A Snowball's Chance
Note and Disclaimer: I'll be saying this every time. I don't own the characters to Hogan's Heroes. I would like to thank those who have created this series. However, the character I have created in this series, Colonel Michalovich, belongs to me, so if you want to use her in any story you wish to write, please email me with permission first. Thank you!
I watched the scene one cold night near Hammelburg's train station and begged G-d to spare us from the patrols this night of all nights (like I had not been doing so every time we go out). After all, Rob and Carter had just wired up the last of the demolition pack, unraveling the wire and hooking it up to the devise that would blow up our train.
Indeed, Major Hochstetter had been clever enough to hide some ammunition in that train and disguise it as a Red Cross train, only to have his aide overhear it (not to mention the whole of Hammelburg's Gestapo unit and the people outside) and send us a message through the Underground. Baker had received it last night from the Underground. Of course, we could not stand leaving the poor train moving towards the Eastern Front: its destination.
The only disadvantage we had, as I've mentioned, was the patrols that came often on the tracks. Luckily, we disguised ourselves – LeBeau, Carter, Newkirk and Rob as Luftwaffe officers and myself as a prisoner of the Third Reich – and Baker volunteered to mind the fort. He used the walkie-talkie often and asked us if we were done yet. At one point, LeBeau had enough of the calls (he had been in charge of communications) and demanded of Rob and Carter the conclusion.
"Are we ready yet, Colonel Hogan?" LeBeau asked, watching the pair wire everything up. He had clicked the walkie-talkie off and was nervous, especially if the Gestapo was detecting signals. He also rubbed his hands and put the offending machinery back in his coat pockets. Snow on the ground made him colder and he snuggled closer to me. I didn't mind that time. I was cold too and needed some warmth especially, seeing as how I found out some horrendous news this month. I wanted some comfort.
"Shhh, LeBeau," Newkirk said, also nervous and cold. "The gov'nor looks almost done. Then I could be warmer in me bed."
"Well, they better be," I retorted. "It's too damn cold out here. I don't want any more snow falling anytime soon." Indeed, flurries had come down again. I hated it worse than blizzards because of the lingering cold. German winters are well-known and well-hated, too.
"Shut up, Colonel," Rob said in response to my last comment, ducking back into the bushes where we three were. We were far away from the explosions to push the level. "I've had enough of the cold, but you don't see me looking out for yetis either." Rob watched Carter finish up the job. He knew, better than Rob, what needed to be done last.
"Is there really such thing, Colonel Hogan?" Carter asked as he turned back to us. He wanted to get his mind off of the cold, I could tell. "I mean, in North Dakota, we once thought we saw one and wanted to –"
"Shut up, Carter, and 'et back to work," Newkirk said, rolling his eyes. At least he isn't hearing about explosions today, I thought when I saw all of the other two either smack their foreheads (LeBeau) or shake their heads (Rob). I didn't mind it as much anymore. I had accepted Carter as he was and sometime, frustrated, I would try to be patient. It wasn't easy though because I lost it often.
We waited, watching the flurries, and blew our breath in frustration, but the work was not being done faster. However, an incident made it go quicker. A few minutes later, just as Carter whistled that he was done with his end (and we were all wondering when we could warm up in our beds again), we heard rustling in the woods. LeBeau went to his right, investigating where the sounds were coming from, and came back panicking. He even took out his gun.
"Kraut patrols," LeBeau answered for us, panicking. "We need to get out of here."
Rob sighed, also a bit panicked. "But we need this done tonight," he said, about to move and motioning us to do the same. "The Underground said it wasn't going to come in another few weeks. And their schedule isn't definite yet."
"We need to get something going then," I added, "because we're about to be caught." I was about to move out, but knew we had to abandon the equipment and start again or hide it. Either way, we had to somehow finish it some other time.
"Oui, they're close," LeBeau confirmed.
"Then why didn't we catch them earlier?" Newkirk asked, confused.
"Because they might be quieter than we thought previously?" I guessed. "I don't know. But what we know is –"
"Hey guys, check this out," Carter called to us, gathering up some snow already on the ground and rolling into balls. He then proceeded to roll the balls on the ground, making a snowman's bottom piece. He had also kicked snow along where the wires were before making another piece to his snowman. Rob had already attached the wires to the level so that we could blow up the train and even helped Carter finish his end of hiding the evidence. But with Carter out there, we have no chance. They're sure to find us and the wiring.
"Now, wait a second here…" Rob mused, thinking again as he came back from his minor chore. The wheels in his mind were spinning and I saw why. As Carter quickly finished covering the wiring with the snow and the explosives with the bottom part of the snowman, Rob thought of the plan to get away and smiled. He even motioned for Carter continue with the masquerade.
We all watched in amazement. "Wait 'ere," Newkirk said, suddenly seeing what Rob wanted immediately.
LeBeau and I were confused even though we knew the cover-up plan anyway. I looked to the little Frenchman and the both of us shrugged our shoulders, knowing that another crazy plan was going into action. We had no choice, but to look. The patrols were closer.
"What is this?" The patrols had arrived at last as Newkirk joined Carter in making the snowman – Luftwaffe, late as usual, unlike the Gestapo sadly – and saw the two men making their snowman. The bottom had been made already and Carter and Newkirk were about to put the middle piece on top. As far as I knew, the patrols did not see us in the woods.
"What do you think?" Newkirk snapped in his best German accent, turning around after he placed his piece up. Already, Carter was creating the head, listening to Newkirk yell at the patrol. "There is a train coming here. Their passengers have been traveling for a long time and need some happy scenes. Don't you think the passengers need some amusement, ja?"
"Ja, but –" one of the soldiers began.
"You heard the man!" Carter said, coming up from behind Newkirk as he finished the head and put it on top. "Our orders are clear. We were told to make a snowman in front of this train track and here it is. Our mission is complete. We followed our orders."
I almost smacked my forehead, but was almost relieved by the reaction. The three in the patrol group looked confused and exchanged worried glances. "Where is your paperwork?" another one asked, putting his gun down. The others copied this action, at least, and it made me less nervous. They recognized their own kind – Luftwaffe – and only want to see if they're with them or are agents of the Underground.
Carter took out his fake identification papers, handing them over to the questioner. We all carried false identifications in case something like this happened. We've had no problems since then.
"So…it is Sergeant Carterholf?" a guard asked, his flashlight pulled out and looking at the paper. He was satisfied with it, I could tell from my position, as he handed the paperwork back to Carter. "Who is your commanding officer?"
"Generals Hoganhelf and Kinchmeyer," Newkirk answered, handing over his paperwork as well, so that the patrol was not suspicious of him as well.
Newkirk recalled Kinch's German name! I thought with surprise. It made the men almost laugh, too (LeBeau was snickering and Rob was smiling). Meanwhile, the second patroller took the papers, looked them over with his neighbor's flashlight, and handed them back, also satisfied.
"Of which unit?" was the next question. It was from the guard who looked at Carter's paperwork.
"Of the Russian Front," Carter said chillingly (no pun intended). "We're on leave right now."
All three shook their heads simultaneously. "No wonder you have had these orders," the main questioner said. "The Generals are out of their minds. Poor souls need to play in the snow!"
Laughing, the trio suddenly left Newkirk and Carter, going on their way and turning their backs on their actions.
As soon as the guards turned their backs, Newkirk and Carter continued their fine work on the snowman (Carter poked holes for eyes and a nose and Newkirk patted the snow down harder). Then, we saw that the patrol was out of sight. With a satisfying kick, Newkirk destroyed their fine masterpiece. Knocking Carter in the head again, Newkirk motioned his best friend to come back to the bushes, where we were.
"Fine work, fellows," Rob said as the pair came back. "Now, are we able to finish it?"
"Yes, Sir," Carter answered.
"With a good chance in hell, I think we're good to go," I said.
"So, let's hope they're the last patrol," Rob said as he hooked up the last wires, waiting with us before our train came by.