Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot, that's all mine. Everything else belongs to Kass Morgan, Little Brown Books, Jason Rothenberg, The CW and anyone else involved. The title comes from the song of the same name by Jawbreaker.
Author's Note: This is something that has been floating around in my head for a while. I couldn't get rid of it. Thanks for reading!
Do You Still Hate Me?
By: Unread Letters
"Are we talking? Are we fighting? … We're getting older. But we're acting younger. We should be smarter. It seems we're getting dumber."- Jawbreaker
If, say two years ago, someone had told Clarke she'd be on her knees in her shower with Bellamy Blake's dick in her mouth, she probably would've punched their head in.
But here she was, in that very position, and truthfully, it wasn't all that bad. It was actually kind of good, kind of really good. But they're just fucking, she reminds herself. She hates him remember?
It's going on three months of them sneaking around; her showing up at his apartment in the middle of the night when her shift at the hospital changes, him texting her to see when Raven leaves for work so he can come over. They've got a good system going. No attachments and no bullshit. They both date once in a while. Although, the last date Clarke went on was so awful she begged Bellamy to make the "emergency phone call" and they ended up having sex in the back of his car after he picked her up. So maybe not so much with the dating. But still, it's casual. It's nothing, really.
It had all started because they were both kind of drunk and both kind of lonely and he really needed her to shut up for a second so he kissed her. And instead of kicking him in the shins, which is what she was supposed to do, she kissed him back. That led to a lot more kissing which led to a lot more other stuff and three months later here she is on the floor of the shower. While they're not very good at communicating like normal well-adjusted people, they are pretty good at fucking each other: literally and metaphorically.
They both rationalize that there's no reason to tell anyone else. It's not like they're dating. They're never seen in public together unless there's another person present and it's not like they're emotionally intimate. There's very little talk of feelings and definitely no cuddling. Although, that's not entirely true. Sometimes they get coffee on Tuesday mornings, after Clarke's night shift ends and before Bellamy has to teach his eight o'clock class. He might know, if he were pressured into answering, that she prefers almond milk in her coffee and just a dash of coconut oil. She might be able to tell you that he always has to have whatever weird cream cheese is available; olive and pimento is his favorite. But everyone knows what a weirdo he is.
Every once in a while they end up falling asleep together. Not because they want to but because they both lead exhausting lives and people fall asleep when they're very, very tired. They both ignore the way their bodies are tangled when they wake up, how they always seem to be touching every part of each other possible. Those mornings end with an awkward goodbye; Bellamy running a hand over the back of his neck and Clarke chewing lightly on her right thumb nail. They give it a couple days for the awkwardness to die out before she shows up with Octavia at the bar he tends on the weekends for extra money and he winks at her as he slides over her vodka tonic. Octavia usually leaves to meet up with Lincoln so no one notices when Clarke makes a left at the corner, instead of the right towards her apartment and ends up at Bellamy's.
So they don't tell anyone because it's really not important and it's only about the sex and it's their goddamn business.
It's a normal Friday morning except Clarke has the weekend off from the hospital and Bellamy's school's closed for a bank holiday and he doesn't have to be at the bar until later and Raven's at work and what way should they celebrate other than blowjobs in the shower? Their celebration is cut short, however, when the shrill sound of Clarke's doorbell pierces their ears.
"Don't you dare," Bellamy murmurs darkly with his head still thrown back against the tile of the shower and his eyes shut tight.
Clarke releases him with a light pop as her hands take up where her mouth left off, "It could be that new laptop that I ordered. If it is, I have to sign for it."
The doorbell chimes again and Clarke rolls her eyes as Bellamy sighs.
Bellamy lowers his chin and opens one eye to look at her, the shower spray sticking his black hair to his forehead. "It's a holiday weekend, Princess."
"I know but it also said seven to ten days and this is day…" she starts counting in her head, "eight or something." She sticks out her tongue and licks a wet strip along him, "It'll only take a second."
"Fine." He huffs out, taking his hand off the back of her head and bracing it against the tile.
She licks her lips and bites him just above his hip, smiling at the groan that leaves his throat, before pulling herself up and gingerly stepping out of the shower. She'd never tell him but she's too worked up to make any effort, hopping to be back in the shower with him as soon as physically possible, so she throws on the first thing she can find, which happens to be his t-shirt, knots her wet hair behind her head, and practically sprints to the front door.
Her fingertips are barely touching the knob when the door swings open and almost hits her in the face. She jumps out of the way just in time to see Raven on the other side, her hand twisting the key out of the lock with her head turned, talking to two people standing behind her. Clarke cranes her neck passed her roommate and can feel the redness creeping onto her skin as she locks eyes on her parents.
"Raven!" Clarke blurts out, "Shouldn't you be at work?"
"Yeah but there's a water main break and all of North Avenue is shut down so we closed. But hey, look who I found!"
Raven steps aside and makes her way to the kitchen as Jake and Abby step in and make their way towards Clarke.
Clarke tries her hardest to ignore the noise of running water coming from just down the hall as she steps in to hug her parents. "What a surprise! You should've told me you were coming down this weekend!"
Abby laughs as she hugs her daughter, "And give you an opportunity to come up with an excuse? Never."
Jake wraps his arms around Clarke after Abby's turn and pats her wet head, "Sorry, honey, we should've realized you were in the shower when you didn't come to the door."
Clarke forces a smile, "It's lucky you ran into Raven. I'm just gonna go turn the water off."
"I'll do it, Clarke. You go dry off." Raven offers, appearing from the kitchen with two mugs of coffee for Clarke's parents.
"NO!" Clarke can't help but shout, "I…ahhh…I've gotta wash some shampoo out."
Raven's eyebrow quirks as she looks from Clarke's obviously shampoo free hair to the closed bathroom door. She gives Clarke a once over again and Clarke knows the moment Raven figures it out. "That's a nice shirt Clarke. It looks really familiar but I don't think I've ever seen you wear it."
"You know exactly where you've seen it," Clarke thinks to herself but bites it back. The group had all gone out last night to welcome the holiday weekend. Clarke and Bellamy thought they were safe when Raven had gone home with Wick and maybe broke their own rule when Clarke invited him for the night and he planned on staying into the next day. But Raven wasn't supposed to be home until after Bellamy left for the bar and she wasn't supposed to see Clarke soaking wet in Bellamy's t-shirt and she definitely wasn't supposed to let Clarke's parents into the apartment. Dammit, Raven.
"Thanks Raven," Clarke forces a smile and turns back to her parents, "Mom, Dad why don't you go sit on the balcony," Clarke motions to the outside doors, "it's so nice out there in the morning."
"Good idea, honey. Come on, Jake."
Abby leads the way as Jake motions to Raven with his mug, "Thanks for the coffee, Raven."
As soon as the balcony door closes Raven starts in on her.
"He's in the shower, isn't he?" Raven laughs maniacally, "You were in the shower too, weren't you? I knew it! I knew something was going on! You too haven't argued in forever."
"Raven it's just…" And before Clarke can finish her thought the shower stops running abruptly. She counts the seconds before the bathroom door is flung open and Bellamy stomps out, completely naked and towel drying his hair.
"Jesus, Clarke! What'd I ever do to you?! That's so fucked up to leave mid-blow job and to force a guy to jerk off in a cold shower, waiting patiently for your return."
Bellamy's rant comes to a halt when he sees Raven standing next to Clarke, unable to hide her laughter. "Shut up, Reyes. It's not like you haven't seen it before."
"What?! You had sex with Raven? You've seen his dick? Jesus, Bellamy and you think you can come out here and yell about me not giving you a blow job!" Clarke starts shouting while Raven sobers up enough to say "Not what I'm laughing at, dude." Clarke can't take her glare off of Bellamy but he's not looking at her. He's looking in the same direction a still giggling Raven is. Clarke turns her head, knowing exactly what she'll find.
Abby and Jake are standing just inside the doorway, frozen. Jake's face is so red it looks like his head's turned into a cherry bomb and Abby's mouth is agape, her hand dangling loosely while her empty coffee cup rolls around on the floor. At least Bellamy has the decency to finally tie the towel around his waist.
Clarke swallows and tries so hard not to look away from her parents, "How much did you hear?"
"All of it, I think." Jake says solemnly.
"We know you're an adult, honey," Abby offers, "But that was a little more than we really needed to know."
Clarke sighs and gestures between her parents, "Mom, Dad. This is Bellamy Blake. We're fucking." She gives a bitter chuckle, "Apparently he's fucking Raven too."
Bellamy clears his throat, "Fucked. Just once." He starts to offer his hand to Clarke's father but thinks better of it and lets it fall back to his side.
"Like two years ago." Raven adds for good measure.
Clarke nods, seething with embarassment, "Good to know."
Abby finally realizes she's dropped her coffee mug and mumbles, "We should probably go" as she picks it up.
"No," Bellamy offers turning towards the bathroom, "I should." He turns back towards the living room and looks at Clarke, "I need my t-shirt."
She jumps slightly and follows him to the bathroom. She shuts the door behind her and notices that he has the propriety to look sheepish.
"I'm sorry," he says as he pulls on his jeans, "That was shitty."
Clarke sighs and pulls his shirt over her head, "Yeah it was but I probably could've handled it better, too."
He takes the shirt from her and pulls it on, ignoring that it smells more like her soap than his deodorant. "What're we doing?"
She shrugs tying a towel around her body, "I have no idea."
Bellamy touches her shoulder lightly and kisses her on the top of the head on his way around her and out of the bathroom. "Call me when you figure it out."
Clarke stands in the bathroom, trying to catch her breath. At some point during this morning's fiasco she had started crying and Bellamy's parting words had socked her in the stomach. What the hell was he playing at? Maybe he's the one who needs to figure things out. When she finally calms down a few minutes later she can hear Bellamy in the living room apologizing to her parents. She makes her way to her room for fresh clothes and hopes she can maintain some semblance of dignity when she goes back to the living room.
By the time she's ready to face them again, she can hear her mother's laughter coming from the kitchen and is immediately thankful for Raven who is sitting at the table with her parents relaying some anecdote that has lightened the mood considerably.
Everyone turns to look at her when she enters and she steels herself for her prepared speech.
"I'm sorry about all of that. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, Raven. Mom and Dad, I really don't know what to say except that was pretty embarrassing and we should probably forget about it."
Jake offers his daughter a small smile and Clarke can still see some red in his cheeks, "Great idea!"
"Just as long as you're being safe, honey."
"Jesus, Mom. Yes." Clarke sits at the empty seat next to Raven who passes her a mug of coffee, "We okay?"
"Totally fine." Raven smiles.
The rest of the day goes by without a hitch and Clarke actually enjoys having her parents around. Despite it being Friday night, she makes it to bed early only to be awoken by the obnoxious ringing of her cell phone, flashing a picture of Raven's smiling face.
"Yeah?" Clarke yawns through the phone, closing her eyes.
"It's like 9 o'clock and you need to come out to Mount Weather right now!"
"I'm exhausted and why?"
"Because Bellamy's working." Clarke can hear the music in the background and people mumbling to Raven.
"That's precisely why I'm not there."
She can hear more muffled conversation through Raven's phone, "She's sleeping. I don't know….yeah, yeah you talk to her."
Clarke's about to drift off when she hears Octavia's voice come over an octave too high, "You better get your ass here now. I know he's a douchebag but he looks like somebody ran over his puppy and I know it has everything to do with you."
Clarke groans and sits up in bed, "Did Raven tell you?"
"She didn't have to. You two are idiots."
Running a hand over her face Clarke resigns that sleep is not in her cards, "Fine, fine. I'm coming."
"Thank God," she hears someone say and she's 90% sure it's Jasper.
When Clarke gets to Mount Weather she avoids the bar entirely and makes a beeline to the back of the dance floor where she knows everyone is.
Lincoln hands her a drink as soon as he sees her and Octavia immediately starts gesturing towards the bar. Clarke stands on her tiptoes to see Bellamy at his usual perch, tea towel slung over his shoulder, sliding beers to a group of college kids. Clarke's seen him at Mount Weather almost every week since he started but she's never seen him teach and that's something she'd always been curious about. He teaches history at the high school across town and she's always impressed with the way he looks in the morning; button down shirt and tie with trousers. Sometimes he wears a blazer or a sweater and she'd put money down that the high school girls can't get enough of him. She can't get enough of Mr. Blake and she graduated 10 years ago. He's probably good with the kids, though. She knows he's patient and funny and wants them to succeed. She knows he stays late, helping kids with assignments and even moderates the chess team (which she had laughed at him for a good 15 minutes for).
She's lost in thought, watching him mix a rum and coke when a tap on the shoulder startles her.
Raven gives Clarke a sheepish smile and a nod, "Can we talk for a second?"
"Raven, it's okay. We really don't have to talk. I'm sorry for the way I acted."
Raven shakes her head at Clarke, "No, I should've told you. You're my best friend and, truthfully, I don't know why I didn't. It only happened the one time and it was only to make Finn jealous. Bellamy knew that. It was stupid."
"Raven, I should've told you we were sleeping together. I don't know why we kept it from everyone."
Raven shrugged, "He's in love with you, you know."
"No he isn't. We just have really good sex."
"Sure." Raven offers Clarke a sly smile, "I mean I'm sure its great but it's not about the sex and you know it."
Clarke sighs but can't respond. She knows Raven's right. So she does the only thing she can think of. She downs her drink and heads to the bar.
A vodka tonic slams down in the front of her before she can even sit on the stool and Bellamy's back is already turned. She takes a sip, watching his shoulders tense and tries to ignore the idiot college boys next to her until one taps her on the shoulder. She tears her eyes away from Bellamy making change at the register and turns to the boy.
"You look like you should use a shot." He says with a sly smile.
"I could use a lot of things," Clarke smirks, "but I doubt you could help with any of them."
The group of boys behind him hoots but he continues, "Awww, come on, don't be like that."
"Seriously, thanks but no thanks." Clarke makes to turn herself back to staring at Bellamy when the boy grabs her arm.
"It'll be fun. Come on."
Given the day she's had, Clarke's about to punch the kid in the face when she hears Bellamy's deep voice.
"Leave her alone. She doesn't want a drink."
Clarke can't help it, "I can take care of myself—" but Bellamy raises a hand and cuts her off, staring down the college boys.
Clarke's paramour scoffs at Bellamy and offers probably the lamest comment Clarke has ever heard, "What're you, her boyfriend?"
Bellamy raises an eyebrow and points at the door, "Yeah, I am, now get the hell out of my bar."
The boy bristles like he's ready for a fight but one of his friends eyes Bellamy and grabs the kid's shoulder, slams a wad of cash down on the table, shouting over the music about a cooler place down the street. Bellamy glares at them until they leave but Clarke can't tear her eyes away from him.
"You're not my boyfriend."
"Really, Princess?" He walks away to hand over a beer but he's back in front of her in a second.
"This was supposed to be fun and easy. I don't understand how is got so complicated in one day. Are you really that mad because I didn't come back to the shower?"
"I was at first and I acted like an ass but you introduced me to your parents as someone you're fucking. That's pretty fucked up, Clarke. I thought we were more than that." He turns to run a tab through the cash register then he's back, offering her a shot and a lime wedge and taking one for himself.
They down their shots together and she runs a hand over her mouth before responding, "What was I supposed to say? This is my boyfriend who's shouting about not getting a blow job? He's a really, really nice guy unless you skip out on oral sex and then he turns into a giant dick head."
"Okay, fine, what if we had run into them on Tuesday. What if they walked into the coffee shop and saw us? What would you have said then?"
She gets a minute to think about it as he mixes a gaggle of brightly colored cocktails for a bachelorette party. He's got her there. Her first instinct would be to call him a friend but he's not really. They were never very close. Once in a while, they'd drink too much and have a heart to heart.
His last semester in grad school and her last semester of freshmen year med school had given them nervous breakdowns at the same time. She remembers running into him in the library and staying with him the whole night, talking and studying and stressing together. They ended up back at his apartment after the library had closed and when Clarke fell asleep on the sofa he tucked her into his bed and slept on the old lumpy couch himself. But they aren't friends.
They started exchanging birthday gifts a year ago because they felt pressured by everyone else. She usually buys him an old book and he usually buys her new art supplies. But they aren't friends.
She knows that Budweiser is his favorite beer but when he's trying to impress someone he drinks whiskey. He knows that she only every drinks vodka tonics and it has to be Stoli but that she also really likes tequila shots. But they aren't friends.
She ignores the fact that they spent last Christmas together because Octavia was with Lincoln's family and Clarke had taken the holiday shift at the hospital. He had waited up until she got home with eggnog and cookies and they laid on the floor of her living room and watched Gremlins (his favorite Christmas movie) and Home Alone (hers) but they aren't friends.
The first time he kissed her was on New Years Eve because she was complaining about never having anyone to kiss and he had to shut her up. But they aren't friends. Maybe they're more than that.
He's back in front of her again with another tequila shot and she downs it without waiting for him. Somewhere along the line she had fallen in love with him and it had absolutely nothing to do with sex.
He takes the lime wedge out of his mouth and quirks an eyebrow at her.
"I think I would have told them, if we were civilized in the coffee shop and you weren't screaming about blow jobs and I wasn't screaming about you and Raven, I would have told them 'Mom, Dad, this is Bellamy Blake and I think I might be in love with him."
"Seriously?"
Clarke nods solemnly, "Seriously."
Before she knows what's happening, Bellamy is leaning over the bar and giving her one of the softest kisses she has ever received, even softer than the New Years kiss three months ago.
Bellamy laughs and Clarke second guesses herself until she hears the whooping and hollering going on behind her. She turns her head, still in Bellamy's grasp to see their friends going bananas.
"Finally!" Octavia shouts!
"Finally," Bellamy murmurs and he leans in to kiss Clarke again.
The End.