Sad Song
A One-shot Song-fic
Part 1 of my Suicidal Sigrid Series
By : RotLM
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own ideas. I do not make money from this. Though I wish it was both.
Inspired by Sad Song by We Three Kings. So go ahead and listen to that while to read this.
See end of chapter for Authors Notes.
WARNING : This fanfic contains mentions and detailed descriptions of suicidal-thoughts, cutting, self-harm, suicide and character death.
Summary : After her mother died Sigrid began to fall into deep depression. Over the years she fought it with the help of her best friend Fili but now after a horrible accident Fili has died and Sigrid is now back to where she was when her mother died. Ready to end it all. Song-fic. WARNING : This fanfic contains mentions and detailed descriptions of suicidal-thoughts, cutting, self-harm, suicide, and character death.
0~#~o~#~0
When her mother had been alive it had been nearly impossible to remove her from her mothers side. She had wanted to be just like her. Brave, beautiful, invincible, loving, the best mother in the world for any little girl to have. Her father had jokingly said that she was her mothers little shadow, trouble times two. And she loved it, the thought of being just like her when she grew up. But it couldn't last forever because the day she turned thirteen her Mother died leaving her all alone. She grew depressed and wanted it all to end.
#~o~#
But then she met Fili. He had just lost his father and they got on like fire on gasoline. Their friendship grew and she didn't feel so alone anymore. She had a best friend to help her through the rough times and as they grew a lover and boyfriend to make her feel as if she was on cloud nine all through the good times. If she could describe how he made her feel in one word she would say that he made her feel like a firework, bright and beautiful despite her scars. He made her heart explode.
#~o~#
He made her feel so alive and happy that she almost forgot all the pain she felt before she met him that day in therapy. He made her birthdays seem like birthdays again not like her Mother's funeral repeating every year on the same day that was suppose to be happy and full of joy. He made her smile and laugh at the dumbest things until her cheeks hurt from smiling to much and her stomach clenched painfully from doubling over in laughter. All her bad memories were banished because he replaced them with better ones of them together.
#~o~#
The parts of her heart and soul that had been torn away from her when her Mother died were healed and slowly grew back under his bright smile and sparkling blue eyes that looked at her like she was the very stars in the night sky and the sun that gave light to the day. He looked at her the way her Dad use to look at her Mother when she was alive. And every time he did she felt as if her Mother was beside, behind her, her smiling because that was what she wanted for her Little Shadow.
#~o~#
The night of their seventh anniversary of being together as a couple and eighth as friends Fili had taken her out on a date to the park outside the building where they had first met. He dropped down onto one knee and gave one of his stuttering long winded speeches about how she was his everything. She'd been so caught up in the moment, admiring his endearing shyness that she nearly missed him asking her if she would marry him. Her heart caught in her chest then and she wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever.
#~o~#
She had said "Yes" of course. How could she not? He was the love of her life, no he was her life. He was the reason she was alive, the reason she held onto life after her mother died. And they had decided to get married the following Spring a week before her birthday so that she would have yet another happy memory to make up for that one past bad one. It had seemed like a dream and she felt as if her head had been in the clouds the entire time. It was their own happily ever after.
#~o~#
They were married for a year, a whole blissful on top of cloud nine year and she had never been happier. It was as if nothing could go wrong anymore not when she had everything she ever wanted for herself. But then like clockwork it happened again, the person she loved most in the world died on her birthday. He had planned a whole romantic dinner for her at a fancy restaurant. But he was running late and soon she was informed that he had been killed in a mugging on his way to meet her. She became broken again.
#~o~#
He had been the other half of her heart. Even when it had been broken the first time by losing her Mother he had taken half of his heart apart and put it into the missing hole in her chest, making himself at home in her heart until she couldn't tell where she began and he ended. They were one in the same, two parts of one whole, but now that he was gone her heart was missing half of itself again. Except this time it was two times as worse because he had been what held them together.
#~o~#
He had always held her hand when she was sad and when she was happy. He held her hand tightly when she told him she was pregnant and then he held it even tighter when the doctors informed them she she had miscarried. He was her strength, her safe hold, her bomb shelter when her world went to hell. When she had hit the breaking point again and again it had been the feel of his hand holding hers that drew her back into the light, into his golden as the sun light. But now his hand is gone forever.
#~o~#
Now without him she felt torn in hundreds of directions. She want to rail and rant and rage at the world, she want to yell and scream her anger and grief to the skies so that even the God's could hear her and know what they did to her. And at the same time she wanted to shut herself away in her room so she could lay on their bed dressed only in his clothes as she clutched his picture and all the love notes he had ever written to her to her chest so she could feel him.
#~o~#
Every second of everyday she felt as if she was a piece of fabric being helplessly buffeted and thrown through the open sky. Like a ship's bone white sail in a storms restless deadly wind. She felt helpless as she fell back into her old habits of adding the only color she could to her life with one cut into her skin after another. Red had been his favorite color and seeing every drop and trickling stream of blood bubbling to the surface of her skin made her feel grounded in a way. As if the storm was tempered.
#~o~#
She found herself listening to sad songs again. They described her, what she felt like and what she was going through. She no longer hear her Father or Bain or Tilda when they tried to get her to talk about what she was going through. For that matter she didn't talk to Fili's brother Kili or his mother Dis or Uncle Thorin either. She didn't talk to anybody. How could she? They weren't him, they weren't the one person she needed to talk to, the one person she loved and that loved her a well.
#~o~#
After a time she no longer listened to those songs either. She found herself on their bed again, closed off to the rest of the world staring up at the ceiling listlessly as her mind repeated Fili's voice telling her that she loved her over and over again. Fili had always been a horrible singer. He couldn't keep a note if his life depended on it but she had found that endearing. She use to love to lay her head in his lap while he whisper sung her to sleep. It's what first made her love him.
#~o~#
He had taken her sky diving once. He told her he wanted her know know what he felt like every time he looked at her. She thought that it would be terrifying, after all if humans were meant to fly they would have been born with wings. And it had been terrifying, and exhilarating, and wonderfully amazing and heart stopping just like love. The free falling sensation all the while not knowing if you would land safely or not. It was more than just butterfly's. But now she felt none of that. She didn't land safely. She just fell.
#~o~#
Fili had taken all of the dark things in her past and stored them away in a place that map could ever help anyone find them again. Like an old wall paper he helped her paint over them with new memories. But now the paint they used to paint over them has faded and chipped off without him here next to her and now everything that he had hidden away was back and she was drowning in them, she couldn't breath or see an end to them all. She was going blind with all the darkness clouding her vision.
#~o~#
He had made her feel beautiful even though he had seen all the scars cutting herself had left on her body. He hadn't minded that she was a mess and hopeless at staying organized or that she couldn't cook even if their lives depended on it. He had made it seem as if all her problems hadn't been problems at all, but rather as if they were merely beauty spots that only made her more appealing to him. She had never been able to see herself the way he seemed to see her. He had been beautiful.
#~o~#
He had saved her life more times than he knew. There had been many times when it hand been the feel of his hand holding hers tightly that stopped her from falling over the edge and back into the deep depression. His presence had stopped her from ending her life several times. His steady hands had calmed her nerves and had slowly removed the razor blades from her hands, and his lips had been whisper soft as they kissed her shaking hands while she cried. It had been his hand holding hers that made her love him all the more.
#~o~#
Ever night whether they were laying in bed staring into each others eyes or sitting on the hood of his car looking up at the stars time seemed to stop and the world around them seemed to disappear until there was only the two of them surround in their love for each other. Even when they fought at two in the morning their tempers as black as the dark sky above them she had felt his love for her and she hadn't wanted to change those nights for anything. But now there won't be anymore time stopping nights.
#~o~#
She had always been afraid that if she even closed her eyes for a second to blink he would disappear like her mother had. And she had been right in the end. She had allowed herself to be lulled into the safety blanket feeling life together with him had provided and seemingly in all of one blink of her eyes he was gone from this world as well. Even now feeling dead to the world she can't bare to close her eyes because she fears seeing him behind her lids and then waking up to find him gone again.
#~o~#
She was broken inside without him there with her. Most days she couldn't bring herself to climb out of the bed that use to be theirs, she stopped eating she doesn't know how many days ago, she hasn't even gotten out of bed to put on clean sheets when the scarlet stain of the blood she continues to slowly bleed out of her body becomes more than a few sparse drops. She knows that he wouldn't want he to cut herself again but she can't stop, shes broken without him, shattered into millions of pieces.
#~o~#
He had made her whole with his kind loving words, deep laughter, and bright as the sun smiles. The feel of his deft fingers braiding her hair every night before they went to sleep had felt like he was once again helping her stitch herself back together to make the seal that held together her broken pieces stronger. And when he wrapped his strong arms around her in a hug and squeezed her tightly to his chest he was physically giving her a reason to hold herself together. He helped her not be as broken and to hide the cracks.
#~o~#
Now the hands that hand held hers on all those dates and days that he just made sure to make her feel special and strong again were gone. The hands that hand slowly run over her naked body in the slower after a night of loving each other that made her feel so beautiful even when she knew she was not were gone. They were buried six feet under the ground she was still walking on and it just wasn't fair that he had left her here, living on without him. They will never get to hold hands again.
#~o~#
She felt tattered and torn, she felt as if she was barely holding herself together, she felt as if she were taring at the seams, a quilt so badly sewn together that after just one wash the stitches had begun to come unraveled. She had never been gifted with a needle and thread like Fili or her Mother had been. No she was better with knives and scissors and razor blades not the tools to put things back together but to tare and cut things apart. And without either of them, her world was falling apart, and her with it.
#~o~#
Her whole world was being blown around in the wind, the breeze so strong it was taking her with it and she wasn't strong enough to resist it. It was drawing her closer and closer to the edge of no return. And the best and worst part of it is that she didn't care anymore, she didn't care if she was swept along with it like a sail in a storm or not. If she fell off a cliff or drowned in a river she wouldn't care, she would only smile and laugh hysterically in relief.
#~o~#
She felt just like all those people that were described in the sad depressing songs she and Fili had listened to together after they first met in therapy. As he had said it at a time, 'It was better that they listen to them together so they knew that they weren't as alone as they would be if they listened to them alone." Fili said strangely deep things like that sometimes. They always made her laugh because he gave off a carefree exterior that just made him seem like he wouldn't think that way. God she loved that.
#~o~#
He may not have been able to sing very well but he made up for it with being able to play any kind of instrument he picked up. And those few and far in between times he would beg and convince her to sing for him he would play along to what ever song she sung sometimes off rhythm so she would laugh and not tense up. He wanted her to go enter a contest for singing, said that she would win the show, instead they went to a karaoke bar every other week end and had a couple beers.
#~o~#
And those few moment on stage in front of strangers felt as if the very star aligned just for them. She would get lost in his eyes a giant smile on her face match his own as they just played around not trying to make the perfect harmony that would sound like a choir of angels but like them. They were chaotic and messed up, scarred and marred and so damn broken by themselves that they were so whole together that they became one. They probably sounded horrible but it was perfect harmony to their ears. And only that mattered.
#~o~#
She could have spent forever listening to his voice, it had been so expressive and filled with the zest for life it had been impossible not to get caught up in whatever he was saying especially since his body also became so animated when he told a story that was so ridiculous she just knew that it was fake, but he did it to make her smile. How could she resist that? It's seeming ridiculous that she hadn't figured it out that she loved him sooner. She just wants to hear him say that he loves her again.
#~o~#
All those years that they had had together both as friends and as a couple neither of them could tell each other from the other they were that close, going to therapy for nearly killing yourself over grieving for a parent does that for people. And while they had both been broken by themselves they were whole when they were put together. He had been a part of her and she him but he had been the better part, the best part. Besides her mother Fili had been her favorite person the one person that she loved above all others.
#~o~#
When Fili had stood at her side his arm around her waist hugging her as close to him as he could while still standing next to her enough to walk side by side she felt invincible, as if the nothing and nobody in the world could bring her down. Int those moments her past couldn't touch her, she could forget all the past hurt and just happily drown in the feeling of his warm arm drawing her close. She would have happily followed him anywhere, she still will, still wants to. But her Fili died, her other half died.
#~o~#
When he had been alive she knew that she had had nothing to fear. He fought away all her demons, he made the bad things in her life seem insignificant and so tiny they were forgot. Every time she had had a nightmare he would wake her up with kisses and promises of him not letting her dream phantoms hurt her, and they never did. They were to afraid of his bright lively light to fight his hold over her heart. He banished them, but now with him gone they are back. Even when she's awake they haunt her.
#~o~#
Shattered, fragmented, splintered, crushed, destroyed, disintegrated, cracked, split in half there are so many words that could describe just how broken she feels. She tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling alone and empty without him she feels like nothing as if when he died he took half of her with him. He took everything she had to give the world and everything the world gave her that she needed to go on living away with him and now she doesn't know what to do or think. How can she go on living as broken as she is?
#~o~#
He was her everything after her mother died and now that he is gone shes falling apart, there's no way she will ever be whole again not without him to help her put herself back together. And even then will she even be the same? Can she ever go back to the girl Fili claimed to love? She doesn't think so. She doesn't think she can be whole again. You can't bring people back to life after they have left the land of the living and even if you could things wouldn't be the same.
#~o~#
Gods! She missed him so much, she missed his voice and the way he would grab her up around her waist and twirl her around for no reason other than being able to. She missed how his eyes would become hooded when she teased him and the way his smile would grow slowly from a sexy smirk to full out beaming at her with dimples in both of his cheeks. But more than anything she misses that way he use to grab a hold of her hand and swing them back and forth as they walked down the street together.
#~o~#
Is it even possible to be physically one piece even when you feel as if every single part of your body has been torn away from you? She didn't use to think that it was possible but now that she is experiencing it for herself she has become a firm believer. How can her body still be whole when she feels as if losing him has tore her in thousands of millions of pieces? She no longer knew if her heart was beating in her chest since Fili took what was left of it with him when he died.
#~o~#
She hasn't brushed her hair since he died. He had always done that for her saying that he loved the feel of it running in between his fingers while he braided it. She still had the braid in her hair that he put in the morning before her died though they are now unrecognizable as braids, but she can't find it in her heart to try and brush out the last thing he had given her that fateful. It would pain him to see her hair look like the wind has blown it into a tangled thorn bush.
#~o~#
Why does it hurt so much? Why does loving somebody hurt so bad? Make you feel so much agony? WHY? First her Mother, she'd been her world for the first decade of her life and when she died it felt like she'd gotten run over by a car not her Mother. And now that Fili is gone it feels as if it had been her who'd gotten beaten to a bloody pulp. She doesn't know which is worse. Losing her Mother, the person who gave her life or losing Fili who gave her a reason to live.
#~o~#
Every second, every minute, of every single day she feels as if another piece of her is breaking. Her skin looks like a patchwork quilt with all the cuts she has made since he died. But its okay because seeing her skin like that helps her keep track of all the pieces she fears she has already left shattered on the ground around her. Her mother use to call her her Little China Doll, something of kind beauty, breakable but also somehow strong enough to withstand all elements. But she doesn't feel so strong anymore., more like she's broken.
#~o~#
Losing her Mother had been hard see had been forced to take on a mothering roll for her younger siblings. She became the woman of the house a day after she turned thirteen, she has been too young to take on that kind of role, but meeting Fili had helped, taking care of little Tilda and young Bain had helped to distract her, the cutting had helped to distract her. But now she didn't have Fili to help her be whole or Bain or Tilda to take care of and hep distract her. She only has her cutting now.
#~o~#
She always admired her Fathers hands when she was younger. The way they had been so much more larger than hers, the way they nearly swamped her Mothers hands when they held each others hands, the way they had been calloused and rough from hard honest work. She had dreamed of finding a man with hands like her Fathers. Hands big enough to swamp her own, hands that showed how hard of a worker he was. Fili's hands had been like that. They had been bigger than hers, harder and rougher. She loved holding his hands, but no more.
#~o~#
Ripped, rent, cut, slit, ragged, tattered her heart was torn from her chest when he left and now the gaping hole in her chest where it was suppose to be is bloodied and raw to the touch. It hurts to feel any emotion but grief and sadness. How can she go on now that Fili is gone? She can barely find the strength to turn over onto her other side in what use to be their bed, she doesn't have to strength to do anything but lay there wasting away from not eating her skin paling from blood loss.
#~o~#
Her head was swamped in dark storm clouds and the few bare moments when the clouds parted for a couple seconds were filled up with thoughts of getting out of bed and going to the kitchen to grab a knife. Was it wrong tarnishing Fili and her Mother's memories with thoughts, dreams, of killing herself again? She liked to think that no it wasn't, that they would want her to join them up in the stars, that they would be happy to see her so soon. The storm would carry her to see them again on a sail.
#~o~#
Or she could just continue to lay in bed until her body wastes away completely from her depriving it of food. She has her trusty razor blade clutched tightly in her hand, she dug it out from her old boxes two days after Fili died falling back into her old habit of cutting after only two days without him, not that it mattered. Nothing mattered anymore, not without him. She could just forget the knife and just slit her wrist. She could bleed out covered in Fili's favorite color, his blessing, approval of sorts, for her to join him.
#~o~#
The day finally came six months after Fili's death that Sigrid could take his absence from her life any longer and with a smile on her face and his name on her lip she used her razor blade to slit her wrists to the bone severing veins and tendons, completely uncaring as she slowly bled out onto what once had been their bed. She was finally at peace and when her and Fili's family found her laying alone in their room her arms were splayed out like bloody wings at her sides, they all sang a sad song.
0~#~o~#~0
A/N : My first one-shot and song-fic all in one shot. So what do you think? Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. Also this will be the first part of a series. The others with also be One-Shot Song-Fic's but they won't be in chronological order or anything. Yes they will all be about Sigrid but they aren't just one whole story together but separate ones so it doesn't matter if you read this one or another one first. The others will be posted one at a time in a few days or so. I'm already working on them so yeah. Also it was hard to come up with something different to write when the lyric's kept getting repeated. Thanks for reading and go ahead and read the other parts of this series if you haven't leave a review I love hearing your thoughts on my stories.
Also; I want to spread the advice a certain catspats31 gave me about copy-writing. in a review. She is a life-saver literally so a big thanks to her for helping make sure my account isn't canceled just because I forgot to read the fine print.
As thanks I will ask you to click on the link below.
topic/111885/64034467/47/Complaint-Thanks-You-re-always-welcome
And another thing you can also visit the next two links below to help you understand why forbids song lyric and other copy-writes in general.
topic/145811/106013912/1/CI-and-You-A-Guide-to-Understanding-Copy-Infringement-Work-in-Progress
topic/146991/132799919/1/Got-A-Question-Concerning-Songfics-Read-This
— Fleur. :-)