Author's note: just a dumb little thing I wrote up on the fly. I've been reading a lot of really gut-wrenching, angsty fic lately, and I guess this is kind of a reaction to that. Also, episode 167 of Shippuden didn't help, either XD
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Three times the Akatsuki were less than villainous
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1.) Strip Search or, The One in Which Itachi Sacrifices Himself for the Greater Good (Again)
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Their next target was an old woman who possessed the Rinnengan, and it was in the Leader's best interest to make her an ally. Apparently she was a threat to the Akatsuki, but as far as Itachi was concerned, she threatened to kill the Nine-Tails, and as such posed a rather large threat to the village itself. "Kisame and I will neutralize the woman," Itachi said. "My Mangekyou Sharingan should be able to withstand her attacks. It would be prudent if you send us in your stead."
The Leader nodded. "Take Deidara with you," the Leader said.
"What?" Deidara said.
"She resides in Iwa. Your knowledge of the area will be of great importance," the Leader said.
And so it was Deidara joined Itachi and Kisame, sulking a little and trailing moodily behind them.
xXx
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"Shit!" Deidara said. He was splayed up against the cliffside, the gale-force winds of the old woman's Rinnegan pushing him against the rocks. "We're on her side - why the fuck is she attacking us?"
"We are a threat to her supremacy," Itachi said. "Doubtless she's heard of the Leader's plans."
"Shit!" Deidara said. A boulder the size of a small country came hurtling toward him.
With effort, Itachi pushed himself upright, Sharingan-eyes spinning.
The woman's eyes flashed. "Ah. So we have the Sharingan in our midst," she said. Her old woman's mouth stretched into a lazy smile. "What do you have to offer?"
"Terms," Itachi said. The woman smiled again.
The gale-force winds stopped. Deidara and Kisame slammed onto the ground.
xXx
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As Itachi correctly guessed, the woman was as lecherous as she was power hungry, and after a round of desperate negotiations (half of Hidan's gold, Kisame's gambling wins and a promise to give her fifteen percent of the profits they'd make once the war machine kicks in), she made one last, albeit humiliating demand:
"That crazy bitch wants me to strip, are you fucking kidding me?" Deidara said.
The old woman leered obscenely, touching the clasp of her cloak with a withered hand.
"Deidara-san. It appears as if we have no choice," Itachi said. "She knows the extent of our Leader's plan, and she's backed us into a corner. We have no choice but to comply."
Deidara gritted his teeth. "Fine!" Deidara said. He threw off his cloak. "Fucking hag. Hmph!"
The cloak sailed through the air before landing on a jagged piece of rock. The old woman frowned.
"Not him," the woman said. She turned to Itachi and pointed. "Him."
Kisame and Deidara gaped. Itachi's eyes narrowed.
"Oh shit!" Deidara said. He pulled his cloak back on, laughing. "Itachi! What the fuck was it you said? 'It appears as if we have no choice'?"
"Indeed," Itachi said. Wordlessly he unzipped his cloak, letting it pool on the floor at his feet.
"Oh boy," Kisame said. "Itachi-san. You're really going to do it."
"It is as Deidara said. We have no choice in the matter," Itachi said. He pulled off his shirt, then the thin armor of chain mail underneath. "With her powers, she poses a consider threat to not only our organization, but the kyuubi as well."
Itachi was now naked from the waist up. Deidara coughed and Kisame itched uncomfortably. The woman leered.
"Take your hair down!" the woman said. "Take off that forehead protector, too!"
Itachi undid his hair, letting it fall loosely across his shoulders, then undid the knot to his forehead protector. It dropped without preamble, making a soft clink as it hit the ground.
"Pants," the woman said, and Deidara and Kisame's heads snapped up toward Itachi, whose mouth tightened into a thin, terse line.
"Oi, Kisame," Deidara said quietly, so that the woman couldn't hear. "This bitch is crazy. Maybe we should get the Leader."
"You think?" Kisame said. A few paces ahead of them, Itachi was reluctantly taking off his shoes.
"Don't even think of using your genjutsu on me," the woman said. "My eyes see everything. And I want to see what's under those pants!"
Because Kisame was better at the long-distance jutsu than Deidara was, Deidara was left alone to provide the distraction. Slowly, Kisame crept toward the wall of the cave while Deidara mustered up a Kisame lookalike from his clay. Ordinarily the woman would have noticed - she had the Rinnegan, for fuck's sakes - but she appeared to be overly distracted.
"Not like that," the woman was saying. "Do it slowly. Like you're trying to seduce me."
"Shit," Deidara breathed. Kisame activated the long-distance jutsu and sent out the distress signal.
xXx
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"I know what you're doing," the old hag said.
The whirlwind spun; rocks slammed onto the cliffside and the waters crashed, and Deidara and Kisame were splayed onto the ground. "Now," the woman's voice boomed, "Do it like I asked you to, and maybe I'll let them live."
Kisame and Deidara clung to the edge of the cliff face. The old woman leered.
"Dance," she said. "And let your hands roam across your body the way a lover's hands would..."
"Oh fuck," Deidara wailed. Itachi frowned and slowly stepped forward.
xXx
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The Leader later praised Itachi's self-sacrifice.
Deidara had fucking nightmares about it. Kisame couldn't look Itachi in the eye for a month.
"Well, he always did seem like the selfless type," Konan said. The Leader turned and frowned.
xXx
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2.) Scissor Sharks: (Kisame gets a haircut)
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As was his habit, as soon as they entered the nearest town, Kisame announced he would be getting his hair cut.
"Why?" Itachi said. Kisame grinned and sharpened his sword, eyes glittering with an unspoken challenge. "You would needlessly be exposing yourself to the rest of the citizenry. I do not see the point."
"Oh c'mon, Itachi-san. Even you'd like to have your scalp massaged every once in a while."
"Hardly," Itachi said. Kisame grunted and ambled slowly toward the town center.
Outings like these put Itachi on edge. Not only because Kisame was in the habit of terrorizing civilians, but also because scissors were sharp objects, and as such, anything with the potential to stab and cut would most likely draw blood, and if that were to happen, Itachi knew what was in store for the hapless barber.
"Maybe I need a shave," Kisame said. Itachi's eyes narrowed.
The barber was a nice old man, sharpening his razor against the leather strap and smiling amiably. Kisame practically bounced onto the barber's chair, swinging his legs around. "Keep it close to the top, Ojii-san," Kisame said.
Itachi sat carefully in the waiting area, looking suspiciously over the cover of Icha Icha Paradise and watching the barber's hands. His scissors flashed. This would not end well.
Clip, clip, clip. Kisame's hair fell in pleasant clumps around his feet, and all the while, Itachi kept his eyes trained on the barber's hands. Each movement, each scrape of the razor, made Itachi's pulse rise ever so slightly. His eyes swept across the room, silently counting the number of potential casualties. In the corner, a mother and son were looking over hairstyles. Toward the side, a young girl decided how to do her hair. Snip, snip, snip.
"Here you go!" the barber handed Kisame a mirror, and Kisame grinned at himself, admiring his reflection. "Oh shit, Itachi-san. Look at this handsome bitch."
"I see," Itachi said, silently rejoicing over the fact that he would not be counting bodies after all.
(Later, Kisame would be surprised when Itachi offered to cut his hair for free - "it will save us money and time, and with my sharingan, you know I will do a passable job."
Kisame didn't question it: if his partner wanted to cut his hair, that was his own damn business.
He did miss the scalp massage, though).
xXx
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3.) Musings on the Opposite Sex (Konan Paints her Toenails)
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Sometimes, being the vice leader of quite possibly the most testosterone-fueled, bone-headed group of missing nin wasn't exactly all that's cracked out to be.
Konan was pissed. She had a headache and she was having cramps, and god help her if Deidara doesn't shut the hell up, she might accidentally kill him with a thousand papercuts.
Well, whatever. Konan unscrewed the cap to her nail polish and carefully began touching up her toes. In truth, the nail polish was a holdover from older times, when shinobi clans showed their allegiance by the tattoos or polish they bared. That she convinced Nagato nail polish would be a less permanent sign of allegiance was a minor triumph - tattoos made her squeamish, and with the cloaks it seemed like so much overkill.
Plus, she took a rather perverse glee in watching the boys' faces when they were told "wear this or else."
(Nagato painted his substitute bodies' toes red. Let it not be said Nagato didn't have a sense of humor.)
"Hey, your nail polish is chipped," Sasori said. Deidara turned and glared.
"I already painted them! Why the fuck do they keep chipping?"
"Because you use your hands," Sasori said. Deidara groaned.
"Fuck."
Konan sat back, watching. Behind her, Kisame was reapplying a coat without so much as a to-do, and Itachi was clipping his hair. What the hell? Konan thought, but then again, Itachi was rather feminine, and if they were going to incorporate that into their grooming ritual, then so be it.
It wasn't until Konan heard about the great Strip Search of Doom that she began paying more attention.
"So tell me this," Konan said. "Itachi really stripped?" Nagato rolled his eyes in his sunken eye sockets, his ribs heaving against the metal straps.
"It is not of your concern," Nagato said.
"No, but really," Konan said. "He stripped? In front of Deidara and Kisame?"
Nagato huffed. The one good thing about Nagato was, in his condition, he couldn't leave. Konan took full advantage of this. She knew him before he was a god, after all.
"I heard he did a dance, too," Konan said.
"Konan-"
"Is it not in our best interest to watch the comings and goings of our subordinates?" Konan said. She pulled out a small bottle of nail polish and began painting Nagato's fingernails. "Uchiha Itachi is easily one of the strongest shinobi in our organization. That he would willingly humiliate himself for the betterment of his comrades speaks volumes about his character."
"Your point?" Nagato said. Konan's mouth stretched into a devious smile.
xXx
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Itachi had no idea what he did to deserve laundry duty, but here he was, squatting by the river's edge and doing the organization's laundry in the middle of a thunderstorm.
And because he was an efficient man, he pulled off his own shirt and washed it with the others, as well.
"You are shameless," Nagato said, but he made the storm clouds grow. Konan grinned and painted her toenails.
Growing up with someone who had the Rinnegan had its perks, after all.
A/N: sorry for the spam - I won't have internet access for a few days, so I wanted to get the ficcing done while I could :)
Poor Itachi, being molested all the time. I couldn't help myself D: