My Life My Story
05/20/2010
You'd think that with me being almost twenty years old I would pretty much have everything straight in my life. I would have a full year of college course's done, steady job, and my weight disappearing from my huge fat ass looking body. Don't get me wrong I have confidence in myself, but the way my mother makes those snide little comments about the way I dress or "honey if only you'd lose a little bit of weight," It's sad and I've learned to live with it and yes its pathetic, but I'm the one having to deal with it.
Not everything is as it seems in my little "happy" life that I'm supposedly living. Fact: I signed up for a full load of classes in college. Fiction: I completed all of them with at least all A's and B's. Truth: Well they say the truth hurts I have a GPA of 1.75 and Have a credit of four classes in one year. It's my first year out of High School and I couldn't handle the norm of being a college kid. I had to overcome my stupidity, stubbornness, and unknowing knowledge of the way things work in college. Now with SFASU in my lists of goals to go to I'm going to work harder to get my GPA back up and transfer after the fall semester. I know I'll be happier there.
So for people who think that I have many friends are a little bit jealous of that, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I have many friends but I have just a few. Especially at SFA the people down there are very friendly in many ways pun intended. I think that if I do move down to nac that my life will be not easier, but at least happier and more confident to do more things and not just be stuck in one area. Gladewater is my second hometown, I will always remember those crazy drunken and sober nights I've had in this small little town. Now I need a new start somewhere that I know I can make a name for myself and I know I'll find it at SFA. I will have to do this all on my own, but I'm willing to do it and nothing no one is stopping me from my dream. The Dream of being an Art Director and winning an Oscar and walking my ass on the stage speechless tears will be flowing down my eyes no doubt and yes of course I'll forget a few people thanking the usual's saying "I never thought I would ever get this award in my lifetime", but in my head I'll be saying "I fucking did it bitches!"
Last thing on my mind is my boyfriend Jhermy French. He is one complicated holy-roller of a simplistic person. I'm not too sure what in the hell is going on in our relationship right now, maybe I rushed into the physical stuff with him not that we've had sex I'm not one to take a guys virginity its….weird and especially his. I've told him I've had sex just not with who never will. Lately I have been feeling a little forgotten so I've kind of brushed it off he's working a lot more now that he's graduated college with a web masters degree. I certainly don't mind him hanging out with his buddy's or his best friend Jimbo. I don't think I smother him or do I? I thought a boyfriend is supposed to text you every morning or day telling you good morning or asking how your days going while putting in the cute smiley faces saying he misses you? I try to put in effort, but I feel like the once strong line on the heart monitor is getting weaker. Is this what falling out of love feels like? I found a couple of texts on his phone from someone I know I went to High School with her she's a junior and goes to his church. It seems he talks to her more than me. He makes more of an effort with her than me leaving me to look and feel like a damn fool. I have never truly had a "boyfriend" that I've really cared about that has showed me off to his friends, taken me on dates, paid for my shit without me asking, kissing me when I least expect it, texting calling making plans to see me when we can, how can all of that go south I don't really know what to do. It's easy to flirt and I could cheat but I know I could never cheat on the person I'm with. It's easy, but the guy I would cheat on him with wouldn't be worth it. He's "screwed" me over its all lust and there's nothing else there never will be. I'm over him. I just wish I could make a decision about Jhermy everyday my heart grows weaker and weaker I'm in doubt and scared I know what heart break feels like and I don't want to repeat it with a guy I actually have been honest with. I shouldn't lead him on it would be the worst thing in the end I have to make a decision and it will suck I'll defiantly need a drink or a good feeling pill, or maybe some demon.
I don't have a pill addiction at all I love the feeling of being numb from the world and my surroundings being able to cover myself up in a blanket on my bed and sleeping and not dreaming. I was addicted to pills my sophomore and junior year and half of my senior year. Once I took a vicoden and I felt the level I was on it made my mind go into a state of smooth sailing simplicity. While under the effect of this small pill I felt relaxed nothing could affect my high. All throughout my dad's ordeal and with everything else when I took them even at school I was the same person just more mellow I could control my crying and get out of anything, pretend to be sick so nurse Blear would send me home. Someone noticed though they told my parents and I noticed they started to keep count of their pills. I got clever and made up a reason to have the special pills not caring which one just knowing the ones that would get me back to the level I loved and longed to be at. The thing that changed is when I overdosed. I can remember the feeling I wasn't in control like the other times. No this had me on my ass in a split five minutes my whole body out of control barely able to react. I was in and out that night I even had to go to school the next day face my parents and pretend like nothing happened, I can tell you I looked worse than shit. I looked like I had been dragged to hell throughout the night with enough time to get back to go to school. It was the last place I wanted to be but a place I needed to be to think out how stupid I was and that I could have died and it was only my sophomore year. For the next year I was watched with medicine they made damn sure that any kind of medicine I put in my mouth wasn't going to be addicting, that it would make me hate pills for the rest of my life.