Okay so I found a few parodies on here that was funny as hell, bear with me I'm new at writing them myself and I don't know that I could do a rewrite but I'll try my best to make it funny just go easy on me!

1998

Somewhere In a Random Umbrella Lab...

Birkin came through the doors and Albert turned to face him spinning his chair around, slowly, ominously. "Did you bring what I asked for?" He asked observing William through his sunglasses. "I did. Are you sure about this?" He asked, with a hint of anxiety in his voice. "We're talking about hundreds, possibly thousands of lives at risk here if we allow this to happen."

Albert calmly remarked, "This city needs a disaster to bring it to ashes. Only the worthy will survive. The S.T.A.R.S. members have been suspended by Chief Irons. It is far easier to accomplish goals when your former team mates believe that you are dead. For now, we wait. We wait for nature to take its course. There should be some of the B.O.W's that have survived the mansion. They will make their way down the Arklay Mountains into Raccoon soon enough. Everybody is doing their part and you and I, Mr. Birkin, needn't do a thing. We merely watch and enjoy."

William looked at his friend and said, "Are you sure? You want to do this?" Wesker firmly said, "I will not repeat myself." He stood up out of his chair and William said, "As you wish." The two began kissing and William brushed some papers of of his desk. Wesker's erection bulged through his tight leather pants and he smiled evilly. "I have a dangerous weapon indeed! You shall be the first to witness its glory." He ripped his pants off with super human power to reveal a leopard speedo. "Holy shit! Wow, that's big! My stupid wife doesn't even have a dick. Jackpot!" William beamed and they embraced again, William also fully erect and Wesker smiled. "Impressive! Most impressive. But you are not a God yet." As their penis's touched. Birkin smiled this time, "Star Wars reference! Love it!"

Wesker threw him against the desk wit h super human speed ad Birkin cried out, "Ahhh! My balls! My throbbing fuck stick! Geez!" Wesker super sped over to him and pulled his pants down and in a speedy blur had his black gloved hand inside a jar of Vaseline, a sadistic smile on his face. "I'll show YOU the force!" Just then, William's cellular phone rang. Wesker pouted as William picked it up and screamed in a high pitched girly voice, "Why is she always interrupting us like this? This is my time with you! MINE!"

William rolled his eyes and said, "Science damn it! This will only take a moment Albert. I hate this bitch." He picked up the phone. "What's up, lil mama? Yes, everything is going just fine with the research and I can't wait until tonight!" As he talked with his wife, his voice dropped to a lower tone sounding strangely like Barry White. "Bad girl! Well just drop by my office after work. Oh yeah, you know that lacy bra I like? The one with the tassels? I'll be wearing that when you get here!"

He got off the phone and rolled his eyes. He walked over to the closet and tossed his phone down in frustration. "That bitch! I hate her! She's never supported me in my research of the virus and she doesn't appreciate any of my hard work. Why, I doubt she would even miss me if I were gone! She cares nothing for my legacy! Now go away! I'll be in here if you need me." He said as he went fully inside the closet. Wesker said, "Come now, William, come on out of there! You don't need her! We still have each other and I support you."

William was in tears. He started t set his foot outside of the closet door but said, "Oh, I can't! I just can't at this point! I'm scared! What about you? Have you told your co workers about us? I hardly doubt it!" Wesker stepped halfway into the closet and halfway out of it saying, "William, broham! You must understand its hard for people like them to understand the type of relationship we have! They would never let me hear the end of it!" William stepped halfway inside and halfway outside just as Albert did. "Well, maybe I have the solution. You two could share me." Wesker's eyebrows raised in curiosity. "You mean a threesome?" William nodded. "Yeah! Me you and Annette!"

Just then, the sound of air deflating from a balloon filled the room. "What in the dickens was that?" Wesker covered his crotch saying, "Nothing! Nothing at all..." The two waited and went back at it for another ten minutes.

Just then a group of Umbrella mercenaries burst through the door. "So you've finally come..." William said and Hunk as well as his team member looked at each other with confusion. "What did you say? Were you talking to us?" William sheepishly said, "Uh...right yeah...you..."

Hunk informed him, "Doctor, we're here to collect the virus sample." William narrowed his eyes, "What are you talking about? You could get that virus from anywhere in the Castro district in San Francisco or Boys Town in Chicago. Why do you need mine?" Hunk looked at the other USS member and asked, "Are you sure we're talking about the same virus?"

William continued, "Of course we are! I'm not the first to make it. Sure they say we got it from a rhesus monkey but I think you and I both know Uncle Sam spread the virus in Africa to wipe out the Blacks and in America to wipe out the gays. A fine example of our tax dollars at work." Hunk scratched his head, "Uh actually we meant the G virus."

William, pistol in hand, said, "Me too! The gay virus...oh you mean the newer one! Well doesn't this beat all! Well I appreciate you two coming here to visit but I'm not about to hand over my life's work. I don't know what Wesker would do with this virus but me personally, I just thought it'd be funny to release this at Disneyland and then my fucking brat of a daughter can stop begging me to go there on a trip!" As he backed up he knocked over a metal container behind him and the other man fired a burst of rounds into the man's chest. William fell clutching his bloody chest.

Annette burst into the room, "William! Oh my. Hold on darling I'm taking care of that bullet wound first." She left and William sighed. "Jesus and I thought getting shot was the bad part."

Albert Wesker stared down at the wounded man and said, "This was nothing personal, William. Just business." William looked at him and said, "You mean...all those nights, that night in Paris...it was all a lie...?"

Wesker calmly said, "Look, I had some doubts about my own sexuality and I just wanted to try with you and see if I was and...as it turned out I wasn't! I mean, I'm meant to be a God, not a Roman Emperor! Oh but keep this between us buddy, I don't want our fraternity brothers from college thinking I'm crazy or queer or something!"

William sighed as he left and said, "Great...my true lover is still in the closet and my wife is irritating. If I have to see that bitch again I'm gonna need something to help me through it." He injected the syringe into his chest and as his eyes turned red he said, "What...? This isn't the heroin I bought from that Cambodian dude...GOD DAMN IT!"

That's pretty much the first chapter of this random shit this is my first crack at a humor fic so please go easy on me, no flames please! Hope you enjoyed the subtle humor too. R&R!