AN: First fic I've written in years! Feels weird. I wanted to actually finish something before delving straightaway into something more ambitious, which I've tried to do in the past with poor results.
Originally inspired by Reddit user /u/nicefield (check their stuff out!), who created a couple Source Filmmaker scenes I liked so much that I had to create a mini one-shot. I continued fleshing it out more and more until it turned into something I was comfortable sharing.
The title is derived from the last few lines of Laura Stevenson's track L-DOPA, which struck me as poignant for this story because it broadly describes a mother who is absent for her child - a theme which applies to both Rachel and Chloe. Coincidentally, the song was also released on April 23, 2013 - just a day after Rachel is eventually murdered. Tough not to make the connection.
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"Did I ever tell you why my dad brought me hiking on Mt. Hood?"
"Uh...no, can't say you went into too much detail at the time."
"Well, I'm glad. Because I'd rather show you than tell."
"It doesn't involve another viewfinder, does it?"
"No, not exactly."
Rachel smiled as she ducked under a low branch, taking care so that her red flannel wouldn't meet the sad ripped fate of her blue. Chloe followed close behind, resolving not to lose sight of her guide.
They had just departed the Amber household five minutes before, Rachel informing a still quiescent James and Rose that the two of them were leaving for a morning walk. They understood. It had been a stressful and sleepless night for everyone.
"Good…because I definitely tossed your nail file the other day."
"What?"
Rachel stopped in her tracks and turned around with a flourish, her eyes narrowed with scrutiny. Unable to discern whether Rachel's steely glare came from a position of playfulness or genuine annoyance, Chloe could only stretch her mouth wide and shrug.
"I, uh...I was just...super excited I got the plaque loose. And hey, it got you that quarter, right?"
Rachel loosened up. "You're right. Sometimes even MacGyver's gotta give up the goods."
"Still, that's my bad. Shoulda kept it."
Chloe scratched her neck sheepishly, and Rachel turned back around to continue her way forward.
"No, you're fine. I lose shit all the time. And there was no sentimental value in it or anything."
"How 'bout this? For trashing your nail file, I'll hook up with you some free grub at the Two Whales."
Chloe's face flushed pink. She could see Rachel's head cock to the side, her bobbing earring a telltale sign she was suppressing a laugh.
"You'll what?"
"Uh...I'll...hook you up...with...food? From the Two Whales?"
"Ah. I thought you were conjuring up another one of our dirty inside jokes."
"Bringing up last night? That was me trying to calm everyone down. Kinda hard to damage control you telling your dad to fucking blow you. Only thing I could think up."
"Yeah. Sorry. I put you in a shitty situation."
"I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for this one meddling kid...and her salad bowl destruction derby."
"Well, maybe that meddling kid couldn't stand to hear her father preach on with that sanctimonious 'confront your problems head on' bullshit."
"It's a shame. Because she and I, lemme tell ya...we'd be driving down the California coast right now. Maybe we'd stop by a diner, just because it's been hours and we've been hauling ass all night."
"Oh? In this alternate reality, did you find it that easy to fix up your truck?"
"Fuck yeah, no sweat. This meddling kid, she's gotten me into so much trouble...but I haven't felt more alive in years. So, I gotta do what it takes."
Rachel slowed herself, pondering her actions the previous night. "That would have been pretty lit. But it was also cathartic just yelling at my dad, I needed that last night. He was such a fucking asshole to you, even when he was pretending to be friendly."
"It was no big deal. Get that all the time at home too."
"No, it was fucking rude. My entire life, he's been drilling into me how important it is to treat others with respect and get into peoples' good graces."
"Don't get me wrong, but those seem like good traits. And you're a quick learner."
"Too bad he left out the part where respect only matters if you can extract something in return. Just part of being a DA, right?
"And what about Well's office? He even saw you take all the blame so I could keep my role in the play. It's like he doesn't understand the concept of helping someone who you're close to. Everything is a transaction to profit from."
Rachel scoffed with derision, as Chloe found herself speechless.
"Tell me, in this alternate reality, what are we having for breakfast?"
"Hmmm...eggs and bacon. With a side of hash browns."
"Then that's what we'll have at the Two Whales."
"Right...yeah. My mom works there, she won't mind."
"You offered! How can I turn down free food? You played yourself, Price."
Sitting down with Rachel enjoying eggs and bacon? Chloe wished she could play herself more often, as she continued to emulate Rachel's meandering path through the trees.
"Anyways, I was gonna get a glass file eventually. I didn't realize how shitty metal ones were, they're almost too abrasive. My nails have been a mess. So seriously, don't worry about it."
"'Kay. I won't."
It was striking how fast the creature comforts of air-conditioned rooms gave way to the tangled brambles of the wilderness. Billowing smoke from the forest fire dominated the warm yellow light of dawn with a voluminous pall. Tracing a path she had trodden many times before in her childhood, Rachel sensed her heart quicken upon hearing the distinctive trickling of water. She hurried her pace, not caring quite as much about the sharp thickets in her way.
"Hey, what's the rush?"
Rachel beckoned Chloe to follow with her hand before extending it to her.
"We're close. This way."
Chloe reached out and clasped tightly, as Rachel led her through a final wall of shrubbery into a clearing where a modest stream flowed freely.
"Holy shit. This is like...straight out of a Bob Ross painting."
"Right?"
Chloe's heart fluttered, the single word bringing back vivid memories from the night before.
"If I were him, I would set up my easel here." Rachel walked over and sat on a smooth rock outcropping which jutted out into the stream. It was big enough for two.
Chloe took the hint, sitting alongside. "So...I might have forgotten my paintbrushes. But I have the second best thing for enjoying a moment," she riffed, pulling out a cig and lighting it. "Wanna take a drag?"
Rachel shook her head, beaming, before watching a spot across the river intently. She normally came around in the early morning to drink from the river like clockwork.
"Weren't you taught as a kid that smoking would give you cancer?"
"My parents pushed it hard. I've never seen my mom smoke. My dad crawled up my ass about it every day. You'd swear he came up with all the corny slogans in those posters. He was such a goodie two-shoes, it was almost sickening. Never even saw him break the speed limit. Didn't exactly help...with…" Chloe's voice trailed off with a dark irony. "So yeah, fuck all of these rules and restraints. What have they ever done for me? At least whenever I smoke, I feel a bit of a release."
"I get it." Rachel took her eyes off the opposite bank, absently rapping her fingers on the damp rock before arriving at a spontaneous decision. "You know what? Sure. Lemme have one."
In moments, the steady ambience of the rushing water was punctuated by an inelegant hacking cough.
"Damn, girl. Act like you've done this before," Chloe crooned, patting Rachel's convulsing back. "When I saw you at Firewalk in that getup I was thinking, 'I bet this chick's seen and done some shit.' Guess I was wrong."
"Says the person who fell asleep with a lit cig."
"Yeah...god forbid I do something careless like burn down a forest."
"Wow. You had that one hella prepared."
"You know when you think of a perfect comeback right after the moment's passed?"
"Mmhmm."
"Had that one in my back pocket because I knew you wouldn't let me forget about it."
"Well, you got me."
Rachel accepted another hit off Chloe's cigarette and gazed back at the towering smoke cloud. The fire was close enough for the two to smell acrid residue in the wind, yet far enough to remain nothing but an innocuous accoutrement to the picturesque landscape.
"Getting used to it?"
"A bit. My dad would freak if he knew what we were doing right now."
"You still give a shit what he thinks?"
Chloe restrained herself from describing James with a more pejorative term as Rachel shook her head with resignation.
"I mean, a part of me still does. I've spent my entire life trying to meet his expectations. It's not like I can turn off that impulse like a faucet."
"Rachel..."
"It's why you're a breath of fresh air. Everyone in Arcadia Bay: my parents, our classmates, our teachers, even random strangers in town. I see a facade every time I talk to them. But you? I see just you. Someone who never gives a shit about what anyone else thinks."
"That's the second time you've mentioned that now. Trust me, I wouldn't recommend my route to DGAF enlightenment. It's...not worth it."
"The alternative first step is a smoking addiction, then?"
"We still got time to work on that."
"All the time in the world."
Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel spotted a brown shape moving amongst a sea of greenery across the water. A doe. She nudged Chloe gently, who looked over at the deer with awe. The solitary animal ambled towards the river with a silent grace, dipping its head into a tranquil section of current for a drink. Rachel's eyes focused with eager anticipation on her partner, who was grinning widely at the encounter.
"Is...this what you wanted me to see?"
"Yep. She comes by all the time. But usually only when I'm alone."
"Wow."
The doe looked up, surveying the landscape for the source of sound before meeting the eyes of the intruders across the water.
The doe paused for a fleeting moment, and abruptly dashed back into the concealment of the nearby copse.
"I discovered this place when I was a kid. She was smaller back then, too. Just a small fawn. Imagine the two of us. Just playing around, at peace with nature, all that junk."
"I honestly can't."
"What, you don't think I'm outdoorsy?"
"I don't know. I always envisioned you as having...better things to do, even as a pre-teen."
"What do you mean?"
"Like, Max and I would play pirates in my backyard when we were younger. It was...hella fun, and I'd give anything to relive those moments. But in looking back...what was the point?"
"What was the point? You were spending time with your friend."
"Yeah...she was my best friend. All those memories, yet they still weren't enough for her to keep in contact after my dad left."
"I'm sure she had her reasons."
"Maybe. But if it didn't matter to her, why does it matter to me so much? Was it all just...one-sided? Do you know what it's like when your most important memories feel meaningless?"
"I have a bit of an inkling now."
"Like, are we just supposed to forget? How do we cut out something that was such a big part of our lives? How did Max do that?"
"It probably just takes time. I don't think you'll ever truly forget those moments. They just become dulled, or pushed into the background by other memories."
"I guess."
"Also, I don't believe for a second that Max forgot. Playing pirates with a young Chloe Elizabeth Price sounds hella fun."
"It's hella weird picturing a young Rachel Dawn Amber frolicking in a forest with a fawn. Lost in some real Disney shit like me and Max."
"Well, I never had any birds perch on my hand or butterflies land in my hair."
"There's still time."
"So what do you call what we're doing right now? Do we have better things to do?"
"Right now? Definitely. I could be...doing laundry? Showering?"
"But who decides what's a 'better thing to do'? The world? Society?"
"Something like that."
"Fuck them both. And I know you don't believe that either. Two days with you, and it's pretty obvious you shoot straight from the hip. Everything you do or say, is because you want to, and not anyone else. I admire that."
"I don't think anyone's ever told me that before."
"I'm not just anyone."
The confidence in Rachel's voice spurred Chloe to look over.
"Did your dad ever figure out you were out here?"
"Eventually. He raised hell. Told me I should join him to see something actually worth seeing rather than horsing around by myself possibly getting hurt."
Chloe blew out a puff of smoke as she began to connect the dots. "It has a logic to it. As nice as this place is, it probably doesn't hold a candle to a place like Mt. Hood."
Rachel smirked. "To tell you the truth, part of me was just hoping to see a volcano erupt."
"It'd be shit luck if you got your wish. It's been over a hundred years since that thing's been active."
"Something tells me you actually looked that up."
"Nuh uh. Every native Oregonian comes out of the womb with that knowledge. I wouldn't expect a city slicker transplant like you to understand."
"Hey, don't give me that shit. My family moved to Arcadia Bay when I was seven."
Rachel playfully punched Chloe's shoulder, and Chloe tried to hide her impish grin behind her cig. It was a complete failure.
"Alright, fine. I might have looked it up on Wikipedia…"
"More evidence we've got a science nerd here."
"You're saying reading about subduction zones in bed isn't normal?"
"Not at all." Rachel shook her head. "But being normal is hella overrated."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. The mental picture of you reading about that shit in bed? Actually kinda hot."
Chloe's heart leapt, eager to one-up her previous admission. She'd already come clean about seeing her dead father in her dreams, but there was also one more thing...
"Okay, well how's this for not normal?"
"Oh, this is going to be great."
"I write letters to Max. Letters that I never mail and which she'll never see."
Rachel furrowed her eyebrows, clearly taken aback. Chloe immediately regretted choosing this specific nugget to reveal, mostly because she knew Rachel would inevitably…
"Really? Can I see?"
...ask to read them. The subjects of those letters weren't solely limited to Max.
"Ah. Erm...yeah. It's kinda private. There's some grim stuff in there...and you've got a lot to digest yourself after last night."
"Hey, why mention them if you're not gonna let me read them?"
"I gotta keep you in suspense. Besides...it's just a thing I do to blow off some steam. It's...almost therapeutic."
"Does this mean our talk yesterday wasn't enough? It's a bit early in the day, but I think I have an opening in my schedule for an impromptu session."
"Right now?"
"Yes. You played therapist for me last night when I got all emo and weepy rambling about dead stars. Your turn. Plus we've kinda dipped our toes into some heavy shit anyways while we've been outside, so let's just plunge in."
Rachel patted her lap expectantly.
"And try putting your head here instead of your legs this time. I don't think you'll find the rock quite as comfortable as the truck seat."
Chloe extinguished her dying cig on the rock, and laid her head down as commanded. The intoxicating scent of jasmine filling her nostrils, Chloe drew a cleansing energy from every inch of her that came in contact with her amateur therapist.
"Alright, shrink. Long time no see."
"Welcome, Chloe. What troubles you this morning?"
"So...I vented to you yesterday about David, right?"
"Yes, I believe we agreed on the official title of 'Stepdouche'."
"Right. Because he's a douche. But...if I had to really narrow down who I'm most upset at, it's my mom."
"Because she's with David?"
"Yeah. I've tried...so hard...to be nice to them both. But it's never enough. Every single time she has to decide between David or me, she chooses him. Letting him go through my pockets, letting him into our home, letting him into the same bed my dad slept in…"
"Wait, he asked you to turn out your pockets?"
"Yep, that's the paranoia of Stepdouche for you."
"That's so fucked up. Did you have anything?"
"Nah. I'm fucking broke, and I owe Frank. Weed would've been a godsend these past couple days."
"Tell me about it."
"So it's like...every single time he acts like a dick to me, she completely dismisses it."
The tempo of Chloe's voice began to accelerate.
"'Oh, he's just old-fashioned.' 'Aww, he means well.' 'David is just trying to do what he thinks is best.' Well, mom, I don't give a shit if all of those are true. Because he doesn't respect me as a person, is a misogynistic asshole, AND he's never going to replace my dad!"
Rachel squeezed Chloe's wrist, massaging up and down Chloe's forearm with her thumb. The sensation was relaxing.
"I think the first thing to recognize is that even though your mom is well, your mom, she's still just a person."
"Well...duh. Are you charging me by the minute?"
"Seriously, though. When we grow up, we see our parents as infallible. Take their advice as gospel. But as we've seen recently, they make mistakes and need someone to help them out, just as the rest of us. Like we're doing for each other."
"Okay…but isn't that kind of what parents sign up for when they have children? Be there to provide love and support when their children need it?"
"Sure. But your mother didn't 'sign up' for all this shit to go down either. I'm not saying you have to all of a sudden be all buddy-buddy with Stepdouche, but it sounds like your mother is hurting. And some understanding from her daughter will go a long way."
"But like…I've been more than understanding. Up until I got expelled, she's been on my case for...coming home late? School sucks, dad's dead, my best friend left and has been ignoring me for years, and she can't give me the leeway to come home late once in a while?"
"Okay, you're going to have to tell me more about this whole Max thing at some point."
"I don't really want to get into that now...maybe later."
"Sure, I understand. One thing at a time."
"Thanks."
"Anyways, it seems to me like your mom has stopped looking at you as a daughter to support, but rather as a daughter who can support her."
"Support her? She's barely asked how I've been doing - only criticizing and passing judgment on what I do. And now she won't even give me my space."
Chloe struggled to keep her watering eyes wide, determined not to let tears stream down her face and onto Rachel's pants.
"She let that asshole into my house...my home...and then complains to me why I don't want to be there. Then she says she 'wants her daughter back'? Then who the fuck was I before?"
Chloe's vision blurred, Rachel's face becoming awash in distorted shapes and lines that made no sense.
"This IS me. I've always been Chloe fucking Price. Why is it I have to give and give all the time and get so little in return?"
Chloe's field of view became enveloped with a sheath of shadow, until she sensed the press of tender lips on her forehead.
"Token of my appreciation for yesterday. Does that help?"
As if converted through an ethereal force, Chloe's tears no longer bore the manifestation of despair and frustration, but rather that of relief and gratitude. She perceived the tide rising up, once again threatening to flow down her face; she let them fall. Fingers - not hers - gently brushed the tears aside, drawing out first a flinch, then a laugh.
"I could use some more helping."
Another kiss, this time on the tip of the nose.
"Sorry, Price. Now I've overstepped my bounds in terms of client code of conduct. This is highly inappropriate and unprofessional behavior."
"Can't make an exception just this once?"
"I'm afraid not. I just got my therapist's license. A rookie can't take any more chances."
"Yeesh...how much am I paying for these sessions?"
"Nothing you can't afford."
"In that case...thanks. This was a lot more productive than before."
Rachel's face lit up. "I'm improving by the day, right?"
Chloe pulled her phone out, flipping it open to discover it was 6:17. "Shit," she grumbled, standing up.
"Should we head back? Gonna be a busy day. Still have to find out what Frank knows about my mom."
"Yeah. First I gotta sneak back to my room. My own room in my own home. My mom is flipping out again about me being out past curfew. What else is new?"
Rachel nodded, and threw her arm around Chloe as the two began to return along the same route they had taken earlier.
Unbeknownst to them, a thick arrangement of foliage nearby formed a natural hedgerow which provided a perfect hiding spot. From the faraway position of clandestine safety, a doe stood still with utmost stillness and quietude as she kept a wary eye on the visitors. Tracking the two - one a new presence, the other an old acquaintance - with curiosity as they ambled back towards civilization, she waited until they had disappeared back inside before returning to her customary routine of loitering near the stream in an absolute and serene peace.
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...
"There are no wings hitched to my spineJust an undying urge to climb
And I'll wait for my mother, supposing she'd bother
To hold me and keep me a while
To hold me and keep me a while"
Laura Stevenson - L-DOPA