This idea literally came to me in the shower: if the 'True Blood' characters were 'Friends' characters, who would be who (or whom, according to Ross)? So I posted a note on my Facebook page, and my friend Jamie (AKA sunshinelvr) (with whom I constantly quote Friends and obsess over ASkars) suggested it become an AU or AH story. So I sort of twisted her arm into beta-ing it (read: asked and she squee'ed) and here we are! No, we haven't gone on a road trip, but WE SO SHOULD! (take note, James!)
NOTE: All characters belong to Charlaine Harris ("The Maker"), HBO, and NBC. We love ya'll madly. We just like to mash 'em up.
Two friends, brought together by Facebook, a shared love of Alexander Skarsgård, all things 'True Blood' and the Southern Vampire Mysteries book series, and a surprise mutual knowledge of 'Friends' trivia met in Shreveport for a girlie trip down to New Orleans and the Louisiana Coast. They flew in from Oklahoma City and Orlando, respectively, and rented a car to drive down the state, planning to enjoy the scenery.
The curvy ladies got their luggage settled into the SUV and, giggling, headed off on their adventure. Heather, the brunette from Oklahoma, took the wheel while Jamie, the Floridian blond, took over the GPS and navigational duties.
They argued amiably over music choices and whose iPod would be hooked up while they rolled down the road. After a while, Heather noted something on the dash's digital readout.
"Um, Jameson? The dash says we're going north, not south. What does the GPS say?"
"GPS says we're good," Jamie replied. "It says we continue on for a few hundred miles."
"Well, according to the highway sign there, we're outside of…" Heather's voice trailed off.
Jamie's eyes followed Heather's to the road sign. "Oh crap, Hotshot! What the fudgesicle are we doing here?"
"I didn't think Hotshot existed! Well, except for in Charlaine Harris' head," Heather said.
"Evidently it does. Now what do we do?"
"Um, I dunno?" Heather replied sagely.
"Look!" Jamie screeched. "It's the crossroads! That portal-thingy into another dimension! Stop! Don't drive into it!"
Heather slammed on the brakes, but nothing happened. The car seemed to be moving of its own accord towards the crossroads, and nothing she did could stop it. Suddenly, there was a "pop!" and a beautiful woman with long black hair and almond shaped dark eyes appeared in the backseat, leaning her elbows on the backs of the front seats, grinning at the frightened women in the front seats.
"Hey girls!" she beamed.
"Holy Manolo Blahniks!" Heather screamed.
"Claudine?" Jamie squealed. The beauty nodded. "But you're dead!"
"Well, technically I'm an angel, but that's coming up in a future novel, I'm sure, so we won't go into it here. Anyway, I'm here to take you girls into the portal and make sure you get there safely. You have a job to do."
"U-u-u-s?" Heather stammered.
"Yup! Now look," Claudine pointed at the rapidly approaching crossroads. There was a whoosh, and then something startlingly similar to the time travel effects in "Back to the Future" occurred.
Suddenly, the girls found themselves in the midst of a weird room. On the left was what looked like the bar "Fangtasia," and on the right was the coffee shop "Central Perk." In the middle of the room at one end was what looked an old Ford Ranchero, and sitting in the back like a judge was the Magistrate from 'True Blood.' On their respective sides of the room, lounging on various set furniture, were all the characters from 'True Blood,' and Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Phoebe from 'Friends.' Neither group looked happy with the other. The Magistrate just looked unhappy in general, but then one got the feeling he sort of always looked like that.
The women in the car looked at the characters from their favorite shows (and it was clear they were looking at characters come to life, not actors), then at each other. "Dude, I think my brain just melted," Heather said.
"Whoops, vampires. Gotta go! I'll be back to get you when you're done," Claudine said and popped out.
All the vampires started intently at the SUV, knowing a fairy had been inside. Eric, Pam, Bill all crowded around the car. The Magistrate raised his cane and tapped it slowly, and they backed off a bit. He raised his skeletal gaze to the women inside.
"Ladies, welcome. You have been summoned here to settle the Great Dispute, because of your vast knowledge of these two sets of characters. Also, because of your general wisdom and all around awesome-ness. Please, step out of the vehicle." He gestured with his cane for them to get out of the car. Two thrones, identical to Eric's Fangtasia throne were carried in by Were-looking lackeys (meaning large and buff, and vaguely bouncer-like) and placed in front of the SUV for the ladies. Jamie and Heather looked at each other, shrugged, and Jamie said, "Well, if I have to die, at least I get to do it surrounded by hot guys. Dibs on the Gracious Plenty!"
"Damn!" Heather responded. "Fine, but I get Chanandaler Bong AND his sweater vest." They grinned at each other and opened their doors.
(The following is recorded in court transcript style, to reflect the nature of the Great Dispute proceedings.)
MAGISTRATE: The nature of the Great Dispute is sacred among our kind-
JAMIE: Vampires?
MAGISTRATE: No, and don't interrupt me. We beheaded people for that during the Spanish Inquisition. You're lucky you have value, for a human. No, as I was saying, our kind, as in characters. Clearly, not all of us are vampires. These characters here to my left are not vampires. They are pre-millennial Manhattanites.
HEATHER: Oooh... Do any of you girls have any Burberry? Can I see?
MAGISTRATE: FOCUS! (taps cane like gavel) And as I was saying, the nature of the Dispute is highly confidential. You are sworn to secrecy, and should you reveal any details I will set you loose in a room with MALCOLM, DIANE and LIAM.
HEATHER and JAMIE: Ewwww...
PAM: Exactly.
ERIC: Quiet, PAMELA.
MAGISTRATE: Thank you, VIKING.
HEATHER and JAMIE (cooing): The VIKING! (Eric preens)
SOOKIE: Oh, for the love of...
CHANDLER: Yeah! I thought one of you wanted ME! AND my sweater vest!
MONICA: CHANDLER!
MAGISTRATE: This is turning into a circus...
ROSS: MAGISTRATE, with all due respect, could we get back on track? I have a class on the tools of the paleolithic era to teach at 2:00.
BILL: Yes, and I have a presentation on minie ball ammunition of the Civil War to give at 2 a.m., so if we could move this along...
MAGISTRATE: (sighs unnecessarily) Fine. To sum up, it seems that when there is a cast or group of 6 main characters used in fiction, there is a formula, or set group of personality types. And your little musing there, HEATHER, has set off a fictional version of World War III.
HEATHER: Me? I didn't mean anything by it! I love all the characters! (winks at CHANDLER while slipping ERIC her phone number as JAMIE is tying her shoe, gives SAM a meaningful look. Brazen hussy.)
MAGISTRATE: Regardless of intent, everyone is up in arms over your debate as to which True Blood character would be which Friends character, so they called me in—and you two, as well—to settle this once and for all. You two will tell me your reasoning, I'll listen to them debate then make my final decision. So, let's begin. Character type number one, please step forward. Ladies, I give you... the 'Ross.' (DR GELLAR, wearing his name tag(s), steps forward) Characteristics: whiny, won't let go of a particular hairstyle, uses a pathetic excuse for cheating, pines after a woman after a relationship is clearly over, and is considered something of an expert in a particular field no one else is interested in. Ladies, your picks?
(HEATHER and JAMIE look at each other) (in unison): BILL!
(ERIC guffaws loudly from the back of the room, PAM snorts daintily. BILL hisses.)
ROSS: Number one, I am not whiny, number two, I changed my hairstyle lots of times! I used to have the Mr Kotter hairstyle! Number three, we were on a break! Number four, I ended up with the girl, didn't I? And number five, hello! Jurassic Park? (scoffs) No one interested in dinosaurs!
MAGISTRATE: MR GELLAR-
ROSS: DOCTOR GELLAR, if you don't mind.
MONICA: Oh please, you have a Ph.D, not a medical license! Just because Nana liked to tell everyone she had a Jewish doctor for a grandson! (crosses arms, sulks)
MAGISTRATE: DR GELLAR, this is not the issue up for debate. The traits of your character are already defined. The area up for debate is which of these other characters most closely matches yours. Now, you did instruct me to 'get back on track' so back your shit down! (ROSS sits on the Central Perk couch with a thump, crossing his arms and pouting next to MONICA. The resemblance is uncanny, unintentional and hilarious.) Now, MR COMPTON, your rebuttal?
BILL steps forward: Well for one, I can't change my hairstyle as it will simply regenerate during my daytime rest—the example of MR NORTHMAN (PAM interrupts, hissing 'SHERIFF' loudly) er, SHERIFF NORTHMAN, aside. For the rest of us, this is the case. Number two, vampires do not whine. We growl, we hiss, we pine, but we do not whine. Number three, when called and/or ordered by a maker, a vampire has no choice. We are compelled. This includes when ordered to boink said maker. Number four, as DR GELLAR said, he did indeed end up with the girl. And, if you reference the end of Book 10, I think you will find that the odds of ERIC and S-
MAGISTRATE: MR COMPTON, I am not in the books. Your argument is therefore irrelevant. Move on.
BILL: Oh, err... um, yes. So, the Civil War and computers. I think you will find a resurgence in interest in the Civil War and technology is so prevalent in our everyday-
MAGISTRATE (playing with his Blackberry): MR COMPTON, I may be immortal but I am also impatient. You are boring me. Do not make me send you to your final death. (scrolls wheel)
BILL: So, umm, what I just said, then. (sits back down)
MAGISTRATE (without looking up): I agree with the ladies adjudication of MR COMPTON as "The Ross" of the group. And there is no excuse for cheating–or, er, boinking, as MR COMPTON referred to it. Period. (taps cane) Character Number Two: The sexual savant-slash-idiot savant. Character traits include strong attraction for the opposite sex, lack of general intelligence and common sense, and overall lovable nature. JOEY, please step forward.
JOEY: How you doin'?
(JAMIE giggles and starts to head over to JOEY, HEATHER grabs her arm)
HEATHER: JAMIE! You're married! Plus, you might score with the GRACIOUS PLENTY later!
SOOKIE: Damn right the GRACIOUS PLENTY deserves to be in all caps.
BILL: For crying out loud!
JAMIE: Sorry, sorry. It's just, that's just the best line ever. (ERIC gestures to PAM, who makes a note in a small black book then tucks it into her Givenchy purse.) We debated over this one some. First we thought it was JESSICA, since she's the perpetual virgin (JESSICA perks up), then we thought it was HOYT (JESSICA pouts, HOYT brightens), but we finally decided on JASON, because he's, well, hot, but a few rocks short of a new gravel driveway.
(JASON steps forward) JASON: Hey! I ain't no idiot savage! OR a driveway neither! But I'm willing to overlook it if you ladies want to go down to Merlotte's and have a few beers with me n' my buddy HOYT later... (grins winningly, stretches to show off washboard abs. PAM rolls eyes.)
MAGISTRATE: This was one of the more difficult decisions, and I agree with the ladies' alternate suggestions. Should something happen to MR STACKHOUSE in a future season—note I said season, MR COMPTON, not book—one of the alternate characters will step in to fill this spot. However, I agree with this choice as well. JASON is the JOEY. (taps cane) Well done, ladies.
JOEY: Is that it? I don't get to enjoy any of (in a sexy voice) Grandma's chicken salad with these lovely ladies? (gives a sexy leer at JAMIE and HEATHER)
MAGISTRATE: No, MR BUTTAFUOCO, you do not.
JOEY: Hey! It's TRIBBIANI, pal! That other Joey just screwed things up for all the JOEYs in the world... (walks back to his seat on the arm chair, grabs his espresso. All the 'Friends' glare at the MAGISTRATE)
HEATHER: This is getting fun! Who's next? ERIC! I wanna do ERIC! (ERIC moves out of chair at vamp speed, BILL tackles him. A small tussle ensues, which is ended when the MAGISTRATE taps his cane quickly, clearly annoyed.) Er, I meant...
MAGISTRATE (wearily): I think we all know what you meant. If the SHERIFF and MR COMPTON will return to their seats, next up we have Character type three, the type that spawned a hairstyle still seen in Southern malls: the RACHEL. (RACHEL pops up and strolls over to the girls, wearing a sleek black dress and black knee high boots. Her hair is flat ironed within an inch of its life)
MAGISTRATE (continuing): Character traits include spoiled, self centered, fashion obsessed, can be vain, but can also be caring and intensely loyal. (as an aside) This is starting to sound like I'm reading their Chinese horoscopes. Ladies, this one shouldn't be difficult. Your pick?
HEATHER and JAMIE (in unison, bored): PAM...
(PAM stolls up, wearing a black dress and black knee length boots, her hair straight as a board. Once face to face with Rachel, it's like looking at twins: the preppy one and the goth one.)
PAM (in a deadpan voice): I'm soooo excited. Whoopee. (To RACHEL): Do you read 'Dear Abby? I may have to drain you if you don't.
RACHEL (pales): No, but I watch Oprah religiously.
PAM (gives a fangy grin): Close enough. I won't drain you today.
ERIC (from the back): I'm very proud of you, my child! You've shown great restraint in not draining the non-Abby reading breather!
PAM: Thank you, Master. (to HEATHER and JAMIE) Honestly, by the way he acts, it's like he thinks I'm 50. I'm over a century and a half! (rolls eyes)
RACHEL: So are we, like, done here? Because there's a sale on at Bloomie's later that I'd like to hit if we can wrap this up.
PAM: Fuck a zombie! I need some new pastel twin sets!
RACHEL: Oooooh! We can combine our buys for bigger discounts! I need a ton of new stuff too - baby spit up is just SO hard to get out and-
(Suddenly there is a bright "flash" of light in the room and FUN BOBBY appears. All the vamps growl and the 'Friends' groan.)
FUN BOBBY: Hey guys! Did you know there are no hardware stores open paaARGHHHHHHH! (FUN BOBBY is suddenly, and finally, dead at the fangs of PAM, who has zoomed over at vamp speed and drained him. She zips back to her spot and flicks a miniscule drop of blood from her Fangtasia outfit.)
PAM: So is blood.
MAGISTRATE: Quality control stamped "Approved." Moving on! (Everyone cheers for a moment at the final death of FUN BOBBY.) Next we have Character Four: The Chandler. (HEATHER interjects CHANANDALER! to which CHANDLER replies "You know it baby!" and does a weird gunslinger, shoot-from-the-hip motion. It just looks jerky and odd. He just straightens up and walks quickly to the front.)
MAGISTRATE (sighs): So, as I was saying, the CHANDLER covers awkward situations with humor, as we have just seen, typically wears the same type of clothes such as sweater vests, usually never gets the girl, and is firmly parked in the-if you'll pardon the expression- 'friend zone.' Ladies? Lad- JAMIE, control you friend!
(JAMIE grabs HEATHER just before she pounces on CHANDLER, who, it has to be said, does not look upset at the prospect.)
JAMIE: HEATHER! Control yourself! We're here because we have special knowledge and skills-
HEATHER: Oh, I have mad skills, alright—c'mere baby! (still struggling out of JAMIE's grasp) (PAM and ERIC are hooting loudly in the back) Suddenly there's a blur and a loud "thwack!" and HEATHER goes cross eyed, then sits back down in her Fangtasia throne, struck mute.
JAMIE looks at the MAGISTRATE, horrified: What did you just do to her?
MAGISTRATE: Hit her over the head with my cane. I could've done a lot worse, trust me. She was in the early stages of complete lust and that was the only thing that would've stopped her. It seems MR BING here puts off some sort of pheromone irresistible to your friend. (CHANDLER preens, puffs out his chest and smooths his sweater vest.)
MONICA: CHANDLER! You stop being irresistible right now!
CHANDLER (visibly deflates): Yes, dear.
MAGISTRATE: Now that's dealt with, we can move on. Had you chosen a character for type four?
JAMIE: Yes, sir. This one was more difficult as there wasn't a perfect fit. We debated about it and mulled it over. We finally settled on... SAM. Even though SAM doesn't use humor as a defense mechanism, he is pretty funny, but it was really the plaid to sweater vest ratio and the whole 'friend zone' thing that sold us.
SAM (steps forward): Hey! Show isn't over yet, chere! Nobody knows yet what's going to happen, not even the writers or the Maker, Mrs. Harris! And I've gotten some girls! Just not... (gives SOOKIE puppy dog eyes, ERIC growls)
SOOKIE: Oh sure, its okay for every woman to lust over you, but let a guy look at me and it's 'possessive vamp' time!
ERIC: Lover, he is a shifter, and shifters are-
MAGISTRATE: Another time, SHERIFF.
ERIC: (bows head) Yes, MAGISTRATE.
CHANDLER: Hey, does anyone ever call you "Your MAGISTRATE?" Because it sounds like 'Your Majesty?' (dead silence fills the room, except for the sound of crickets) Never mind...
MAGISTRATE: This was indeed a difficult one, as you said, JAMIE, and there were some alternates, although no one fit the clothing bill quite like MR MERLOTTE here.
SAM: Hey! I wear t-shirts sometimes, you know!
JAMIE (soothingly): And you wear them well, honey! (under her breath) Not as well as you wear those jeans, though... (mumbles something about a scrunchie)
MAGISTRATE: But I agree that, all things considered, SAM is the closest match and is the CHANDLER. MR MERLOTTE, try to be funnier from now on, if you can.
SAM: Ummm, okay...
MAGISTRATE: It just makes things a nice, tidier fit.
CHANDLER walks back to the Central Perk sofa and HEATHER snaps to.
HEATHER: What happened?
JAMIE: You went all "vamp high on fairy blood" on MR BING, there!
HEATHER (horrified, hugs Jamie): O.M.G. How embarrassing! I'm so sorry you had to see that! I've just, it's just... He's always been my favorite 'Friend!' I loved him even during his 'Fat Elvis' period and his 'heroin chic' phase!
CHANDLER: BING, baby!
JAMIE: No biggie! Actually, it was the MAGISTRATE who sent you into your little downtime, there.
HEATHER (to MAGISTRATE): I am so sorry! (MAGISTRATE waves cane to indicate it was nothing)
MONICA (yelling): You could apologize to ME!
HEATHER: Oh right, sorry. Whatevs, hookah. Just never liked you two as a couple anyway. (JAMIE snickers and high-fives HEATHER. MONICA huffs, the 'Friends' console her.)
MAGISTRATE: Now we come to my personal favorite character type and 'Friend,' Number Five, The Phoebe. You smell divine, my dear. (Phoebe giggles, bats eyelashes at MAGISTRATE and twirls a strand of hair around her finger) Character traits include loyalty, compassion for others, slight ditziness, employment in lower end jobs, and, if I may add, beautiful blond hair.
(Phoebe giggles again as she slinks, yes slinks, up to the MAGISTRATE and begins whispering to him. His nostrils dilate and he leans towards her. They chat animatedly–well, as animated as the MAGISTRATE can get–until finally HEATHER clears her throat loudly and begins humming the 'Friends' theme song. The other five 'Friends' groan and strains of "hate that song," "haunts my nightmares," and "burned into my brain" are heard from the Central Perk area.)
MAGISTRATE: (shakes himself) Ahem. Well, I suppose we ought to continue. A moment, if you will, MISS BUFFAY. Quickly, ladies, your choice for this winsome creature?
JAMIE: There is only one option. One character who smells good, is slightly clueless at times (the MAGISTRATE growls) but has a heart of gold and is capable of the occasional gem of wisdom, has great boobs (the MAGISTRATE growls again, casting an eye towards PHOEBE) and long blond hair. SOOKIE. (SOOKIE bounces up to the front.)
MAGISTRATE: I don't really see it, but in the interest of moving on to more pleasant pursuits, as HEATHER said, (drolly) "whatevs hookah."
(SOOKIE gets up into the MAGISTRATE'S face, well, up under his face in the RANCHERO'S bed) SOOKIE: Listen buddy, I wasn't going to say anything because my GRAN raised me right, but I'm the one who smells good around here! I'm the one with the good hair and great boobs! I'm the part fairy!
PHOEBE: Ooh! I believe in fairies!
MAGISTRATE (dotingly): Of course you do, my dear.
(Eric zips up to the front) ERIC: Come lover, let's not make the MAGISTRATE kill you. I've invested too much of my un-dead life keeping you alive! (grabs SOOKIE around the waist and carries her, struggling, back to her seat at Fangtasia.)
MAGISTRATE: If that's all the interruptions, I think we can move on-
PHOEBE: Wait!
MAGISTRATE: Yes?
PHOEBE: Who's the Regina Phalange?
MAGISTRATE: Er, who?
PHOEBE: Regina Phalange! The world famous hand doctor!
MAGISTRATE (chuckles): How about we find out more about this 'hand doctor' later, dear?
PHOEBE: (giggles and twirls hair around her fingers again) I think we can do that... (The burly Weres carry an extra chair up to the RANCHERO and then carefully lift PHOEBE up to sit next to the MAGISTRATE.)
MAGISTRATE: And now we come to the last, final character type. The type whose traits include (pulls out long list from his inner coat pocket, rolled into a tightly coiled scroll): Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Neat Freak, Germophobe, Controlling, can be manipulative... oh, fuck it, this list is too long. Ladies, we have these remaining characters: ALCIDE, ERIC, AMELIA, CLAUDINE, CLAUDE, DR LUDWIG, TRAY, CHOW, FELICIA, VICTOR MADDEN, SOPHIE-ANNE LE CLERQ, ANDRE, the BERTS, FELIPE DE CASTRO and NIALL. So pray tell: who is your MONICA?
(HEATHER and JAMIE look at each other).
JAMIE: This was by far the most difficult of the choices...we struggled with this one. Because, while everyone would like it to be ERIC, since he can be manipulative and controlling (BILL snorts loudly), and just so ERIC is included, that also leads us to either of the vamp royals, FELIPE or SOPHIE-ANNE, or ANDRE, VICTOR MADDEN or NIALL.
HEATHER (continuing): But, we felt that the manipulation was just a small part of the character.
ERIC (sees GINGER pass by and snaps fingers): Go and heat my True Blood in E-Z MONICA'S E-Z Bake Oven for a moment (winks at her seductively; she happily totters off on her stripper heels).
HEATHER: As I was saying, we didn't feel that ERIC was the right fit. (ERIC pouts.) We felt that the number one characteristic is the clean-freak thing. Which leads us to our final selection... AMELIA.
MAGISTRATE: Interesting choice, ladies. I agree, it could've gone so many ways. But, in the interest of a late night tango dancing session with MISS BUFFAY, I approve. The Great Dispute is now to be considered concluded. You may leave (grabs PHOEBE and zips off at vamp speed).
(JAMIE and HEATHER get back into the SUV, CLAUDINE pops into the back seat.)
JAMIE: So I guess we can start our vacation now?
CLAUDINE: Oh, yes, ladies... you're all done here so we can go and let you get on your way! Thanks so much for your help with this, these groups were just having fits with each other over this. (starts to wiggle her nose, oddly enough, like SAMANTHA on 'Bewitched.')
HEATHER: Wait! (rolls down window) There HAS to be an ERIC! (looks at Jamie) We have to find someone for ERIC!
JAMIE: I KNOW! I didn't get to hang out with the GRACIOUS PLENTY!
ERIC: Dear Ones, relax. I'll be around - I am every character, and I am no character. I'm hands down, cheeks up, an original. (waggles eyebrows as CLAUDINE pops them out)
THE END: Thanks to the Maker, CH, for giving us such an original (and everyone else she's created), and the 'Friends' writers and cast for such a great show for so long! Oh, and ASkars for lending such a lovely ass (and everything else) to Eric!