Disclaimer: I do not own nor claim to own this franchise or any of its characters.
Author Note: This is a parody of Harem Anime and Kemonomimi fics. The titles are the names of super fluffy cute vocaloid songs that are appropriate for a super cheerful but kind of strange romantic WAFF comedy. This isn't a homage to School Days I promise! I mean after all nothing good ever came from that show eh?
Anyway there will be plenty of shippings but I will warn you when they show alright? Alright!
Splicers
Episode One: My crush was a monster boy.
Somewhere in a large and corrupt Utopia there was a leader. The leader of all security. Security, the thing that kept people from leaving, that kept Splicers from being integrated into society, that protected' the people. This leader was the leader for ten years. No one expected him to live that long, after all everyone wanted him dead. The leader once sighing as he took a wistful glance at the picture of his older brother and best friend decided that enough was enough and a call went across the nation. 'I'm going to retire' it said. The Right Hand Man, the one that was a constant screw-up, tore at his hair in frustration.
"How am I going to deal with this?" he shrieked.
He thought about the solution to this issue for months. All ideas being shot down by the security that were being fired as well.
"We could blackmail him." The Right Hand Man suggested.
"With what? Besides we'd have to ask Sayer for help." The secretary mentioned in reply.
"Anyway he'd kill us." The former chief of satellite security brought up.
"Well I don't know!" The Right Hand Man shrieked louder.
And time passes. And time passes. And time-
"I know! We appeal to his playboy nature!"
After all the leader was famous for attempting to keep a Harem of young women in his mansion. It didn't really work out. There was crossdressing and stabbing, all in all it was a very messy affair with the leader somehow being the only living person in a twelve mile radius.
The Right Hand Man continued.
"We order some criminals, people nobody will miss, from Satellite! And then of course The Director being himself would be forced to work again after all Harems cost a lot of money to upkeep!"
"That actually seems like it would work." The chief shrugs.
"Not really." The secretary mutters.
"I'm brilliant!" The Right Hand Man cried.
The other two didn't really think so but they kept their mouths shut.
The very next day the Right Hand Man ordered some criminals from Satellite, as his only experience with Harems was through crappy Anime he however made sure that the staff he sent to pick them picked criminals that fit certain archtypes, rather than not being completely insane. Each archtype was chosen, from the Kuudere who was a Serial Killer to the Tsundere that was a terrorist to the Megane mad scientist to even the Ojou that was a Mafia Princess. It never occurred to the man that maybe freeing criminals and taking them to the, even if he was soon to be retired, most influential man in the city. Other than that another mistake the Right Hand Man made was picking the wrong prison, this prison stored men. However these men being very lady-like and feminine it was easy to make the mistake. Not sure how the Hard-Drinking Party Boy of two hundred and fifty pounds of pure muscle slipped through or the equally large Ice King was even considered. The day after that the Right Hand Man had them shipped off to the mansion. And this is where our story begins:
Well that's done with. The young ladies should be here soon. The Director will be so pleased. And then he'll stay and I can feed my family without problems. The truck carrying the, heh, cargo arrives. There's an awful lot of screaming coming from the truck, what happened here?
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm out of here!" A deep, almost male voice screams.
Fondly enough they all sound really deep.
"Oh yes, you can certainly walk out of the heavily armored truck." A light and calm voice chuckles.
"And FYI we're all gonna die!" Laughs an incredibly deep masculine voice.
"Die? I'm an innocent man!" Another voice wails.
"We stopped." The calmest voice of all mentions.
"Yeah thank ya captain obvious." A voice with a slight Australian accent grumbles.
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm outta here!" The first voice repeats.
Okay this isn't good.
"Ushio, Sagiri open the doors!" I scream.
The two frown and do it. Seconds afterwards a short masculine woman with bright orange hair bursts out. As they are all chained together she brings down a thin woman with high heeled white boots that should have been removed actually, another thin woman with long silverish hair and a muscular woman with crab hair and blue eyes down with her.
"We're all tied together!" A woman with red hair, green eyes and glasses shouts.
"Hello!" I announce. "I am Yeager and you aren't here to die!"
"Well that's a relief." The carrot toped woman remarks.
"Not for some of us." A very skinny woman with white hair cascading down her face sighs.
What's with all the skinny women? Women should be vavoom!
"You are all here to become The Director's Harem of attractive young women!" I smirk.
They all stare at me.
"We're all men dumbass." The carrot top scoffs.
"Says you." The silverish haired woman with the calm voice smiles. "I know for a fact that one of us is a woman."
"Nope, I'm pretty sure that all the people from the men's prison are men." A particularly muscle-bound woman with long blonde hair, that looks a lot like The Director, comments.
Wait, let me see the name of this truck. Oh. They are men. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? OH GOD THE DIRECTOR WILL BE RETIRING TODAY AND IT WILL ONLY PROMPT HIM TO DO SO FASTER IF HE SEES THIS MESS ON THE FRONT YARD. Better hope Director swings both ways. Sagiri is ushering the men out of the truck. They each glare at me as they get shoved past.
"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I'm outta here!" Carrot top screams.
"We are all tied together." Red head repeats.
"And I have no intention of helping anyone escape. I want to see the benefits of being a Harem are." The silverette chuckles.
"I'm an innocent man!" Wails a man with a strange face.
How did I think these were women? Well I did only see the white haired emo one. This is just horrible. But I can't get fired. I have a family to feed. Wait, those ears, those tails, those scales! Was this a prison for...? As well? Well great not only will The Director retire he'll completely ruin me!
"Sagiri these are men! Splicer men!" I squeak.
"I know, we thought that's what you wanted." Sagiri mentions.
"So we're screwed aren't we?" Ushio asks.
Yeah actually. You all are. But not yet. Later in the story.
"No, no, I'm sure The Director will find the goodness in his heart to keep these young men in his house and continue working!" I lie.
"The Director?" Red head frowns. "Is he the one we're here for? I wonder if he's still angry about the time I blew up his office."
"Of course he's still angry! The old biddy's still pissed I stole his ring!" Carrot top calls from almost inside the mansion.
The rest of them get pushed in.
"Do we get a phone call?" A blonde with large cow horns asks.
"Uh, I don't think you do." Sagiri answers.
I walk in after them. Ushio has closed all the doors and uncuffed them. Kazama frowns in the back with Sagiri.
"Names, crimes, ages and species please." Kazama sighs.
"Crow Hogan, uh theft, grand theft auto, vandalism, possession of Splicer drugs and prostitution, seventeen, Hooded Crow, ya know that could explain my kleptomania." Carrot top lists.
Crab head beside him starts up, "Fudou Yuusei, developing the Splicer drug, eighteen, Hokkaido Wolf, I am aware that the species is no longer on this Earth but I am one."
A tall man with blonde hair shaped like a crown and bright purple eyes starts. "Jack Atlus, homicide, assault, drug running, jaywalking, tax evasion and possession of Splicer drugs, nineteen, Chinchilla Cat in shaded gold and don't forget it.."
The emo white haired man sighs "Kyosuke Kiryu, serial homicide and possession of Splicer drugs, eighteen, Dumbo Rat."
A broad man with black hair and yellow streaks sighs as well. "Dragan Lyn, serial homicide, gun running, drug running, assault, battery, possession of Splicer drugs, I am twenty six and spliced with a Grolar-Bear. They exist damn it."
The silverette smirks and looks Kazama square in the eye. "Harald Framitiden, multiple homicides, drug and gun running, assault and battery, loitering, possession of Splicer drugs and regular narcotics with intent to distribute, working in the development of Splicer drugs, human trafficking, Splicer trafficking and all over being a Mob Boss. Thirty four years old and spliced naturally with the White-Tailed Eagle, spliced artificially with the Eurasian Wolf."
A cheerful flame headed boy laughs. "Brave Chama, all of the above and a little bit more, um, about twenty and spliced with the Arctic Fox."
The strange faced man coughs. "Hello my name is Jean Epreuve and I am an innocent man. Someone injected me with Splicer drugs randomly on the street! Honestly I would never put something like that near my skin! I am twenty six and am spliced with a Bighorn Ram."
The blonde that asked for the phone speaks up. "Breo Grayson, hacking and illegal possession of Splicer drugs, twenty eight and spliced with the Florida Cracker."
Another red head with a long spike pointing out of the top of his head pipes up. "Andore Sangrar, homicide, homicide, homicide, homicide, assault, homicide and just being me really! Twenty seven! Narwhal!"
A man with spiked hair and yellow eyes breathes out. "Paul Misere is my birth name but I'm Paradox now. High treason and attempted suicide. Serial homicide as well. I am thirty one and was born part European Green Lizard."
The booted man frowns before snickering. "Placido Tenor, high treason and serial homicide. Twenty two and born as a Western Horned Sand Viper."
A young boy smiles and shakes his hair. "Lucciano Tenor, high treason and serial homicide as well. I am eleven years old and born a False Smooth snake."
The largest man of the group speaks. "Akafiara Tenor, high treason, attempted suicide, serial homicide and born a Round Burrowing Boa. Thirty nine years old."
Red head shoves up his glasses and smiles. "Divine Sayer, developing the Splicer drug, homicide, attempted homicide, blackmail and kidnapping. Twenty seven and spliced accidently with a Rhinelander Rabbit."
A blonde man with long locks and green eyes frowns. "Sherry LeBlanc, attempted homicide and high treason, twenty one, French Trotter."
The man that looks like The Director laughs. "Rudger Godwin, homicide, human and Splicer trafficking in Japan and finally developing the original, yep original, Splicer drug. Forty two, it's a meaningful number, and spliced with the Brazilian Salmon Pink Bird-Eating Tarantula. Always loved spiders, never thought I'd become one."
Kazama snaps his notebook shut.
"I have all their data recorded." He mentions. "Now just wait til The Director gets here."
"What in the name of God have done Yeager?"
"Oh he is here." Kazama grins.