Well, this is an awfully long one-shot, but a one-shot all the same. The title is decieving however, this story isn't much of a love story, some fluff here and there. Overall, I'm quite proud of it. There might be some mistakes, sorry if there are, and feel free to point them out if you want. I won't mind.Won't be doing any sequals, doubt I'd get enough reviews anyway. Well, please enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own Yami no Matsuei, Matsushita-sensei does and I'm so jealous... 'Soka-chan and Tsu-chan are so kawaii! But yeah, don't own them. Don't sue me.
Love Letters and Trench Coats
It was quiet. The evening had been without whines for dessert or pleas for attention or attempts of feeding anyone. Even now, there was only steady breathing. No background music from the radio, no noise emitting from the television, just silence.
I frowned. It was late, around eleven at night, but he hadn't come over. He came over every night, every afternoon, hell, Tsuzuki came over every free chance he got. Why not tonight?
Stirring my tea absently, my emerald gaze continuously darted to the door. I was expecting too much, it was late and even that lazy idiot would know better than to just intrude as the hours passed on. A disgruntled sigh escaped my lips, forgetting about my fourth cup of tea and resolving to staring at the wall opposite me. I could do that for hours, just stare at the wall and think, I had gotten practice with this as a child in that room.
Why was I so surprised and angry that he didn't come over today? He told me earlier at work that he wouldn't be coming by, wanted some time to himself. I think it was because yesterday I asked him, rather harshly, why he came to my place every night. He gave me one of those fake smiles and replied:
"Because… I… I don't want you to be alone."
He was lying through his teeth, I didn't need to be an empath to see that. Even though I could sense that he shields were quite high and thick, wisps of pain, sadness, need, and loneliness mingled with my own emotions. I then made the mistake of calling him a liar and then saying I wasn't a child and didn't need to watched over every night, then we sat in silence until he left. He'd only muttered a quick goodbye and then he was gone. My nightmares had been terrible that night.
Shaking my head, I mentally reminded myself that I shouldn't be getting so worked up over this. I'm sure that Tsuzuki will be better tomorrow, a night alone would do both of us some good. Even as I stood up, I didn't believe that and knew that my dreams would be plagued with either images of sakura, a blood red moon, and a white clad man or black flames that threatened to engulf the one person I learned to care most about.
Tonight, it was the latter.
"Ne, 'Soka?"
A wheat tressed boy glanced up from the tiled floor he'd found rather interesting, "What?"
"Did you… did you mean what you said, Hisoka?" the purple-eyed man asked, tilting his head to the side and gazing hopefully at his partner, "You know, in Kyoto?"
The boy called Hisoka cringed visibly at the mention of Kyoto before replying: "Baka. Of course I did…"
"Oh, good." a smile appeared on the man's face, "I was worried for a second, but thank you Hisoka. I'm glad, thank you."
His words seemed to drown in the silence, until finally a faint voice called out, "Your welcome." then more quietly, if that were possible, he muttered, "But… thank you Tsuzuki."
The sentence was not meant to be heard, but by judging the look that flickered on the one called Tsuzuki's face, he had heard every word.
He really adored his partner.
I woke drenched in sweat and screaming his name. I was shivering, no, trembling is a better word and clutching the blankets in a desperate attempt to keep me tethered to sanity. Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out. The familiar actions in calming myself did not have their desired effect. Sobs suffocated me, my eyes darting around the room. I was searching for him, to make sure he was alright.
"Tsuzuki." I cried, my voice hoarse from screaming, "Tsuzuki!"
Receiving no reply, I buried my face in my knees, pulling the blanket closer to my supple frame. My whimpers and tears did not cease, nor did my trembling.
Hot, burning pain. All alone, nothing to live for. Burn it all away, burn it all. Even me.
"No! No, Tsuzuki!" I was hysterical now, balling up my fists and beating them against the bed.
Stay for me, live for me. Please don't leave, I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't. Flames licking at skin, empty eyes. Broken doll.
"Don't leave me…" my words trailed off, but I continued shaking, "Don't go."
A warmth filled me, one I found quite familiar. When a gentle hand was placed on my shoulder and the warmth, concern, confusion, and kindness filled me. I didn't even concentrate on the underlying feelings of self-hatred, fear, or depression. How did he always know when I needed him?
Letting that question drift away, I crumpled into a sobbing heap, only being supported by two strong arms. The edge of my bed creaked softly and dipped as his weight settled upon it. Despite how I found this childish, I snuggled into him and buried my face into his chest. I continued whispering his name in pleading tones, not wanting him to leave me again.
He understood.
"Shh, Hisoka. It's alright, I'm here. I won't leave you, I promise." Tsuzuki told me softly, gently rocking me back and forth.
Slowly, my crying stopped and my shaking transformed into a clingy cuddle. My hands clenched upon his shirt, not willing to let go. I kept my head on his chest, his hands stroking my back in a way of giving me some comfort and reassurance.
"Tsuzuki," I murmured, not sure if he heard me at first, but when he let out a small 'Hnn?' I continued, "I'm sorry…"
"'For what, 'Soka?" he asked, confused and startled by my apology.
"For dragging you… out here, for being pathetic… and for pushing you a-away the… the other day…" I was exhausted, so my words weren't making much sense since they faded in and out. But he understood, he always understood. "I-I just…" I just want you to stay.
I could feel him smile sadly, stroking my hair lightly, "'Soka, don't be sorry. It's alright. If anything, I'm sorry for not coming over today. I didn't know it would do this to you."
"B-baka…" I whispered as I began falling prey to sleep, but didn't let go of him, "Don't-don't be sorry… I'm fine…"
I was not fine, anyone with half a brain could see that. Tsuzuki chuckled softly, before leaning down and brushing his lips against my soft locks. I sighed in contentment, relaxing my body as he laid my down on the bed while keeping his hold on me. One arm around my waist, the other was brushing at my hair and occasionally my cheek. I nuzzled into his hand before letting sleep claim me.
"Tsuzuki!" Hisoka hollered, flinging his frame up from the bed and panting heavily.
A rustle was heard from the bed beside his, even with Hisoka's uncontrollable sobs. "Nnn…? 'Soka?"
"Tsuzuki," he cried, tears streaming down his pale cheeks and he curled into a tight ball. It took a few moments for the older Shinigami to wake up all the way, but once he was Tsuzuki was beside his smaller partner within seconds.
A comforting embrace ensued, "Hisoka? It's okay, it's only a nightmare. I won't let Muraki get you. It's okay."
The younger relaxed into the embrace, welcoming it gratefully. The hotel room was dark and dank, frighteningly so, plus they had just ended another mission. One dealing with a rape victim and bringing back unwelcome memories.
"Tsuzuki…" Hisoka whimpered, sounding so tiny and needy, unlike his normal cold demeanor.
"I'm here, Hisoka."
"Tsuzuki?"
"Aah-Wha… What? Hisoka?" he blinked up at his partner stupidly, probably since he'd just been asleep. "Wha-at's wrong?"
"You were having a nightmare." Hisoka stated simply, staring down at the man on the bed.
Smiling tiredly, Tsuzuki yawned, "Oh? Was I? I'm sorry, must've disturbed you… g'night…"
He attempted to roll over and go back to sleep, despite the ache in his gut he'd received from the grotesque images of blood drenched roses and mangled bodies. Suddenly, something brushed against his shoulder. Opening wide amethyst-eyes, Tsuzuki searched for the intruder.
Hisoka had eased himself onto the bed and was now resting his hand on the other's shoulder. His face was inches from his partner's, causing a deep blush to spread across his pale cheeks.
"Baka." he muttered, keeping his own green eyes trained on the purple, "You don't have to be alone, okay?"
"Okay, sankyuu 'Soka." Tsuzuki smiled at the boy, pulling him closer for the extra security. He knew it would cause him to blush even more, but right now the man needed this. Hisoka kept the nightmares away.
Something was wrong, very wrong. This had never happened in the history of my entire partnership with the man. It was appalling. Tsuzuki Asato had turned down a slice of apple pie.
I stared at my partner with a cold gaze, attempting to break through his shields and uncover a little of what he was thinking. However, after fifteen minutes of constant staring, Tsuzuki caught on and simply raised his shields a bit more. I sulked the rest of the day.
It probably hurt him, but at the moment I didn't care. It was his damn fault, he wasn't letting me in, he wouldn't let me help him. It was all Tsuzuki's fault.
I was being unfair, I didn't know what was hurting him and it could've been anything. Hell, it could've been me that made him upset. Maybe I said or did something that caused him pain or sadness. My emerald eyes trained their cold stare upon the pile of documents that needed to be done. I swore under my breath before letting my head hit the desk.
I hit it a little harder than intended, so when I let out a hiss of pain and irritation, Tsuzuki was immediately at my side. The idiot.
"Hisoka, are you okay?" he asked, voice laced with worry on my behalf.
His hand was on my shoulder, so I shrugged it off and lifted my head. "Baka, I'm fine."
I half expected him to whine or place his hand back on my shoulder, but neither occurred. He didn't even scold me for saying I'm fine when I wasn't. Well, what did he know? Tsuzuki did none of these, instead he walked back to his desk and resumed his task of staring out the window. His amethyst optics glazed over in deep thought.
My lower lip trembled involuntarily, my teeth biting down upon it to prevent further signs of my depression over this simple matter. I buried myself back into the mountains of paperwork for another two hours before rising and leaving the room. He didn't notice.
Well screw him then.
"'Soka! C'mon! The bakery opened half an hour ago! We're late!" Tsuzuki called desperately, looking behind him at his younger partner.
Hisoka rolled his eyes, "Baka. I don't see the point in this. You're going to get some sweets, eat them, go to work, then eat the sweets in the break room. Just wait until we get to work."
"Awww… but 'Soka, it's no fun then!" he whined, pulling a pathetic inu-look.
Despite Hisoka's previous argument, he allowed himself to be dragged to the bakery and watch his partner indulge himself in a chocolate cake. At eight in the morning too.
"Hisoka, you want some?" Tsuzuki asked, waving a forkful in his face.
The boy scowled, "No."
"It's good! Besides you haven't eaten anything all day! It's not healthy to skip breakfast!" he pointed out.
Arching an eyebrow, Hisoka replied evenly: "It's not healthy to eat a whole chocolate cake for breakfast either. Anyway, you know I never eat breakfast."
"No wonder you're so grumpy all the time, then."
Choosing to ignore his partner's statement, Hisoka resolved to staring out the window while Tsuzuki ate his cake. The purple-eyed Shinigami pouted for a while at the boy's non-responsive behavior. Suddenly he brightened with an idea.
"Hey, Hisoka?" he asked, poising his forkful of warm, chocolaty goodness.
"Wha-" The poor boy didn't even finish his reply of 'What?' before the sickeningly sweet dessert was shoved into his open mouth.
Hisoka gagged upon swallowing the cake, not expecting it's entrance. After regaining his composure, Hisoka glared at the seemingly innocent Tsuzuki.
"Baka! Why the hell did you do that!" he shouted.
Tsuzuki winked, "Becaaaauuusse!"
"Because why?"
"Because you're my partner." he grinned, taking another bite of cake himself before continuing, "And it is my duty to make sure you are kept nourished!" Another bite of cake was in the boy's face, "Open wide!"
Hisoka blushed furiously and batted the fork away like a cat would to a piece of yarn. He didn't dare open his mouth to speak again, the outcome would not be in his favor. Tsuzuki noticed this and whimpered, his eyes tearing up at the rejection. Both stared at each other, one fuming and the other whining.
The contest didn't last long.
"Fine!" Hisoka gave up, crossing his arms and allowing Tsuzuki the joy of getting him to eat.
"Yay! Sankyuu 'Soka-chan!" Tsuzuki chirped, feeding his partner himself with a giddy smile. Hisoka merely continued blushing from embarrassment.
After the ordeal, the pair of shinigamis found themselves walking side by side towards EnMaCho. Both were strangely content, even with the scene they'd created at the bakery.
"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki ventured to break the silence.
Said boy looked up at his partner, "Yes?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
Tsuzuki beamed at the confused Hisoka, then brought his face quite close to the other's. "For everything."
Suddenly, he was gone, having teleported to their office building, leaving Hisoka bright red in the face again. For a moment, he simply stood there in a stunned frame of mind. Then he broke free and quickly teleported to the office to yell at his partner.
He didn't know I was there, he never did.
Every afternoon right after our lunch break, Tsuzuki would disappear for an hour or so before reappearing in our office for more work. The first three times I assumed he was goofing off, but by the fourth time I was half irritated and half concerned.
I had searched the whole Shokan division for him, he wasn't in any of his usual hiding places. It was when I passed the door that was normally closed and I found it open did I think to peer inside.
Tsuzuki had been standing a few feet away from a door, the only other thing in that room. I didn't know this room was even here so it was safe to guess that I didn't know where the door led. He never opened it though, he just stared at it for an hour and then left. He never once looked at me. I followed him there every day after that, just watching him.
Finally, after two weeks of just watching, I asked Watari what the door was.
"The door? You mean the one in the room down the hall?" the genki scientist inquired further while jotting some notes down on a scrap of paper.
I nodded, "Yeah, that one. Where does it lead?"
"Why, it's the door that allows us shinigami to pass on. We go through that door and we cease to exist. Why did you want to know, bon? Something wrong?"
"N-no, nothing's wrong." I stammered, clearly uncomfortable with my discovery, "I-I was just curious… that's all."
"Oh, okay!" Watari seemed too absorbed in his work to notice my paled face and lack of an appropriate answer.
My heart was heavy each time I followed him from that day on. An ache formed in the pit of my stomach each time I watched him stare at the door. I cried silently each time I took in the desire in his eyes, felt his desire to walk through that door but also the fear of what was waiting beyond it.
I never saw or felt what he thought if I were to discover this, if I were to find him gone one day. That scared me. The thought of not having Tsuzuki by my side as we worked, or his pathetic attempts to get me to eat sweets, or his comfort when I had a nightmare, or not having our occasional strolls through the sakura or the park, the thought of not having Tsuzuki scared me.
I had failed him. I was supposed to be the one to keep him here, I had asked, no, begged for him to stay with me because I needed him. Then I just went about like everything was normal. But so did he! It wasn't fair!
"'Soka?"
And when he came back from each session of door gazing, he was hyper and giddy and just like how he was before Kyoto. And I allowed it. I never brought it up and I never tried to talk to him about it. It made me sick how pathetic and weak I was being.
"Hisoka?"
I should just tell him. Tell him how much I need him, how much I crave for the nights of memories that haunt me just so I could have him with me, how much I enjoy his company, and how much I find our arguments and debates entertaining as well as endearing. But no, I'm too afraid to admit that, even to myself. I can't come to depend so much on one person only to have them leave me. Too bad I already have.
"Hisoka!"
"What?" my voice cracked, surprising me slightly, I had been in deep thought so I hadn't noticed the wet trails I felt on my cheeks, or the lump in my throat, or the fact that Tsuzuki's face was merely inches from my own.
"Hisoka, are you okay? You're crying…" Tsuzuki murmured softly, deeply concerned and confused about my condition. He lifted a hand to brush away the tears that were continuously streaming down my face.
Batting away his hand, I attempted to scowl but did not have the desired effect. Out of habit, I mumbled, "I'm fine… baka…"
"Anyone could see, even for miles, that you aren't fine. What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Tsuzuki questioned further, gently thumbing away the tears that continued to spill.
I only sobbed harder, clutching my shoulders in an attempt to silence myself or stop the shaking. It also kept me from embracing him. "I-I can't…"
"You can't what?" he pressed further, placing his other hand on my knee. "Tell me."
"I can't!" I cried, my anger, frustration, fear, and misery mingled together. "I just can't!"
Tsuzuki appeared crestfallen, "Why?"
I didn't answer right away, so he continued, sounding completely rejected. "Why won't you tell me? Don't you trust me?"
My heart dropped and I gave into my desire to be cradled by him. I flung my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder. I berated myself for getting his shirt wet from the water that poured from my eyes.
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed into his shoulder, "I'm sorry!"
He didn't return the embrace, he just waited out my hysterics. But by lack of comfort and reassurance emanating from him, it only took longer for my sobs to cease.
"I'm sorry…" I mumbled, tightening my hold on him as if he would disappear at any second.
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because… I-I do trust you… but… I'm scared…" I answered meekly, not lifting my head.
His voice was grave, "Hisoka, why are you scared? Why are you acting like this?"
"Because I don't want you to go away… I'm scared that you'll be gone…"
It was now that my embrace was returned. Tsuzuki hugged me close, burying his face in my hair and rubbing my back. "Don't worry, Hisoka. I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
I relaxed and calmed down considerably at those words, basking in Tsuzuki's warmth and concern and affection. I wanted him to be there for me like now. I wanted him to continue to love me, the way I did for him. I wasn't sure when I'd realized I loved him, or when I'd finally accepted it. But now all I wanted was to love him and be loved back. But that's selfish. But he said he wouldn't leave me, he promised that.
Deep down… I knew he was lying.
"Tsuzuki?" Hisoka tilted his head in confusion at the sight before him.
His partner was hunched over his desk, his face buried in his arms and concealing his face. He didn't reply, but his shoulders were shaking and muffled sobs could be heard.
"Tsuzuki?" the boy stepped closer to him, tentatively reaching out a hand to comfort him with. "Tsuzuki, what are you doing?"
Tsuzuki lifted his head, revealing red-rimmed eyes wet with tears. A sudden wave of despair and misery washed over Hisoka's empathy at the sight of this and he shifted uncomfortably. The purple-eyed shinigami rubbed at his eyes, trying to wipe away any trace of his sadness.
"Oh, Hisoka, hey." he tried his best to smile, "I'm just… just doing some paperwork."
"No you're not." Hisoka stated simply, frowning at his partner.
Tsuzuki's smile faltered, "I was just thinking about how I don't have any desserts. I need my desserts, but sometimes they're not there when I need them. I like having my desserts around-"
His ranting on desserts was cut off when a hand caressed the side of his face, getting rid of the stray tears he'd failed to get himself. Surprised purple eyes met intense green. Somewhere during Tsuzuki's explanation, Hisoka's face had gotten quite close to the other's.
"Baka…" he whispered, his hand lingering on Tsuzuki's cheek, "Is dessert all you think about?"
"No… and I lied… I wasn't thinking about how I didn't have desserts… But I was thinking about not having something equally as sweet." Even through his tears, Tsuzuki's eyes managed to twinkle mischievously.
Hisoka blushed before he even heard the answer, "What's that?"
"You."
"Tatsumi, it's time. I'm ready."
I looked on, helpless as my beloved partner bid farewell to all our co-workers. He received a hug from Watari, Wakaba, Saya, and Yuma, a pat on the shoulder from Tatsumi and Konoe, a respectful nod from Terazuma, a tearful handshake with the GuShoShin twins, and nothing from me.
I made no advance towards him before he left the room where everyone had gathered to say goodbye. He'd given me a fleeting glance of rejection, slight anger, apology, and love before replacing it with a wink.
"Don't miss me too much!" he called, trying to be cheerful, but failing miserably.
"Tsu-zu-ki!" Saya and Yuma sobbed, clinging to each other.
Watari brushed away his tears, "G-good luck… Tsuzuki."
Tatsumi nodded solemnly, tears brimming his eyes now too, "Behave yourself Tsuzuki, don't get into any trouble. And… and take care."
Tsuzuki smiled, then hugged his former partner before turning to leave the room. No one followed him, he was supposed to leave alone. However, before he left, he turned to look at me.
"Hisoka…" he paused, searching for the right thing to say, "I-I'm sorry. But, I'm sure you'll find a new partner soon. Be good, and-and…"
He didn't know what else to say, so he merely ruffled my hair and smiled before turning his back on me and walking away. I stared after him for a moment, too stunned to do anything. Then I was running down the hall, to the room he'd gone to after every lunch. Someone called me back, but I didn't listen.
"Tsuzuki!" I shouted, flinging myself at him as he reached for the doorknob.
"Hisoka? What-" he started, clearly surprised and unnerved by this.
I clutched his arm, "Wait! Please don't go! Please!"
Tsuzuki tried to pull his arm out of my grasp, but pulled me along with it. "Hisoka." he spoke sadly, as if disappointed by my behavior. "I have to."
"No! No, you promised!" I shrieked into his trench coat, "You promised not to leave!"
"I'm sorry." his voice was stern and exasperated, "But I have to. I'm tired. I've had enough."
He did sound tired, but I didn't care. All I wanted was for him to stay, I didn't care that it was selfish of me. I didn't. "Tsuzuki…"
My grip slackened and he chose that moment to pull away and enter the room. I followed, desperately thinking of some way to stop him. There had to be something! But… there wasn't one.
"Goodbye, Hisoka. I love you." he smiled tenderly at me before facing the door to the other side and opening it.
I watched in horror as he took a step towards it. Then another. Right before he entered the void completely, my hand shot out and snatched the sleeve of his trench coat. It didn't stop him, he continued walking.
"Tsuzuki!" I cried, closing my eyes and tightening my grip on the coat.
I was kneeling on the ground, one arm propping me up and the other holding the trench coat. I heard a gentle click. I couldn't believe it. For a split second, my heart soared with happiness. The coat was still in my hands, meaning he'd stopped and shut the door. He was still here.
"Tsuzuki, I love you too." I blurted out, too overwhelmed by my joy to sound nervous by my confession.
I raised my face to meet his, to see his reaction to what I'd just told him. My emerald optics longed to meet his amethyst in that moment. But it was short lived.
My gaze fell upon emptiness. My confession fell upon deaf ears. My blush unseen. My love unfelt. My heart sank.
But, I was holding his coat! Glancing down, I realized the coat was still in my grasp. It had slipped off him. He was gone. My partner, my family, the only one that had opened me up and broke my cold shield, my life, my love. My everything. Tsuzuki was gone.
He was gone.
Yet… he was still here.
I'm not sure what Tatsumi and the others must've thought when they found me on the floor of that little room, cradling the coat in my arms and burying my face in it. My sobs fading into the fabric that had the scent of him on it. In my hysterical frame of mind, that coat was Tsuzuki.
It was raining, well, storming was more appropriate for the blackened sky that drowned the earth in rain and emitted loud shattering thunder and blaring lightening.
Hisoka hated storms.
Rain he could deal with, but storms were different. When it rained, it was as if the sky was crying whether it was happy or sad, Hisoka didn't know, but it was comforting to know that other things could be miserable or joyous. When it stormed, it was angry and bitter and sardonic. It was frightening.
It was why he was outside in the middle of it all.
If he was outside when the angry winds came, then he couldn't be alone, scared, and lost in his house where it was dark and no one came for him. He wanted to be seen, even if it meant sitting outside in the middle of a thunderstorm with an umbrella or jacket.
He sneezed. Great, now he was getting himself sick. Not only was he not mentally well or stable at the moment, he wouldn't be physically well either. Another sneeze followed by a shudder.
Not many people were outside, the only ones who were walked right past him without a passing glance and were all focused on getting to their warm houses. Even if it meant being alone. To Hisoka, being cold, wet, and sick was much better than being alone.
Seated upon a cold, wet bench, Hisoka barely paid any attention to the fact that this would just make him wetter. Right now, he just wanted to be seen. He wanted to exist to someone, even if they didn't really care. As long as they saw him, it would be enough.
"Hisoka?"
Lifting his head, wheat colored locks dripping into his clouded green eyes. The familiar figure of Tsuzuki entered his vision, dressed in his normal office attire along with his trench coat and an umbrella.
Placing a hand on the boy's shoulder, Tsuzuki cast him a concerned glance, "Hisoka, there you are. I've been looking for you. Why are you out here in the rain? And without a jacket or umbrella?"
Hisoka shrugged, the warm hand slipping off his shoulder in the process. The older of the two frowned, leaving the other to finally give in. "I-I wanted to be seen…"
"Oh…" Tsuzuki understood what he meant, he always did. "That still doesn't explain why you're without something suitable to keep the rain off you. Here." Soon Hisoka found the large, warm trench coat about his shoulders. He pulled it around tightly, appreciating the small gesture for a moment's time. "You should really take better care of yourself-"
"I'm not a little kid." he spoke coldly, glaring at the man, "I didn't ask for your help."
Hisoka stood, but wobbled slightly, letting the coat fall off and he stormed off.
Tsuzuki gazed sadly at the fallen article of clothing, then in one swift motion picked it up and placed it upon Hisoka's shoulders once more. "I know you're not a little kid, but that won't keep me from wanting to take care of you when I can."
"Why?" he spat bitterly at his partner, continuing to walk briskly with the older man keeping up easily.
"Because you're my partner." Tsuzuki smiled kindly at him, "How many times do I have to tell you that, silly?"
"As many times as you want." Hisoka replied, slowing his pace to a more relaxed one, secretly enjoying the feeling of Tsuzuki on the jacket that enveloped his small frame.
Tsuzuki stared at Hisoka, beaming now because he caught the hidden message in the boy's words. 'As many times as you want.' was just a way of Hisoka telling Tsuzuki that he liked hearing that.
As long as Hisoka liked hearing that, Tsuzuki would say it.
"My partner."
I had nightmares before, but they hadn't been bothering that much. It was partly because I was slowly healing my scars, that my abusive past was fading from my horrors. Yet, it was mostly because I knew Tsuzuki would be there for me. Even if he wasn't with me when the nightmare occurred, I knew in a few hours I'd see him. It gave me closure. Well, when I had good nights and my dreams weren't filled with me actually feeling the pain and awakening with my heart and head throbbing. But he would be there at the office the next morning and just knowing that would calm me down.
I figured, as long as I told myself this, that the nightmares would fade once I'd awaken. After the first three attempts, I came to a conclusion that this way of thinking wasn't working. I knew I wouldn't see him in the office eating sweets or whining about paperwork or chiding me on not sleeping and eating properly. I wouldn't see him.
This scared me even more then my nightmares of Muraki or Kyoto. Not having Tsuzuki to comfort me, help me, tease me, anger me, love me, or simply exist was what drove me over the edge.
I didn't sleep much, knowing that I wouldn't be able to calm down at all if I had a nightmare or even a memory of me with my beloved partner I'd crumble. This worried my co-workers, specifically Tatsumi and Watari.
"Bon, you don't look so good. Want to rest in the infirmary a bit? Maybe take a break?" Watari asked me tentatively, observing my wearing form.
I glared at him, "No. I'm fine."
"Kurosaki, it's obvious you're not well right now. Go home, get some rest." Tatsumi instructed me.
I glanced between the genki scientist and money-hungry secretary, "But I-"
"No buts." they chimed together, giving me stern looks, "Go home."
I hated home. It was so empty and cold, there was nothing there to keep my mind off Tsuzuki except those damned plants that he gave me. Which reminded me of him instantly, so I'd given up on daydreaming about those.
Tatsumi and Watari sent me home everyday practically, they could tell I wasn't sleeping, eating, or over the passing of my partner. It had only been two weeks after all.
So, why on this particular day I decided to go through and sort everything in my house, I don't know but I did. This led to me cleaning out my closet, which ended with me stumbling on a piece of clothing that was rather large and hidden in the back. I picked it up and immediately recognized the material. It was Tsuzuki's coat.
After collapsing on the ground and clinging to the said clothing, Watari and Tatsumi confiscated the coat. They told me that it was unhealthy for me to hold onto it like that and said it was better if they disposed of it. Both had sounded very remorseful about this. They said they would dispose of it, yet here it was in my closet.
I'm not sure how long I gazed at it, taking in it's scent, feel, and emotions that had been left over by Tsuzuki, but it was a while. When I broke from my trance, it was dark and I was scared. Pulling the coat on, I realized how big it actually was but also how much more content I was wearing it. With it on, I could calmly walk through my darkened house and turn on a light. No flailing, fumbling, or shrieking. Just, normal. I liked this.
I found that wearing this, I could eat without throwing it back up or choking on it. It felt as if Tsuzuki were here with me, so naturally I felt obligated to eat so he wouldn't bother me about it later on.
Placing the coat on the chair on the handle of my door, I decided to risk sleeping. I assumed that having the coat in the same room would make me feel better. Wrong yet again in this assumption.
I awoke drenched in sweat and screaming for Tsuzuki. He wasn't coming, so I was reduced to tears. Pathetic. I continued sobbing, hating myself for letting him slip away. Suddenly I felt myself scramble from the bed and grab the coat. Snuggling back under the covers, I clutched the trench coat tightly, sobbing into the material as if it were Tsuzuki. The next thing I knew, it was morning and I was in bed with the coat beside me.
Everyday after that, I wore the trench coat. Watari had looked concerned, Wakaba had appeared frightened, Terazuma arched an eyebrow but was indifferent otherwise, Tatsumi looked on sadly, the GuShoShin twins had gasped and started at me, and Konoe tried to ignore it.
I didn't care if they found it strange that I had found the damn thing and was wearing it, even if it was really big on me, it was comforting.
"An odd source of comfort though, eh Bon?" Watari had inquired once I'd explained.
I had no reply other than to isolate myself from him and the rest of the office. One thing that made the coat different from Tsuzuki, was that it was having me unlearn everything Tsuzuki had bothered to teach me about caring and opening up. I didn't care though. Why should I? It wasn't as if Tsuzuki was actually here to say: "Hisoka, you know better." or "Hisoka! C'mon, don't be a meanie!" Oh yeah, another thing, the coat didn't talk to me.
I never went to sleep with coat, it got too hot and I wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyway. So, I'd leave on the floor within easy reach. When I'd wake up from nightmares, I would only have to reach down and hug the coat close to me and be lulled back to a dreamless sleep.
"Hisoka… I think you're becoming too clingy with that coat." Wakaba told me shyly, leaving without waiting for a response.
Oh well, I wouldn't have given her one anyway.
"I said I don't want it!" Hisoka shouted, whether it was at Tsuzuki or Wakaba no one could tell. "Get that crap away from me!"
Obviously his patience had been tested, Tsuzuki frowned at this. "'Soka, no need to be so rude. Wakaba put a lot of effort into this cake."
"Don't call me 'Soka! And I hate cake! You know that and Wakaba knows that, so just shut up about it!" he concluded, crossing his arms defiantly.
Tsuzuki sighed, giving up the battle of feeding his partner. "Fine. You could at least apologize to Wakaba then."
"No."
"Hisoka-" Tsuzuki started, surprised at the cold answer he received, however he was cut off by Wakaba herself.
"It's okay, Tsuzuki, really. He doesn't need to apologize." she reasoned lightly, though obviously uncomfortable.
Tsuzuki shook his head, "Yes he does. Hisoka, apologize to Wakaba."
"No." Hisoka remained defiant, staring at the pair evenly.
Tsuzuki was now the one losing patience, "Hisoka, apologize right now!"
"I said 'No'!" he stated firmly, watching as his partner rose from his seat.
"Say 'Sorry' right now dammit!" the older of the two had raised his voice to a volume that was slightly frightening.
Hisoka had flinched visibly, squeezing his eyes shut and bracing himself as if expecting a beating. When he received none, he tentatively opened his eyes to see a now calm Tsuzuki and a concerned Wakaba, plus the rest of the division was now staring at the scene.
Gulping, the boy managed to speak softly, "Sorry, Wakaba."
"It's okay Hisoka." she smiled sweetly at him before leaving the room and ushering the others out as well. The swarm of emotions had overwhelmed him, leading to Hisoka laying his head on the desk and breathing loudly.
"Hisoka?"
"What!" he asked bitterly, not appreciating what his partner had just done.
Tsuzuki was by his side now, placing a hand on his shoulder. Waves of gratefulness, happiness, relief, worry, fear, and disappointment rushed in. "Thank you."
"For what?" Hisoka was confused, lifting his head from the desk.
Tsuzuki smiled, all traces of frustration gone from his face, "For staying. No one's ever stayed."
"What does that have to do with this?"
"Well…" he pondered for a moment, drawing out the moment, "You let me help you open yourself up to more feelings and dealing with other people. Even if you didn't like it, you didn't threaten to leave or anything, so thanks."
Hisoka said nothing, but watched his partner of five weeks cross the room and sit down. He didn't say anything for the remainder of the day… well, until Tsuzuki began begging for pie.
"Kurosaki."
"What?" my voice was testy, bitter, and aggravated. I was scaring people now, even Tatsumi who flinched at my harsh tone. Let them be scared. I don't care. I don't.
"Kurosaki." he continued, pushing his glasses up, "We need to have a chat about your clinginess to that coat."
I arched an eyebrow, "What about Tsuzuki's coat?"
"I'm not sure how you got it back… but Watari and I feel the need to take it back. It's clearly affecting you in a way that's not positive-"
"No!" I screamed, cutting him off, "No! I need this! It's the only thing left I have of his! Why are you so bent on tearing him away from me!"
Tatsumi frowned at my tone, "Kurosaki, we did not tear him away from you. He did that himself. It's time for you accept that Tsuzuki will not be coming back. He's gone. It's hard on all of us, not just you, so please… try to move on. He'd want you to."
"How do you know what he'd want!" I cried, my eyes stinging as I clutched the massive trench coat about my small frame. "Would he want to be forgotten! I don't think so!"
"We're not forgetting him. We're moving on. It's been a month, Kurosaki, time to let go." he was still so calm, how could he be so fucking calm!
I banged my fist on the desktop and neither of us spoke. Hot, angry tears ran down my face, leaving a salty taste on my lips. I rubbed at them hastily, keeping my gaze away from Tatsumi's as he began speaking again, breaking the tense silence.
"Compose yourself soon, you're new partner is arriving tomorrow." he informed me, his own voice cracking. Probably because he'd always thought of Tsuzuki as my partner, now he wasn't.
Guilt suddenly wracked my body, my outburst had been uncalled for. Of course all these people loved and cared for Tsuzuki, just like me. I was being selfish again. New tears had formed and began their own paths and I made no effort to stop them. But a new partner? Couldn't they see I didn't want a new partner? I wanted Tsuzuki.
I wanted Tsuzuki. I wanted him.
I said nothing more the remainder of the day, only shrugging off the concern from Wakaba and Watari. I left early, having not accomplished anything that day. I took the long way home, wanting as much time to think as possible. Also, the long way was Tsuzuki's favorite path home.
It was littered with different breeds of flowers, trees, and had a very beautiful traditional style to it. But that wasn't why Tsuzuki liked it so much. Basically, the long way home meant walking through the park which meant ice cream vendors. I shook my head at the thought of Tsuzuki bouncing around me and begging for money for an ice cream. Then once he had it, he would occasionally try to force feed it to me. Without really thinking about it, I let a small smirk of amusement slip onto my lips.
"'Soka! Can I have an ice cream? Pleeeeeeaaasse!"
"Baka…" I whispered, only loud enough for me to hear, but maybe he could too.
"Is that a yes? Please be a yes!"
Looking up to the sky, I tried to keep the tears at bay, "It's whatever you want it to be, baka."
"Yay! Sankyuu 'Soka-chan! I love you!"
I could almost feel his arms wrap around me, sheltering me with that playful hug that always annoyed me and made me blush. Whenever he said 'those three words' my blush would deepen.
"Your welcome, Tsuzuki…" I murmured, feeling cold and empty as soon as the embrace faded, "I love you too."
I half expected to hear a laugh or cheer, but silence met my ears. A gust of wind blew by and I shivered, pulling the coat around me protectively and dearly. I craved it's warmth now that his was gone.
Honestly, if I had actually been talking to him, he would've fallen over in shock at my reply. Then he'd pester me about if I really meant it. Normally, I would've blushed, yelled, and hit him on the head, not necessarily in that order. He would then start pulling the pathetic puppy look and crying and saying that I didn't love him. Then I'd give him the ice cream.
"Awww! 'Soka-chan does love Tsu-chan!"
Then our walk would resume in complete silence, except for the sound of my partner licking and slurping at the ice cream. I'd roll my eyes and try to ignore him, it never worked.
I blinked repetitively, staring at the door to my apartment building. I had been too caught up in reminiscing that I hadn't noticed my arrival. Sighing and cursing my spacing out, I entered the building and continued up to my floor.
Once arriving within my apartment, I let out a breath, still mentally berating myself for being so stupid and dazed. I could've walked out in front of a car or into Muraki for all I knew!
"I'd never let anything bad happen to you Hisoka."
I shook my head again, and busied myself by getting some tea. I'd have my favorite, jasmine… jasmine… oh! I can't remember the name right now, but that's not important. I opened the cabinet where I kept my tea and gulped upon discovery. I only had his favorite.
Only Tsuzuki's favorite tea was in my near bare cupboard. I'd been forgetting to go to the store for groceries. He always reminded me when to go, so I'd never found it difficult remembering. Now I was.
"Oh well…" I muttered, reaching for the tea bags, "Nothing wrong with this kind."
"I'll always protect you. I promise."
"Then where are you?" I replied absently, still too dazed to tell the difference between reality and my thoughts. The coat was sliding off my shoulders so I tugged on it.
Turning the stove on, I let that kettle full of water to sit for a few moments. I toyed with the mug I'd gotten and the tea bag as I waited for the kettle to whistle. I began humming, something Tsuzuki had done often. I can't remember the name of the song, but Tsuzuki had loved it.
It wasn't until my hand was blistering and red hot did I realize the kettle was whistling and my hand was burning. Thinking about it now, I suppose I should've cared more.
After placing my scalding hand under the cool water running from the faucet, I stared blankly out the window. Not that there was anything worth looking at, it was just… habit…
Tsuzuki liked to stare out the window, especially at work, but I don't think he'd see anything. He was just thinking and staring outside. Strange, but at least a better cover-up than when I was thinking. I stared at a wall. You can never say 'Oh, I was admiring the wall and it's wonderful paint job.' No one believes that. But they do believe 'It's such a pretty day today, I was just admiring the flowers and trees. I can never get enough of it. Ne, Hisoka? Let's go get some pie!' Tatsumi believed it, Watari believed it, everyone did. Including me.
I never did drink my tea.
"Tsuzuki?" Hisoka looked unsure of himself, discomfort evident in his emerald pools even if he was looking at the desk top.
Glancing up at his partner, Tsuzuki replied: "Ne, what is it Hisoka?"
"Do… do you…" the tawny-haired boy shifted in his seat, still not meeting amethyst eyes, "Do you think…"
Tsuzuki tilted his head to the side in confusion, "Do I think…?"
Hisoka sent him a glare, but it didn't have the effect he desired. It faded quickly. "Do you think… after work… we could, umm, go and… get some… some pie?"
Tsuzuki gaped at Hisoka, his mouth hanging open and eyes blinking rapidly. In a flash, he was at the empath's side and feeling his forehead while said boy glared and batted the hand away. "Hisoka, are you feeling alright?"
"Baka." Hisoka scoffed, frowning at his partner, "I'm fine. It's you who isn't feeling alright. You haven't asked, begged, or pleaded for any sweets in three days. Either something's wrong or it's the apocalypse."
Tsuzuki blinked for a moment, taking in Hisoka's words. Suddenly a grin spread out upon his tanned face, "Aww! 'Soka-chan's worried about me! Cute!"
Hisoka blushed crimson, scooting away from his chibi-fied partner and stammering, "B-baka-!"
"Thank you 'Soka! And yes, let's go to the place in Nagasaki! You know, the one with the good apple pie! But then all pies are good, but these are just really mmmm! I can't wait!" Tsuzuki was now in puppy mode and wagging his tail quite quickly, eyes wide and taking in a flustered Hisoka. "'Soka-a! Let's go now! Pleeeeaaase?"
"Fine, fine. Just stop smothering me." Hisoka grumbled, rising from his chair and watching Tsuzuki bound from the office and out the door. "What have I done?"
"Hiiiiiiisssssooooookkkaaaaaaaa!"
"Coming! ……..baka!"
It had happened so fast, that I barely had time for my brain to register his name before I was left partner less again. Let's just say I hadn't been too friendly with him. He had smiled at me and introduced himself as… I can't remember, but not like it matters, then waited for me to take his outstretched hand. I glared at him and said: "I'm a shinigami who has a partner and you're not him." That was all I said before storming away.
He left two days later.
Watari came by Tsuzuki and mine's office regularly now, sometimes to talk, offer me the position of 'guinea pig', or try to console me. No matter what we started discussing, he always brought up that damn coat. Why wouldn't they just give it a rest?
"Bon, really, Tsuzuki would want you to move on." Watari tried to explain, but I ignored him, "He wouldn't want you to end up like him, never having a partner for more than three months-"
"I still have a partner." I growled, jotting away notes on my case files.
The scientist shook his head, "No, Noriko Arashima left yesterday."
"Who?"
He sighed, clearly exasperated by my behavior, "Never mind. Point is, please stop clinging to the small hope that he might come back. Because-"
"What did you just say?" I perked up. Did Watari just say that Tsuzuki could come back?
"Hmm? Me? I don't know what you're talking about." the genki scientist faked innocence, but appeared slightly nervous, "I was just saying, give up the coat. Please."
"No, before that." I growled, my patience wearing thin, "You said there was hope Tsuzuki could come back. What do you mean?"
He sighed, "Bon… maybe… maybe there was a way to bring him back… but not anymore. I'm not sure, but I believe the 'other side' has some ties to Meifu. I think they can look in on us, if they want to that is… not every soul wants to see what they lost. That's just a theory though, so I wouldn't count on it being true. But please, don't depend on the coat so much. It may have belonged to Tsuzuki, but it's not him."
With that, Watari left the office and sauntered back to his lab. It was then that I noticed all my co-workers seemed… less than lively. For one, Yuma and Saya hadn't shown up at all and it was summer, Wakaba didn't bake as much or at all, Terazuma was quieter, Tatsumi was stoic, Watari wasn't as genki, and Konoe was solemn. Things had changed and I didn't appreciate the sudden swarm of depression that flooded my senses.
I couldn't stay here. Not now. Tightening the coat, I quickly teleported out of the office to the sakura trees outside. At first, my pace was brisk, but it slowed considerably as my thoughts focused on Tsuzuki.
"Tsuzuki…" I whispered, wondering if Watari's theory was correct, "Please… give me some indication that you're listening."
I stood still now, waiting for any little sign that he could communicate some way with me. The wind continued to blow gently, reminding me of a sweet caress.
"Tsuzuki?" I dared not breath, my hope escalading.
Lowering my shields slightly, I assumed that I could pick up some kind of emotion from my partner. Anything. I remained motionless for another half hour before giving up and replacing the shields that hid my empathy. I berated myself. Watari had said it was only a theory. And only a theory it would remain.
"What do you think of love letters?"
Hisoka cast his partner a skeptical glance, confused as to why he'd ask that. "I think that they're pointless. Only stupid, giggling school girls would bother with such a thing. I mean, what can you say in a letter that you can't say in person? Love letters are pointless."
"Oh." Tsuzuki's face seemed to falter for a moment, but suddenly his sheepish grin took back it's rightful place on his lips. "Yeah, they are pointless. But I know something that isn't! Cake! Lets go get some cake, 'Soka!"
The man bounded out of the room, trying to be discreet about the envelope he slipped in his pocket. Hisoka noticed though. He also noticed that there was something written on it that started with an 'H'. Shaking if off, he rose and went off in search of his partner. Tatsumi's shouts were probably a clue.
I woke with a shudder, my eyes glassy and tear filled, sweat drenching my lithe form. I desperately flung my arm out to the side, groping for the familiar material of Tsuzuki's trench coat. It wasn't there.
I tried to relax, but my now fading dream came back to mind. For once, in my dream, someone didn't die… but it was disturbing just the same.
Tsuzuki was sitting on a park bench, looking thoughtful as he stabbed his fork into a cinnamon bun. I watched with curiosity before walking over to him. I was surprised to see him, he was supposed to be gone. I was still glad to see him.
He was without his trench coat, which puzzled me, until I realized that I was wearing it. I smirked inwardly, wonder what he'd think if he saw me wearing this? He'd probably laugh.
I was mere inches from him, but he had yet to notice me. He was otherwise occupied at the moment, content with staring out at nothing. I frowned, then hit him lightly on the head, startling him.
"Baka… where've you been?" I inquired, narrowing my eyes, but only teasing.
He blinked up at me for a moment, taking in my appearance before showing his displeasure. "Hisoka…" his voice was stern, it was my turn to blink.
"Tsuzuki?" I asked, my eyes widening at his intense gaze.
His frown deepened, "Hisoka, what're you doing? You're not eating, barely sleeping, and you're constantly wearing that. Plus, you're being cold and irritable again. Why?"
"You have the nerve to ask me why? I don't feel like being civil, that's all. And what's wrong with this? It's yours!" He'd been speaking about the trench coat, I tugged on it protectively.
Tsuzuki remained impassive, "Exactly, it's mine. So why are you wearing it?"
"I-" I stopped, could I tell him why? Should I tell him why? 'Oh because I like to pretend it's you.' What kind of fucked up answer is that? "I… B-because I…"
He waited patiently, just sitting there and staring up at me with those amethyst eyes that seemed to drown me. I gulped, my breath shaky like my voice. My eyes were stinging. Why was he doing this?
"Because I… need to… I just need to. I-it reminds me… of you… s-so, I… I just thought I could…" I never finished my sentence, I was reduced to tears seconds after I began speaking. I hugged myself, trying to stop the shaking, then realized that my comfort was right in front of me. I reached out my trembling arms, trying to grasp him and embrace him.
Tsuzuki just stared at me, sadly. "Hisoka… this isn't good… I'm sorry I've done this to you."
"Wha-a-?" I couldn't even form a simple word, I was crying so much. "I-I-"
"Hisoka, look at yourself. You're pale, sickly, clingy, and… it's unhealthy. You need to move on. Please, for me?" Tsuzuki looked desperate now.
I shook my head frantically, "N-no! I-I can't! I just can't!"
Tsuzuki finally gave, he was losing the battle he had with himself. In one swift motion he was up and holding me close to him. My head against his chest, my fists balling up his shirt. He stroked my back until I calmed down, then removed the coat. I stared, unable to do anything. He placed it back on himself, it suited him better. I bit my lower lip so hard I think it started bleeding.
Tsuzuki cupped my quaking chin, then placed a soft kiss on my pale forehead. "Goodbye Hisoka, please… take care of yourself, don't shun the others."
"Tsuzuki…" I murmured, reaching out for him.
Then he was gone.
It was gone. The coat was gone. A wail of desperation rose in my throat along with bile and blood. I scrambled from the bed and frantically felt around in the dark. I searched my room, but there was no sign of it.
Where could have gone? Did Watari or Tatsumi take it? Or maybe… maybe Tsuzuki did take it back… I really hope he didn't. I really hope it's here still.
Leaving the bathroom, I enter the living room. Flip on light switch. Not there either. I'm hyperventilating and scolding myself at the same time. It's just a coat! You'll live!
But it was his coat.
As I exit the kitchen, I see a familiar spot of brown from the corner of my eyes. Whipping around to face it, I stared at the trench coat simply hanging on my coat rack. On the peg Tsuzuki always used. Shaking my head, I mentally kick myself for getting so worked up about something so stupid.
I grabbed the coat with such a force, that it caused something to flutter gently to the floor. An envelope. I glared at it, there hadn't been anything it that pocket earlier today… had there? Bending down, I grasp it lightly in my fingers and turn it over.
The name 'Hisoka' in bright green ink and perfectly scrawled meets my gaze.
My breath caught in my throat, it looked vaguely familiar. Curiosity getting the best of me, I gently peel open the flap and pull out a sheet of paper, all folded meticulously and written in the same ink and handwriting.
Dear Hisoka,
I wasn't really sure how to say this to you, but then again I'm not sure how to write it either. Although, I must admit, writing something down is a lot easier because there's no pressure then. Unless it's timed or something. Okay, I'm just rambling now. Let me get to the point.
Hisoka… do you remember when we first me? How you were pointing a gun to my head and I called you a kid and we seemingly hated each other? Heh, yeah… just reminiscing there…
Really, what I wanted to say was that… I… I love pie. It's so sweet and crumbly and yummy and I just- I just want to stop this rambling! I'm not even close to the subject of this letter! You're probably laughing at me now, or throwing the letter away. Well, knowing you it's the latter. You've never laughed before and being the same old baka I always am so how should that change anything? It shouldn't. So you're probably glaring right now. Or confused. You're cute when you're confused, you know that? But even more so when you're blushing!
Well, at least I'm getting closer to what this is about. Hisoka, you've had a rough past. Your parents disowned you, locked you away, Muraki raped, cursed, and killed you, you spent three years in a hospital room with no visitors. It's understandable that you wouldn't be trusting of us at first, or me. I'm surprised by how much progress you've made. You actually let me touch you, it means a lot to me, you know?
At first, I thought it was just because we were partners, I had a strong urge to protect you. But it only grew. It grew from partnership, to friendship, to familial love, to… to…
But I'm not sure if you feel the same way. To you, I might just be your partner and nothing else. I respect that and will think no more or less of you than I do now. Not like I could think anymore of you now anyway. Hisoka, to me… you're my everything. I care about you, worry, protect, tease, scold, hug, praise, and love. Yes, love, silly. I love you.
Wow, it took six paragraphs to get that out. But, yes Hisoka Kurosaki, I love you. You don't have to feel the same way, I can understand if you don't… but… please… I just don't want you to leave me. Even if you only think of me as a baka or a partner or even a friend, please stay with me. Because I love you, that's all.
Love always,
Tsuzuki 3
Tears were streaming down my face, I wasn't even sure if I had read the whole thing correctly due to the recent blindness I'd acquired. But he loved me. I mean, I kinda figured he did in some sense of the word, but still. Seeing it there on paper, he loved me. He told me, even if it was in a "pointless love letter", he told me and I'd never told him. Why!
I collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor, clinging to both the coat and the letter. He was gone, he was gone, he was gone, he was gone. I'd never see him again, never get the chance to say "I love you too", never call him baka, never watch him eat sweets ever again. Accepting this only made me cry harder.
"Why! Tsuzuki, why!" I screamed, pounding my fist into the floor. "It's not fair!"
"What's not?"
"T-this! Everything!" I rubbed hastily at my tears in a futile attempt to stop them. Didn't work.
"I'm sorry… You look terrible… is 'Soka-chan alright?"
"N-no!" I managed to choke out, my mind was spinning so fast that I couldn't distinguish what exactly was being said and who was saying it to me. For all I knew it could just be my mind again.
A pair of strong, warm arms wrapped around me, picking me up from the floor, "Poor 'Soka. I'm sorry, it's my fault isn't it?"
"No…" I had quieted a bit, relaxing in the embrace, enjoying the serenity of being cradled.
"Just relax now Hisoka, everything will be alright now. I promise."
"I love you."
I think I heard a chuckle after the long silence, but I'm not sure. I was too tired. I just wanted to go away, just me and him. Me and Tsuzuki. I snuggled into his arms and he clutched me tighter, pressing an affectionate kiss to my brow, then nuzzling his face into my hair.
"Stay with me?" he whispered, amethyst eyes searching for my emerald ones.
I looked up at him, then smiled, quite rare for me and I think he would've died again by the look on his face, "Baka… of course I will."
"Ne, I love you, 'Soka-chan." he sighed happily, tightening his hold yet again.
I accepted it happily, "Hnn, I love you too."
When the morning rays of light filtered in through the opened window, patches of sunlight filled up the retreating darkness. The scent of cherry blossoms and spring wafted in, enveloping the room in a sense of eternal spring. Outside the bedroom, birds chirped and fluttered from branch to branch. The sky was attaining it's normal blue tint, overcoming the layers of pinks and yellows. The world was awakening.
Within the tiny room where the light filtered in and chased away the monsters and the shadows, a boy slept. A sweet blonde angel, with pale skin and closed emerald pools. Upon light cherry lips a hidden smile was found, but could only be seen if you were looking for it. He did not shift or awaken when the light fell on his face. His dream was too precious, he wouldn't give it up yet.
As the minutes ticked on, a light breeze picked up outside. A breeze that barely missed the boy's window. Just enough of the refreshing gust of wind blew in to caress the exposed cheek.
"I love you."
The wind had spoken and just as suddenly as it was there, it was gone. And the boy slept on, never knowing what had happened. Never to awake.
Outside the room where the angelic, yet lifeless boy forever slept, a man with unnatural, yet beautiful eyes sat upon a bench and contemplated. A brown paper bag on his lap, scents of cinnamon and apple wafting up from it. The man's chocolate tresses blew lightly and he smiled. The man was really beautiful.
He was waiting for someone. Someone to hug and tease and share his newfound pastry with.
"Baka, do you only think about sweets?"
Amethyst eyes rose to meet intense emerald, the smile never faltering. "Of course not, I think of you much more than sweets."
A blush stained the pale cheeks of his companion as the man leaned over and placed a soothing kiss on the crimson cheeks. Then he stood and ruffled the boy's hair affectionately before taking his hand. The boy was confused.
"Where are we going?" he asked as the man led him down the street.
The latter grinned even more so, "You'll see! I think you'll like it."
"How do you know?" he grumbled, yet following.
Locking the amethyst on emerald, he replied softly, "Because you'll never be alone again."
Choosing that moment to forget his pastry, the man embraced the boy, clinging to him as if he were his very lifeline. The boy did the same, not wanting to have either of them disappear without the other.
As the wind picked up once again, no one saw the dead boy in the little room and no one saw the pair of lovers vanish from human sight. Just like the wind, they had gone as quickly as it had come.
Owari