There Were Times
By: Haru no Yo
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed Destiny or any of its characters.
That day, when I crash landed on the island. I had no idea how it would change my life forever. It was there I met him. A typical ZAFT pilot, I told myself. There were times when I felt so angry towards the enemy. I was angry at them for all the crimes I had seen. But who was the enemy? What was a typical ZAFT pilot? He helped me to change my view. I never thought I would see him again.
I was looking for Kira, but, instead, I found him. I should have known then that he was a part of my future. "I killed Kira," he said. I was angry, but not at him, I was angry at the war. When I thought Kira had died, there were times I felt hopeless. What difference could we truly make in this war?
At first, I didn't even realize it was happening. I knew I felt something for him, but I could never place what it was. Then, there we were before the final battle. The Strike Rouge had been assembled, and I knew what I had to do. It was time for me to do my part in the war. I could protect the people I cared for most. I could protect them in a way I could have never protected my father. I just never expected him to be one of those people.
He kissed me…and I, at first, didn't know what to do, how to react. But I had never before felt so safe and protected. Never before had I felt so… wanted. It was then it became clear to me. It was then I understood.
After the war, he stayed by my side. I was tasked with putting the pieces of my country back together. I was charged with continuing on the work of my father… but it was so hard at times. There were times when it felt like the whole world was conspiring against me. Kira and Lacus would always support me, but they lived with the kids and had their own lives to live. Still, he stayed by my side always, and I don't think I would have made it if he hadn't been there. He never said much; he had assumed the position of one of my bodyguards, but it felt so good to have him always near. And when we were alone, he always knew what to say to make me feel better. He always knew what to say when I got into one of my temper tantrums.
I would have been happy if things had stayed that way. I could have lived my life content with the fact he would always be there for me. But things changed. They always change.
The trip to Armory One was supposed to be routine. I needed to sit down with Chairman Durandal, and there was no choice but to meet him there. When we were attacked, he jumped to protect me. He even piloted that mobile suit all to protect me. I was so afraid something would happen to him, afraid that we would lose everything we had worked so hard for. From that day on, he began on a path that would lead him farther and farther away from me. I knew what it meant to him, climbing into the cockpit of a GUNDAM, but it had to be done; it needed to be done. There were times where I felt helpless as he fought. I had lost my ability to protect him. I couldn't protect him the way he protected me.
Then he left… he left for the PLANTS. "To help protect Orb," he said. But not before he said goodbye with a kiss and a ring. I knew what it meant to him to give it to me. Neither of us had ever been good with expressing how we felt, but we understood each other. I wish time had just stopped at that moment… it was the last happy moment I would have until the war ended.
Without him there, my protection was gone. I couldn't think like myself. I wanted to do what my country needed; I wanted to do what everyone wanted of me. I just didn't know what I wanted myself. There were times when I felt alone. Yuuna fed on my fears and loneliness, and before I realized what I was truly doing, I was standing there, ready to marry Yuuna. If it hadn't been for Kira, I would have regretted that day for the rest of my life… I'll still regret that day for the rest of my life, but I can make the right choices now.
I knew I had broken both of our hearts, allowing myself to be used in such a way. I would make it up to him. I had to make it up to him.
But I had hurt him deeper than I had hoped. That day on the island, I realized we had both made choices that took us separate ways. I didn't want to admit it then, maybe I didn't even know it. I should have known that it was the beginning of the end.
There were times when I felt so lost. I wanted everything. I wanted the war to stop. I wanted my country to be whole again. I wanted him. But I couldn't have everything, and so I fought, I fought to take control of my country. I fought for the end of the war. I fought, hoping that he'd see me the way he once did.
He did come back to us, but by then, we were both changed people. We had taken different paths to a point where we didn't even recognize the other anymore. I knew what my path was. My first duty was to my country. They deserved everything I could do for them. They were the ones I needed to protect. The way I felt or what I needed no longer mattered, though it hurt me to realize it. So I took it off. I took off his ring.
I decided to leave the Archangel. My place is in Orb. I can do more for my country in Orb rather than in a mobile suit. He and I are on different paths now. I don't know why I said it, to the ZAFT soldier, Meyrin, but I did. He needed looking after; he'd always needed looking after. It just wasn't mine to do now.
He holds me close; I hadn't expected it. Haumea, it feels so good; his arms around me one last time. I look into his eyes, and I see a shadow of what we once had.
I walk away and look forward, resisting the urge to look back. I know that whatever happens, whatever I do next, no matter how much he or I change, I'll always be in love with Athrun Zala.
Author's Notes: I'll be the first to admit, the ending of Gundam Seed Destiny did not sit well with me. I was a huge fan of Athrun/Cagalli and I was truly upset with the way they ended it. However, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell Cagalli was thinking when she left him. Seriously. Why the hell would you give up Athrun Zala? …other than the fact he made a lot of stupid mistakes all throughout Gundam Seed Destiny. Ah well, we're moving on. It was just something I wanted to get down, and now I finally have. Let me know what you think.