"Ms. Cabot?"
Alex glances at the phone intercom, fighting irritation.
"Yes?"
"Your 2pm is here."
Alex leans back in her chair, glancing at her watch. Where has the time gone? And when had she scheduled a 2:00 appointment? She sighs, shutting the case file on her desk before pressing the intercom button again.
"Send them in," she says, and she only has a second to slip on her pumps before her door opens, and IAB Captain Edward Tucker strides into her office.
"Ed!" she is not immediately able to cover her surprise at his appearance. For a long second, she is filled with panic that something has happened to Olivia. Would they send Tucker to tell her something about Olivia?
No, she tells herself. No. They would send Fin or Rollins. Hell, Carisi would be sent before Ed.
"Afternoon, counselor," He replies, and something in his tone gives her pause.
"I don't remember setting this meeting up, "she says with a thin smile. She wants to demand the answers to her questions, though she knows that would put her at a disadvantage.
Instead, she asks him to sit. "What can I do for you, captain?"
For a moment, Ed doesn't answer. He sits in front of her, looking…looking…what? She finds that she isn't sure. This realization makes her angry.
Defensive.
"Liv was in a hostage situation two years ago," he says finally, starting in the middle of a story that she has not heard the beginning of. Alex stares at him, too stunned to say anything as he continues.
"Three kids, two girls and a boy. She managed to de-escalate the situation, but not before listening to the older girl get assaulted. She was at gunpoint for almost twelve hours."
Alex feels her hands tighten into fists. "Why are you-"she begins, but Tucker cuts her off.
"That was the beginning of our relationship, I think," he says. "She called me when the perp wanted to talk to someone on the outside. So I was there for most of it. I was there when she got out."
Alex is struck dumb for the second time in four minutes. Relationship? Olivia?
Her Olivia?
For a moment, all she can see is Ed Tucker with his hands all over her ex-girlfriend, and fire red anger seeps throughout her ribcage. She keeps silent.
Ed shakes his head absently. "She still wakes up with nightmares from that time, thinking she can hear that girl being raped in the next room."
Alex needs to get ahold of the conversation. She doesn't know what has prompted this man to show up in her office and spill Olivia's darkest secrets, but if he continues, she is going to put a stiletto into his temple.
And then cry.
And she'll be damned if Ed Tucker makes her cry.
"You can't just come in here and tell me things about Olivia-" she begins, but the Captain cuts her off again.
"Yes I can," he says, his voice rising the smallest amount. "I can, and I will. Even if you don't want to hear it, or you already know everything I'm saying. You'll listen to me. You owe me that much."
Alex leans back in her chair, crossing one leg over the other. "I wasn't aware that I owed you anything," she says smoothly. This latest tirade has intrigued her. He is under the impression that she and Olivia have been in contact since her return to the city. He clearly thinks they might be close.
So what is this, then? Jealousy?
Ed looks at her sharply, but he doesn't let his anger rise any further. She watches him reset himself, the way Olivia used to do. The way she probably still does.
"Noah," Ed says, apparently moving on. He glances at her, but seems to take her impassivity as a disguise for anger rather than ignorance.
"I know you've probably already figured this out, but he's a good kid." He half smiles. "Like she could raise anything else."
Alex hears herself make a noise, a small, sharp intake of breath, which makes Ed look up and really study her for the first time since entering her office.
"What?" he asks. "You disapprove?"
"No," Alex says immediately, because even if she has no idea what the context might be, she could never disapprove of Olivia with a child. How many times had they talked about it before Alex disappeared?
"She had a life while you were gone," Ed says roughly, like he's read her thoughts. "She picked up the heart and the confidence you trampled on, and she kept living."
Alex narrows her eyes. "I wasn't aware that being put into WITSEC because my life was in imminent danger was the same thing as trampling the heart of the woman I love."
Tucker scoffs dismissively. "Of course it's not. But not coming back after the danger was gone? Not calling? Not writing? Nothing? That's colder than anyone at the one six would have thought, and they had you pinned as a pretty cold hearted bitch."
This stings, even though she knew it. Even though it has been years.
"Well it looks like she's gotten along just fine," Alex says, because she thinks she has the full view of this picture now. "It looks like she was still able to create the perfect little family without-"
"Fuck you." He says it so quietly, underneath her words, that for a moment, Alex isn't sure she really heard.
"Excuse me?"
"I said fuck you, Alex. You don't deserve her. Or rather, she deserves so much better than you. Has she told you about Lewis, yet?"
Alex blinks at him. "I-"
"I'm sure you would have looked it up the moment she uttered his name in her sleep. You know even when we were together, it was you she screamed for when he tortured her in her nightmares. You she bargained herself for. That's how deep you got under her skin."
For a moment, there is silence. Alex looks down at her hands clasped tightly on her desk. If she moves them, she knows that they will shake badly enough that the Captain will see.
"Get out of my office," she says quietly.
Ed stands. "Yeah," he says dismissively. "That's what I thought." He turns and heads to the door, but he stops before pulling it open.
"You know," he says, not turning back to face her. "She may have left me for you. You might consider that a win. But if you ever, ever, hurt her or Noah. I'll come after you, Alex."
"Do not threaten me," she says automatically.
Ed glances at her over his shoulder, and his expression says that she might be the dumbest person he's ever met. "It's not a threat," he says. "It's a promise."
…
It is her good fortune that Amanda Rollins is the first detective from the one six that she runs into. She strides down the narrow hall to the bullpen like she has probably hundreds of times before, and although she makes it close, Amanda sees her first and detours her to a side room, shutting the door behind them as quietly as possible.
"Woooah," she says, checking to make sure that the blinds in the room are fully drawn. "What the fuck?"
Amanda turns to face her, blue eyes wide and shocked. Alex just looks back at her, waiting.
"Did I just fall back into 2005? Counselor, what are you doing here?"
"I came to see Olivia," Alex says evenly. "I heard through the grapevine that she broke Captain Tucker's heart."
"And what, he's paying you to turn the tables?"
"He thinks she did that for me," Alex continues, ignoring the sarcasm. "I came to see if that was true. If she left the father of her son for me."
Amanda's eyes get even wider. "The father of her…" she trails off, looking up at the ceiling. "Hoooo boy. This is nuts."
Alex glances upwards to see if Amanda might be looking at something. "I hardly think that 'nuts' is the descriptor I would-"
"Look," Amanda cuts her off. "If I told you that Tucker was wrong, and that Olivia in no way broke up with him for you, would you take my word for it and leave?"
Alex raises an eyebrow. "No," she says.
Amanda nods like this is what she'd been expecting. "Then sit down, Counselor," she says tiredly, adding a "please?" when Alex looks as though she isn't going to obey.
Alex isn't sure what part of Amanda's story makes her feel most like jumping for joy. Ed Tucker is not the father of Olivia's son. Olivia isn't even the biological mother of her son. She knows that it is wrong to feel so relieved by this, but she can't help it.
And she never loved him. Amanda doesn't say it outright, but Alex knows all parties involved well enough to read between the lines.
"I overheard her telling Fin that it wasn't fair to him. That he was seeing an entire future that she didn't know how to give him," Amanda pauses, clearly wondering if she's overstepping. "She said it wasn't fair on a…physical level too," she says, voice lower.
"Of course," Alex says, without thinking. "Olivia is demi-sexual. She hates intimacy that doesn't have emotion behind it. Hers and the other partners. She wouldn't have sex with Tucker if she didn't feel a connection with him. She needs to feel like-"
But Amanda colors, shaking her head vehemently. "No!" she exclaims. "That is my boss you're talking about, which means that is way too much information."
Alex smirks, moving to stand. "Come on, Detective Rollins. I didn't take you for a prude."
"I'm not a prude," the other woman protests. "I'm just not a busybody either. What Olivia does with her romantic life is her business."
"And yet you stopped me from seeing her," Alex counters. "You intervened."
Amanda doesn't look as caught as the attorney would like her too. "You're damn straight," she says, looking Alex in the eye. "And I'll bet you're thanking your lucky stars that I did. You were about to burst into her office thinking that she wanted you back. That she'd had a son with Captain Tucker, but abandoned him for you because she, what, saw you getting off the subway and had to have you back?"
Alex rolls her eyes. "I don't ride the subway," she replies.
Amanda just scoffs.
"Look," Alex holds out her hands, in an offering of peace. "I appreciate that you were here to enlighten me. It was really, very chivalrous of you. But I am going to see Olivia. Today, Amanda, and short of assault, there is really nothing you can do to stop me."
Amanda's expression shifts, and for a moment Alex has trouble categorizing it.
"Counselor," she says quietly. "Alexandra. I am asking you not to see her. She…doesn't know you're back. She doesn't have any idea. Fin, Carisi and I went through a lot of serious physical and emotional contortions to make sure she never found out."
Alex stares at her. "I'm sorry?"
"Fin saw you, three years ago at the courthouse. He went to testify, and he saw you."
"I don't see what that has to do with-"
"Olivia didn't know. Fin brought you up, all casual, and she said what she always says about you, which is that she hopes that wherever you are, you're living your happiest life."
Alex doesn't let this gut punch show on her face. "I was waiting," she says finally. "I was…waiting for the right time."
"I don't care," Amanda says, and Alex can see that this might be the most genuine thing she has said throughout their entire meeting. "I don't care what your reasons are. If we're being totally honest, I don't care about you, Counselor. What I care about is my Sergeant, and her son."
Alex raises an eyebrow. There is something there, in Amanda's face, that Alex could dissect if she wanted to. If she had the time. This woman feels more for Olivia than she wants to let on. Whether it is infatuation, awe, affection, or even love, Alex couldn't say. She doesn't have the time to figure it out.
She says the words that will wound no matter what. "You're trying to save your own ass."
Amanda's mouth falls open, but she appears too speechless to answer.
"You don't care about Olivia's happiness or her personal life at all," Alex continues, watching with satisfaction as her words hit their mark. "You are just trying to cover for that fact that you lied to your boss for two years. And not a lie that doesn't matter, about bending the rules to get a perp, or slipping up one time and betting on some horses."
Alex takes a step forward, smirking when Amanda has to force herself to stay in the same spot. She's still got it, even if she doesn't have to use it as often anymore.
"I'm going to see Olivia, Amanda. And we can make a deal. I won't tell her how manipulative her team is. And you can-"
But she doesn't get to the end of her sentence. The door to the interrogation room opens, and Olivia Benson strides in. She is looking over her shoulder at a young woman, clearly a victim, and Amanda and Alex both stand frozen as Olivia gestures her through the door.
"We can talk in here, honey," Olivia is saying gently, using the voice she always does for victims who are hesitant to come forward.
"Um…I think someone's already in here," the girl says, and Olivia turns, ready to kick whomever it is out, and her eyes meet Alex's.
The silence only lasts for five seconds at most, but to Alex it feels like hours. Olivia stares at her, her eyes widening just a little bit as she recognizes and processes what she is seeing. Out of the corner of her eye, Alex sees Amanda open her mouth to say something, but Olivia looks at her, and her expression clearly says, not one word.
Amanda's mouth closes with a little snap.
"You're right," Olivia says, only stuttering just the tiniest bit. She turns back to the girl, and puts an arm around her tiny shoulders. "Let's see if we can find somewhere else, Molly, okay?"
She turns away without a second glance, pulling the door shut behind her.
Alex turns to look at Amanda, whose shoulders have slumped considerably. She cannot help herself. She rubs it in, just a little bit.
"Looks like the deal's off, detective."
…
…
Olivia keeps her waiting for an hour and a half. Alex is on the last third of her second drink when the detective slides into the booth across from her.
She tries not to look annoyed, after all she is technically five years late herself, but Olivia glances up as she settles herself, and smiles amusedly.
"Some things never change," she murmurs.
Alex smiles back at her. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asks lightly.
"You are irritated that I'm late," Olivia states plainly. "Although, the Alex Cabot I used to know wouldn't have waited past thirty minutes."
"The Olivia Benson I knew would not have made me wait so long," Alex fires back. She is ready to be playful, could almost cry at the possibility that all will be forgiven, when she sees that Olivia's face has hardened slightly.
"Well," she says. "I have a son now. He's going through a phase where bedtime is hellish." Olivia lifts her head to the waiter as he arrives to take her drink order, and Alex takes the opportunity to study her.
She's aged, there can be no doubt about it. She has crow's feet around her mouth and eyes, and her hands are more lined than Alex remembers. She put on weight, though it seems to fit her new title well, and there can be no questioning whether she is still the force of nature she once was.
She is more beautiful than she's ever been.
"Take a picture, it'll last longer," Olivia says. Her mouth quirks up into a smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
"You're beautiful." She couldn't stop the words if she wanted.
"I'm old, Counselor. What is it you want?"
Counselor. The formality stings, as does the tired, resigned way that Olivia says it. Alex doesn't bother to keep the hurt off of her face. This is Olivia. She has nothing to hide.
"I…received a visit from Captain Tucker this morning," she says.
Olivia nods, unsurprised. "I spoke with him, and with Amanda. I practically had to resort to tactical evasions to arrive here alone."
"You spoke to them?"
Olivia nods, lifting her head too look her directly in the eyes. "Ed is not the type to keep secrets," she says, putting up a hand to stop Alex's retort. "And Amanda is well intentioned and impulsive. She did what she did because…" Olivia hesitates for just the briefest of seconds. "Well," she says, dropping her gaze. "She's got the loyalty of a Labrador, once you earn it."
Alex takes a sip of her drink, hoping it will mask the incredulity on her face. They are interrupted by the arrival of Olivia's drink, red wine, the full rather than the half.
Olivia lifts it to her mouth, looking satisfied at Alex's surprise.
"You never used to drink wine," Alex says quietly.
"You never used to drink your liquor in a mixer," Olivia replies, tilting her head at the Sidecar Martini.
Alex doesn't want to be diverted. "Your mother drank red wine," she says plainly.
Olivia's face goes blank. Out like a light switch. "Maybe we are all doomed to become our mothers," she says tonelessly. "Yours left you for her career, right? Never looked back."
It is low.
Alex knows she deserves it.
"Captain Tucker seemed bereft that you'd broken up with him."
Olivia blinks, and expression returns to her features, though she doesn't look more kind, or more interested in her companion. "It was the right thing to do."
"Because you're in love with someone else?" Alex asks.
Olivia nods. "Yes," she says simply, and Alex's can't help the way her heart leaps into her throat.
"Anyone I know?"
Olivia narrows her eyes, like she's understood Alex's interpretation and it makes her mad. "No," she says flatly. "His name is Noah. He's six."
"Ah." It's all she can manage.
Olivia's eyes narrow further. "Not Ed's," she says. "But still my son."
Alex puts her drink down. "Liv," she begins, "You don't understand."
This makes Olivia's lips curl ever so slightly. "Whose fault is that?" she growls.
"I was waiting for the right time," Alex says, feeling panic and exasperation. Had she truly not thought there was a possibility that Olivia would not want her back?"
"The right time," Olivia echoes, "was the moment there wasn't any threat left. The right time was fourteen hours after they released you from WITSEC. That's how long it should have taken you you to come home."
"I couldn't," Alex catches herself. It is hard to admit weakness, even to the woman who has never once judged her. "It was hard," she says, voice wavering. "To just…come back."
"I would have helped you," Olivia says. She does not sound close to tears at all. The realization pushes Alex still closer to break down.
"Olivia."
"I wish that Amanda had gotten you out without me seeing you."
It is one of the worst things that she could say. "You don't mean that."
Olivia moves the wine glass in her hand. A circular motion that makes the liquid spin. It is called aeration.
And Olivia does it like a pro.
"Yes I do," she says quietly. "It was a good thing they were doing. They were trying to protect me."
"So was I," Alex says, leaning forward. "I was trying-"
"You were trying to protect yourself," Olivia snarls. Her tone makes the couple in the next booth look around for a split second, but the detective doesn't even notice.
"You were in danger. You went into WITSEC, and we both knew I couldn't follow you. I thought that I would drown without you, Alex. There were days that I thought that if I didn't see you, or hear from you for one more second, I would just stop breathing."
Olivia shakes her head, and her hair falls through her face. "But it wasn't about me," she says after a moment. "You needed to be gone. And the only thing that kept me going was that it didn't have anything at all to do with me. You weren't gone because you didn't love me."
"Of course I wasn't," Alex says quickly. "Of course you-"
"But the moment you didn't come back, even to say you didn't love me anymore-"
"But I do love you, Olivia!" It is her voice now that pulls the attention of nearby diners. They glance over sympathetically and then lean closer to each other to gossip, and normally Alex would be mortified.
At this moment, she couldn't give a damn.
"I love you so much .Will you-"
"Imagine what the first day is like," Olivia says fiercely. "Imagine what the first week is like, when the woman you love, who has sworn to return to you, just…doesn't."
Alex sits back, stunned.
"Hell, imagine the first month, where you never go out after cases, and where you always put stuff back on the shelves." Olivia's eyes are looking away at nothing. Alex knows she's speaking about herself.
"Where you replace the flowers in the kitchen every three days in case this night is the night she comes home," Olivia says quietly. "Can you imagine that."
No. She hadn't.
She couldn't.
The brunette can see the answer in Alex's face. "The moment you decided not to get in contact with me. The moment you decided not to say…anything, you made it about me. You made your absence my fault."
"That wasn't my intention," Alex says. Her voice cracks on the last word, but she doesn't care. She wipes a tear off of her cheek without any concern for her make-up.
"Liv, I never meant to-"
"Well you did." Olivia takes a final sip of her wine and stands up. "I have to go," she says. "I only paid the sitter for an hour.
Alex stands too, waving Olivia's money away and dropping a fifty on the table, intent on following her.
"Please don't just walk away from me," she says, pulling her coat over her shoulders. "You can be mad at me. You can-"
"I just want to go home, Al," Olivia says, pulling the front door of the bar open and stepping out into the cool night air. "I'm not," she stops, running a hand through her hair, and blowing out a puff of air.
"I can't go through this again," she says finally. "I broke up with Tucker because of you. Not for you."
Alex was not aware there was a sentence in the English language that could hurt so badly.
Olivia looks apologetic, but determined. "I have to go," she says.
And when she turns and walks away, Alex doesn't follow.