Catch me if you can
By: Hiza-chan
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
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I'm falling for you… you know that don't you? You can see that when I look at you I see a future that could never be. I know that you realize how much I want to press my lips to yours and tell the world how much I love you.
You know… so how can you look at me the same way? How can you joke with me and playfully ruffle my hair when you know what its doing to me on the inside? How can you prance around in just a towel singing some made up song at six in the morning knowing that it's the best alarm clock that I've ever heard?
How can you smile at me so fondly with those brilliant hazel eyes when you know that I want you to be mine?
But you, you've fallen for her in ways that I will never understand. Or perhaps I will, after all, were not that different. After all, We've both fallen for someone who we may never have. Or perhaps you can have her, maybe you'll get married, and have a kid and leave nothing for me, save a broken heart. Is that what you'll do James?
Will you continue to attempt to woo her even as you watch the pain blossom in my eyes? I suppose that is what you'd do. Just ignore what you see as plainly as day and hope it goes away someday. That's probably easy enough to do. After all, my lips are glued, and I will never confess my feelings for fear of a ruined friendship.
So, just watch me try to fill the void in my soul that is you with others. Watch me fill that void with sex, drugs, and booze. Hear me cry out Remus' name when you know damn well that it is your name that I wish to yell. Watch me become some shadow of what I used to be.
How dare you James. How dare you look at her! How dare you watch me tumble down the hill when you know the reason I'm falling and know just who can catch me? Why won't you catch me James? Why wont you be MY knight in shining armor since she won't let you be hers? Why? Am I so unimportant to you?
How can you do it James, how can you be so kind, yet so cruel as well? Do you like seeing me jealous? Do you like the looks of hatred I throw her every time we pass her in the halls? Do you like knowing that if you did not love her I would have cursed her into oblivion by now?
Does that thrill you James? Do you enjoy my eyes on your frame? Or does it make you uncomfortable under the façade you put up? Its all so horrible you know. You'd think that me being me I'd just grab you and ravish you in the middle of the Gryffindor Common room.
But I wouldn't. Maybe if all I wanted was a good shag or two. But not this, I would never sacrifice our friendship for something as meaningless and stupid as my hormones… my emotions.
Its not just my hormones, I know its not. Because there's this feeling I get when I see you smile, and when you laugh. This feeling so deliciously painful that I wonder if I will positively die from the bliss. Or maybe from the pain.
I cannot be sure anymore, what is the difference between pain and pleasure? Love and hate? Do I hate you James? Or do I love you? Do I want to make you scream in agony or writhe in pleasure? I'm so lost James. I cannot find my way out of the darkness I've fallen into. Can you find me James?
How can you James! How can you! You see every scar upon my wrist and every dying ember in my eyes! Why do you pain me so? I'm denied the pleasure of even crying. After all, Black's don't cry. But Potter's do. So maybe I'm a Potter? I remember when you were so upset about your father's passing, and it was my shoulder you cried upon. My arms that embraced you as your soul wept liquid agony.
It has always pained me to see you miserable. So that is why I must look but never touch.
Will you catch me James? Will you catch me as I fall?
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A/N: I was surprised by this, because while reading an adorable Sirius x James one shot I was so inspired to write this little questionnaire that I nearly fell out of my chair. It sort of wrote itself… and I'm fond of the damned thing despite its oddness.