I really got to take control of myself. When he is there, where I am in the same room as he is, when I see him I don't know how to react. I know the only good way to deal with a situation like this one is to be rational, but somehow it's not working. It's always easy to rationalize when he is not there, but when I face him I can't act nor think rationally. I'm feeling something when he's there.
Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. After all, it only happened two times...in the last month. There was that moment on the balcony, and God knows I regret that one! I have no idea what happened, I can't explain why I couldn't tell him that there would never be anything between us. Or why when I turned around and I saw him my heart went crazy. When I think about it, I can't help but realize that the only reason I was so relieved after it was over was because I wasn't sure of my own reactions. That's the first time it ever happened to me. I always was in complete control of myself, but right there and then I can't say what my answer would have been. I can't say either why I was so depressed when I saw Mel. Or why at that point I wished the gift he was giving Mel was for me. But it could have been something temporary, something that only happened once and would never happen again.
Until this afternoon. When it happened again. And now I really don't know how to deal with it.
It all started so innocently. Him, me, cooking. I don't know what it is about this bloody kitchen but every time we're in there together something happens. I never thought he could cook, but he was quite good at it. For one of the rare times since I moved in this house I wasn't the one cooking. It felt kind of strange to be the assistant, but I really enjoyed it. And we were making a good team.
We. So strange how a little word can change a perspective. I think the only other time I thought of him and me by saying 'we' was the Snowball. That night when he said he loved me and when I called him an actor. I feel so bad when I think about it. Now I understand his reaction.
I don't know why Niles and I have such great chemistry when we do something together. I mean, I never thought chopping vegetables could lead to singing...but it became a memorable duet. And at that time I slapped him on the arm, just for fun. Just like I hit him on the head this afternoon with the oven mitt. So innocently. And then he burned his hand. On which I put some aloe.
But something happened when I touched his hand. Something scary and exciting at the same time. The touch of my fingers on the palm of his hand. The beauty, the delicacy, the softness of his hand. And it went from caring to something else. It was sensual. And inviting. And I was drifting. I was imagining his hands, soft and tender, caressing my cheek, my neck, my shoulders, my arms, my back, my... well, my entire body. At that point I knew I couldn't look at him. Because if I was I was going to bring him close to me, I was going to run my hand through his hair, and I would kiss him like he has never been kissed before. I knew it. And all I wanted to do was kiss the palm of this beautiful hand, kiss his pain away. Not only this pain but all the pain I caused him for the last 7 years. I was going to do it. I took all my courage and...
"What's up?"
I jumped. It was Martin. And I panicked. I started babbling things that I can't even remember, defending myself for something that I really enjoyed (but maybe it was why I was defending myself in the first place...), and the next thing I knew I was looking at the timer, saying that I was late for God knows what. And I ran away.
And here I am, in my room, my heart going crazy, more confused as I have ever been. Hoping that he would forgive me for that. Because I have no idea what I would do without his friendship. And because I knew I had no right to play with his feelings. And play with my feelings as well.
* * * * * * *
"Is this love, baby, or is it just...confusion?"
-Jimi Hendrix
What the hell just happened??
Was that really Daphne, or a devil sent to torment me, assuming the most pleasing of shapes?
She had NEVER done anything like that before.
We were in the kitchen. I was cooking dinner for Mel, and had taken up Daphne's offer of assistance. An otherwise perfectly normal, innocuous situation, right?
Well, clumsy fellow that I am, I burned my hand. Oh, sure, you're thinking, "so I burned my hand, big deal, right?"
Naturally, Daphne offered to put some lotion on it. A perfectly sane and rational thing to do, given the circumstances. Your car breaks down, you fix it. You burn your hand, you put lotion on it, then you move on with your life. Simple, really.
But it wasn't that simple. She took my hand and started, of course, rubbing lotion on it. But suddenly, her touch turned into something more. Something else. Something very much more...
A caress.
A caress of incredible tenderness. Of...affection? A sensation which sent chills up and down my spine, made me feel lightheaded, made all the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, a familiar sensation. The sensation I experienced whenever Daphne touched me.
The sensation I experienced only when SHE touched me. It was unmistakable, and unforgettable.
And I stood there, waiting, as if I were expecting something to happen.
And then Dad came in, and asked, naturally, what was going on.
And then Daphne started saying the strangest things. She was clearly trying to hide something, to justify her actions-to herself. But why?
It was like that evening not long ago where we were out on the balcony together.
She looked at me.
I mean, she LOOKED at me. It was familiar because...
It was the way I looked at her.
I saw something in her eyes, which may have been anticipation or...desire? At the time, I wanted to believe, more than anything, that it was.
But times change. Since that fateful evening, I had made a decision: I had to move on with my life. I have Mel. Mel, the platonic friend more than passionate lover, but the Mel I knew. Mel I could rely upon.
The Daphne that was in the kitchen and on the balcony that night was a Daphne I had never seen before. And it scared me.
I had been the one to ask Mel on our first date. I had made my bed, and now I would lie in it, even if I would never share it with Daphne.
It was the only way to save myself from the horrible reality that Daphne would soon be married, gone forever.
I can't say I have feelings for Mel like I do for Daphne. But then again, I have never had feelings for ANYONE like I do for Daphne, and never will again. My love for Daphne was a passionate, consuming flame, radiating light and heat more intense than a thousand of the brightest suns. But staring at the light was blinding, and standing to close to the heat was burning me alive. The flames within my soul had been burning for 7 years and were now threatening to become the hellfire which consumed me.
And Mel would, I had no choice but to hope, be the water that would quench the flames.
I don't love Mel like I love Daphne. With Mel it is not fiery and passionate, but comfortable and familiar. Something I was used to, like Maris but without the evil.
Daphne was now nothing but a stolen dream from another time. The fates had denied her to me, despite all my chances. So, in time, I perhaps will come to love Mel, to be content with spending my life with her. Not happy, but at least content.
So I pushed my feelings for Daphne as far from my mind as I could. I stopped feeding the fire. It would never be truly extinguished, but the raging inferno could be reduced to the flame of a candle. It took all my strength to crawl my way out of the flames that were consuming me alive, and I will not jump back in, no matter what the chill outside.
I can't.
A life with Daphne was just a dream. I realize that now. But oh, what a beautiful dream!!
But still a dream, nonetheless.
End of Part 1